My eldest an Parents- in-Law’s Golden Wedding Part 2

[OurNev]

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding

I have no idea if the above link to my first thread worked.

I told DH what I had seen on my younger son’s WhatsApp and how upset I was. We decided to wait until something was said.

On Boxing Day his sister told him that they would have to meet up to discuss the events that were going to be planned. She said the grandkids were doing something and DH said that my eldest would want to be involved. But sister said the weekend was only for grandkids but there were two other events that the extended family were going to be invited. DH could not carry on the conversation as people were in and out.

We spoke to younger son and he just hadn’t thought about his brother and kept saying that they weren’t his grandparents. The cousins never mentioned him at any point. I was so upset and we both started crying. I now admit that I very stupidly told him he couldn’t go to any event that his brother wasn’t invited to. He started screaming at me and said he was going.

DH calmed things down but when son had stormed off said he wouldn’t support me in banning younger son.

Well yesterday DH, SiL and BiL had a pub lunch to talk about dates etc. I wanted to gatecrash but DH said no!

There are three events: 1 for bio grandchildren ( and inlaws’ elderly cousins joining on one day) 1 extended family and friends and 1 for immediate family. Eldest son is welcome to join the other two events.

I regret to say that I was hysterical when he came home and told me. He had said to them he was disappointed about eldest’s exclusion.

Last night BiL rang DH saying while he understood his position he felt the grandchildren had a right to organise something. He felt as a family they had done their best to be nice to him and be respectful of his feelings, Apparently when we were together at Christmases they would withhold their kids’ presents so eldest wouldn’t feel left out. He thought it was enough that eldest is invited to extended family celebration.

At the end of the day I don’t want youngest going with his cousins but DH won’t support me and my younger son wants to go anyway. Doesn’t see the issue at all.

This is going to cost DH and his siblings a few grand.

I am threatening to tell in-laws (after the events) how upset that I am but DH says that he won’t forgive me if I do.

When younger one goes off with cousins eldest will be in middle of’A’ Levels and I don’t know how he will take it.

I think you're causing a lot of drama for very little gain. Have you actually talked to your eldest and found out what he thinks about it?

I would do this: younger one joins in with cousins. It’s only going to cause problems if he doesn’t. I and older son don’t attend anything. DH can suck it up. If PIL ask why I’m not there, I would tell them I’m upset that my eldest was excluded. If they don’t ask, I wouldn’t say anything - I wouldn’t raise it.

My DH does not get to censor my interactions with his family.

I’ve posted this before: my DM’s friend treated her son’s DSS as a DGD from the start - made no difference between her and her biological DGC.

I don’t understand why a step-child would be singled out and excluded from a social event.

I am angry with my younger son but accept that he wants to go with his cousins.

If I involve my parents in law ( after the events) my husband won’t forgive me.

I haven’t mentioned anything to my eldest but I think he will be devastated about his brother and cousins leaving him out, this will literally be a couple of weeks before his ‘A’ Levels.

Should he be doing big family events the week before his a levels?

Is DS 2 be keeping secrets from DS1? How long will that last?

I remember your first thread. You're actually "hysterical" about this? Come on now. That level of drama won't help anything.

I don't think banning your youngest is the right way to go about this. He'll just resent your eldest. I think if they're adamant he can't go you'll have to be as supportive as you can to your eldest when the time comes.

Forgetting my all the other bits I'm still wondering if you're focussed on the wrong bit, I can't find the original thread but are you ok with your dc actually going? Who will be responsible for him? Why are you being engaged so late in the day? Obviously you being hysterical isn't helping but those are the boys I'd be focussing on.

Crying, shouting, hysteria, threats … I think you need to calm down.

I assume the other thread is full up? Did you not get enough advice in those 1000 posts OP?

It's shit for your eldest but what are you going to do other than complain about it? You have a range of options available to all way from doing nothing to ending your marriage. There has to be some way to make a stand that you are happy (enough) with.

You are being ridiculous, this seems a consistent thing lately, this event is not all about you

Your youngest son shouldn’t be penalised for being part of a blended family. I didn’t read your last thread but it sounds like you are making this a drama. You can’t control people and you have to accept it. You can’t control how aunts/uncles and cousins relate and label your ds.

yes they could include him but they aren’t, says more about them but it is what it is.

Calm down and stop making it such an issues particularly when your ds is taking his exams.

OP why didn't you link your first thread?

The other thread hasn't got 1000 posts.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4956376-my-eldest-and-parents-in-laws-golden-wedding-anniversary

Why an Earth have you started another thread @OurNev 🙄

I'm lost.
Why is this going to cost your DH thousands of pounds?

Presumably the parents are expected to pay for the surprise the kids are organising.

The op is looking for someone to agree with her that she should go completely scorched earth and ruin her relationship with her husband's parents, and subsequently her marriage.

Honestly none of this is in your hands.

You have the choice between ruining the relationship between your sons and between you and your husband and his family by making a deal of it, or styling it out.

That’s your choice.

You know they don’t see him as quite as much family as his brother, just as you aren’t quite as much family as their daughter.

When they are older the younger one will realise the implications more and perhaps regret how it happened. But you can’t force that on him now.

You can help DS1 cope by downplaying it, or you can blow it up and make it even harder for him. Your choice. Get a grip.

🤣

BTW OP people don't start Thread 2 until Thread 1 is filled up.

Op, your eldest is 18!!! Surely he can see he's not the star of this show even if you can't.

I’ve read both now. You’ve really escalated things in a huge way.

If your elder son was invited would you have let him go away a couple of weeks before a levels?

If you carry on with the hysterics you're going to make it worse for our eldest! If he sees you in a state, kicking off over it he will feel like it's a massive deal too.

The reality is they're not his grandparents and yes it would have been nice if he was included and treated the same but ultimately he doesn't have to be and you can't force people in to feeling a certain way.

It's also unfair for you to be angry at your youngest for wanting to be included

You've got to come to terms with them not seeing your DS, as blood family. If his father was more involved and his GPs still in contact, you wouldn't be feeling this as much. It's a shame that your DH didn't adopt him, but you can't turn back time. There's going to be more events were he isn't going to be treated as family. Your youngest is entitled to mix with his family. You and your DH accepted this situation many years ago and it's unfair to want use and involve your youngest. As said this will damage your relationship with your youngest and your marriage, while not helping your eldest one bit. You aren't going to get your own way regardless of all the screaming and crying.

To save any further drama, I would just tell your son and say it's not a convenient time for him to go away for a few days so close to his A levels.

He's not invited, so you will just have to suck it up. He mightn't care that much anyway.

Your PIL won't be around forever, so let it go.

"Hysterical" is such a massive over-reaction. I feel sorry for your husband and younger son.