Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To complain about how I was treated

109 replies

Sleepyevie9 · 24/01/2024 21:06

I’m on the Restart work programme to get back into work after a period of raising my daughter as a single parent and now I’m required to look for work.

I missed a few appointments due to my mental health which is awful at the moment. I suffer from depression and anxiety especially social anxiety which is diagnosed.

I’ve been trying my best. Applying for many jobs and had a few interviews recently.

ive also had a lot going on recently. Relative very unwell and has been told he only has a few weeks to live and I’m having to find somewhere new to live and threatened with homelessness due to landlord selling up.

Today I went in and was told I’m basically making excuses, my anxiety can’t be that bad and it’s only a valid reason if it’s crippling me which she says my anxiety clearly isn’t crippling me. She said other people with anxiety manage alright on the scheme. She said I’m not trying hard enough and basically dismissed everything I was saying.

She said other people come in several times an week and look for jobs on their computers and why can’t I. (I’ve never been asked to do this).

She asked me what was going on so I told her and she basically just raised her voice at me and basically just told me to suck it up and basically acted as if my issues weren’t real and I was faking it.

tbh I had already had an awful morning and was feeling rubbish so then I started getting quite upset because of how she was talking to me when I’m already feeling quite fragile and she didn’t offer me a tissue or anything, basically just laughed in my face and rolled her eyes at me.

The whole appointment she spoke to me like I was a child being told off and I felt undermined.

Aibu to complain?

OP posts:
Sleepyevie9 · 24/01/2024 21:07

I should add that I did inform her that I would need to rearrange the appointment. The appointments were voluntary but she said it looks bad that I didn’t attend.

she said I never contacted her and I told her I had and then she found the email and didn’t apologise for saying I hadn’t.

She just picked faults at me and made me feel small tbh.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 24/01/2024 21:08

Definitely complain!

savethatkitty · 24/01/2024 21:17

Are you sure what she said isn't valid? It's never nice to hear ourselves described in less than flattering terms. It does sound a little as though you have an excuse for everything. I mean that in the gentlest way.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 24/01/2024 21:21

She said 'suck it up'? How old is your daughter? Re I’m on the Restart work programme to get back into work after a period of raising my daughter as a single parent and now I’m required to look for work.
You say that like it's something surprising, having to work?

ApocalypseNowt · 24/01/2024 21:26

I think that sometimes if someone is giving multiple excuses as to why they can't do something, it starts to sound as if that's what they are....excuses.

Gazelda · 24/01/2024 21:28

That sounds tough OP.

Are you sure that you're remembering this accurately though? It seems astonishing that she laughed at you, rolled her eyes, told you to suck it up etc. Maybe she said something similar in a more professional way? Regardless, she doesn't sound supportive or encouraging.

I wonder whether you could email her and explain how you felt after your meeting. Try to keep it factual. Show determination to engage with the programme to the best of your ability.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. I hope that times get easier and that you find yourself in a stable work and home situation.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/01/2024 21:38

She says your anxiety isn't crippling you!! No one gets to decide that (not even a Doctor)let alone a Work Coach only you know if its crippling you or not!!!!!😠😠😠. Also not to sound patronising but are you mentally fit for work.

Sleepyevie9 · 24/01/2024 21:39

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose receiving Universal Credit as a single parent, it’s when your child turns 3 that you’re required to start looking for work

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/01/2024 21:42

Are you getting treatment for your MH? I’m sorry you have so much going on at the moment.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/01/2024 21:44

savethatkitty · 24/01/2024 21:17

Are you sure what she said isn't valid? It's never nice to hear ourselves described in less than flattering terms. It does sound a little as though you have an excuse for everything. I mean that in the gentlest way.

She could have still spoken to op like a human being though and not like a fly on a piece of shit. There's no excuse whatsoever for rudeness and nastiness. If Op had clapped back she'd been hauled over the coals and had her benefits sanctioned for being abusive.
.

2jacqi · 24/01/2024 22:02

@Sleepyevie9 how does your mental health result in you missing appointments though????

honeyinwine · 24/01/2024 22:16

In the gentlest way, it does sound like you have an excuse for everything. You don’t seem particularly enthralled about having to return to work, either. I’ve colleagues with social anxiety and depression and they do very well at their job, and the job has increased their confidence. Sometimes you really do need to suck it up a tiny bit, and push through. You’ve got this.

RicherThanYew · 24/01/2024 22:36

Fuck me, the lack of empathy and the ableism on this thread is astounding. @honeyinwine how very nice for your colleagues that they power through their issues. Not everyone can. Do you know what it takes for me to get on and do my job, look confident and act like I have it altogether? I come home and wait until my family are asleep and I hurt myself. My lower limbs are covered in plasters and I look like a mummy. Telling someone with ill mental health to suck it up is very poor indeed.

Op, complain complain complain. You did not deserve to be treated like that and I believe you.

tothelefttotheleft · 24/01/2024 22:41

2jacqi · 24/01/2024 22:02

@Sleepyevie9 how does your mental health result in you missing appointments though????

Do you really know this little about anxiety?

Wolfiefan · 24/01/2024 22:45

So because some people with MH issues can work and find their MH improves that means everyone can. Er no.
You can’t “power through” MH issues. You need proper diagnosis and treatment.

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 22:45

Complain.

Some people (especially on this thread) have very little understanding of anxiety and depression. If some one can haul themselves to work or the the Job Centre, well bully for them. Not everyone can.

And being threatened with sanctions and poverty is not acceptable in this day and age. Being more in debt and facing decisions about whether to heat your home or eat does not somehow cure MH issues.

Mehmeh22 · 24/01/2024 22:56

I know the Restart programme with Ingeus (in Greater Manchester) and they are there to support you to find a job as you must have been referred by the Job Centre.

I get why you felt upset by what happened but I do feel she thinks you're giving excuses. They are not there to support your mental health.

If your mental health is on the floor, I'd make sure you get a doctors appointment and note and say this programme isn't for you. There are other ones you can do, maybe the one that supports your mental health?

KateofGhent · 24/01/2024 22:57

@Sleepyevie9

Just wanted to send a supportive post, OP. Have no advice but to complain asap.
I have been spoken to like £$%^&* in a Job Centre when I was recovering from abdominal surgery. The DWP staff think they can say what they like, it's why the Job Centres are full of security guards.

sprigatito · 24/01/2024 22:58

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 22:45

Complain.

Some people (especially on this thread) have very little understanding of anxiety and depression. If some one can haul themselves to work or the the Job Centre, well bully for them. Not everyone can.

And being threatened with sanctions and poverty is not acceptable in this day and age. Being more in debt and facing decisions about whether to heat your home or eat does not somehow cure MH issues.

👏👏👏

archerzz · 24/01/2024 22:59

Sounds like you are not a suitable candidate for this program. You have a million excuses and zero accountability.

KateofGhent · 24/01/2024 23:00

@XenoBitch

Well said ! Flowers

RoboBop · 24/01/2024 23:01

RicherThanYew · 24/01/2024 22:36

Fuck me, the lack of empathy and the ableism on this thread is astounding. @honeyinwine how very nice for your colleagues that they power through their issues. Not everyone can. Do you know what it takes for me to get on and do my job, look confident and act like I have it altogether? I come home and wait until my family are asleep and I hurt myself. My lower limbs are covered in plasters and I look like a mummy. Telling someone with ill mental health to suck it up is very poor indeed.

Op, complain complain complain. You did not deserve to be treated like that and I believe you.

Edited

I think honeywines message was more empowering and positive than yours though. It's telling OP she can do this.

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:06

Shock horror, you have to work like the rest of us

BuffaloDance2000 · 24/01/2024 23:08

Ignore the unempatheric tossers on here, OP, I get where you are coming from. Please try and get some effective medication from your GP. It's taken me over 30 years to find a combination that works. I now work for myself and am happier doing that, rather than in an office environment. I enjoy socialising and work, but being cooped up with the same people day in, day out, the noise, the interruptions drive me insane. Find what you love doing and head in that direction. Working is good for the soul and food for mental health too. Good luck-oh and please do complain- the way you were treated was outrageous.

Wolfiefan · 24/01/2024 23:12

@Nocturna and some people have such poor MH that they can’t work.
It’s great to be positive and encouraging. But telling someone with MH issues that they can do this and they just need to push themselves is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get a grip and go for a run.
What is needed is appropriate diagnosis and treatment. Not a pep talk.

Swipe left for the next trending thread