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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My eldest an Parents- in-Law’s Golden Wedding Part 2

61 replies

OurNev · 22/01/2024 18:26

My eldest and Parents-in-law’s Golden Wedding

I have no idea if the above link to my first thread worked.

I told DH what I had seen on my younger son’s WhatsApp and how upset I was. We decided to wait until something was said.

On Boxing Day his sister told him that they would have to meet up to discuss the events that were going to be planned. She said the grandkids were doing something and DH said that my eldest would want to be involved. But sister said the weekend was only for grandkids but there were two other events that the extended family were going to be invited. DH could not carry on the conversation as people were in and out.

We spoke to younger son and he just hadn’t thought about his brother and kept saying that they weren’t his grandparents. The cousins never mentioned him at any point. I was so upset and we both started crying. I now admit that I very stupidly told him he couldn’t go to any event that his brother wasn’t invited to. He started screaming at me and said he was going.

DH calmed things down but when son had stormed off said he wouldn’t support me in banning younger son.

Well yesterday DH, SiL and BiL had a pub lunch to talk about dates etc. I wanted to gatecrash but DH said no!

There are three events: 1 for bio grandchildren ( and inlaws’ elderly cousins joining on one day) 1 extended family and friends and 1 for immediate family. Eldest son is welcome to join the other two events.

I regret to say that I was hysterical when he came home and told me. He had said to them he was disappointed about eldest’s exclusion.

Last night BiL rang DH saying while he understood his position he felt the grandchildren had a right to organise something. He felt as a family they had done their best to be nice to him and be respectful of his feelings, Apparently when we were together at Christmases they would withhold their kids’ presents so eldest wouldn’t feel left out. He thought it was enough that eldest is invited to extended family celebration.

At the end of the day I don’t want youngest going with his cousins but DH won’t support me and my younger son wants to go anyway. Doesn’t see the issue at all.

This is going to cost DH and his siblings a few grand.

I am threatening to tell in-laws (after the events) how upset that I am but DH says that he won’t forgive me if I do.

When younger one goes off with cousins eldest will be in middle of’A’ Levels and I don’t know how he will take it.

OP posts:

ConfusedBear · 22/01/2024 21:10

While it would be nice if your eldest was counted as a grandchild he isn't.

Surely the best course of action is to let your eldest know about the trip and ask him what he would like to do over those days. It sounds like a really good chance to recharge before his A-levels and if there is a takeaway or restaurant involved that you wouldn't normally go to with your youngest then all the better.

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

Harrietsaunt · 22/01/2024 21:13

Honestly @OurNev this is a ridiculous amount of drama.

Your DS is not their GC and no amount of hysterics from you is going to change that fact.

Stop making such a big deal out of it or you will ruin your relationship with your youngest, your DH, and the wider family.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/01/2024 21:16

I tell you what i would do

I would let your youngest and DH go, and I would spend the equal amount your DH is spending on a weekend away, the same weekend for you and your eldest somewhere really nice ( so neither of you go and you spend time one on one with your oldest)

The whole family is appalling

pickledandpuzzled · 22/01/2024 21:17

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

Right, but he isn’t and there's no way to address that right now.

I think the half hearted effort from his birth dad’s family has really screwed things up, frankly.

But the choice is the status quo or everyone losing out.

Crazycrazylady · 22/01/2024 21:19

Honestly using words like hysterical. You sound a bit unhinged op.

Outlookmainlyfair · 22/01/2024 21:24

Such an unnecessary drama!

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2024 21:29

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 21:12

From previous thread, the eldest has been in their lives since he was 2, now 18, it's actually quite horrible he's treated differently, he should be accepted as a family member.

He is counted as a family member, just not a GC. You can't force adult cousins to view him as a blood cousin. As said, it would just cause resentment.

Londonrach1 · 22/01/2024 21:38

What your eldest want to do. You seem to be going ott re this.

herewego9 · 22/01/2024 21:38

Cannot believe the amount of posts saying that this is fine as he's not a bio-grandchild. It is sickening behaviour from your husband's family and they should be utterly ashamed. I wouldn't go anywhere near it and it would totally change how I saw them from now on

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 21:44

OP have you asked your older son what he thinks about this?

Kwam31 · 22/01/2024 22:01

@Ponoka7
He's been there since he was 2, longer than some of the cousins, this blood nonsense is just nasty.

Ohnoooooooo · 22/01/2024 22:02

In our families step children are treated the same as biological children - and I personally think that is the way things should be. So I totally get why you are so upset.

However, it sounds very much like your husband's family has taken a different stance - but it appears they have always had this stance towards your son - this recent event is just spelling it out. The fact your son was never encouraged to call your p'n'law his grandparents says it all.

Personally I think your husband should have asked his parents about your elder son calling them his grandparents a long time ago - it would have been clear sign to his family that your husband considered your elder son as his own.

And yet - I don't think you can ask your younger son not to go to this event because really this ship has sailed and he should not be penalised for how his relatives feel about your eldest son. To add to this, being its your eldest son's A levels timing and it would not have been a good idea for him to go anyway.

I think though, if it was me, I would find it difficult to not cool things towards his family. I mean if they are not prepared to fully accept your elder son because he is not biologically related to them......you are not biologically related to them either.

And I would be asking my husband how he feels about adopting your eldest son so there is no confusion as to how he feels about him.

Wellshellsbells · 22/01/2024 22:08

My ds18 is not dh bio son,(hasn’t seen birth father since he was 2)we met when he was 3.5 and he adopted him when we married.we have a 12 year old together.I completely understand where you are coming from and if my ds was treated like this ,I would never speak to dh family again.also would not let my 12 year old go,I don’t care what he’d think.dh could feck off too.the only difference is ,dh family embrace him as one of their own . Dh family went on holiday last year and me and dh couldn’t go but they asked both kids to go and only the younger one went because older ds didn’t want to ,but the important thing is he was asked.
everyone saying op is unreasonable ,are you in the same situation ?
I think your feelings are justified op and I would just tell ds that it is too close to his exams and not mention the fact he wasn’t asked.

TheShellBeach · 22/01/2024 22:09

I can see why you're upset.

Has there been another incident? You seem very, very upset about this.

zeibesaffron · 22/01/2024 22:10

I am with your husband in the sense that your youngest should absolutely attend - its not their fault the family don’t see your oldest as ‘a grandchild’ he is 13yo and won’t think in that way!

To be hysterical though - really?? Again I am with your husband in that you should not speak to his parents- what are you hoping to achieve? they haven’t organised any of these events so what will happen if you do tell them!!!

Have you actually spoken to your 18yo - you need to stop making this about you and see what the 18yo wants to do? Why don’t you go away with him that weekend or pay for him to have some nights away with mates?

This position is not going to change now - not after 16 years - however you can control how you respond to this and your hysterical response is probably only making your kids feel worse! So think about how you will interact with the family going forward and support your 18yo to explore how he feels about this and what he wants to do long term. How they have treated him is not how I would respond - step GC have always been treated equally to GC in our family but your H has allowed this to happen for 16 years!

GelatinousDynamo · 22/01/2024 22:16

ExtraOnions · 22/01/2024 20:32

Crying, shouting, hysteria, threats … I think you need to calm down.

This. You need to calm tf down, this isn't about you and your fragile precious feelings. You're overreacting and causing drama in a situation that - if managed by someone emotionally stable and level-headed - could have been solved with minimum fuss. You're not doing a favour to either of your sons.

TealSapphire · 22/01/2024 22:20

Three separate events sounds OTT, as does spending thousands.

Personally I'd take the high road. Yes it's unkind to exclude your DS but it's their choice. Does your DS even care?

Namenamchange · 22/01/2024 22:20

Did you have much contact with dh family over the years? How many times a year did you all get together?

Beenalongwinter · 22/01/2024 23:14

The first event described as for bio grandchildren, is an extremely odd description, please may I ask are there lots of step grandchildren or relatives?

rhubarbby · 23/01/2024 00:10

It would hardly kill them to include him, nasty bunch including your own husband, he couldn't make a stand for him, weak man. I just wouldn't bother with them anymore and if you lose the weak husband over it, count yourself lucky.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2024 01:22

Sorry op but the histrionics are ott.

YOU'RE going to make eldest upset by sobbing to him about how cruel the world is for forgetting how special he is and how his awful brother doesn't even love him properly and his step father has abandoned any notion of paternal protection.

Just tell him matter of fact youngest will be away that weekend doing something grnadchildy for the grandparents. Give him time to be upset now before the exams are nearer

Solocup · 23/01/2024 01:34

While I agree that being hysterical doesn’t help, and you were daft for saying you youngest can’t go, I think you’re getting an unfairly hard time.
It’s awful that they’re excluding him. He was a toddler when you got together! I totally get why you’re sad. Given how they don’t view him the same I’d kinda feel I wouldn’t want the oldest going though. They sound like they suck.
And what insane cheeky fuckery inviting a child on a several thousand pound trip without running it by mum and dad first. That’s freaking madness. They sound like arseholes. I’d definitely be giving the ‘extended family’ thing a wide berth. Jeez people are arseholes.

WandaWonder · 23/01/2024 01:48

Solocup · 23/01/2024 01:34

Maybe they are sick of the op's hysterics we only have the op''s version

Redglitter · 23/01/2024 01:54

Interested as to why a second thread was deemed necessary unless its for added drama too

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