My eldest an Parents- in-Law’s Golden Wedding Part 2

[OurNev]

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding

I have no idea if the above link to my first thread worked.

I told DH what I had seen on my younger son’s WhatsApp and how upset I was. We decided to wait until something was said.

On Boxing Day his sister told him that they would have to meet up to discuss the events that were going to be planned. She said the grandkids were doing something and DH said that my eldest would want to be involved. But sister said the weekend was only for grandkids but there were two other events that the extended family were going to be invited. DH could not carry on the conversation as people were in and out.

We spoke to younger son and he just hadn’t thought about his brother and kept saying that they weren’t his grandparents. The cousins never mentioned him at any point. I was so upset and we both started crying. I now admit that I very stupidly told him he couldn’t go to any event that his brother wasn’t invited to. He started screaming at me and said he was going.

DH calmed things down but when son had stormed off said he wouldn’t support me in banning younger son.

Well yesterday DH, SiL and BiL had a pub lunch to talk about dates etc. I wanted to gatecrash but DH said no!

There are three events: 1 for bio grandchildren ( and inlaws’ elderly cousins joining on one day) 1 extended family and friends and 1 for immediate family. Eldest son is welcome to join the other two events.

I regret to say that I was hysterical when he came home and told me. He had said to them he was disappointed about eldest’s exclusion.

Last night BiL rang DH saying while he understood his position he felt the grandchildren had a right to organise something. He felt as a family they had done their best to be nice to him and be respectful of his feelings, Apparently when we were together at Christmases they would withhold their kids’ presents so eldest wouldn’t feel left out. He thought it was enough that eldest is invited to extended family celebration.

At the end of the day I don’t want youngest going with his cousins but DH won’t support me and my younger son wants to go anyway. Doesn’t see the issue at all.

This is going to cost DH and his siblings a few grand.

I am threatening to tell in-laws (after the events) how upset that I am but DH says that he won’t forgive me if I do.

When younger one goes off with cousins eldest will be in middle of’A’ Levels and I don’t know how he will take it.

I understand why you are upset and it’s quite awful they didn’t invite your eldest, theve known him since he was 2 and he should be treated as part of the family.

How come the cousins see him as not a bio cousin? They must have met when they were all young and I can’t imagine young children especially cousins caring whether they are related by blood or not.

It’s not fair to stop your youngest DS going, he’s 13 and would obviously be very upset by this. I wouldn’t cause drama. I agree with PP, let your husband and youngest DS go to events they are invited to and you and eldest DS avoid all events. If the grandparents ask why then you can tell them afterwards.

The younger son should support his brother. Don't fall in line with the abusive extended family.

Older son won't see it as a massive deal due to OP's hysterics. He's had 18 years of her dramatics. He probably just wants to pass his exams and get the hell out of the house, and has no fcks to give about his younger brother's grandparents party.

I assume your eldest has paternal grandparents and their celebrations are unlikely to include your youngest on an equal footing. If your DS1 is upset, I would emphasise that fact. I suspect though you are unwilling (unable?) to provide a positive spin on the situation.

First off I apologise for starting a new thread as my first was a few weeks ago I thought I would start a new one; I didn’t know the protocol.
I am distraught that DH’s nieces and nephews do not think of my eldest as a cousin. I want to ask them why. My husband said he wouldn’t forgive me if I contacted them.
His brother and sister intimated that they wouldn’t be amused if I did anything to spoil these events and tarnish them in anyway. His brother followed this up with a call.
I am upset that my younger son is willing to go without eldest and so willing to say that his grandparents aren’t his brother’s.
I am not going to the two events that I am invited to; I am just going to say that eldest has his ‘A’ Levels. I am not discussing it with eldest as I know he will be upset but pretend he isn’t. There is no contact with his father and no contact with grandparents since Covid.

I am distraught that DH’s nieces and nephews do not think of my eldest as a cousin. I want to ask them why.

Surely the answer is because he isn't their cousin? You sound deluded and determined to cause a huge issue where there isn't one.

Isn't your son an adult? How on earth are you planning on stopping him? Stop trying to control other peoples behaviour.

Leave them be, if you feel so strongly don't attend. There is a ridiculous amount of drama over this. YABU,

I'm very sorry you're feeling so upset about this, OP.

Is your older son also upset, or doesn't he know about this yet?

I think it's a shame that your husband is unable to understand your POV.

Why do you hold your younger son's grandparents to a higher standard than your older son's own father and grandparents?

OP your son has not been excluded from his Grandparents celebrations , he’s just not been invited to everything. To be honest with his Alevels coming* up that’s too big a distraction anyway.
I think OP you are being dramatic. Support your family , don’t make your kids feel bad and downplay the invites you’re making this a bigger issue than it is.

You are not being ridiculous at all. You are clearly gobsmacked to discover that your husbands family do not fully accept your eldest son into the family . What harm would it have done them to include him. I also think you are saddened that your younger son is choosing not to be supportive of his sibling and your husband is basically forbidding you to upset his family despite them upsetting you