Kissing babies

[Cyas]

So I know I’m probably being unreasonable but wanted to talk about my feelings anyway cause I was wondering if it’s just me feeling like this…

We had the don’t kiss baby in the face rule with IL family, who begrudgingly agreed to it - although on their second visits both parents in law and great grandmother kissed her in the face (baby was around 2 months ). Not sure if it was just reflex as she is very cute so I didn’t make a thing out of it, but it’s made me feel very uncomfortable because it feels like your requests and boundaries are being ignored and you can’t trust people to protect your baby’s health just because they want to kiss her?

Now baby is turning 3 months and I think the advice is that it’s now okay because it also builds their immune system? I’ve definitely been out and about with her at baby classes and seeing friends etc although it is still prime virus season. The thing is that I still don’t want anyone but me and my husband kissing the baby. I don’t quite know why, it just feels weird to me that other ppl would be so obsessed with kissing her (IL family have talked about wanting newborn cuddles and kisses, as if the baby was just there to make them feel better), as if she was a little cuddly toy prop for them to use? It’s still winter so I’m still paranoid about her getting ill. She has had sniffles from me before but then I can give her antibodies via breast milk. Maybe it’s also something about consent, and I want to protect baby? So I don’t want to be a kiss and cuddle grinch and ppl are welcome to hold her etc but just sharing how I feel and whether anyone else has experienced something similar…

You can always just stick to video calls to family, that way you can be very safe. I'd also avoid children's centres and the outside world.

I joke like this, but I actually know someone who didn't leave the house with their kid for almost 2 years 😶The irony when kid got sick every month because dad went work and somehow brought home the most random sicknesses every month. My mum group didn't even have this many sicknesses between us and all our kids and we had kids in schools and nurseries.

End of the day it's your child and your rules, so do as you wish but I'd consider weighing the pros and cons for it all maybe on paper logically. Do as you like, just remember consequences. That could be sick kid if they get kissed or that could mean granny distances herself and doesn't grow a bond with your kid and the long term consequences any of this can have on your marriage if you push away il family often etc.

would never tell my children's grandparents not to kiss my babies to be honest.

I really don't get this "don't touch, kiss, cuddle my baby" rubbish. They don't melt or combust! When you want to eventually go out and leave the baby with someone you'll complain that you can't leave them with anyone because they scream. I wonder why?
We all survived without this precious rubbish perfectly well and survived to tell the tale

You need to unclench.

So what's stopping a baby getting ill from you or their dad kissing them? You are not going to germ free. Sounds a tad neurotic. My eldest DD was in bloody nursery at 3 months old.

YANBU

I’ll take the advice of many paediatricians who have stressed for decades on not to kiss newborns on the lips than some needy family members especially on the winter time where many people are sick and they’re not the ones going to be up all night with a sick baby!

Kiss the top of the head, sides of their face near their ear, but stay away from their lips and hands. There is absolutely no need to kiss them there and anyone who feels they must go against what parents say for their personal benefit (not a benefit for a newborn) aren’t people I would be asking for help with my child anyway if they can’t respect a simple, easy boundary.

I don’t even kiss my own DD1 who is 3 months on the lips or hands (kissed wrists), nor did I do the same with my older children when they were that young. Didn’t see the point and wasn’t going to take the chance. None of our family members kissed them on the lips or hands never tried to either so we never had to say anything. They did tops of the head and sides of the face.

The need to kiss a newborn on the lips when there are other safer places and to ignore the parents’ wishes about their own baby is odd and ridiculous to me.

This is used on a few nhs pages. I thought the information was only for mum and dad to kiss the baby?

We have no family and I take my dd to a care home every week because the older ones adore her and it’s so good for her to build those relationships. We’ve been going since she was about 3 months old and she’s been cuddled and kissed by everyone there including staff! Obviously everyone is different but seeing her be loved on like that is so lovely. She’s nearly 2 and never been ill yet (touch wood!)

I mean these are being used on certain NHS pages…..

OP is not wrong and I find it scary that healthcare professionals are here saying they’ve never heard of it, how worrying!

I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a baby that’s not my own at all. Toddler nephews, when saying bye after giving my sister a peck on the cheek. When they’re learning and aware…
Kissing a baby that’s not yours, on the mouth is just plain weird.
Germs are everywhere and it’s ok to try avoid getting sick. Yes they need to build their immune system and they will through day to day exposure.
But, regardless of personal opinion, it’s a boundary you’ve set that’s not being respected. If it still makes you uncomfortable tell them to stop.

Nah I’m of the opinion of you want to kiss or cuddle a baby, birth your own. At 3 m they’re still too young and this respiratory season has been nasty. Let’s not even go into the cold sore topic.

I felt the same as you do about cuddling and kissing OP.
I treated my daughter as a small person in her own right from the day she arrived, which meant I didn't offer her up as a cuddly toy to make family members feel gooey.
I rarely offered her at all really. Those that asked, had her swiftly removed if she was upset - and she'd stop crying once back with me or DH. Which told me that was the issue.

I've always honoured this. She's one and we still do the same.

At first, my husband worried we'd create a super clingy baby who couldn't be without us, but the opposite is true.
She's just turned one, and is far more independent than many others I come across, is settled fine with nursery and grandparents on care days, and will go to some people for a cuddle at her choice - equally happy to push away people if she doesn't want one.

I can’t believe people are disagreeing with you. I’m in the camp that germs on the whole are good for babies and their immune systems, but as people have pointed out the NHS does advise for very small babies not to be kissed on the face. How worrying that healthcare professionals aren’t aware of the guidance.

The Lullaby Trust also advises the same.

I was just the same as you with both of mine OP. At 16 months I still have to remind people ‘not on the face’ when they go to kiss him, but people who see him a lot tend to be respectful.

And with my 3YO I’m more in the ‘consent’ mindset - I remember being made to kiss my grandmother/uncles on the cheek or receive sloppy kisses from them and I HATED it, I felt so uncomfortable and was made to feel rude for not doing so, so begrudgingly did when saying hello/goodbye.
If someone says to my son ‘give me a kiss’, I say to DS ‘you can give XYZ a cuddle, a high five or just wave at them if you prefer’. No one has ever batted an eyelid but agree it’s annoying to have to remind them every time. And if someone’s ever had a cold sore be extra vigilant!

Everybody hugged and kissed my prem baby loads. Not a single nurse or doctor in NICU ever said not to. I don't think she was put down for weeks.

She did get very very ill at about 3 months, with something airborne and likely not preventable (she survived).

I do not regret for a second letting everyone kiss her. That contact and love is important for bonding.

That contact and love is important for bonding.

Kissing is not the only form of bonding though nor is it necessary in the early months on a new baby.

As you said, many people held your baby which is different imo to kissing them and you were happy with it. OP is not happy with it as are many other parents who feel the same.

Neither parents who don’t mind or those who do mind are wrong but both sides should be respected by those who are not the parents of the baby.

I was exactly the same as you when my two kids were born in 2020 and 2021 (peak Covid times too). I tried my hardest to set a no kissing boundary, but all it seemed to do was offend people, which then offended me by people not respecting my boundaries.
It's a delicate topic, and some people will get it, and others simply won't (its hard to shake off remembering the ones who didn't want to understand though).
I dont think you're being precious in the slightest, esp if it's your first baby and you're listening and taking in all the current medical advice from doctors.
As your baby gets older and builds a better immune system, then I'm sure you too in turn will start to let others closer when it feels right for you.
Your baby your choice. I just wish others could be more mindful around new parents during the early stages of bringing up baby xx

Feeling sorry for this OP. Too many commenters are uninformed, quick to judge and downright rude. No kissing up to three months is advised by the Lullaby Trust a charity that campaigns to reduce the incidence of SIDS www.lullabytrust.org.uk/about-us/newborn-infection-prevention-campaign/

I felt the exact same way with my baby, although my partner felt like his family couldn’t bond with our baby because of the one rule of no kissing. I personally feel like kissing a baby doesn’t hinder a bond or closeness. I think it’s rather selfish that you would feel the need to kiss another baby who’s not yours (family or not)
My friend recently had her baby boy admitted to hospital for two weeks from the Herpes Virus at 18 months, he had a rash which was weeping all over his body for weeks and his hair fell out. Herpes Virus is very commonly spread through kissing in young children and baby’s. Now I know you can’t wrap them up in cotton wool and completely protect them from Viruses but my god from seeing the effects of that, it definitely made me realise that I was doing the best thing for my child by not pleasing the older generations for the sake of a kiss! Stick to what your instincts tell you and who cares if your perceived as over cautious, anyone can do what they like with there own baby’s!
If I cared what anyone else thought of how I’d raise my baby and what rules I had, I wouldn’t leave the house.

I used to get cold sores regularly, and often I'd find out from eating a crisp or a tomato. This is the problem - the cold sore is there and infectious before you know you've got it. Babies die from cold sores. It is really easy to not kiss a baby - and I have seen adults actually insisting on their right to put their mouths on a baby's mouth.