Domestic abuse

[tp2711]

Hi

I recently split from a partner after 8ths he's got angry and few times blamed it on alcohol an not remembering etc..

This time he done it in front of my children, he got agressive, throwing his clothes a charger pulled my arm when tied to get away, trapped me in the kitchen shouting at me, how no one gives a shit about me apart from him, I've manipulated him, tried to get me angry, saying I'm cheating on him, I'm nodoby without him, I've messed his life up, I tried to move away an go uostairs he followed me,

He moved in within weeks paid nothing, isolated me from friends if I wanted to go out he would either come with me or start an argument, he told me my family don't give a shit about me..

He told me he's going to give up work as he thinks I'm cheating!

When he left he said he was going to kill himself he won't be here tomorrow unless he has me, he then said the day after he's lost his job an has nothing without me

I tried to get my children out the house he wouldn't let me, I finally managed to get hold of his dad for him to leave, he messaged my children for money to get a taxi back

One of my sons was saying everyone gets angry I've explained this is not acceptable behaviour, he told me an the one of the boys he's going to Jill himself

The last few days I've had messges constantly how sorry he is like I said this isn't the first time but is with the boys around!

I've stood my ground an said no especially doing it infeont of my children.. I haven't blocked him as I'm scared he may turn up!

Todya I feel drained I feel so lonely I feel I've let me kids down I feel bad parent, I have no one to talk to

I'm sat on my bed in a state of anxiety, panicked sad cryinh is this normal!

I'm on my phone no one to call. Then I'm like maybe he is right maybe no one does car

We are here, he is abusive and manipulative. Are they his children. You can call the police if he turns up and women's aid will listen to you. Do not take him back. Protect yourself and your children. You are not responsible for him or to blame

No not his children need tried to move my eldest to her dads

They wasn't here when it happened only the boys

I've just come on here for someone to talk to to make sure I am right an not to feel so alone

OP - this is no way your fault and totally unacceptable. You have done the right thing throwing him out and I’m sure the threats of suicide are just another attempt at manipulation as this is quite common from abusers. Stay strong whatever he says or does. I hope you have changed the locks; If not, do it as soon as you possibly can (call a 24-hour service if at all feasible - it’ll cost more but be well worth it for safety.
Next you would probably benefit from some kind of therapy or counselling to help you see how you ended up with this man an avoid making similar mistakes in the future.
I wish well and a peaceful existence.

@HappyHamsters

Why's it so hard, thank you for saying your hear,

Well done @tp2711 , what you've done is so hard but you're doing it and it's completely the right thing. This toxic man needs to be out of your and your children's lives before he has a second more to do more damage, no ifs or buts. Can you block him from your children's phones to stop him contacting them? Sending strength ❤️

Sorry you're having such a hard time OP. You have done exactly the right thing, for you and your children. Hold on to that, if you feel a wobble.

Whatever happens, don't let him back and don't start doubting yourself. You have children and you owe it to them as well as yourself, to keep this loser as far away as possible.

I spent 4 years with an abuser before I had children. He demeaned me and lied and was physically violent as well as a coercive controller. In the end I had to leave the house (relying on him to feed the cats....) and move in with a friend, to get away. Eventually he did go. You are 'lucky' that your ex has actually moved out - I agree you need to change the locks, but please, stay strong!

Do you have friends or family nearby? If not, come on here as much as you need to get support, but please know that you have done the right thing for your children, and you must stick to your guns. You are none of the things he says, and are worth ten million of him!

Good luck .

We are here sweetie ♥️

@m00ngirl @Clarinet1

one of the boys is attached to him both boys have additional needs aswell..

The one who is attached I say attached has a bond with him, as the other 2 his brother an my eldest doesn't

He told me he won't stop talking to this man as eveyone gets angry, the other 2 hate him an wont speak to him.

I feel gulty letting him into our life's I feel a bad mum... like why didn't I see it, especially after the first kick of..

The man is saying to me I give my ex's chances why not him, he's had plenty of chances..

He brought a dog hates him within a day didn't want anything to do with him..

I get pop for mental health he signed up for carers but didn't care for me, used the money for whatever he wanted,
I've cancelled that now I did that today but now worried..
he said he's going to tell them there's nothing wrong with me, even tho I have doctors an psychiatrist letters!

I'm in a complete state!

As others have said, don’t let him back. He is very manipulative and sounds like he was trying to isolate you from others. He moved in with you fairly quickly too. Think of your children… be a good role model. Do not let them see you being manipulated.

@Teenagehorrorbag

No i don't have many friends that's why I come on here people don't understand an he's been around family wn created himself to be a nice person

He's taken him self to his mums ceying I've had his fmaily messaging me saying how upset he is an how sorry he is!

He didn't leave before sn would turn up this time he hasn't come back but I feel it's the calm before the storm

If you are happy to expose your poor children to this vile, abusive waste of space then I would genuinely question your judgement

You can chose who to bring into your home and life but your poor children cannot - instead they rely upon you to keep them safe and healthy

This loser has now exposed your children to abuse and showed you that he doesn’t mind if your children are frightened of his outbursts

I hope you see sense.

He also has no friends what so ever

Stay strong for your boys. How old are they? Keep reminding yourself you're doing right by them not letting him back, they will be terrified of him and you're job is to protect them. Forget the bond one of them has with him, your son doesn't want to see his mum abused.

Sorry to say but please don't let a man move in with you and your kids so quickly. There are certain types of men that look for vulnerable women like he has. Block his family and report him to police. Contact womens aid for support and keep posting on here. You're doing the best by your boys by getting rid of him.

I wonder why

@Painalloverallthetime

It happened so quickly stayed a few times then bam he was here!
I asked him to stay away a few nights he ddint listen sn clearly I wasn't strong enough to tell him..

An if I did it was a big deal, an now I'm facing the consequences..

I'm staying strong and that's why I've messaged on here well i sit here alone gojng over an over things

An feel guilty an feel ashamed let my kids down my kids are my world!

Why didn't I see it why didn't I do something now I have I feel I've done something wrong!

Questioning it all.. everyone speaking about me ab letting a man come into my children's life's ruined everything an I'm to blame for that!

I feel so shit

@Quitelikeit

Which is why he's not here! An why I feel guilty ashamed an why I've come in here to help me through the night of feeling how I do but thank you for you comment.

Don't doubt yourself lovely, you've 100% done the right thing and you won't always feel like this, you just have to get through this first bit and you will start to feel stronger. Even if it's happened before his behaviour will have come as a shock and shaken you up so the first thing is to take really good care of yourself. So make sure you eat and especially drink (not wine, well not too much anyway 😉), rest as much as you can and try to do things that relax you, kind of like you would if you were ill.

As for support you will definitely find it here but it may also be worth contacting Women's Aid or your local DV service, it might be really helpful to hear someone else say out loud that what you've experienced is abuse, sometimes we need that validation. The Freedom Programme is worth doing too, online or (even better) in person if you can find a course running near you.

Well done for getting him out. It takes immense strength and you should be very proud of yourself. I really hope you keep him out. I know you have done it for your kids, which is correct and admirable, but in time I hope you realise that you deserve better for yourself too. Best of luck, OP. And again, well done.

You haven't let your kids down! We all make mistakes - but you have realised this man is a loser and have thrown him out! That is being a strong, powerful Mum who is looking after her children and putting them first.

You don't say how old your DC are, but if they are old enough to understand then I would sit them down and have a chat about what this man did that is unacceptable, and explain that you would never let someone like that spend time with you or them. It will be a good life lesson.

If they are very young then just say you don't want to live together any more and he has moved out. You can say he was loud and shouty and that isn't a nice way to be.

Keep strong - you are an amazing Mum! And next time you meet a man you will hopefully have learned to take things more slowly. But don't beat yourself up - we all make mistakes, it's sorting them out that is most important!

If he turns up, phone the police. You could report him if you wanted to. While it wouldn't have to be pursued, it can put you on a quicker response time. Guilt and shame will slow down your recovery. Abusers are clever and work on their victim's vulnerabilities. Look at the links on DV on the relationship board,bread through them. If you go back to the relationship then you are harming your children. They have been emotionally abused by him. It doesn't sound as though there has been many positives to him being in your life, but they certainly don't out do the negatives.

Agree with PP, by the way, that you do the Freedom Programme. I really think it might help you free yourself completely from this abusive man. Because what you have described absolutely is abuse.

@Janetsmug

I've been in contact with the freedom program over the last couple of weeks an she is calling tomorrow she's unaware of this blow up this weekend she has been amazing an also I think that's why I had the strength to realise, you have to do it safely sn with support!

It's just so bloody hard they get into your head, he will not be coming back but when no one else is awake (the kids included) I'm on my own an then over think,

That's why I come on here for someone to talk to an to make sure it's not me an I've done the right thing an for some positive help and support!

Especially when they get into your head!

My messages are very clear to him this is over an this is because he exposed my children to the abuse, after telling my children to respect others and there mum and he has disrespected me an has shown he is not a good role model

But how the hell do they make you feel so flipping bad an make out there the ones that are suffering an there the ones that's lost everything!

@Teenagehorrorbag

sorry boys are 12

Girl is 16

I have explained that it's not acceptable an this is why he is not here actions cause consequences, I used it in a way if you disrespect me or your brother/sister you lose your phone or you get grounded, as an adult in a relationship you have to leave.

Honestly, don't blame yourself here. You weren't to know he was an abusive slimeball! I lived with my ex for a year before we got together as he was my lodger - he seemed the loveliest guy! It was only after we became a couple that the control freak stuff hit with a vengeance....!

Yes - you might want to wait longer next time before moving a new partner into your home - but you weren't expecting him to be a freak. Learn the lessons - but you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about!

Glad to hear you've been able to talk to your children about this. Just congratulate yourself for bringing up up your three children as well as you have, despite all your challenges, and look forward to the future. Hopefully you will meet someone decent in due course - but no need to rush into anything. It's nice to have someone to share things with - but while your kids are at home you won't be lonely, and there's no hurry......