Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding anniversary

77 replies

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:02

This is my first post. I can’t really trust friends not to be indulgent to me. It’s a topic that had been done to death on here.

Yesterday younger son who is 13 was given a lift and forgot his phone. It kept pinging and it was a cousins’ Whatsapp Group; I didn’t know he even had Whatsapp. The chat was discussing a surprise trip they were going to take their grandparents on to celebrate their Golden wedding. They are all sworn to secrecy.
My eldest son who is my husband’s stepson is not included.
I am just so heartbroken. He is 18 .

I haven’t mentioned that I have seen the chat. I don’t know whether to tell my husband.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 04/12/2023 13:05

I don't understand, how is a 13 year old taking anyone on a surprise trip?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 13:05

I'm sorry about this, op. What is your son's relationship like with your in-laws?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 04/12/2023 13:09

It depends on the relationship.
Is he your son, their uncles step son?

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:11

The cousins range from 23 to my son at 13. It is a 20 year old girl that is managing the group. My son will be driven by a 22 year old cousin.

My eldest has a ‘cordial’ relationship but it has been a constant source of upset and anxiety for me that my sons are treated differently. He does not have a relationship with his father. His grandparents would send a son-in-law round twice a year with a gift but this stopped and hasn’t been reinstated after covid.

OP posts:
NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 13:13

What age was your son when you married your DH?

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:15

They met him at 2 and a half and we married two weeks before his fourth birthday.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 13:16

Are you in-laws cruel to your son?

Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 13:16

So grandchildren are organising something for their grandparents wedding anniversary. That's really thoughtful and lovely.

Your eldest son is not a grandchild of theirs, so of course he wouldn't be involved.

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 13:19

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:15

They met him at 2 and a half and we married two weeks before his fourth birthday.

That's young, I can see why you are saddened. Does your DH see him as a son?

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:19

They are not cruel at all. They are cordial and polite. I doubt they have ever been cruel to anyone in their lives. They are a very sweet devoted couple. They just don’t see him as a grandson/nephew/cousin.
The fact that the grandchildren are doing this proves how nice they are.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 04/12/2023 13:20

Has your husband adopted your eldest son, in which case he would be a grandchild and should therefore be involved

Enko · 04/12/2023 13:20

As the "non granddaughter" here I would have been desperately upset if my step cousins had organised something for my step grandparents and not invited me.

They were my grandparents too. Thankfully my step cousins wouldn't consider that and know I'm as much family as they were. So no@Dishwashersaurous. Its not an off course he won't be invited. Many families woild do and I 100% get why op is upset.

Blood doesn't create families. Love does.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 13:21

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:19

They are not cruel at all. They are cordial and polite. I doubt they have ever been cruel to anyone in their lives. They are a very sweet devoted couple. They just don’t see him as a grandson/nephew/cousin.
The fact that the grandchildren are doing this proves how nice they are.

In this case I think you have to accept the situation for what it is. I don't think it's reasonable of you to expect your in-laws to have the same emotional connection to your son that they do to their grandchildren.

justalittlesnoel · 04/12/2023 13:27

Your eldest son is equally important to you, obviously because they're both your children. That's not always going to be the same for other relatives, especially something like cousins.

Especially if your eldest has a "cordial" relationship, it's not like they're the closest of close. The fact they don't see him as a grandson (which he isn't in all honesty) probably is something to do with this too, why would the cousin arranging this involve someone who's not a grandchild when it's just the grandchildren doing it?

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:34

My husband adopting him has never been discussed. My son would have liked nothing more than to be close to them all.

OP posts:
hairbearbunches · 04/12/2023 13:36

If he's been in their lives since he was 2.5 years old and he's now 18, this is just shitty behaviour. At what point does he become a 'real' member of the family? I can see why you're hurt by this, because it's a hurtful thing to do. Who gets to decide whos 'in' or 'out'?

Might be a bit more understandable if the relationship wasn't long standing, but to all intents and purposes, he's your husband's kid too. He's parented him for almost his entire life.

Do you think perhaps the grandparents would be upset if they knew he was being excluded?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 04/12/2023 13:38

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:34

My husband adopting him has never been discussed. My son would have liked nothing more than to be close to them all.

So does this "not proper family" attitude actually emanate from your own husband, I wonder? Do the rest of his family take their stance from him?

honeybeetheoneandonly · 04/12/2023 13:40

Does your eldest have a relationship with them and considers them his grandparents/cousins etc or speaks to them on his own accord (eg What's app) regularly, then this is really hurtful and I would address it with DH.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/12/2023 13:43

Sounds not so nice to me. Surely him being included does not detract from the occasion? Does your dh know?

mammamummym · 04/12/2023 13:43

Could the 13 year old ask if he can come too? I know it's not the point but the more he's involved then the more people might involve him.

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 13:46

OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:34

My husband adopting him has never been discussed. My son would have liked nothing more than to be close to them all.

But does your husband see him as a son? That's at the heart of this. If your husband doesn't see him as a son, it's no surprise that his family don't see him as a grandson or cousin. They would follow his lead. If your husband does consider him his son, then your husband needs to talk to his family and explain the hurt.

Shelby2010 · 04/12/2023 13:51

I think on this occasion it should have been your 13y old who said ‘let’s ask DS1 too’. Can you ask him why his brother isn’t included rather than blaming the grandparents who presumably don’t even know about the surprise?

maybejustonemoretime · 04/12/2023 13:51

Agree with @NorthernAttitude

I bet if your son suddenly became a celebrity or a multi millionaire they'd all be proudly calling him their cousin/ grandson.

Your younger son can't go anywhere without your permission so when his older 22 yo cousin contacts you to make arrangements maybe just ask them why eldest isn't invited.

Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:56

You see I am not supposed to know anything about this. I think DH’s sister does know as a reference was made to photos on the Whatsapp chat. I don’t want anyone to know I saw the whatsapp.

OP posts:
Original poster
OurNev · 04/12/2023 13:57

My husband has always supported him and treats him the same as our youngest.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread