Division of labour; husband working while I’m on maternity leave

[Rorous]

Our 8mo son woke up at 5:45 this morning, so we all got up at 6 and are all a bit tired and out of normal “routine” … to add to this our son is in a real grumpy mood today (I think teething!)

While I looked after our son my husband took a lovely long shower and got himself ready for work at a relaxed pace. I’ve just put our son down for a nap and come out to find my husband has decided to start work early. AIBU to think it would’ve been nice had he made the bed, helped clear up breakfast and put away some toys so that I could at least take a shower and get ready for my hell-ish day? I am so conflicted because I’m on maternity leave but it’s not like he will finish work any earlier.

YANBU.

I'd raise it, this dynamic creeps up on you.

Before and after the set hours of the work day (9-5, or whatever it is), all parenting and housework is 50/50.

Nor should he be racking up unnecessary hours at work to get out of the parenting and housework.

Why has he started work early though? Perhaps he has a meeting to prepare for, or another reason.

If this is a one off YABU. You're sleep deprived and grumpy but if your DS is napping why can't you have a shower?

Sorry , I’m in the camp of currently his job is to work and your job is to be home. Not popular on Mumsnet I know. I don’t think it’s hard to do the house chores around the baby / small children so I can’t buy into these posts where people claim it’s so difficult and they are really hard done by and those that expect OH to do everything and their job so they can spend the day at rhyme time and cuddling the baby.

Now is the time to set the pattern together if your future family life. This is exactly how we get these munsnet posts about sahm with no career prospects/money/agency.
Can you talk and listen to each other tonight without heat about how you both want to share childcare free time tasks and together time in future so you make a life you all love together that’s fair on everyone? It’s really worth communicating well and revisiting regularly so resentment doesn’t set in and you both feel appreciated. Good luck OP

Thank you for your replies. It bothers me that he hasn’t thought of it! I guess if I don’t mention anything then it will happen again.

If he does have something in particular he needs to work early/late for he normally says and we work around this.

I have a newborn. I'm at home in day with baby. When he comes home we share while other makes food/cleans etc. He may be working but he also gets to only work 7/8 hours and gets break and a lunch. Does not happen with a baby. When he's home he's an equal parent. As time goes on I hope to be able to do more if he'll nap independently but for now nope. Thing is @Rorous, why does the bed need making and breakfast cleared away etc right now? Why not go have a shower first? World won't end if it doesn't get done, the toys won't take over the world and destroy it. Lower your standards on fussy days.

YANBU I had similar situation this morning - DH took baby while I could shower etc before getting ready for work

you are not expecting too much at all - agree with pp about having a non-confrontational discussion about it. Good luck

So, when I was on maternity and DH was working, if I had a bad night or DS woke up early, he got up with DS and would shower/breakfast etc while he had DS so that actually, I could have a little bit more sleep. Then he'd bring me tea 10 minutes before he left so that I had a chance to wake up before he handed DS over to me.

I think broadly speaking, when on mat leave you do tend to pick up the bulk. But I'd say basic daily chores that should be done on the spot are NOT things that should just be left for the mat leave person. Making the bed, giving breakfast to a baby are definitely in the camp of - if you're both at home and it needs doing, either one can do it. In our house, whoever gets out of bed last makes the bed.

We’re struggling with this as husband works a ridiculous shift pattern, works in hospitality so very late finishes! So we’re just muddling through trying to muddle through without too many crossed words 🤣

I sometimes feel guilty he’s handed the baby at 2 am if they’re still up after he’s done a long day (starting at 8am some days) but by then I’m absolutely at the end of my rope if it’s been a rubbish day!

Does he do stuff when he’s not working? Sometimes I have to be really blunt and tell him what I need him to do!!

Making the bed, clearing the breakfast and putting some toys away is not a battle I'd choose.

Nah, that felt too much like martyrdom for me when I was on maternity leave, but each to their own 😂

Honestly, who cares if you leave a small pile of washing up in the sink for the end of the day? Same with hoovering the house. How is dirt collecting so fast in your home that it can't wait until the end of the week or every few days? (I admit, no shedding pets so that helps)

When I look back at that year I'm not wistfully wishing that I spent more time on housework. Quite happy to be party of the feckless mums and their baby cuddles club.

My DH would spend half an hour of an evening washing up and cleaning surfaces or putting laundry away once the baby was settled asleep. It didn't kill him.

I see it as the baby is your job during working hours, outside working hours it's shared. It's hard on mat leave as you don't have the normal routine of work and it starts to feel like baby is always your job. But presuming you intend to go back to work, it won't be long before you're both in the same boat and childcare will have to be split between you.

It's worth having a conversation about it now and setting up a regular routine. We find that having specific days that we each get up with our DD works well (and the other parent can have a lie in, coffee in bed, start work early...whatever), same with the other end of the day. We have a pretty set routine with each of us taking responsibility for different things on different days, and it means we each get down time and it also ensures an equal split of childcare. I find that it's much better to agree these things in advance so you each know and agree on the plan, rather than falling into a negotiation every day about who is doing what (or not negotiating, but one of you just assuming the other one will pick up the slack!).

Thanks everyone!

I have a dog that will lick the dishes and ruin the toys if I leave them; he’s just as much work as my son but I do love him so!

I plan to speak with my husband tonight!

I think it was a bit thoughtless of him, yes. I'm in the opposite position - I work FT and my husband is a SAHD. We have a baby and I am not long back at work. I definitely think being at home with a baby is harder than a lot of jobs, so I try and ease the burden by sorting as much as I can before/after work.

Same. I’d just have my shower.

Maternity leave isn't leave to be a housewife, but leave to look after a baby. So I agree that normal working hours, it's your job to mind baby. Outside of that things are 50:50, or flex as needed. If you have a baby that sleeps and you feel great of course you'll get ahead with things like laundry, shopping, etc. But if you have a high intensity, demanding, low sleeping baby, you may get nothing in the house done. Working is much easier than looking after a demanding baby (I've done both). And unless your husband had a job where tiredness could put people's lives in danger, it's fine for him to go to work wrecked (loads of working mothers return to work with babies not sleeping well, etc).

The breakfast things and making the bed are jobs that you both created - assuming he ate breakfast- so it’s reasonable to expect him to do this as much as you.

Yes house and baby are your job during working hours but meals that you both eat are everyone’s job.

Also I would have my shower first before anything else, I agree

Plates can stay there and bed can stay unmade til the evening if necessary. I was just commenting in general terms.

Think about what you want to say.

You need more support? What does that look like?

You feel he ruled on your joint time without speaking to you?

He prioritised work to get out of parenting?

What are your minimum expectations? A long shower yourself every day? Sharing domestic tasks? Knowing his planned work schedule? Joint baby care before ad after his job?

ETA- Be clear and concise or you'll end up arguing and come away with no resolution. Maybe think of a few concrete non negotiable changes you want and keep coming back to those.

When I’m off and DH is working I don’t generally expect him to do anything and the same when I’m working and DH is off I expect to be able to just focus on getting ready for work etc. Obviously if we’re both working that day I try and plan to make things as easy as possible for us as we’re both going to be exhausted.

I don’t think the idea that a partner should do 50/50 during all their time at home is right if one has been at work and the other hasn’t. I don’t mind doing 90% on the days I’m at home as I’m not shattered from work. I would resent a partner on maternity leave who expected me to come in from work and start having to do things when they’ve had chance for a rest and to get things done during the day.

There are of course exceptions, if your ill, twins, older toddlers to care for also. Yes baby is teething so maybe a bit more help but you’ve got one baby, who also naps. Your DP of course shouldn’t be resentful if you’ve not had chance to tidy or cook an amazing meal when spending most of the day comforting a grizzly baby but can’t see why you couldn’t get shower when baby was napping

What is it with MN babies who never seem to ever sleep during the day?

Surely there is time during the day to both do the essential tasks and then still have a bit of time to oneself. My two were not big sleepers compared to the average baby but I still found time during their naps to quickly do the bed, take a shower, sort out the dishes and had time to do what I wanted (whilst praying baby would nap a bit longer still!).

I've just come on here to post almost exactly the same scenario. Solidarity to you, OP - I think conversations need to be had by both of us.

Baby was having a nap, would say get a shower then rather than clear breakfast things up and make bed as then ready to take baby for a walk if wakes up still grizzly. The breakfast things and bed can wait till later, most babies will that age will have a 2nd nap so can do those jobs and get yourself some lunch then. Housework kind of had to go on a back burner when babies grizzly. Of course on a partner’s days off they should be doing 50/50