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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to broach personal hygiene to friend?

84 replies

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 06:49

A group of us have a friend who has had some serious issues over the last 20 years which have resulted in some mental health issues. This lady is mid 40's and has a lot of pets. Unfortunately they keep breeding and toilet all over the house, including on her clothes. It has reached a point, has been for several years, where you can smell her before you can see her. Our friendship group seem to be "too nice" in that no one has directly mentioned it. However we were out and a passerby said loudly "OMG what is that terrible SMELL?" as they went past her, which she seems to have heard. She did ask the group directly but none of us fessed up and was honest, making excuses like "oh I have a cold at the moment" or blatantly lying. I really don't know what to do for the best and whether talking to the group about taking some sort of action is the best way forward. We've just let her get on with her own thing and not wanted to sound rude in the past but the direct questioning of it made me realise that she doesn't actually know, which I think we all assumed she did and it was a choice. She fell out with a friend recently by arguing that she washes and does self-care "just for men" and became very judgemental, to the point the friend now won't speak to her. I don't want to approach this in the wrong way. She has access to hot water, mum lives nearby, friends offer facilities. Is she just happy doing her own thing or should we be doing more as friends?

OP posts:

Sofabum · 21/01/2024 06:53

If it's animal urine then it'll be her clothes. If it were me I'd pretend this is a new thing and say one of her jackets really smells (so it's about the jacket not her so it's not as painful) look up together what might clean it (the enzyme pet stuff is what you need) and then buy her some. If she doesn't use it then you've done your best.

Sofabum · 21/01/2024 06:55

In a "omg that jacket smells weird SNIFF yep sorry it smells of dog wee....you know what you need, that pet enzyme wash stuff, I'll get you some...NO trust me it's the best I'll get you some, now what shall we get to drink or do you want to ditch the smelly jacket first?"

IAmAnIdiot123 · 21/01/2024 06:55

If it'd been that long, she's gone nose blind and has no idea she smells. Be kind, tell her!

Literallyshakingrn · 21/01/2024 06:59

Just tell her that livig with all the pets and not keeping the dirt down is in fact making her smell. That comment would not have been the first, don't let the poor woman suffer in ignorance. It sounds like her house is also a biohazard.

Throwhandsupintheair · 21/01/2024 07:14

I actually don’t think it is nice to be ‘too nice’. You have to tell her. She’s become nose blind, but if you’re a true friend, you will let her know. If she ignores or argues then you’ve done what you can. But it’s not kind to let a friend be bullied by strangers without trying to help.

I’ve got a couple of friends who are ‘too nice’, in that I’ve seen them tell a mutual friend she looked fine when she asked, when she clearly didn’t. She’d put on loads of weight through binge eating , and had grown a small beard, so was clearly suffering from a hormonal issue.

I told her (discreetly), that her appearance had changed, to go GP and get hair removal done. I would not have pretended she looked good so she could carry on deluding herself and be ridiculed on the street. I don’t ask those friends their opinion on how I look as I don’t trust them to tell the truth.

If your friend has something sticking out of their teeth, eye boogies or their skirt hitched in to their knickers, you tell them. If they’re covered in dog hair and smell of cats piss, you tell them.

Zanatdy · 21/01/2024 07:15

I had a friend like this. We were quite close but I never said anything, it was animal and poverty related

Hillrunning · 21/01/2024 07:26

D9nt kid yourslef, none of you are being nice, you are saving yourselves awkwardness and embarrassment.

I'd talk to her one on one and focus on cleanliness of clothing. Offer direct help with cleaning the house too.

Folklore9074 · 21/01/2024 07:29

It’s hard but you’d be doing her a kindness to tell her. Perhaps if you can offer to help her get sorted, sounds like a professional clean and rehousing some of those pets is in order.

Furrydogmum · 21/01/2024 07:31

Keeping animals in poor conditions is cruelty, and your friend needs professional support with her mental health - not just telling she smells of animal urine.

AhhhThereWeAreThen · 21/01/2024 07:32

A true friend would find a way to gently tell her and work with her to find a solution, not leave her this way for so long.

SparkleyMud · 21/01/2024 07:35

I don't think you need to approach this as a group, I can't see how that would go well. That would make her feel like you've all been talking behind her back.

I think it's best just to mention it one to one. If you say it in a matter of fact way then she's mess likely to feel embarrassed if you approach it all top toey and awkward your feelings are going to run off on her and give her reason to feel embarrassed.

Good advice above has been given about saying that it's a particular clothing that smells as that will be less personal.

Somethingintheloft · 21/01/2024 07:38

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. But not actually cruel if you see what I mean. Talk to her kindly and explain that you noticed her clothes smelling of animal urine etc and wandered if she would like some enzyme treatment and bring some with you!

Ask her if everything is OK in calm and safe environment. Maybe she just needs a friend

DancefloorAcrobatics · 21/01/2024 07:45

Just pull her aside next tim you see her and tell her you & the others have noticed her coat/ clothes smell a bit.... but than I am quite direct.

I once had to pull someone at work up on their personal hygiene. Not a great conversion at all.
But, it turns out that person was in a house share with limited access to washing machine.... a chat with good solutions turned it round within 24 hours. (Have to say this person was ony 18 and had very little 'adult support' outside work.)

wonkywardrobes · 21/01/2024 08:04

You mentioned that she'd asked you but you all just pretended you had a cold etc...I think she's actually given you the perfect opening line.

If she's asked she must be secretly thinking about it, so perhaps you could go round and say gently that you're all desperate not to hurt her feelings which is why the other day when she asked, you bluffed. But now you've thought about it, as a friend you care for her and feel you need to tell her.

At that point you could give her the choice and say you know it's a very sensitive, private matter and you're happy to continue talking with her about it, giving some examples but if she doesn't want to talk about it, you're happy to leave the conversation there. That way you've given her the option.

Does she work? I would assume if she works, this would be a problem in her job too? Ultimately you want to spare her the pain of more people saying cruel things.

JMSA · 21/01/2024 08:06

Cruel to be kind ... you've got to tell her.

Moonshine5 · 21/01/2024 08:06

You mind your business. She is your friend and entitled to live her life how she wants. We shouldn't inflict our views on others. Is she a danger to herself or others? No. It's just a smell. Is she a good person?

JMSA · 21/01/2024 08:07

But not as a group ... one designated person.

Kittylala · 21/01/2024 08:09

Lodevis too short for this nonsense. Move on and let herself work it out.

Original poster

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 08:10

The problems are animal related and she has had RSCPA called on her before. She is getting mental health support and it is poverty related. The problem with telling her directly is that when the other friend who she now doesn't talk to used to try to help her she has turned on her. Now it feels as though she is happy being as she is (there was a whole discussion about "not giving a fuck" and she openly despises people who wear make-up). The animals pee on her bag, for example, which she knows so now only uses cloth bags so she can wash them. So she is aware to a point but none of us know where the line of personal choice ends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 08:16

@Moonshine5 exactly and this is why none of us have bought it up. She is educated and doesn't seem to care what other people think which is why we all have given up suggesting things.

She has a lot of self confidence, despite all of this and is certainly not a danger to herself. It was just a stark realisation that she can't smell what we can, which can be quite eye-watering and the directness made some of us question why we don't feel able to be honest.

OP posts:

Moonshine5 · 21/01/2024 08:18

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 08:16

@Moonshine5 exactly and this is why none of us have bought it up. She is educated and doesn't seem to care what other people think which is why we all have given up suggesting things.

Maybe she can smell it but does not have the same reaction as you show. Thinks it's ok.

JMSA · 21/01/2024 08:20

I think you need to stop pussyfooting around. If she's vocal about hating people who wear make-up 🙄, then she's surely able to hear that she fucking stinks.

If she turns her back on you then that's on her. To be honest, she sounds like a pain in the arse to me.

Original poster

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 08:21

@Moonshine5 but does that make it OK? When strangers comment it can't be nice to know other people smell it a lot more?

OP posts:

Moonshine5 · 21/01/2024 08:22

But it's her life and we are allowed agency.

Original poster

Advicetohelp · 21/01/2024 08:22

@JMSA that's how the friend who used to help out a lot feels. She can certainly be judgemental of others but doesn't like the same back. I suppose that is why none of us feel comfortable bringing it up.

OP posts:

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