Judgy comments about C-section

[heyduggee12345]

Did anybody else experience judgemental comments from friends/family when they told them that you'd opted for a c section?

I had many complications with my first birth which was to be quite honest traumatic and ended up in an EMCS. I guess I could try for a VBAC but I'm terrified it will end in another emergency.

I don't think I am being unreasonable for wanting/hoping for a more calm experience this time. But family & friends have been so judgy when I've mentioned.

It's making me question my decision and I'm having to justify myself everytime when people are asking the reasons why. Even the midwife told me today the consultant will likely try to push me for a VBAC.

Why is this?

I didn't get comments from friends or family but to be honest, i hadn't decided till the end. But what did really piss me off was when I had finally decided, I told the consultant at my last hospital appointment, who then tried to talk me out of it! All along I was trying to ask midwives etc for advice and they just gave me the leaflet. I decided that as most of the negatives were about having more children and I only wanted the 2, they didn't really matter. And my first birth I was 2 weeks late and ended up being induced. But nothing progressed at all and to be honest I just thought the same was going to happen again.
The consultant really tried to talk me out of it. Asked if I wanted a hysterectomy while they did it if I wasn't having more kids - WTAF?! When I said 'no' he said 'ha! So you do want more kids! People always say they don't'. He then offered to make me an appointment with a lady who has been very successful in talking to people about their concerns. So basically 'do you want an appointment with someone who is going to change your mind?' Errr, no!

Why are you telling people? It isn’t their business. There will always be people who think that elective Caesarians are an unnecessary source of money and resources or that you are ‘too posh to push’.

ELCS for both my babies. Fast recovery, very peaceful and stress free, zero regrets. I’m surprised you’re getting so much pushback, no one batted an eyelid at my request either time, including the consultant. However as far as friends and family go, I’m not sure anyone would have dared challenge me, I’m rather bloodyminded 😂 100% your choice and you have a very good reason-to me a CS having already had one isn’t truly elective anyway as there are risks to VBAC. Anyone overstepping just tell them to mind their own. As for your midwife, just be firm-you need to self advocate, she’ll back down.

The midwives will pressure you, just ignore them, tell them you are happy with your decision. Give them a jar of wee every so often and you probably won’t need more from them.

The consultant will probably support your decision. If they do, just tell any family that the consultant recommended it.

Actually having another c section probably is best for the baby!! Vbac has a risk of scar rupture. Maybe you can tell them that! Don’t let them push you.

Do what is best for you! Had an EMCS with DC1, after 48 hours of induction not working and they got stuck, meconium etc. In the country I was in , it was standard to go for VBAC even after CS, so other DC 2and 3 were VBAC even with induction again, and DC4 came on their own . By far the most difficulty for me after was the CS because it’s major surgery- but I did feel judged about DC1- but healthy baby and mum is the most important.

emergency cs from a vbac is actually worse. Most women who choose a vbac do because they really want a vaginal birth experience. You’re doing what’s right for you.

I had an elective after a difficult vaginal birth - failed ventouse, forceps, third degree tear, episiotomy, lost 2.9 litres of blood (suspected start of placental abruption). There was probably some nerve damage and bruising as well which meant my bladder didn’t “wake up” so I left hospital with a catheter, leg bag and no one could tell me if it would recover (it did). My pelvic floor was so wrecked that my back just gave in and I spent three months doing physio to get better.

The ELCS was great. Yes, it hurt afterwards, but the recovery was smooth and a lot, lot quicker than from the vaginal birth. I hardly remember that I had one now.

All consultants and midwives I saw were supportive of an elective. (I was seen by several consultants because of another, unrelated minor health issue that they kept under observation). Only one registrar tried to question me, and the consultant waved her away before I’d even had a chance to open my mouth. One consultant even brought my C section date earlier saying “we do not want you going into labour after what happened last time”.

As for friends and family, very few of my friends had straightforward births and a few had electives for their second as well. My mother had an elective for her only child (me). My grandmother had catastrophic birth injuries when my mother was born which marred the rest of her life and she was never able to carry another baby. So there were no snide comments.

But if anyone had tried, they would have got extremely short shrift from me, plus a detailed and gory description of exactly how my vaginal birth went.

Stick to your guns OP, and pay no attention to judgey people!!

Planned section due to placenta previa. It was a positive experience and I hardly remember the recovery. My foo foo remained intact while my mummy pals sat on rubber rings. I was so sad at first to learn I couldn't give birth 'naturally' but it was a good experience. Over a decade ago now.

Oh god sorry OP that you're experiencing this. I had similar comments with my pregnancy during covid lockdown. I had a rare complication which meant that had I opted for a vaginal birth I would have been induced early, unable to have an epidural because of low blood platelets, higher risk of haemorrhaging, and they would not be able to use forceps or suction to get the baby out just incase he'd inherited my condition and the use of such implements could cause the baby to have internal bleeding. Oh and I would be alone during the early stages of labour because of lock down/covid rules. Some friends, my in laws and the consultant made alot of judgemental comments about me choosing to have an elective c section and in the end I completely disengaged with them - it made my pregnancy a lonely experience. There was a lot of "you can do it if you try, you'll be fine", and a total lack of understanding about my choice, which had seemed the obvious choice to me, but it made me doubt myself. I stuck to my guns, had the c sec, it was a really positive experience. I felt like I'd lost control in my pregnancy with the unexpected diagnosis of a rare medical condition & the c sec gave me some control back. Ultimately it was the right decision, despite being told it was very rare for my baby to inherit my condition (very low blood platelets), he did which meant he spent a few days in neo natal care with an emergency blood transfusion, with some follow up ultrasounds on his brain to check for bleeding - thankfully all OK now - he's a very healthy little boy. Had I listened to others, my sons outcome may not have been so positive and put us both at more risk.
Trust your gut. You don't need to justify your choice to anyone else. Disengage with them if you need to. You are the best person to advocate what's best for your baby. Do what you want. You've got this!

I’d add - I think I’m right that the NICE guidelines have changed recently to make it easier to have an ELCS - essentially you are entitled to one if you want one, and if a consultant says no, you can request another who will do it. But others who have looked into it recently will no doubt come along and give more accurate information.

Yes I've had comments. My sister said to my mother " oh I would give birth for Glittering1 as she's so soft and I dont think she will handle labour". Upon hearing I had an emcs she said "oh thank god she had a section, she wouldn't have been able for a normal delivery ". My DD was 10lbs 14oz.

My SIL also loved to boast about all her "natural" births.

My mother couldn't understand why I couldn't walk up three flights of stairs in my apartment after birth of my DD. Apparently the stitches she got after her vaginal birth were far worse than my major surgery.

Lots of other stupid comments that basically translated that c sections were easy and not a proper way to give birth.

I am honestly astonished that anyone would comment on it to you 😳

I had a crash section and then an elective a few years later, and I would have been deeply unimpressed at anyone who'd made any kind of negative comment about it, whether family, friend or random person in a cafe. For the life of me I don't know why people can't keep their opinions to themselves!

I feel you. My MIL was very judgey about my c-section even though I had complete placenta praevia and couldn’t give birth vaginally even if I wanted to. She wanted me to ask for a second and third opinion as a vaginal birth is the only way women should want to give birth. Pregnant again and will be having a c-section this time round but will be keeping it to myself.

Whatever you chose will never be right for others. Do what is right for you and your baby.

I had an emcs with my 1st, traumatic and horrific.

2nd chose vbac got told I was an idiot, why are you doing that, it will never work, you always fail at giving birth. It ended up in a failed induction csection, then I got told you so, too posh to push, you just can't do it.

3rd baby elective csection and I got aren't you worried about the risks, your body just can't do birth/ handle birth and everyone telling me how they just did 2 pushes and out because to some people motherhood just comes naturally 🙄

I got annoyed told them they had baggy fanny's and that's why their kids fell out... Convo ended 😂

How weird to hear midwives are trying to talking firstime ECS mother's into vaginal births. For my second birth, it became very clear that they were far more keen to opt for a managed c section than a natural birth, and even though I gave birth vaginally with my first they were keen to illuminate all risk before they agreed I could try for one again (I was low risk anyway, but induced with first so not sure if that's why).

I mean, everyone's experiences are different but the only planned c section mum I've talked to in depth really rated it over her first natural birth.

I must admit I did a lot of birth story swapping in the first two years after my first. I was carrying around a lot of trauma. I had a natural birth but 48 hours of induced labour that could very easily have ended in emergency c section though so was always mindful that it's definitely 'a real birth'. I may have expressed some sympathy at having to have a c section after drawn out labours but I hope no one is offended by that because I just thought they'd then have surgery recovery on top of everything else. Glad to see some people say their recovery was quick and easy.

I'm really hoping the same goes for you and it's a calm, well managed birth.

I've had two elective caesareans due to my own disability. In the anti-natal classes for my first, after an in depth description of labour, the midwife asked us all in turn to say how we felt about it. Most were saying things like nervous, I said "glad I'm not doing it", which earned me a horrified look from the midwife 😂

It's none of anyone else's business, and it is perfectly acceptable to tell them so. It's extremely rude of people to be giving their opinions, so don't feel you have to be polite in replying.

I had the opposite problem. I wanted a vbac but was told my hospital didn't perform them because they were not equipped to deal with the dangers of uterine rupture etc, so was automatically scheduled for another csection. First csection was easy, second was a nightmare, but I made it through them with two healthy children. Don't listen to anyone but yourself. I absolutely didn't want another csection but the idea of my baby possibly dying because of vbac complications settled that debate quickly. The nurses told me stories of women showing up with "the poor child half hanging out" because they refused the recommended csection, and waited until it was too late to do anything but deliver vaginally before going to the hospital. Quite selfish and dangerous IMO

Literally nobody has ever mentioned my C-Section.
Except DH when he urged me to “keep up” while out walking the baby a few weeks after birth. Fucking prick.

Fuck’em. Although it would be wiser not to talk about it too much prior to the event. The world and his wife always has a view. Keep your own counsel and do what is best for you and your baby.

I’ve had two elective c-sections. People can be total arseholes about it which I just don’t get as it’s not like it affects them in any way, shape or form. I’ve had two healthy babies and never felt a contraction and I am fine with that. Just ignore them OP.

I think it does depend where you are.
1x emcs and then no mention of a choice for second just assumed that I'd have a vbac.

My friend in same situation but next town and a different trust was booked for a planed Cs for her second.

Those asking/judging won't have been through a traumatic birth or it's aftermath, will they?

I'd be reminding them of that.

Just ask the friends and family why they want you risk to repeat the trauma, and why do they want to control your choices? With the medical staff keep pushing for the C-section if that’s what you want.

Mine were the opposite and surprised I’d go for a vbac. Midwives all trying very hard not to give me opinions either way (which was good although meant I went back and forth a lot).