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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To complain about how I was treated

109 replies

Sleepyevie9 · 24/01/2024 21:06

I’m on the Restart work programme to get back into work after a period of raising my daughter as a single parent and now I’m required to look for work.

I missed a few appointments due to my mental health which is awful at the moment. I suffer from depression and anxiety especially social anxiety which is diagnosed.

I’ve been trying my best. Applying for many jobs and had a few interviews recently.

ive also had a lot going on recently. Relative very unwell and has been told he only has a few weeks to live and I’m having to find somewhere new to live and threatened with homelessness due to landlord selling up.

Today I went in and was told I’m basically making excuses, my anxiety can’t be that bad and it’s only a valid reason if it’s crippling me which she says my anxiety clearly isn’t crippling me. She said other people with anxiety manage alright on the scheme. She said I’m not trying hard enough and basically dismissed everything I was saying.

She said other people come in several times an week and look for jobs on their computers and why can’t I. (I’ve never been asked to do this).

She asked me what was going on so I told her and she basically just raised her voice at me and basically just told me to suck it up and basically acted as if my issues weren’t real and I was faking it.

tbh I had already had an awful morning and was feeling rubbish so then I started getting quite upset because of how she was talking to me when I’m already feeling quite fragile and she didn’t offer me a tissue or anything, basically just laughed in my face and rolled her eyes at me.

The whole appointment she spoke to me like I was a child being told off and I felt undermined.

Aibu to complain?

OP posts:
HappyEater · 24/01/2024 23:15

Just sounds like you really don’t want to work, tbh

Rosescrapbooks · 24/01/2024 23:17

YANBU. She doesn’t sound professional.

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:17

Wolfiefan · 24/01/2024 23:12

@Nocturna and some people have such poor MH that they can’t work.
It’s great to be positive and encouraging. But telling someone with MH issues that they can do this and they just need to push themselves is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get a grip and go for a run.
What is needed is appropriate diagnosis and treatment. Not a pep talk.

Funny, a diagnosis and treatment arent needed until someone has to get a job

Justfinking · 24/01/2024 23:20

savethatkitty · 24/01/2024 21:17

Are you sure what she said isn't valid? It's never nice to hear ourselves described in less than flattering terms. It does sound a little as though you have an excuse for everything. I mean that in the gentlest way.

Sorry I agree with this. You need to get it together, it will be good for you and your daughter

Whataretheodds · 24/01/2024 23:21

Ywnbu unreasonable to complain. However, in order to get a good outcome for you I would focus it on what is going to happen now - what action you can take and what the restart coach can help you with. Also an opportunity to recap the facts without emotion.

You have a lot on your plate, that would be hard for everyone. Focus on the things you can control.

LimitedButStillAliveAndKicking · 24/01/2024 23:21

Are you in receipt of PIP? Do you have proof of medication and professional input? Unless you are receiving help at a certain level it might look to them like you're making excuses. You need to access services if you're not already. If you're only prescribed antidepressants from your GP and are capable of looking after a toddler alone it could go against your claims.

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 24/01/2024 23:23

RicherThanYew · 24/01/2024 22:36

Fuck me, the lack of empathy and the ableism on this thread is astounding. @honeyinwine how very nice for your colleagues that they power through their issues. Not everyone can. Do you know what it takes for me to get on and do my job, look confident and act like I have it altogether? I come home and wait until my family are asleep and I hurt myself. My lower limbs are covered in plasters and I look like a mummy. Telling someone with ill mental health to suck it up is very poor indeed.

Op, complain complain complain. You did not deserve to be treated like that and I believe you.

Edited

I agree, Richer. I'm sorry you are going through that. I can only imagine how much strength and fortitude it takes to get through the day and how exhausting it is for you and others who suffer too xx

OP. Please complain. Not just for you, but for others. It's disgraceful and ignorant bullying behaviour.

I also hope you can get some support from your GP.

I wish you well xx

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 23:23

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:17

Funny, a diagnosis and treatment arent needed until someone has to get a job

OP has a terminally ill relative, and is going to be made homeless. This on top of her diagnosed MH issues.

Yes, I am sure she can just pause a death and eviction to appease the Restart scheme.

TeenLifeMum · 24/01/2024 23:25

Unfortunately life can be really shit and most of us do have to cope with that alongside working and raising dc. I know that sounds unsympathetic but the reality is, most of us do have to suck it up. You don’t work so you have an appointment you show up or you’ll risk losing benefits. You’re responsible for a small human who relies on you. Maybe tough love is something you need. Good luck!

Malarandras · 24/01/2024 23:27

Being spoken to like that under any circumstances is terrible and you should complain OP. The thread asked whether a complaint was warranted and it sounds like it is. Best of luck OP.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 24/01/2024 23:27

2jacqi · 24/01/2024 22:02

@Sleepyevie9 how does your mental health result in you missing appointments though????

Anxiety will do that.

However the OP needs to either be assessed to not be required to look for work, or find ways to cope.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:30

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:06

Shock horror, you have to work like the rest of us

How is this supportive or constructive or anything other than bitchy?

Anyone's luck or health can turn in an instant and if you've never been in a similar situation count yourself lucky and don't assume that it will always remain that way.

A little empathy wouldn't go astray.

strugglingwithmentalhealth · 24/01/2024 23:33

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am suffering similar at the moment, my anxiety, depression and mh is dreadful, so I really feel for you. I do work part time and it is my saving grace. I love my job, love the interactions with staff and customers, but totally understand the not being able to make appointments, esp early morning ones.I come home from work and curl up knowing I have given all I can of me. I have a hospital appt at 9am in the morning, followed by a doctors appt, and I am really going to have to force myself to go to both. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep or hide in the bed until the appt time passes. No one knows how tough it is to push through this but it might help if you can. There are days in work I can forget I am a ball of knots and indecision at home, I come across as all together and funny, but the joking about hides so much crap. I cant let people in to see me like I truly am, as I fear it would give them ammunition to hurt me. Do you know what type of work you would like to do? I find with mine as I love what I do, that really helps getting me there. I am also sorry about the other stresses in your life, death of a family member and the threat of being homeless is scary too esp with a small child. Hugs to you and is there any way you can do a course or training before you go back into the workplace to give your confidence a boost?

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:35

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:30

How is this supportive or constructive or anything other than bitchy?

Anyone's luck or health can turn in an instant and if you've never been in a similar situation count yourself lucky and don't assume that it will always remain that way.

A little empathy wouldn't go astray.

I suppose when I’m having to cope with life’s challenges (as are most of us) whilst working full time, it’s grating to see people making excuses to avoid work, milking the system

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:39

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:35

I suppose when I’m having to cope with life’s challenges (as are most of us) whilst working full time, it’s grating to see people making excuses to avoid work, milking the system

If you are talking about menopause, no most us aren't, and also menopause isn't a license to be bitchy.

You have no idea how much OPs anxiety is impacting her but yet you launch into judgment and assume she's lying.

I don't want to derail the thread any further but there's no need to kick someone when they're down. It's not very nice.

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 23:42

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:35

I suppose when I’m having to cope with life’s challenges (as are most of us) whilst working full time, it’s grating to see people making excuses to avoid work, milking the system

Everyone copes with life challenges differently and varying degrees.
Be grateful that you can cope. Not everyone can.

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:46

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JustJoinedRightNow · 24/01/2024 23:47

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You are a piece of work.

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 23:48

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What do you define as "milking the system"? Be specific.

I am predicting a post about how a lot people "take out" more than they "put in" etc.

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:50

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:39

If you are talking about menopause, no most us aren't, and also menopause isn't a license to be bitchy.

You have no idea how much OPs anxiety is impacting her but yet you launch into judgment and assume she's lying.

I don't want to derail the thread any further but there's no need to kick someone when they're down. It's not very nice.

Why would I be talking about menopause??

I haven’t assumed anything, other than what has been posted in the OP. “and now I’m required to look for work.” That isn’t somebody actively seeking to rejoin the workforce

Mybootsare · 24/01/2024 23:52

Sleepyevie9 · 24/01/2024 21:39

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose receiving Universal Credit as a single parent, it’s when your child turns 3 that you’re required to start looking for work

That’s quite young. Have the rules changed? My friend wasn’t even a single parent as she had a partner although he didn’t live with her full-time and she didn’t have to find work until her youngest was starting school aged 5.

Anyway I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to complain. She’s being unnecessarily harsh and she really can’t determine your level of anxiety. She must he using these bully tactics on others too.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:53

@Nocturna I thought "coping with life's changes" was a code for menopause!! I actually thought you were blaming it on your snappy response to OP.

Oh well, crossed wires, but still jo need to ve bitchy.

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:53

XenoBitch · 24/01/2024 23:48

What do you define as "milking the system"? Be specific.

I am predicting a post about how a lot people "take out" more than they "put in" etc.

In this specific example, the OP is seemingly annoyed that she is expected to seek employment as the child is now 3.

Of course this is only based on the information provided. If she has a disability and is on PIP, that isn’t mentioned in the OP

Nocturna · 24/01/2024 23:56

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/01/2024 23:53

@Nocturna I thought "coping with life's changes" was a code for menopause!! I actually thought you were blaming it on your snappy response to OP.

Oh well, crossed wires, but still jo need to ve bitchy.

Ah coping with life’s challenges haha. Yes I see. And no I’m not bitchy, but the tone of this OP trying to avoid work is an attitude that annoys me somewhat

Guavafish1 · 24/01/2024 23:58

You should write a complaint letter. Its not appropriate use of language and not apologising for your mistake.

I hope you find some work that you'll find some enjoy from, why not consider teaching assistant. You'll have to apply for training course first.

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