Husband acting like I'm the hired help.

[gr8mama]

I'm a stay at home mum to 2 little darlings, 1 and 2 and a half. Things are very busy as you can imagine, I've given up paid work to look after the kids full time, with no plans to return to work. Husband has a stressful job and is really under pressure at the moment at work. Not sure what he means but husband just said that "a few basic things are being missed around the house". (Not sure what he's on about, house tidy, dinner ready when he comes in, laundry done etc etc. Basically we've run out of milk and I've asked him to get some on his way back from the gym!!) Anyway to that I said "who the hell do you think you are saying that" I felt like he's my employer complaining about my work. To which he said "I'm the one that pays your bloody mortgage thats who I am!".....I'm seething! I've just told him I'm not going to iron another shirt or make another packed lunch for him, am I being unreasonable?

YANBU!!!!!!!!!

I'd bloody well kill him

does he not help out at home at all?!?!
mine once made mistake of saying 'I've done your ironing for you' hasn't made that mistake again

do you ever get any time off to yourself? time to start asking for some me thinks and see how he gets on managing with 2dc under 3yrs old

YANBU!!! What a horrid thing to say.

Tell him that you won't cook, clean, wash, tidy or ANYthing for him if that's how he wants to play it

FFS these "I'm the bread winner, therefore I am better" type men REALLY piss me off

on your behalf

Charge him for childcare, laundry, cleaning, cooking etc. and itemise the bill (make sure you get double pay for anytime outside 9-5) . We'll see who earns more at the end of it!

Bloody idiot.

YANBU! i hate it when my dh goes ona bout how he pays all the bills etc, i feel like shouting, 'yes and i do all your childcare for free mate' at him. it pisses me off that as a SAHM you become so under-valued by everyone. i swear my dh thinks i lol around on the sofa all day watching daytime tele, and the washing does itself etc

let him iron his own shirts and when he gets home from work you bugger off to gym and let him do kids bedtime!

YANBU

That is out of order. Bugger off on your own for the weekend and leave him to it.

ask for a list of the"basic" things that are being missed!

why do men think like this????
when they have kids do they think they will look after themselves?? or would they put them in nursery 24/7?

my dh argues that on my days off from work, i have nothing to do but look after dd which is 'easy'.

my dh is exactly the same as yours, you have my sympathy.

Wow, lucky he's not with me.

Because if he kept up that kind of talk and treatment he'd be paying not just the mortgage, but the rent on the flat he's going to have to rent after the divorce.

YANBU - put together a invoice for the hours you work looking after your family as Nanny, chef, driver, personal shopper, nurse etc, then split it, after all they are your kids too. I did this and the bill was still an annual salary of £48,000. When he can pay your salary then he can come out with crap like that.

YANBU. I'd be seething too!

YANBU...

Sure he may be under the cosh at work, but it it not like you have the luxury of compartmentalising your job and having the office door to close...

What an ar*e - for you...

What a knob.
Listen to Expat.

He's lucky you do so much for him. I don't iron shirts or make packed lunches for DH.

My DH flexes his muscles from time to time and says similiar type things about bringing the money in. When this happens I find I have to put my foot down and we usually have a big row. It blows over but I am determined not to put up with any crap off him.

I work as hard as he does keeping things running smoothly at home and caring for our children. I'm sure you do too.

I expect Xenia will be along soon with some advice.

He is BU (and a twat)

im on xenia. she will tell you to go work send dc to childcare

well, going against the grain here...

first, yes i agree that was a shitty remark, although factually accurate. second, why not ask him what he meant if you're not sure what he was getting at. third, you should remind him that it was mutually agreed that you would give up paid employment to look after the children/home and that he would see to the financial side (of course if it wasn't mutually agreed then there is a very big discussion you need to have). fourth, provider pressure is rarely acknowledged or recognised on mumsnet. it is absolutely shitty to be under huge pressure at work and to feel there's simply no escape. provided that you can both agree that the snide remarks have to stop, then i'd try and be supportive of his work pressure if possible. your job is of course very hard indeed, but you chose it. perhaps he felt he didn't/doesn't have the same choices and options that you do?

anyway, he shouldn't throw his weight about and treat you like the hired help.

hth and good luck.

"I've given up paid work to look after the kids full time"

You haven't given up paid work to be the housekeeper for your family home. It is still your DH responsibility to do half of the work involved in running the house. You are still working all day - but as you are at home you may be able to fit in some household chores he benefits from ie putting the washing on! I think all mums, but particularly SAHM should go out for the day every month or so and leave DH in charge with a list of household jobs to do too...this usually makes my partner more appreciate of what I DO manage to get done.

He should try doing a jobshare.

When dd was little, dh took one day a week off work to look after her while I went to work. I have never had to listen to crap like this since.

Also helps that I happened to work in his job before dc's. So he can't trot out all those tired old lines about "real work" being so much harder.

YANBU - I would have slapped my DH if he said that to me. We both work f/t and he knows he has to help around the house, although tbh I do the lions share because I have much higher standards. I would tell your dh if he's not happy, he could do it himself, better still, next time he's off on holiday for a few days, take yourself off somewhere for a break and see how he gets on looking after 2 dc and doing housework!

I can see some painful priority readjustment hoving in sight. Administered by applying the end of your pointiest shoes to his shins. Hard.

YANBU - and you are right to tackle this now.... It's very easy to slip into this role...

My DH works away and stays in a great hotel all week - and when he gets home, it's like he expects the same treatment. He really doesn't like it if the house isn't perfect when he gets home and likes everything 'his' way... I don't know how he's going to cope with DS!!!!

You shouldn't feel bad about asking him to pick up milk.....

Some men seem to think that if you don't bring home money then you are NOT working.
OK so the man feels stressed that he has to bring home the bacon and feels that the SAHM is having an easy time.
My friend's husband was just like that, if he came home and dinner was not on the table within 10 mins of him coming home he would shout at her and say she was a lazy cow.
He would even inspect the house to make sure everything was clean and tidy.
She soon told him where to get off!
Gave him a bill for childcare and cleaning services, laundry and shopping. He soon shut up!
AB

Who did the housework and chores before you gave up your job?