Domestic abuse

[tp2711]

Hi

I recently split from a partner after 8ths he's got angry and few times blamed it on alcohol an not remembering etc..

This time he done it in front of my children, he got agressive, throwing his clothes a charger pulled my arm when tied to get away, trapped me in the kitchen shouting at me, how no one gives a shit about me apart from him, I've manipulated him, tried to get me angry, saying I'm cheating on him, I'm nodoby without him, I've messed his life up, I tried to move away an go uostairs he followed me,

He moved in within weeks paid nothing, isolated me from friends if I wanted to go out he would either come with me or start an argument, he told me my family don't give a shit about me..

He told me he's going to give up work as he thinks I'm cheating!

When he left he said he was going to kill himself he won't be here tomorrow unless he has me, he then said the day after he's lost his job an has nothing without me

I tried to get my children out the house he wouldn't let me, I finally managed to get hold of his dad for him to leave, he messaged my children for money to get a taxi back

One of my sons was saying everyone gets angry I've explained this is not acceptable behaviour, he told me an the one of the boys he's going to Jill himself

The last few days I've had messges constantly how sorry he is like I said this isn't the first time but is with the boys around!

I've stood my ground an said no especially doing it infeont of my children.. I haven't blocked him as I'm scared he may turn up!

Todya I feel drained I feel so lonely I feel I've let me kids down I feel bad parent, I have no one to talk to

I'm sat on my bed in a state of anxiety, panicked sad cryinh is this normal!

They manage to do this to you OP because they are manipulative, scheming, selfish, bastards! Please know though, that not all men are like this. You've just picked the wrong ones up until now.

Can I suggest that as you've said you have a feeling this is the calm before the storm, that if you can possibly afford it, you get new locks put on the house tomorrow.

As someone else said, I would block him on the kid's phones, he does NOT need to be contacting them, if they're not his kids. Personally I would block him on my phone too if I were you, but only you know if this is likely to provoke a visit to the house.

You have done incredibly well to get him out of your house, and each day you will grow stronger. Stop questioning why you invited him in the first place, just tell yourself that you will NEVER make this mistake again, for your own sake, and that of your children.

In future, take time to get to know a man really, really well before you even introduce him to your kids. If you really want to spend a night together, get someone responsible to stay over at your place, to look after the kids, and go to his, providing you feel safe with him, and don't make the mistake of falling into bed with a guy, the minute you meet him just because he expects it. Whatever you do though, DO NOT invite a new man back to yours, until you are absolutely sure that he is a good man, treats you well with no red flags, and has met and got to know your children over a long period of time. If he love bombs you, and rushes you to move him in, saying things like the kids will be fine with it, and stuff like that, treat it as a red flag. Any man worth having, will understand that if you have kids you've got to put them first.

Finally OP, stay strong, you can do this, and we Mumsnetters are right here for you. Look after yourself. Sending you a hug.

I don't miss him,

It's more the fact I have no one to talk to abouy this especially this time of night.. not the company it's more the over thinking an the emotional side of it all an the truma he's caused me an my children especially them!

I absolutely hate him

Why I messaged on here instead of crying to myself because he's got into my head an the stuff he's said

The more you guys are messaging the stronger I feel the more in don't feel so alone..

The more I feel stronger I done the right thing, an this isn't an imaginary thing they make our it to be, it's real an what he's done isn't acceptable!

So thnak you so much I appreciate every one of you for being so kind ❤️

You are doing the right thing. Abusive men escalate--if he comes back his abuse of you will get worse and he may abuse the children, also. You are being very strong. It is terribly difficult to admit that a relationship has failed, but you aren't the one who caused it. You are braver than you think you are, and your children will come to understand why he has to stay gone.

Thank you for eveyone who helped me get through last night.. ❤️

I managed a few hours sleep..

Do you all mind if I still come on here just to chat please

This is why we are here. Keep talking and keep going 💪

Just read your thread, I'm here to chat as well and I obviously echo everyone else in saying you're doing the right thing for you and your children. How dare this prick raise his voice to you, let alone trash your house, physically assault you and terrify you and your children. Talk to Women's Aid today and if this asshole turns up at the house, call the police.
Start getting his stuff into black bags, fuck them out in the garden and tell him to send a family member to collect it, he's not to come near the house or you'll call the police and report the DV.

We are all here for you.

He's abusive and manipulative. Thank goodness you got him out!

I'd block him.

Call the police for advice.

💐

He targeted you because he thought you'd be a soft touch. But you can do this! You are strong and you've got this.

There's a good reason he has no friends...

How old is your ds who still wants to see him? I'd forbid him, tbh. No good will come of it.

I'm finding today hard it's all hit me today what happened and I let it!!

I'm so so so stupid

A bit of tough love here... but telling yourself over and over that you're stupid is not going to help you, or your children. What's done is done, you've made the brave decision to fuck this guy out of your house and your life and they are not the actions of a stupid woman.

Pick yourself up, make plans to get those locks changed, to get his shot out of your house and get on with your life. You're worth more than this pathetic waste of space, straighten your back up.

I've contracted freedom today, I've contacted counsil there coming to do the locks, I've contacted police an put an alert on my house,

An I've contacted a local dv agency!

Honestly I can't thank you guys enough o appreciate each an everyone of you for your support ❤️

Amazing OP, all excellent steps and keeping busy doing things will stop the mind racing and overthinking I'm sure.

Are him and his family still contacting you?

He still is
But rhe freedom DV lady said it's safer to not block him, so there's not so much of a reason to come to the address unti all measures are in place!

It's still jsut messages of how sorry he etc.. an he'll do anything!

Well done OP. So proud of you, you're doing the best for your kids now and yourself. Stay strong and keep talking

You are doing amazing, you should be so proud!!! Far from stupid decisions you're making!!!

Of course the scumbag is sorry……..until the next time.

Do not fall for his nonsense, he is dysfunctional and a risk to your children’s well-being. If he had an ounce of sense he would avoid being in relationships where kids are near his toxic behaviour.

People rarely change, imagine if your daughter was dating someone like this what would you tell her?

Don’t give up on your children’s future as everything you do now lays the foundation for that. If you let him back he will have an adverse impact on them

@Quitelikeit

I'm not falling for anything

I've got everything in place

I came on here for support to help
Me last night when I had no one to talk to!

An I have done the right thing by my children he's not here and won't be coming back

Doesn't stop the worry of him turning up etc! And his scared and trumatised we all are through it!

Anc the pieces k have to pick up because of him

Nowhere have I said he's coming back

I’m not having a go at you I’m just trying to help you understand the reasons why you should truly not let him back.

He will try and try. You might become weaker as you are vulnerable but those lovely children are even more vulnerable. I don’t want him to break you.

Stay strong I’m on your side

@Quitelikeit

Thank you sorry it sounded like you wes I think I'm just in that state of mind atm,

He is trying to break me in the day I'm fine as I have my sister by she lives 300 miles away. At night is when I think of the vile things an how bad it was my head spins.. an my kids are everything to me an to see that i witnessed domestic abuse/ violence as a child in an out of refugees with my mum, an never want this to happen to mine,

I'm sorry I took it the wrong way, my head is not in a good place atm but I'm getting up I'm getting my children to school etc , I may not be in a fit state but I'm trying not to let it interfere with them..

I've contacted schools an told them an they are supporting them at school aswell

Thnak you ❤️ and I'm sorry again xx

You're amazing and im awake (insomnia) for a bit if you need to chat x

In the last few days you have:

> kicked this asshole out of your house
> shown your children this behaviour is not acceptable
> contacted a DV charity to seek help and advice
> contacted the police to alert them to any potential trouble at your property
> contacted the kids school to let them know what's going on
> contacted the council to ask them to change all the locks

You're doing amazing OP, you should be very proud of yourself. This is the start of a very bright future.

How are your children doing? Are they home with you? Do they know what's going on?

Hi,

Yes there here with me they are ok, the one with serve adhd was a very challenging yesteday morning and angry with I knew he would be as he's takes time to process things.

I've had messages from him saying he's tried to take his life and he's at the doctors an what meds they have put him on, I've been been very cold I jsut commented an said

Well least you have something,

He's tied to say they have put him through to talking therapies an manager Ed to get him an emergency appointment
I have mental health an there is a 6-12 waiting list, his full of shit

He has 2 young girls himself an since he left the mother of his kids is such a different person made her out to be such a bitch when it was him!

Thnak you for messaging xx

Sorry this was me!

I was trying to help my sister who lives 300 miles away to work mums net!

And how to change the name I didn't realise it actually changed 🤦‍♀️

Coming back on he's getting nasty! Saying how much damage ive caused

I was told not to block him from women's aid an women's domestic abuse to safeguard us so he doesn't turn up!

He has a contract in my name cause yes I was stupid.. I've contacted ee they was lovely but I have to get the phone or he has to change owner ship which he won't do!

Saying how much he's done for me he hasn't done anything

I'm at breaking point I've been so strong! Been doing everything everyone professional has said

My mental health isn't good I'm staying strong he will not be returning but it's the stuff he's saying

He's a c**t

Again I jsut want someone to talk to! I feel shit today

OP you're doing brilliantly and you are an amazing Mum! Try to hold onto that.

I'm sure you feel at the end of your tether and it must be incredibly stressful. Just keep coming on here if you want to talk, and remember you're doing all the right things, for you and for your children. It is going to be hard for a while, but you've already proved how strong you are, and things will get better.

Some men are just slimeballs. Even if he has his own problems - that doesn't make it right to inflict them on you and your family, and you owe him nothing.

We're all here for you!

He is trying to break you down. Telling you that he has sought help - more like he will say anything to get back in your house with you.

Next time he threatens to harm himself tell him everytime he does it you will call the police who will carry out a safe and well check and organise for him to be sectioned. That might stop him.

You know when you said about your mum and your upbringing you were conditioned to be attracted to these sorts of people and now you are going to break that cycle for your own children

If I was you I’d plan something nice for yourself - a visit to your sisters or something or just anything if you have friends nearby.

Lonliness can make things feel worse for you. I’m glad you are still posting