How to broach personal hygiene to friend?

[Advicetohelp]

A group of us have a friend who has had some serious issues over the last 20 years which have resulted in some mental health issues. This lady is mid 40's and has a lot of pets. Unfortunately they keep breeding and toilet all over the house, including on her clothes. It has reached a point, has been for several years, where you can smell her before you can see her. Our friendship group seem to be "too nice" in that no one has directly mentioned it. However we were out and a passerby said loudly "OMG what is that terrible SMELL?" as they went past her, which she seems to have heard. She did ask the group directly but none of us fessed up and was honest, making excuses like "oh I have a cold at the moment" or blatantly lying. I really don't know what to do for the best and whether talking to the group about taking some sort of action is the best way forward. We've just let her get on with her own thing and not wanted to sound rude in the past but the direct questioning of it made me realise that she doesn't actually know, which I think we all assumed she did and it was a choice. She fell out with a friend recently by arguing that she washes and does self-care "just for men" and became very judgemental, to the point the friend now won't speak to her. I don't want to approach this in the wrong way. She has access to hot water, mum lives nearby, friends offer facilities. Is she just happy doing her own thing or should we be doing more as friends?

Your friend is a mentally ill animal hoarder who lives in squalor. People who live like that are completely in denial about the state of their home, their pets and themselves. She needs professional help.

I don’t think you all pretending she doesn’t smell, and acting like her animal breeding/living conditions aren’t an issue, is actually helping her.

If she had a go at someone for being clean and well-presented and accused her of doing it for men, then I also don’t think she is a particularly nice person.

Ultimately, you are not her therapist or her social worker and you are not equipped to deal with your friend’s issues. They’re serious mental health problems. I think you need to be honest with her but you need to encourage her to seek professional help. You can’t fix her problems; they’re too serious.

@Justanything86 yes, I think it does all get on top of her and the house is so bad it's a vicious cycle. The friend she doesn't talk to used to do tip runs/clear out rooms/give her cleaning products and cleaned her kitchen but she didn't work and had the time. Even after all of that it continued as she doesn't seem to want to keep on top of it so it never seems to end.

She honestly does seem to be self-neglecting but saying it's because she is bucking the trend and not following like a sheep. If someone has decided self care is vanity it's a hard one to explain that other people are having to lie about her lack of it's it's affect on them. As the poster at the start of the thread says she would say "It's just a smell!" and shrug. It's not untrue.

@ManateeFair yes, she is being helped via multiple agencies. They've been aware of her situation for years though and nothing very practical seems to be being done to help her housing or mental health.

"personal" hygiene is confusingly named as actually it is something we should do for the benefit of others. This is not an issue for her. It's actually an issue for YOU, because it has an unpleasant impact on you (affecting you when you're trying to have a meal together etc). Therefore you have every right to raise it!

out of interest

does no one in your friendship group ever wear make up

To be honest I’m surprised she still has friends if she’s unpleasant to be around by being super judgemental

It's never going to be that well received even though the animals are probably the cause, just try to find a place where it is not in other's hearing.

But does that matter if she did? You all have each other. She’ll be the loser not you. A real friend doesn’t keep friends by implied threats (if you say I smell, I’ll drop you like a hot potato).

Say it in a calm, objective way. Don’t offer sympathy, don’t offer help. Just use her recent question about the stranger to raise the topic, ideally with the backing of one or more friends. It’ll be easier if you all do it. What will she do? Drop you all? I doubt there’s a big queue of people wanting to be friends with someone who knowingly and avoidably smells of urine and worse. It almost seems like a dominance thing, like she’s daring you to mention it and keeping you in line.

Did you mention it @Advicetohelp ?