Domestic abuse

[tp2711]

Hi

I recently split from a partner after 8ths he's got angry and few times blamed it on alcohol an not remembering etc..

This time he done it in front of my children, he got agressive, throwing his clothes a charger pulled my arm when tied to get away, trapped me in the kitchen shouting at me, how no one gives a shit about me apart from him, I've manipulated him, tried to get me angry, saying I'm cheating on him, I'm nodoby without him, I've messed his life up, I tried to move away an go uostairs he followed me,

He moved in within weeks paid nothing, isolated me from friends if I wanted to go out he would either come with me or start an argument, he told me my family don't give a shit about me..

He told me he's going to give up work as he thinks I'm cheating!

When he left he said he was going to kill himself he won't be here tomorrow unless he has me, he then said the day after he's lost his job an has nothing without me

I tried to get my children out the house he wouldn't let me, I finally managed to get hold of his dad for him to leave, he messaged my children for money to get a taxi back

One of my sons was saying everyone gets angry I've explained this is not acceptable behaviour, he told me an the one of the boys he's going to Jill himself

The last few days I've had messges constantly how sorry he is like I said this isn't the first time but is with the boys around!

I've stood my ground an said no especially doing it infeont of my children.. I haven't blocked him as I'm scared he may turn up!

Todya I feel drained I feel so lonely I feel I've let me kids down I feel bad parent, I have no one to talk to

I'm sat on my bed in a state of anxiety, panicked sad cryinh is this normal!

@Teenagehorrorbag

Told me he tried to end his life I don't know where he fitted that in when he's constantly messaging! 😂🤦‍♀️
Must of happened in the space of 5 mins!

I'm trying I know it's not me I know he's trying to get in my head, told me to end it in person I said I don't feel comfortable or safe doing that, told me to ring me to end it so I did an guess what he didn't answer mind games!

I know the cycle of what's happening he's not getting his own way so throwing it's all at me

Told me how he gave me money for Xmas presents he gave me fuck all he's diluted!!

He didn't work for 5 mths I paid his child benefits his weed, my own Xmas presents paid when we went out! Always said I'll pay you back never did!

He's saying how he helped put funiture up, painted the boys room he paints half a wall!

How the hell did I get in this! An not know I feel so dumb!

I've been strong since Saturday im trying but when he lies I hate liars!

We all have our own problems but we don't do things like this

I've got ulcers all in my mouth, I'm drained

@Quitelikeit

That's what my support worker said about growing up, an attracting the same cycle

He said he went to the doctors and they have said he's very frigile,

I know he's trying to break me I won't let him that's why I come on here cause I know you guys will tell me! And help!

I'm so thankful for you all!

He isn't getting anything out me I'm not in conversation with him,

I message after a couple of hours an state why we are in the position..

Yet it's my fault..

An I think this is why it's turning tonight as I messaged an said ee will accept you taking on the contract he doesn't like it cause he's not in control

So now he's twisting

I think you need to stop messaging him.

I did yesterday today until I called ee an needed to sort the phone out!

Stop the Direct Debit for the phone or just freeze and then change your debit card.

Stop messaging him. I know Women's Aid said not to block him, and I see the logic in this, but can you mute him? You need to stop giving him headspace.

Did you gather all his shit together ready to be collected?

Honestly, I stupidly spent 4 years of my life on and off with a lying twisted abuser (god, why???). No kids involved luckily. They can be so twisted and manipulative and play games like no normal human could ever imagine! Words like gaslight didn't exist in my day but they've come into existence because people recognise that some weirdos do awful things!

Could you ignore his messages for longer - would that help? I know you said you've been advised not to block him, but just don't respond, or do so once a day perhaps? Keep him out of your head as much as you can (I know that's easier said than done.....).

And if you do need to message him, try and keep it unemotional, factual and very short. You're doing brilliantly - remember that you will come out of this nightmare soon and back to your normal life with your lovely children - and he will be a horrible but distant memory!

@InAPickle12345

I've bagged it all up! I don't want to take it he said he will be out but I know he won't be,

I don't want him near the house cause of the kids.

Your name in a pickle that's how I feel!

Anyone live near Bristol an want to help me..

So you tell him it's out in the garden, he has X number of days to have someone come and collect it or it's going out with the bin collection.

He's not allowed come to collect it himself or you will phone the police.

@Teenagehorrorbag

Oh my goodness you are amazing well done it's so hard isn't it.

Yes I've ignore him his messages are on mute I didn't reply yesteday I only did today an was about the phone I think that's what has for his back up as I haven't replied to his

This is different
I'll never do it again
I've learnt
I swear on my kids life
I'll do anything
I'm nothing without you.
Why are you so cold
Why can't you speak to me
I'm not monster,
I will do anything
I promise

The list goes on an on

I feel like im getting in everyone's nerves right now

Im so sorry

You don't need to apologise.
This is hard for you.

You need to come up with a single reply and just send the same message every time
Don't try to argue your point, don't get drawn in.
Just think of a single reply and just send it.

Maybe
We are through. I want you to collect your belongings and leave me alone.

Or
I am not taking you back, leave me alone

Or
It's not appropriate for you to be telling me this. I'm not the person to help you. Phone your mum/dad/mental health/whatever

Or
I am not responsible for your decisions. Leave me alone

Whatever you choose it should be the only thing you reply. The same words each time.

I would have suggested saying you are saving all his messages as you are reporting him to the police for harassment or saying if you message me again I will call the police etc but I feel that you saying that to him right now would put you at risk.

However, you should save all the messages and report him to the police so they are aware. You could see if a flag can be put at your address (not a literal flag, I mean a note on the system) so if he turns up you phone the police and they know about him.

Most importantly, don't get sucked into conversation with him. A single, unemotional response on repeat and nothing more. If you feel that not replying at all would cause him to come round and try to get into your house that is.

If he comes round. Call the police at once. Don't hang about. Don't try to talk to him and for god's sake don't open the door to him.

Did you say you’d been with him 8 months? As if the relationship was > 6 months you can apply for a non molestation order. It’s free if you put the application in yourself without using a solicitor. You can do that online. They can be granted within a week or so if considered necessary.

Then get a video doorbell so if he ignores it you have evidence for the police.

Send him one last message telling him never to contact you again, and if he does you will report him to the police for harassment. If you engage with him he could argue he wasn’t aware he was causing you any issues/upset.

Do not delete anything.

Good luck

https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

I've had 35 missed calls and obvs drinking and then he sent this

I've put my phone on airplane mode but quickly took it off to show you now what I'm dealing with.. this isn't the last message

I’m someone you supposedly “fell in love” with, what you’re doing to me isn’t the actions of what you say,towards someone you say you fell in love with. it’s cruel and evil no matter what I did. What you’re doing to me is wrong, you tell me you haven’t given up on us but In the same Breath you’re finished and it’s done. That’s not love it’s pure cruelty. You’re ripping me shred from shred and I hope you’re happy with it and are satisfied. But it’s not fair you can’t even tell me you love me you can’t hold a conversation, you remove the instagram post, You’re pulling on my heart strings and as if they ain’t broke enough, don’t you dare tell me I’ve never thought about you and those kids. Yeah 5 mistakes I’m being punished what about your mistakes? What about your hair being pulled and called a slag? What about the way I put my self out there for everyone and from 5 mistakes that I beg to trey and put right and you just Continue to be so cold hearted towards me after all I done💔 well done to you.. you have broke me in ways I will never ever be able to come back from I hope your happy and you can live with that but then again you always end up being the one to move on and be strong but yet I’m stuck here missing YOUR kids as you like to say tell me I can’t do this or that but they was good enough for them.. and now I’ve lost it all and you give no fucks about how I’m feeling just to try turn it around and make out I’m then selfish one thinking of my self, I’ve only ever put you and the kids before my own and you question my love or my commitment to you or them, you’re the disrespectful one not me. I’ve begged and pleaded and promised you I’d change after one chance but you’ve cold shouldered me you’ve ignore my messages you don’t miss me or love me. You have well and truly broken not just my heart, but my life and my soul. Easily fall asleep and not care yet I’m the one hear drinking everyday losing my job and losing my will to live to give up on my self and my kids because I don’t feel good enough for someone who don’t care about me. Sleep well t**. I’m sure your get what you need from your weekend and I’ll be but a long distant memory before long. Thank you for the last 8 months and happy anniversary for Saturday. I got pushed to the point i tried to take my own life but as you say always thinking of my self so no better way to prove what an selfish cumg i am, after all your relationship and this isn’t me throwing it in your face, they have you nothing they ruined you, they made you feel like shit, I only ever tried to be good to you and treat you a in a way that they didn’t but yet they got millions of chances, I fucked up 4/5 times and now you’ve given up on me completely, you just don’t do this to someone you’re meant to love and they all said I’d ruin you and break your heart, seems like only one broken heart here that’s not yours, enjoy your new year starting in February I hope it was better than the last one.

Goodbye😭💔 I’ll love you forever.

Oh and also this is cause I'm going out tomorrow most of this started cause I'm supposed to be out *

Ignore ignore ignore. He's pathetic and will try everything he can to manipulate you.

And report the SIM and phone missing if he won't return it.

My ring doorbell is up and the police have put a flag in the address

I've given him a time Saturday to collect it if not I'll tell the police!

Oh yes all messages are kept xx

I've got you guys on WiFi as he can't ring then

Xxxxx

You are doing so well. Well done for realising he is trying to manipulate you and well done for ignoring him. Well done for reaching out for help. Keep going! We are all rooting for you!

This is just some of the disgusting messages this morning

He realises that he is losing his power and control over you and he’s lashing out. Which means you are definitely doing the right thing in leaving him. As I said, keep going! Remember that right now he is showing you who he really is - an abusive, pathetic, arsehole. Hold that thought and hold your nerve. You’ve got this!

He's trying hard to guilt you back, isn't he? Hopefully it's just reassuring you that you've made the right decision.

For context, after 8 months, my now husband and I were still dating, it very much felt like early days and if he'd shown any signs of not being amazing company, let alone trouble in some way, I would have ended it. Your ex is saying all this stuff about broken heart (pure manipulation, don't believe a word of it), which is way too serious after 8 months even if it was true. He's just showing how far from a good man he is, with everything he types.

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Skim read his messages at most, once a day, so that he's not filling your head, because that's what he's desperate to do. He knows once you stop thinking about him it's really over. That might be a while yet because you've got some stuff to process, but you'll get there!

He's like a fish in a net, twisting and turning in an effort to get what he wants. He's missing your money and home, so of course he's doing what he thinks will get him back into his cushy little number.

You are doing so well! I see a strong person who is working through each problem and taking measures to stop this situation - changing the locks, ring doorbell and so on.

This nest of vipers has got your back and will be here for you to talk to, whether it's for advice, a listening ear or just for you to talk nonsense to.

What’s done is done op. Don’t dwell on it now. Concentrate on moving forward with your boys, keeping that toxic man out of your life, and gaining some confidence in yourself. The worst thing you can do now is keep him around, in any capacity- or jump into a new relationship with someone else. Try and build up a friendship network, maybe have a look at something like the Freedom Programme, it’s commonly recommended on here. Good luck, and well done getting rid!! x

Do not engage.
He is manipulating you.
His is trying to turn himself into the victim.
Do not lose sight of what he did to you.

Write it down and read it. Keep reading it.

Any threats he makes on his life, report to the police. Let them deal with it. Don't respond.

OP I think you have done an amazing job of getting all those things actioned, ie, the ring doorbell, the police flagging your address, etc. You seem to be gathering your strength by the moment. Well done!!

Please don't worry about coming on MN for support, lots of us have been in similar difficult relationships at some point in our lives, and we all handle them differently. OK, you've made some mistakes, but now is the time to turn your back on him and the past, and concentrate on moving forward. We're all here for you, egging you on to a better future. Just stay strong, and as others have said, just have a cursory look at his texts, if you feel you must, but once he's got his stuff, I wouldn't have thought you need to even do that.