Husband acting like I'm the hired help.

[gr8mama]

I'm a stay at home mum to 2 little darlings, 1 and 2 and a half. Things are very busy as you can imagine, I've given up paid work to look after the kids full time, with no plans to return to work. Husband has a stressful job and is really under pressure at the moment at work. Not sure what he means but husband just said that "a few basic things are being missed around the house". (Not sure what he's on about, house tidy, dinner ready when he comes in, laundry done etc etc. Basically we've run out of milk and I've asked him to get some on his way back from the gym!!) Anyway to that I said "who the hell do you think you are saying that" I felt like he's my employer complaining about my work. To which he said "I'm the one that pays your bloody mortgage thats who I am!".....I'm seething! I've just told him I'm not going to iron another shirt or make another packed lunch for him, am I being unreasonable?

No you're not bu. Imagine if his boss came up to him and said there were crumbs under his desk and his screen was dirty and his sandwich had the wrong filling and his biro was the wrong colour and his hair needed a cut. He would tell his boss to Fcuk FFO!!

My ex was the same. He didn't see that we were a TEAM, or supposed to be a team. He wrongly saw all the money as his money. I had given up my job/income/pension etc for what? He couldn't acknowledge that I'd made any sacrafices, or at least, none that he should feel obliged to recompense. Like I say, he's my ex.

Bloody hell, luv, you're doing amazingly to do the laundry and make dinner of you ask me! More than my dh gets and he daren't complain! I'd be upset and hurt more than anything. You are deffinitely not being unreasonable. I often think men don't realise quite what hard work looking after children/ babies and the house is. It drains me and I only have one child. I agree, start sending him childcare and housekeeping bills!

My DH has a few times tried to make comments such as these. I responded by saying:
a. Raise it at my annual appraisal. BTW yours is due shortly also.

b. I am more than happy to work full-time, if you would like to stay and look after the children and run the house.

Strangely, the comments stopped.

I'm a SAHM now but used to work for a large corporate law firm and I can confidently say that some of my days at home with my toddler are busier and more exhausting than some of my days as a lawyer.

There are some days where I cannot manage to do all the housework, or go foodshopping, or take care of some other domestic task, just like how in the office there were days that I just couldn't get to everything on my desk.

Then there are some days where my toddler is particularly cooperative, the sun is shining, and I get to meet my friends and their babies in the park for a very enjoyable afternoon.

Similarly there are days when my dh (who has a very demanding job, generally) has a relatively relaxing day at the office, with time for a long lunch or extra socializing with his co-workers. Perhaps a drink after he leaves the office to celebrate a deal or some other accomplishment.

I don't begrudge him these moments off - in fact I'm glad he can relax at a long lunch. And he's glad if I can go to the park and socialize with other adults, even if that means that the laundry might pile up a bit.

So on nights when I'm shattered - he'll help with dinner and maybe do the dishes. When he's been chained to his desk all day and is stressed out I try to make sure that he can relax when he comes home and have a nice dinner. If we both feel awful we'll have a takeaway. If we're both still energetic at the end of the day we might have a go trying for dc#2 .

Bottom line is it's a partnership -- both of you should be on the same team, each willing to cut eachother some slack sometimes. He is not my supervisor, and he does not get to review my performance anymore than I can berate him for missing a work deadline or screwing up an assignment at the office.

Maybe it helps that before I stayed at home I had a job that was as demanding as his is now, I don't know. Perhaps this makes him see me as more of an equal and less like a cooking/tidying/ironing machine. (I'm sure Xenia has an interesting point of view on this.)

Anyway good luck to OP it does sound like although he crossed the line with the "i pay your mortgage comment", overall she has a good egg.

Um...... he pays "your" mortgage??? Where the hell does he live then?
OK, sure, he works hard and is stressed about it. But I'm sure he expects respect for the work he does from his colleagues and his wife. The OP presumably works hard as a SAHM (and the fact that she likes doing it is nothing to apologise for). She also should command respect for that. Her DH is out-of-line on this one, pressured or not. I think I'd respond along the lines of "mymortgage??? I think you'll find it's yours too, mate, and if you think things are slipping round here, then sack me and do it yourself."

Sadly I think this attitude is extremely prevalent among men-something to do with feeling that their role is to be the 'provider' and this linking up with their sense of self worth in some way. I hacve had comments like this although not quite as rude when i was on maternity leave witth our first and i have always been an equal earner and the major breadwinner at times eg when DH was made redundant. Even when his full time job was looking for work IYSWIM he still did less than me around the house and with our son. I can only imagine that it would have somehow damaged his self image and plunged him into depression if he had taken on a bit of hoovering and cooked a meal for when i got home occasionally and he had to sort of 'pretend'that he really was working from home (he did do a bit of freelance work which led to another job eventually thank goodness.) I really don't know what the answer is and would love to hear from other mumsnetters with positive stories of how they have managed to make their relationships a true partnership with both of you working together as a team. Obviously the 'old fashioned' model of 'he works for money she does everything else' works for some but would not work for us-I have better job security and would love to work part time but would not be at ease as a SAHM having lived through DH's redundancy once already. Also I love my job.

Hmmm just noticed this is an old thread-maybe will start my own???

YANBU! My DH has made similar comments and I tell him (in a not so polite way) to sod off and clean himself.