Division of labour; husband working while I’m on maternity leave

[Rorous]

Our 8mo son woke up at 5:45 this morning, so we all got up at 6 and are all a bit tired and out of normal “routine” … to add to this our son is in a real grumpy mood today (I think teething!)

While I looked after our son my husband took a lovely long shower and got himself ready for work at a relaxed pace. I’ve just put our son down for a nap and come out to find my husband has decided to start work early. AIBU to think it would’ve been nice had he made the bed, helped clear up breakfast and put away some toys so that I could at least take a shower and get ready for my hell-ish day? I am so conflicted because I’m on maternity leave but it’s not like he will finish work any earlier.

Why, just because he isn’t at home all day, should he do LESS than he would do in a parallel universe where he’d be unencumbered?

In that parallel universe he probably wouldn’t do those things before he started work. I never did. I got myself ready for work and walked out of the door.

Exactly

Agree she shouldn’t be having to clear up after him but don’t think anything else should be expected of him while he’s trying to get ready for work. Unless of course exceptional circumstances, other children or they were both trying to get ready for work

Children are exceptional circumstances.

@BIossomtoes Very convenient for him. Especially when in all likelyhood most of the drudge work will be done by the time he gets home. Happy days.

But my comment was on your fantasy about what would happen if he was single. Do single men have fairies who do their housework when they’re at work?

Both parties contribution should be valued which sadly hasn’t been the case for many years when it has come to women’s domestic contribution. Absolutely this is an injustice when that’s the case. However neither should paid work be discounted either. This couple need to decide what they are both happy with but it sounds like the OP is just jumping on some ideological bandwagon. In our household when one of us is at work we generally find it much so much easier when we can fully focus on getting ready for work and come home exhausted from work not have to worry about doing anything else. Obviously sometimes we’re both working and that’s not possible and it’s very stressful and something we have to get in with. When one of us is off (usually myself) and the other is working then we take care of the home side of things. There are always exceptions though and if circumstances would make it particularly stressful on the one at home to do things that way we adapt but definitely don’t try and make life difficult for each other for the sake of some strange notion that the one at work ‘should pull their weight domestically’
I’m a mother and going to be going on maternity leave again in a few months, If I had been up all night with the baby and DH didn’t have to start work till a bit later and could get the kids ready and off to school he would, we’re both reasonable people.
If DH took SPL and had been up all night I would do the same but aside from anything exceptional if he just expected me to ignore work I needed to do and start doing housework while trying to get ready for work I would be far from impressed.

That the working parent should pull their weight domestically is the least strange notion on this thread! There’s no reason why they shouldn’t. Most people don’t come home from work ‘exhausted’.

@BIossomtoes of course not. But you already know that’s a stupid question. Perhaps you leave dirty dishes and your bed unmade for days. My point is a single man (or most normal people) don’t, and if they do, it’s there facing them when they get home. They have to do it eventually, right? Unless they want to live in filth. Chances are, if they have a wife and kids at home, she’ll do it. Because he’s gone to his Very Important Job and will come home Exhausted. Just like he did when he was single.

Sounds exactly like us! We recently came out the second (and last) maternity leave. First never slept - second was a doormouse! We both worked long hours, often from home which meant that the house was a tip! But during the day, in between meetings I'd chip away at the toys, beds, dishes and laundry. When my partner was on mat leave, morning and afternoon nap she'd transform into the cleaning white tornado!

Then she would complain that she was stuck being a 'housewife' when no one asked or expected her to be! We'd argue often about this.

I kept saying that as I work from home, I can 'bring' our baby to work. Go out, go to yoga, see friends, binge watch trash, sleep - whatever gives you mental space but don't waste this time doing chores we always managed to do outside of work hours.

It took a while but she realised it was because she wasn't used to 'doing nothing' which is nuts as mat leave is the toughest job in the world! It must be so hard going from smashing it at work to being besieged with nappies and cocomelon. It was fine for me because I at least had work to remind me I was still me. In the end our house stopped being a show home, she became super fit with her daily Yoga and Ariel classes - and my work colleagues really got to really know our baby! :)

I read this as the husband left for work unnecessarily early. Not on.

I’m on a sabbatical at the moment. I’ve made it very clear to DH that whilst I will do plenty of extra stuff I’m not his maid.

I wouldn’t make the bed always let it air
each clear there own breakfast pot but unless you’ve had a fry up surely it just a cup and plate or bowl
you’ve put him down for a nap grab a shower then

I once temped in an office as a young mother of 3 small children and all I had to do was filing, typing and answering telephone calls all day and indeed I did come home more energised then when I went to work but this is certainly my not the case for the work I do now, neither for DH. I would imagine most people these days have jobs which are quite stressful whether due to the responsibility or pace or both.

Just because you don’t this does not mean it is not the norm. Do you really think you are not going to come home exhausted after being responsible for caring and educating 30 4-5 year olds or being a nurse caring for 12 people for differing complex physical, social and emotional needs for a shift or even just the physical work of working on a building site for a day.

I have 5 children so I think I know a thing or two about the work children involve and running a house and I would be the first to argue that domestic work and childcare are massively undervalued in society. However some people do really take the pickle by this staunch attitude that the partner doing paid work must ‘pull their weight’ domestically. I’ve seen it ruin relationships and cause much understandable resentment. Just as the paid partner not valuing the domestic work can lead to equal resentment.

If either parent is genuinely struggling, (maybe a particularly high needs child or maybe isolation, depression, illness) then both partners need to sit down together and try and work out how best going to come to a happier arrangement. That might involve sacrificing things so can afford to get some extra help or childcare, housework or one partner changing their working hours or a planned shift system at the weekends so the at home parent knows they have got some time off to look forward to. Maybe an arrangement where the paid partner is allowed to get focus on getting ready for work, has half an hour to relax when gets home and then takes over for half an hour to give the other parent a break. Both partners views on what will work best for them need to be respected and considered

does he help out when he’s off work? I think that makes a big difference here, I don’t expect my husband to help out during the week but it’s equal between us at the weekend, he probably does slightly more than me at the weekend with the kids actually.

My word, we do what we need to do for work and that can involve going to work early, working late etc, we share our earnings so we both benefit from what we put into our work. There is no way we would be dictating to each other the time we put into our work. The exception would be discussing whether our current/prospective job is really working for ourselves, each other and the family.
Where on earth is the love and partnership in some of these relationships? If I’ve been at home I’ll cook dinner for my DH because I know he’ll be tired and I love him but perhaps if I’m going out that evening or not feeling well then he’ll sort himself out. If I’ve been at work and he’s been at home, equally he’ll make an effort to try and make my day easier. If one of us is struggling we’ll let the other one know. The OP’s partner wasn’t doing anything wrong but if she is struggling then she just needs to discuss that with him

You aren’t being unreasonable but I don’t think he’s necessarily being unreasonable either.

If I were you I’d just politely say ‘babe do you mind if I jump in the shower tomorrow before you start work, and just help me tidy these bits away quickly’

I’m sure unless he’s in a huge rush he’ll be happy to do that?

My advice would be to talk to your husband.
He prob doesn't realise that it annoyed you and that maybe he should have done anything different.
If it helps when I was on maternity I treated my husband's work time and when I was "working" as well and when he finished work ( or before he started) it was shared parenting.
But we talked about it so bad feelings were avoided.

If I'm working and dh has the day off, I'd generally just leave him to it. I wouldn't hang around for him to have a shower or make the bed. But grown ups can clear up after themselves, so I would have expected your dh to tidy up any mess he made in the kitchen or elsewhere before starting work. But not necessarily 'family mess'. If you are home all day, you get as much done as you can, but then you both split the housework 50/50 when he's back as evenings are less rushed than mornings.

If it was a one off, not a big deal. If it's part of a bigger picture, have a chat.

And consider him taking a month of shared parental leave when you go back to work to rebalance things. As @LightSwerve says, that dynamic can creep up and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

My husband would have done this without a second thought during maternity and now that I’m a SAHM. Unless there was an actual need to log in to work early. We’re a couple and try to make each other’s lives easier where possible.

This!

I’d love to know what these ‘exhausted’ single people do. Live in squalor?

I used to do the bare minimum during the week and blitz on a Saturday. The key difference is they don’t have to do housework on someone else’s schedule.

Exactly, by all means he shouldn’t be leaving cups and plates lying around or mess ‘because your there’ but on the other hand he shouldn’t be having to take on tasks while he’s getting ready for work unless he really needs to i.e. your ill or also working or some other reason that it would make it very difficult for you to do them. By all means sets up a 50/50 cleaning roster for both your days off. Equally you shouldn’t be leaving mess for him to clear up just because you want to slump in front of tv during nap time

YANBU.

Maternity leave is to look after the baby, not to become a servant to the other adult living in the house.

DH works 8 -- 4.30. Outside of those houses, the division is split 50/50 for all household chores.

Someone else’s. Like your family’s? Are you a team or what?

Tasks while he’s getting ready for work? Like what does he do besides shower and get dressed and have a bowl of cereal? Diddums.