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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband acting like I'm the hired help.

83 replies

gr8mama · 19/03/2008 20:10

I'm a stay at home mum to 2 little darlings, 1 and 2 and a half. Things are very busy as you can imagine, I've given up paid work to look after the kids full time, with no plans to return to work. Husband has a stressful job and is really under pressure at the moment at work. Not sure what he means but husband just said that "a few basic things are being missed around the house". (Not sure what he's on about, house tidy, dinner ready when he comes in, laundry done etc etc. Basically we've run out of milk and I've asked him to get some on his way back from the gym!!) Anyway to that I said "who the hell do you think you are saying that" I felt like he's my employer complaining about my work. To which he said "I'm the one that pays your bloody mortgage thats who I am!".....I'm seething! I've just told him I'm not going to iron another shirt or make another packed lunch for him, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bozza · 19/03/2008 21:03

Actually I don't think it is her DH's responsibility to do half the housework if she is at home full time. Nor do I think it is her job to do all the housework. I think the actual line lies somewhere in the middle.

It does sound though like he is being a bit petty about the milk.

Although most of us have these situations from time to time. DH told me on Saturday that I have 4 day weekends. To be fair this was in the heat of an argument but I was not happy as you can imagine.

colacubes · 19/03/2008 21:06

I had the same problem with my dp for the first 12mnths after dd was born, in fact got so bad he complained to his mum I hadn't done any ironing since dd was born, she was 12 days old!! And his mummy told me off, said I was a bad wife. Needless to say I have NEVER in 2 years ironed another item of his, and I never will. Apparently he now tells me that at the time he thought I should "earn my keep", the prat.

My advice is dont fight him show him how much you do, I dont do half the things I did, in fact sometimes I just see to me and the kids and forget he's even there, he regrets it all now.

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 21:09

"provider pressure is rarely acknowledged or recognised on mumsnet. it is absolutely shitty to be under huge pressure at work and to feel there's simply no escape."

I agree with that - many of my (exclusively) male colleagues are frankly terrified of the consequences of the credit crunch. They are the sole earners. It is scarey.

So people want a bit of appreciation for sticking the washing on - I understand that - but really you know, it doesn't compare.

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 21:38

I agree, Quattro...

As far as I am concerned, it is my job to make sure that when DH does have time at home, his life is as easy as possible and I do also like to make sure the house is looking nice when he walks in...

He does work really hard and pay all the bills!

But, if I did genuinely forget something like milk, I wouldn't expect a tantrum... In fact, I did forget milk recently (well, I forgot to order it from Ocado - how lazy is that?!) and DH went straight out to the shop, even though he'd only walked through the door from work...

There again, I am still working full time at the moment too, so still contributing to our household too.

Original poster
gr8mama · 19/03/2008 21:46

Wow some of you guys play hard ball...At the risk of sounding a wimp (which, I most certainly am not btw!). We decided together that this arrangement would work, and on the whole it does, really well, until he makes the odd comment like this that makes me feel like I'm being carried by him. I do most of the housework, laundry, obviously childcare in teh week, (BTW he would never go to the gym before kids were in bed, he always does the bath,pj,story and tuck in for DD, while I do the same for DS) he really does quite at bit at the weekends with regards to looking after the kids, I always get at least one lie in at the weekend while he gives kids breakfast etc and I always get a meal of my choice which he cooks for us to eat together on a Saturday night when kids have gone to bed. So he's really not a bad egg! I feel a bit bad that he's been called names and that people think he's terrible. He is under tremendous pressure at work, and there is no way that I would like to go back to working in the City like he does, and my job wasn't half as stressful as his is. To top it all we are about to increase the mortgage massively to put quite a large extension on the house so there's another pressure on him, as he is the only earner. in all honesty I do think I have the easier ride. And I really feel bad that he has to go and work so hard while I get to play and have fun (mostly!) with the kids all day (while doing housework at the same time of course!) The things he said tonight were out of order, of course they were, but he's in a foul mood because he's had a shit day and whereas normally I would just ignore it and let him get on with his little tantrum I reacted and so he reacted and the mortgage comment was said in the heat of the moment. I'm still not speaking to him though, it was a really shit thing to say. He can sit in the naughty corner and have a good think about what he's done/said!

OP posts:
onebatmother · 19/03/2008 21:52

Jeezum Crow youcannot. YOu work full time, it's your job to make dh's life easy, and you think it's worthy of comment that he buys some milk when you've run out.

Original poster
gr8mama · 19/03/2008 21:52

BTW he wasn't having too much of a go about the milk, although he reckons I should have gone to the shop to top up (Ocado are bringing weekly supplies tomorrow...I too am lazy!),I think the basic thing he was referring to is that he's had to iron a couple of his shirts this week....(yes I know I've been slack! My excuse - Kids have had colds been keeping me up at night = knackered,lazy mum/wife!)

OP posts:
KerryMum · 19/03/2008 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 22:23

gr8mama... actually, the only thing I don't do is iron his shirts... I have a pathalogical hatred of them.... I blame my ex's mother - who tried to get me out of bed one morning (I was a 22YO student... I didn't DO mornings and I CERTAINLY didn't do IRONING!!) to 'show me how to iron her son's shirts' WTF!! NO WAY

But, yes, I do pretty much everything else. At the moment, I am working full time, looking after his kids (His ex is on holiday), and keeping the house... When he gets home for the weekend, there will be no housework to do..........

TBH, though, I feel really stressed , I'm forever running late (or Just-in-time as I like to call it ) and, at 31 weeks pregnant, it's all I can do to walk the dog!!! I swear I'm getting slower by the day!!!

Anyway, I just think you are right to at least expect a little recognition for what you do.... Half the time, I wonder if anyone knows I exist!!

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 22:25

do you wipe his shitty arse?

I mean, really, for god's sake. I am in exactly the same situation as you but on probaly an eighth of the income, and I try hard to make it so that he doesn't have anything domestic added to his 16hrs a day,7days a week load. But if I don't manage that, then I expect him to understand that I haven't been able to because it's not possible. Sometimes it's not possible, not because there aren't enough hours in the day, or because I'm ill, but just because my HEAD WILL EXPLODE if I have to think of one more person's needs.

Sobernow · 19/03/2008 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngharadGoldenhand · 19/03/2008 22:33

Er, would it be worth waiting a bit for the extension?

Now is not the time I'd be looking to increase our mortgage.

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 22:40

I do think it's a lot harder when there are kids about...

The providing parent can still feel a lot of pressure, even if money isn't a huge concern or the stay at home parent is very supportive.

Men (I suppose it's usually men) do feel like they have to be breadwinners / providers and may feel they've failed in some way if they don't feel they've provided for their family.

I don't think it's always an external pressure.

glazedkremedonuts · 19/03/2008 23:00

Gr8mama. Your husband sounds like how mine was at his most charming. I firmly believe this behaviour is on the spectrum of abusive behaviour. You also sound just like me, defending him, his long hours, his hard work, his general good egg-ness. Mine ended up going from talking to me and treating me like I was the help, right the way down to GBH. Now Im not saying yours would ever hurt you, I am saying that this is emotional abuse. I was a sahm (not for much longer sadly), and as such felt I should be appreciated, not treated as a workhorse that never broke down or needed a break or help.

NO matter how tired he is he has no right to talk to you like this.

Please take care and I hope you manage to talk this through with dh

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 23:09

I'd rather work every day of my life than stay at home with babies and have to feel grateful that I am being 'provided for'.

You say that Sobernow, but you also say that you stayed at home. So erm why didn't you go out to work if that would have been your preference?

I have to say there is no way that I would pay for my DH to stay home. I'd worry too much about being the sole provider. I'd also think he was having an easy ride and start to resent him.

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 23:16

Jesus, Quattro, you must be more cut out for this motherhood/wifehood thing than I am if you think this is an easy ride.

this is shaping up to be the same old dull sahm/wohm shite, but I don't think that's really the issue in this case. Respect is the point, isn't it? for both partners in this agreement?

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 23:22

I'm afraid I agree with Quattro.... So many SAHM moan about how hard it is, but wouldn't change it for a second... can't be that bad, can it?????

That said, the OP IS about respect.... and understanding the contribution each partner makes... Sometimes it's easy to do so much that people don't even recognise all the stuff that gets done... and that's ( I think) where problems really start.

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 23:29

don't agree at all with your first point youcannot. In many cases it's an understanding that the mother is the one who can do it - for whatever reason. Not because it's the easiest option.

scottishmummy · 19/03/2008 23:35

how your DH spoke to you was dreadful. but if the arrangement is that he provides all financial security eg mortgage then to an extent he can expect domestic household chores done. considering that's his job and the domestic stuff is yours. demarcation of roles

the point about billing him - doh! bills are invoiced for serviecs given. you have entered a domestic arrangement, that already provides for you

thus receiving
mortgage
extension on your house
autonomy of your own role
set your own time and tasks
holidays
access to joint account
provisions for you and family

this is a give and take situation.
you both chose it (i presume)

if you find it disagreeable, go back to work.
hire a cleaner
get some childcare

glazedkremedonuts · 19/03/2008 23:49

Scottish mummy, so it is ok for him to talk to her like that then? She only asked him to pick up something she forgot. We are all human, and it shouldnt be a problem in a relationship to pick up a couple of pints of milk on the way home!

Am I really understanding this right, some of you honestly believe that because the op is a sahm, she has to put up and shut up?

I think what she found disagreeable was the total lack of respect and the agressive response, not being a sahm! now YOU ARE being unreasonable!

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 23:53

Well you know, the DH said that some things are being missed - which was a bit of negative feedback but sounds like fair comment. To this the OP replied "who the hell do you think you are saying that"

So to be honest, yes I do think the OP is being unreasonable. She started it. If she doesn't like the arrangement she should go back to work, I think.

scottishmummy · 19/03/2008 23:53

read my first sentence-- pretty explanatory i'd say.clearly how he spoke was wrong.read further in GR8 post she described her dh cooking, taking care of children, giving her lie in. she says she has it easier - maybe i dont know?

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 23:54

precisely.

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 23:58

was to glazed.
she feels she has it easier. Possibly because he finds many ways to tell her that is the truth.

Even if that were true, it still doesn't mean that is is Easy, nor does it mean that she is a freakin' tied-labourer, for christ's sake.
She's his freakin' wife and the mother of his children - his PARTNER.

glazedkremedonuts · 19/03/2008 23:59

Yes scottish mummy, but you then went on with a nice BIG BUT...which cancelled out anything positive you had to say

So do some working mothers really resent going to work so much they feel that sahm`s have to take this abuse or continue to be unpleasant towards a sahm that is going through a bad time!

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