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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kissing babies

96 replies

Cyas · 25/01/2024 11:05

So I know I’m probably being unreasonable but wanted to talk about my feelings anyway cause I was wondering if it’s just me feeling like this…

We had the don’t kiss baby in the face rule with IL family, who begrudgingly agreed to it - although on their second visits both parents in law and great grandmother kissed her in the face (baby was around 2 months ). Not sure if it was just reflex as she is very cute so I didn’t make a thing out of it, but it’s made me feel very uncomfortable because it feels like your requests and boundaries are being ignored and you can’t trust people to protect your baby’s health just because they want to kiss her?

Now baby is turning 3 months and I think the advice is that it’s now okay because it also builds their immune system? I’ve definitely been out and about with her at baby classes and seeing friends etc although it is still prime virus season. The thing is that I still don’t want anyone but me and my husband kissing the baby. I don’t quite know why, it just feels weird to me that other ppl would be so obsessed with kissing her (IL family have talked about wanting newborn cuddles and kisses, as if the baby was just there to make them feel better), as if she was a little cuddly toy prop for them to use? It’s still winter so I’m still paranoid about her getting ill. She has had sniffles from me before but then I can give her antibodies via breast milk. Maybe it’s also something about consent, and I want to protect baby? So I don’t want to be a kiss and cuddle grinch and ppl are welcome to hold her etc but just sharing how I feel and whether anyone else has experienced something similar…

OP posts:
EmilyTjP · 26/01/2024 10:11

CoffeeThenWine · 26/01/2024 08:52

@EmilyTjP If you work on neonatal units then you must be aware people can carry the herpes simplex virus without having a visible coldsore.
Having had a friend who lost her daughter in 2007 aged 10 days to this, I am.astounded more health care professionals are still uneducated on the risk of kissing newborns on the face.

You do you, OP. However at 3 months plus, the risks reduce massively and as others have said, if you're going to baby groups, baby will pick up far more there than from relatives.

Edited

People can carry the virus, many of us do including myself, but it can only be transmitted through lesions.

If you think you can get it which any contact, surely I’d have passed it on to my partner through kissing, oral sex etc, which is not the case.

people need to think rationally 🤦🏼‍♀️

Elly46 · 26/01/2024 11:13

My son is 6 and I still ask my hubby to
wash his hands before playing with his clean little body if he’s come home from work or the dirty gym equipment. DH has a massive cold sore at the mo and im constantly reminding him not to kiss even tho ds has had little cold sores over the years. I’ve always been that way though. My mum is an ex GP and she’s that way too, very illness aware. Your baby is still very young and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your level of caution. Just because things were done differently by older generation/past relatives doesn’t mean you are wrong to be like this at all. It’s better than not giving a damn for the sake of happy families and having a poorly child that could possibly have been avoided.

YolandaDavies · 26/01/2024 11:22

I don't know why but I really do not like to see anyone other than me or partner kiss my baby or touch there face. Its a natural reflex that leaves me annoyed if I see it, so I feel in that case there must be a natural reason behind it 😂 I don't know where they have been that day, what they have touched when they last washed there hands etc. Dont care if I'm a control freak just how I feel, so I back you OP 😂

Heb1996 · 26/01/2024 11:57

@s4usagefingers I agree!! It just comes across as overly precious and controlling. And might ruin the relationship that later on you want to build with those relatives.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/01/2024 11:59

Cyas · 25/01/2024 12:42

Thanks for the feedback! Was looking for a tiny bit more empathy but alas 😊

FYI to those who don’t know - every doctor and midwife says no kisses in the face for the first three months as babies can get terribly ill when they’re that little, and in some cases die, so not sure worth taking chances. It’s not some horrible rule we invented to keep relatives from the baby.

to the person asking about my own family - same rules for them, just that they live far away and haven’t seen her yet.

Edited

I am on your side yanbu it's your dp job to firmly assert the boundary with his family and send them photos of neonatal herpes if they don't listen - you don't want baby getting covid or rsi either

CoffeeThenWine · 26/01/2024 13:34

EmilyTjP · 26/01/2024 10:11

People can carry the virus, many of us do including myself, but it can only be transmitted through lesions.

If you think you can get it which any contact, surely I’d have passed it on to my partner through kissing, oral sex etc, which is not the case.

people need to think rationally 🤦🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Isn't an immune system wonderful? Which newborns haven't had the chance to establish. Which is how this happens.

But I'll just tell my bereaved friend and the others who have lost newborns to a coldsore to think rationally.....And the medics who confirmed it was passed on with a kiss they are all wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jayne35 · 26/01/2024 13:45

Other people’s mouths aren’t clean places, it’s been proven that children’s mouths can be infected with gum disease from the saliva of adults. Then there’s other infections like bugs and viruses.

Gum Disease is not contagious, and cannot be spread, through kissing or otherwise.

HalloumiGeller · 26/01/2024 15:59

I'm pregnant and due in May, I will not be telling my baby's grandparents to not cuddle/kiss her. I didn't do it with my other 2 and won't be doing it this time. Its different if people have colds/cold sores (I get cold sores) but if not then I won't be making that request.

The only babies I have snuggled and kissed on the head are my nieces and nephews (except my own obv), I wouldn't do that with anyone else's baby, its weird

GintyMcGinty · 26/01/2024 16:00

The whole not kissing babies and all the "rules" and "boundaries" that some new parents introduce are just silly, precious and very PFB.

Its almost like no one ever had a baby before them 😱

(Cold sores excepted)

peakygold · 26/01/2024 16:12

As long as no-one tried to kiss my children on the lips (which is vile) I didn't mind them being kissed and cuddled.

JayJayj · 26/01/2024 17:36

We allowed top of head kissing from 3 months. She is now 15 months and we have allowed cheek kissing since she was about 1.
but mainly my little one, when asked for a kiss bends her head for you to kiss her forehead. Sometimes she will go in for a kiss.

lancaster · 26/01/2024 17:41

Who are these Dr's who say no kissing before 3 months. I am one and have never heard such a thing.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/01/2024 17:51

EmilyTjP · 25/01/2024 14:14

That’s NOT true. I work on the neonatal unit and we never give out that advice. I don’t know where this crap comes from.
Obviously don’t kiss a baby if you have a cold sore or a cold but we don’t advise no kisses at all!

Show quote history

So pleased you said that, I had a prem baby and was never told such a thing. Don't kiss a baby if you have a cold sore was always guidance but anything else seems precious and OTT.

NewyearNC · 26/01/2024 17:53

OP - YANBU
your baby at 3 months is still tiny. Whilst not technically a newborn they don’t have a perfectly robust immune system develop overnight so you are being sensible. You will slowly relax as your baby gets older and by then their immune system will be better.

also at 3 months you’re still very much recovering from the birth yourself. Hormones still all over the place and you’re coming to terms with your new life.

you must do what is best for you and your baby. Anyone that forced kisses on my baby despite asking them not to would have v stern words from me!

me and my baby (who was 3 months old at the time) caught Covid over Christmas from a family member who hadn’t told us she had cold symptoms before we arrived and then cuddled baby. It totally wiped us out - him for 3-4 days and me for about 2 weeks. Breastfeeding completely stopped as a result as supply massively reduced as I was so unwell.

you do you.

Heb1996 · 26/01/2024 17:57

@s4usagefingers but don’t complain about family not showing any interest in your baby a few months or years down the line because you’ve alienated them all by being completely controlling and overbearing with them. It’s perfectly possible to have a sensible conversation with family and friends about limited contact with tiny babies without coming across like a massive judgmental diva. Most of these people will have reared children of their own and are well
aware of the need to be careful with newborns. You do not need to act like the gestapo.

s4usagefingers · 26/01/2024 17:59

Heb1996 · 26/01/2024 17:57

@s4usagefingers but don’t complain about family not showing any interest in your baby a few months or years down the line because you’ve alienated them all by being completely controlling and overbearing with them. It’s perfectly possible to have a sensible conversation with family and friends about limited contact with tiny babies without coming across like a massive judgmental diva. Most of these people will have reared children of their own and are well
aware of the need to be careful with newborns. You do not need to act like the gestapo.

Sorry, I think you have quoted the wrong user.

NewyearNC · 26/01/2024 18:09

@Heb1996 i don’t understand this mentality of ‘if you don’t let me kiss your baby then don’t expect me to want a relationship with them when they are older’
what is wrong with giving baby a cuddle and respecting new parents’ wishes by not kissing?
I know you’re saying it’s possible to have a sensible conversation re the above but that implies you’re sensible already and don’t need to be told. Unfortunately there are others out there who don’t seem to have the same level of common sense.

Heb1996 · 26/01/2024 18:20

@ so sorry @s4usagefingers !! I meant @redtomatoes 😩😩😩

Zanatdy · 26/01/2024 18:27

It is up to parents who people will think you’re being OTT and overly precious. I’d rather just say please don’t if you have a coldsore or illness. Otherwise just let family enjoy and love on your baby.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/01/2024 18:28

YABU babies are designed for kissing and cuddling. Not in the lips is fine, but they thrive on cuddles.

It takes a village and all that..

5128gap · 26/01/2024 18:45

I never had a no kissing rule with my DC and my adult DC and partners don't have one either for DGC. DGD loves kisses and will present her face, lips puckered, invariably during meals when covered in food. I'm thinking of introducing a no kissing rule for me.

SuperGinger · 26/01/2024 18:46

What a load of nonsense get over yourself and let them revel in being grandparents.

redtomatoes · 26/01/2024 18:56

Lush.

redtomatoes · 26/01/2024 19:04

@Heb1996 Ah, you’re sweet… comparing the Gestapo to people who very reasonably express that they don’t want their young babies kissed in order to avoid possible health issues. Nice. Obviously there are two schools of thought here but I don’t want anyone’s saliva anywhere near my baby’s face.

Had you read my comment properly you’d have seen that I expressed how people can snuggle with babies without kissing them, so it isn’t about alienating family. Although in my case, I couldn’t care less if that happened.

Have a good one dear 👍🏻