How to explain why we're moving (without sounding superior)

[wouldthatbeworse]

It's a secondary school one. Secondary schools where we are very mediocre. (e.g. Progress 8 of 0, 30% 5 or above in English and Maths). Behavioural issues seem no worse than anywhere else, so by no means terrible schools but not exactly what anyone hopes for their kids.

We are in the very fortunate position (through hard work and saving but also through luck) to be able to move into the catchment of a much better state secondary. It's not far away and we will transport DS back for the rest of Y5 and Y6. It's a chunky jump in house price. His friends will almost all go to one of the local schools we are moving to avoid.

How should I explain this move to my son in a way that doesn't make him sound like we are superior to any of his classmates (he will likely repeat a version of what we say to his friends). Is there any way I can tell the other parents without coming across like a twat. I don't think we are "better" than any of his friends and their families, just luckier. But by moving we are effectively saying what's good enough for your little Perry isn't good enough for our Kevin.

I am also aware that there is no guarantee my kid will be happier or or get better grades at the 'better' school. I just feel if we don't move then I'm not doing my best for him.

Although don’t forget that if the new school is that good it may be so oversubscribed that even being in the catchment you might not get in.

Yes just say you really like the house/ love the area.

Don’t say anything re schools!

OP - you sound very thoughtful. My child has been so upset in the past by the number of children going off to private & grammar schools, following years of expensive tutoring, stating how they can’t believe we’re sending her to out local (excellent) comprehensive.

I know they’re just parroting what their parents have said, but I do often wonder why parents don’t have conversations with their kids about talking sensitivity re school choices.

Agree with others though - focus on house & convenience. Good luck!

I can't imagine anyone will care enough to ask beyond :-

"we're moving home"
"That's nice, are you moving far?"
"No, just over by 'posh' bit,"
"Ah, sounds lovely, anyway gotta go"

The schools you are moving away from don't actually sound too bad so plenty of people, especially those with older kids already there, might well be perfectly happy with them and not actually give a shit where you are moving to. I'm not sure why you think they will all care so much? The schools are literally average with a P8 of 0, and of course there will be children there who do a lot better than that and those who do a lot worse. You have said behaviour isn't too bad - don't know how you know but presumably there aren't any massive issues with it that would be obvious locally. You shouldn't pick a school just based on that data, tbh.

Your son shouldn't go around telling all his friends he's going to a better school than them, but at his age he ought to know not to do that really whatever you tell him about the move. If course he should move primaries as well or it could store up a lot of trouble at transition time.

Is the house bigger or more garden etc. I'd go with that

You could say you got itchy feet and felt like a change.

We were in this position - I'm going to be honest and tell you people will know and you just have to suck it up.

I accepted that those who could not afford to move did feel some sadness/ resentment as they saw us all move in Year 5.

Thats life - you can't have all the luck and then have an issue with people seeing that from their own perspective.

I was like you I wanted to be tactful - but people aren't stupid.

and btw having been through it - its not true that people don't care or notice. Anyone who says that hasn't been in this situation.

It was definitely a cause of sadness/ tension in our primary.

Will the other kids even care?

I'm moving school
Why?
We're moving house.
Oh. Ok.

😁 xpost with waterrat.
Maybe it's just me that wouldn't give a fuck then.

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies. You've been very kind (I know you can need a thick skin for AIBU).

I likely am overthinking. Most other parents will rightly only be concerned with their own kids, either sad that their kid's friend won't go to the same secondary or perhaps even that they can't afford to move nearer to the "better" one. MORE likely they'll think we are idiots for spending ££££ moving when the local schools are (in their view) perfectly ok. Either way they'll all just move on with their day.

Be less bothered by what other people think.
I chose to send my DD to a selective grammar. Very divisive where I live to do this. I didn't explain or apologise. I did what I thought would be best for my child, I'm not apologising for that.
I would also change primary school, then you won't have to face any of that anyway and your child will be able to make new friends that will possibly make the transition to high school easier.
If you do have the conversation about moving - you've seen a house you like and if the school issue comes up, you can say it's certainly not a negative point that the catchment high school is good.

Just say you're moving house and therefore will be choosing a different como due to convenience. It's not rocket science.

All the parents will know why we are moving. The new area is less convenient for public transport and less vibrant than where we currently live but it's known as being ridiculously middle class and for having great schools. But I can def spin a line about a bigger garden and being nearer family which my kid can repeat if required.

The place where you've all really got me thinking is moving schools for Y6. I was planning on hopefully moving younger DS, currently in year2, when the older one started secondary. I hadn't really considered moving my older son.

In other mumsnet threads people have often cautioned against moving a happy child. Older DS is very happy and has a lovely group of friends. I expect he would be very resistant but it may well avoid problems down the line. I will speak to the LEA about what is available to at least make an informed decision.

Where I live moving for secondary school is very much a thing, so round here you could just say "We really like X school so are moving to get a place there". Nobody would bat an eyelid. It's not about disliking other schools, but more about preferring a particular one for your child.

I had a slightly similar experience in that my DD was offered our catchment school and I went to appeal to get her into a better school. When I spoke about it to other parents who's DC (had no choice) would attend the school, I just said the other school would meet Dd's needs better rather than criticise the school. But in your situation I wouldn't mention the school as anything to do with moving.

If you have a younger DS then I would definitely try to move them both, ideally at the same time. In practice this isn’t always possible but your LEA will be able to advise best. You’ll be able to build relationships with parents in your younger DS year which will also likely help with your elder DS settling in.

Check the admittance for the secondary schools you want too. Where we live they have to have been in the feeder school from the Easter of year 5 otherwise they do t get in. Worth checking

Thanks. There's no official feeder schools where we live. This is one of reasons I'd originally thought against moving DS in Y5 as it's possible half the kids in the new primary would go on to different secondaries. The new area is more affluent and a proportion of people will go private despite the excellent comp. Their choice of course!

The place where you've all really got me thinking is moving schools for Y6. I was planning on hopefully moving younger DS, currently in year2, when the older one started secondary. I hadn't really considered moving my older son

Everyone told me to move ds1 when we moved. Everyone. Family, friends, mumsnet. He, being 10, begged to stay at his existing school for Y6 and we unfortunately listened.

We didn't move him and instead ferried him back and forth in Y6 then he started comp alone. It's honestly one of the biggest regrets I have in my life (sounds dramatic but true). He struggled so much to fit in. Hated that everyone in his form knew at least some people and therefore grouped together and he knew no one. Really, really struggled until Y9.

He's now in Y11 and it's all worked out fine, he's found his crowd and has a good social life. But he's kept the memory of Y7 and Y8 and openly says he wishes he'd moved in Y6.

Ds2, who we DID move in Y6...he was awfully upset at the move initially. He was then thanking us for moving him before the Christmas holidays of Y6.

Thank you. I do appreciate the opinions even if they're not what I want to hear. DS is so excited about a lot of the Y6 traditions he's seen at his current school - particularly the residential. BUT none of that is worth years of misery after.

On other boards there is a lot of chat about all the friendship groups resetting at year 7 but I imagine people do stick to those they know in the first few weeks/months/longer.

Not quite what you asked, I know, but in my experience it's rare for primary school friendships to outlive the move to secondary - even the same secondary - by much more than a year or so anyway. It's incredible how children find new friendship groups when they move up - mine stay in touch via on-line chats with a couple of primary friends but the ones they moved up with they hardly see now (they are 14 and 17), though of course are on friendly terms. So just zoning in on that aspect of your question, don't worry, and good luck with the move x

I'd keep him where he's happy in primary school and wait for year 7 to leave his friends. It will be hard to establish a friendship group in year 6 and then have to do it again in year 7. Moving school is a big thing so to do it an extra time when he's happy seems a shame.

As a year 7 form tutor, I found that most kids drifted away from their friends from primary school in the first term- as they found 'their tribe' in the bigger pond. I'd rather make friends in year 7 where everything is up in the air than try to 'break into' established friendship groups that have been through primary school together.

He'll also have a better chance of keeping up a friendship long term with a best friend from primary if he finishes year 6 with them.