Kissing babies

[Cyas]

So I know I’m probably being unreasonable but wanted to talk about my feelings anyway cause I was wondering if it’s just me feeling like this…

We had the don’t kiss baby in the face rule with IL family, who begrudgingly agreed to it - although on their second visits both parents in law and great grandmother kissed her in the face (baby was around 2 months ). Not sure if it was just reflex as she is very cute so I didn’t make a thing out of it, but it’s made me feel very uncomfortable because it feels like your requests and boundaries are being ignored and you can’t trust people to protect your baby’s health just because they want to kiss her?

Now baby is turning 3 months and I think the advice is that it’s now okay because it also builds their immune system? I’ve definitely been out and about with her at baby classes and seeing friends etc although it is still prime virus season. The thing is that I still don’t want anyone but me and my husband kissing the baby. I don’t quite know why, it just feels weird to me that other ppl would be so obsessed with kissing her (IL family have talked about wanting newborn cuddles and kisses, as if the baby was just there to make them feel better), as if she was a little cuddly toy prop for them to use? It’s still winter so I’m still paranoid about her getting ill. She has had sniffles from me before but then I can give her antibodies via breast milk. Maybe it’s also something about consent, and I want to protect baby? So I don’t want to be a kiss and cuddle grinch and ppl are welcome to hold her etc but just sharing how I feel and whether anyone else has experienced something similar…

Older relatives who were generally a lot less precious about their own babies probably simply don’t understand or remember being asked not to kiss, because the reasoning doesn’t properly register with them. If you’ve been reading baby books cover to cover for the past year, your awareness is going to be far more heightened than that of people who don’t really think about babies much at all unless they’re in the presence of one. I don’t know shit about babies, I’ve never had one and never want one. I’ve no idea what the current guidance is on why babies shouldn’t be kissed so, whilst I wouldn’t kiss one (because I generally avoid even having to hold them) it wouldn’t occur to me that you thought kissing was going to make them ill in a way that just being out and about amongst the general swamp of viruses doesn’t.

Also, many of these relatives aren’t seeing a baby for the first time, they will have raised their own. My SIL had a baby last year. At Christmas we were all treated to a lecture on how we must behave around the baby: no sitting too close, no talking loudly, no sudden movements, no kissing and no hugging too tightly. For my mum, who has successful raised three children of her own and therefore considers being told how to behave around a baby like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, I know she found all this quite upsetting and offensive. By all means, explain to people why you don’t want kissing for health reasons; but do also be aware that you may be coming across as a bit patronising and overbearing, and consider your tone and wording.

I do understand about the no kissing rule with it being RSV season and lots of coughs and colds flying about.
But I think at 3 months I’d be letting people have cuddles with baby, there is nothing better then a cuddly newborn when they’re gooing and cooing at you - so I felt happy to share that experience with family. I didn’t feel like they was using baby as a prop as you say, I felt family genuinely wanted to share in the joy the new baby brought.

This.

One day you all may be grandparents.

And whilst I completely understand and respect the caution around cold sores you'll have the same feelings around your grandchildren as we do. We know (or most of us do!) that we're not the parents. But it's still overwhelming

I think at 3 months, it's a bit precious. Babies are typically doing a fair bit of tummy time at that point and putting things in their mouths.

Your baby though, so you make the rules!

I'd think you a bit precious to be honest. As long as no one is trying to do it with a cold sore or a cold, I think a cuddle and a kiss on top of the head is fairly common place at this stage. One of mine crawled early so was chewing shoes at not much older. Building up an immune system is a good thing as long as people aren't ill or contagious I'd allow contact. Relationships are important and they just want to bond.

Babies are so cute and cuddly that I think it's just human instinct to give them a big smooch especially if they're your grandkids and you love and adore them.

At 3 months I say bring on the kisses and cuddles personally.

As long as you realise how it comes across, what's wrong with grandparents kissing a grandchild on the cheek/head?

We had the don’t kiss baby in the face rule with IL family But not with your own family, even though both families have exactly the same degree of relationship to the baby?

Honestly, you are being a bit precious. And slightly hypocritical given that you are going to baby classes - many of those babies will have siblings in nursery and school, who will pass on many more bugs than a grandparent is likely to.

I allowed ds1 to kiss and cuddle ds2 from day 1 and he was in nursery. I don't remember ds2 ever being unwell when I was ebf, although that may well be a coincidence.

Thanks for the feedback! Was looking for a tiny bit more empathy but alas 😊

FYI to those who don’t know - every doctor and midwife says no kisses in the face for the first three months as babies can get terribly ill when they’re that little, and in some cases die, so not sure worth taking chances. It’s not some horrible rule we invented to keep relatives from the baby.

to the person asking about my own family - same rules for them, just that they live far away and haven’t seen her yet.

You're asking about the after 3 months though, not before 3 months. The responses would be different before 3 months.

Yep I was responding to the person who said they didn’t know anything about babies and said someone they knew had lots of rules, so was explaining the before 3 months rule :)

what a nice vibe on this message board!

Ok but not sure what you want? Us all to say yes you're right and we all feel the same way?

I didn't mind family kissing my baby at all, she's 2 now and absolutely fine, in fact I've never been bothered by germs and she has a really good immune system. But it's entirely your decision obviously

You can't ask for opinions and then get snarky when people don't 100% agree with you.

what a nice vibe on this message board!
That's AIBU!

YABU I'd be devastated if our parents and grandparents didn't want to cuddle and kiss our children. Seems very cold and distant. It's surely a normal human reaction from family.

what a nice vibe on this message board!

you've made this comment directly after my comment and I was the only one who had commented since your last one. So I'll take it this was directed at me for saying the responses would have been different if you were talking about before 3 months. Given that I didn't say anything wrong, I am wondering if maybe you're a bit sensitive.

I get how you feel OP, but I would really struggle to enforce this rule with parents/ grandparents. I would probably compromise and ask other friends/ more distant family not to, but if the grandparents were not actually unwell, I would probably just accept it.

It's a really awkward thing to make a fuss about, especially in a generation where a lot of things were very different. In my family the phrase 'well it never did me any harm!" seems to be uttered every 10 minutes. It's tiresome but truthfully one kiss from a grandparent is unlikely to harm your baby.

No kisses on the lips seems reasonable (my family aren't lip kissers anyway) but I don't see the problem with cheek or forehead kisses. Why don't you want people to kiss your baby? Aren't you pleased that people love her and want to demonstrate their affection?

It’s very hard and a common issue really. Some in laws and my own family get cold sores but they’ve all been very careful. It's learning to trust others and see how people go. Personally I let people do the odd kiss on the head and cheeks and I feel ok with it but it was harder when he was younger. I’ve never really had to say anything. No mouth kisses but I don’t kiss on the mouth either. It gets less worrying once they grow and become more robust.

just wanted to add that when you come out with “rules” or dos and donts then people tend to respond much more badly than when you play by ear. If you do see something you don’t like then speak up but try not to come out with a long list of what people can and can’t do.

Me too.

OP the no kissing advice is either very new or area dependent, mine are 5 and 3 and we had no such advice, including for the one born in summer 2020, so it won't be familiar to the wider family at all.

Kissing and cuddling babies is the most natural thing in the world. Don't keep loving family at a distance.

I think a little kiss on the head is fine but close to the lips I think I would feel uncomfortable with. However I never actually felt the need to tell anyone not to kiss by baby, I just made sure no one had any colds/coughs/bugs or anything before they came over

It's always interesting to see when a post goes in a random direction. Despite all common sense and science indicating the opposite. YANBU.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to not want people to keep their virus and bacterial laden mouths away from your young baby.

When they are kissing your childs face or head they are leaving salvia on their skin which a baby will often rub into their eyes or their mouth.

Kissing in the lips is literally adding saliva into a baby's mouth (via water droplets if nothing else). Just vile.

I'm not a germaphobe - my children have grown up with loads of time outdoors. This however is a young baby in the middle of winter virus season.

It doesn't benefit the baby so don't do it.

FYI - this is just kissing, cuddles with grandparents and close family are lovely and more than enough of an opportunity to bond. Anyone who is obsessed with kissing someone else's child (especially risking a babies health) is utterly unreasonable. I can't fathom why people would defend that.

I was watching a social history documentary the other day, made in 2015, and they said when the Victorians first made the discovery of bacteria and germs, some people got so worried about this that they wouldn't even kiss their own children, and they expressed this in such a way that it was clear that they felt this was such a great loss and a sad/out of proportion thing (and expressed in a way that anyone would feel that).

I think it's interesting and a bit sad how this has changed in such a short amount of time.

I have to say, I honestly agree with the historian on the documentary. I know that you haven't banned yourself from kissing the baby, but I think it's sad and unnatural the way this has come to be normal advice. To me it is very germ phobic almost to a detrimental degree. I wouldn't expect a stranger to go around kissing random babies, but members of their own family (as long as they aren't ill or have an active cold sore) I would not have a problem with at all.

I have DC born 2008, 2018, 2021 so I'm not totally out of touch, though I don't think any doctor or midwife ever advised us not to let people kiss them as babies, even in the height of the pandemic.

That’s NOT true. I work on the neonatal unit and we never give out that advice. I don’t know where this crap comes from.
Obviously don’t kiss a baby if you have a cold sore or a cold but we don’t advise no kisses at all!