Division of labour; husband working while I’m on maternity leave

[Rorous]

Our 8mo son woke up at 5:45 this morning, so we all got up at 6 and are all a bit tired and out of normal “routine” … to add to this our son is in a real grumpy mood today (I think teething!)

While I looked after our son my husband took a lovely long shower and got himself ready for work at a relaxed pace. I’ve just put our son down for a nap and come out to find my husband has decided to start work early. AIBU to think it would’ve been nice had he made the bed, helped clear up breakfast and put away some toys so that I could at least take a shower and get ready for my hell-ish day? I am so conflicted because I’m on maternity leave but it’s not like he will finish work any earlier.

This is why I would never have a pet. Grew up with one and the amount of work required put me off for life. Anyway just tell him you need more help from. But what you have listed doesn't sound urgent enough.

I had an epiphany when DD was about 10 months that I felt like I never got a break because I wasn’t prioritising myself. So I would get her down for a nap (up until then she would only contact nap) then race around the house doing jobs, then she would be up again and I hadn’t even had a wee.

So now, when she goes down, I make a cup of tea, drink it whilst it is hot, and go to the loo. Then I do jobs in order of “things I can’t do with DD around”, eg putting laundry on. I can do everything apart from carry the full basket downstairs. So I bring the basket down, and move to the next job that can’t be done. When those urgent jobs are done, I go back and finish them (load the machine, put the bottles in the steriliser, whatever) then if she is still down I either have another little sit, or I do a less urgent household task.

It means less gets done, and on the face of things it is a much less coherent way to run a household, but it works for us. Prioritise you, even if just for 5 minutes. Have a shower. You can make the bed with DS crawling around next to you.

Having said alllll of that, YANBU to feel annoyed. DH’s attitude to household tasks on his WFH days drove me bonkers. Whether it is rational to be annoyed is another matter entirely!

6am start is normal in my house with a toddler. Did you have a specifically bad night? Sounds like a lot of the extra work js caused by the dog

It occurs to me, if he's starting work early by choice and not because he has a big deadline or something, can you just say, "hang on - can you please make the bed while I clean the kitchen"?

No, anything outside of work time should be a 50 50 split. It is his child too!

Also, a bit unfair to assume all childcare is easy. If you have more than once DC, or DC is ill or has additional needs for example, it can become considerably harder.

A lot of you must have very chilled jobs, I’m absolutely shattered after my job as it is very intense and people’s lives do depend on me and no I usually don’t get chance to have any breaks and need to prep and reply to emails before leaving for work and always have loads to so even once home. My DH works away so some work days I do have to cope on my own and it’s incredibly stressful trying to do all that and get the kids ready in the morning and for bed. It completely wipes me out. Fortunately I only work part time and doesn’t bother me at all on days off to do everything as don’t need to focus on work and not so drained so that’s my life most of the time. Always been quite happy to get up during night etc too if not working the next day.
Very much resent DH asking me to do anything on my work days if he’s not been at work

Have a chat with him as he needs to share the workload with you. You need a shower etc too.

I wholeheartedly agree.

If you are on maternity leave the house and baby are your job.

When our children were young the household stuff was done by the person not working.
I would have been spectacularly pissed off, if I had housework to do after working all day and am sure husband would have felt the same.
I just lowered my expectations of how clean and tidy the house was and the majority of cooking etc can be done in tandem with childcare.

I'd say YABU because you're the one on leave, not him. Could you go back to work and him take leave instead?

I really like this idea I might try it Saturday when DH is next at work see if it helps!!

@JollyHostess101 it takes a bit of getting used to, because it does mean some jobs are half done, but I’m now very much of the opinion that it isn’t the end of the world. I’m irritated it took me so long to work it out, hope it helps you!

I disagree it is exactly the battle I would chose. There is a difference between accepting that in maternity leave more chores fall to you (with the caveat it will change when going back to work) and the other person checking out of basic things such as bed making. After having along shower clearing away his breakfast stuff and making his bed is courtesy rather than treating the OP like a maid. He shouldn’t just assume she will do something. You wouldn’t leave it like that for a cleaner

I also have an 8 month old and we’ve been up since 6 and teething too so in a similar situation. I wouldn’t expect my husband to help pre work tbh but he does bath and bedtime after work. I don’t expect him to do much housework during the week but he will often do the dishwasher on his lunch break and walk the dogs. On the weekend the childcare and chores are split more 50/50 but I do take most of the responsibility during the week and don’t mind this, I don’t feel overwhelmed. In this situation I would definitely shower first and leave the clearing up to later in the day. I’m finding that at 8 months my LO is able to play more independently so I can get more done during the day in short bursts

I would however expect him to make the bed if he was the last one up, that’s just lazy

Put baby in bouncer in the bathroom, have a shower. If he needs to get ready for work then he needs to prioritise that unfortunately.

No. No. No.

I’m firmly in the camp of, at the absolute MINIMUM, he needs to do what he would do if he were living alone, or with you and you didn’t have kids.

He can make a bed, he can put a load of washing on, stack a dishwasher, wipe a bench, clean up breakfast dishes, give the bathroom a once-over. He can do an online shop, he can cook a meal.

Why, just because he isn’t at home all day, should he do LESS than he would do in a parallel universe where he’d be unencumbered?

And that's great if that's what works for you. I personally wouldn't make a deal about a bed not being made, the breakfast stuff ok maybe he could have asked there, the toys..Well what's the point they'll all be back out in 5 mins. Each to their own.

YANBU, you’re on mat leave to recover from childbirth and look after baby, not to clean up after him.

Tell him when he’s home he needs to do his half.

Go have your shower as that is easier to do while the baby is asleep. All the other stuff can be done with the baby in a sling if needed.

One of the things I quite liked about my husband when we met was that he kept a clean and tidy flat. He cleaned his bathroom once a week, changed his bedsheets, could cook a meal, kitchen was always clean and dishes done etc, floor swept. He always had clean clothes (because he washed and dried them). He wasn’t slaving away to live in a pristine environment. He just did, you know, what a normal human should be doing.

What some women don’t seem to realise is that if a man gets a free pass to do none of those things, or hardly any of those things, then he is doing LESS than he did as a single man. LESS!

How is that fair? How?

Because it is a statement of how he views his life, tidying up and doing those things are things I expect my children to do after themselves, it’s not washing up it is placing their dishes there, making their own beds etc. Understanding that even though I work freelance from home as opposed to full time and being at school I am their wife/mother not a slave. That tidying up after yourself is a basic consideration when you live with other people. Hanging your coat up, putting your shoes away etc. all of those things for me are about respecting the environment you live in and who you live with. Not bothering with them to me says it’s fine I don’t need to because someone else will.

the toys not so much as I agree they will just be out

Babies wake up as soon as you put them down sometimes they just want to be near us
mine has a 6th sense and knows when I’ve left the room

Of course he should do his bit around the home. It's his home, isn't it? You're caring for his baby yes? Incidentally, be careful who you listen to on here, some people's husbands really hate and have no respect for them and they've normalised this.

This! It's one thing to prioritise chores for everyone, it's another to provide a maid service for an adult who wouldn't have that living alone.

My husband does his share when not at work, and because his job is relaxed and WFH, he sneaks in help during the day too.