To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

I feel for you OP I've just discovered I was excluded from a family gathering on New Year's Day by my own Mother even though they knew I'd be on my own Time to demand answers and read the riot act to your mother about the treatment of her grandchild Your family should be making adjustments to include your son not excluding you as a family

Honestly I'd be fucking crushed, not sure I'd even be able to address with her or any of the organizers w/o losing my shit.

The best thing would have been for organizer to contact you, explain the event and ask if you and possibly your son can attend for a shorter time, prob earl before things get into full swing. If not that then let's set up a date we can all get together more casually, 'you tell us' kind of thing.

But just outright omitting you and your son is so hurtful. I'm so sorry.

I'd like to ask how would you frame a conversation about this?
I feel like if I had to I'd make things worse by getting angry so how would one phrase a conversation about it w/o getting angry and more importantly, the organizer not getting defensive.

The goal being to be heard and ensure future inclusion. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just have a hard time imagining this conversation going well so wonder how it would be framed/phrased? ty

I think I'd have to say it to my mother.

Say to her "mum when I spoke to you after your party you said it was great and "everyone was there" But I wasn't there. I wasn't invited and I didn't know about the party. Just like I wasn't invited to your 50th party - although at least I was told about that one. I find this very hurtful. Especially that you didn't seem to even notice that I wasn't there. It seems to me that my son is too much for the family and no one wants me around if he is part of my family. This is quite devastating for me as a mother - and as a daughter"

Then wait and see what she says.

I'd have a similar conversation with my sister. Is she your stepdad's daughter?

If your son is truly unable to be in a social setting without changing it utterly into something much more difficult for everyone involved - fine - they should say it to you straight. "We'd love you to come and we'd love ds too but, honestly, given the restaurant and the people, I think it might be too much for him. could you come for half an hour or come by yourself?" even that is a bit off to me but it is better than being excluded.

Your stepdad does not sound like a nice man tbh.

So sorry to hear this. I would quietly reach out to your sister and tell her (maybe in a message) that you feel terribly hurt by what happened and ostracised by those close to you. Ask her how she would feel if in the same position as you. Good luck.

YANBU at all. What a bunch of jerks, by varying degrees. Please don't make excuses for them. So much of your post is making excuses for them when they've not even explained or apologised or even recognised they did anything hurtful. They may or may not have had justifiable reasons but don't do the work for them: make them explain and then you can choose whether or not you're OK with that. It's concerning that you feel like you can't even talk to them because they will snap at you. It's not usual to be fearful of talking to loved ones. They should want to know when they've upset you and want to listen so that you can work it out together. You deserve better.

They should all be ashamed of themselves sweety. Your son is their grandson/nephew and you both belong to your family and should be part of everything that happens.
I don't understand how they could do this behind your back and really do think you should address this, both with your stepdad and sister.

Wow that’s so sad I am so sorry!! They’re your family, surely they should accept your son and treat you the same regardless. I’d ask why you weren’t invited then express how sad you are about that.

Well Jom I think we have different starting points- I wouldn't start with the attitude that I was making anything worse.

So wouldn't you just ask why weren't we invited? On the off chance that there was some kind of sensible as yet unknown reason.

And then failing any reasonable answer I'd spell out how their actions made me feel.

How they react to that is not within my gift - nor would I work to manage them.

I like a quiet life and am not a tiger parent or whatever, indeed I roll over on sorts of crap, but this would prompt a response.

I don’t buy this. If your child couldn’t manage a whole meal you could plan to come for mains or puddings only. But it is up to you to manage- not their wider family. This is just cruel

Disgusting behaviour. I think you need to call it out.

This is terrible behaviour from your family
I would be so hurt

Think it needs to be addressed and soon so at least you can tell them how you feel x

You haven't said anything for fear they will snap at you? If you don't make a stand against this awful behaviour now then nothing will change. Your stepfather doesn't sound nice but he is being enabled by your mother and sister. You may as well say how unacceptable this is as they are happy to treat you badly and show no regard for you and your own little family anyway.
I am so sorry for you, this is dreadful.

That is shit, and I wouldn't be able to leave it. You are aware of what your son can and can't cope with, and would have left when he got overwhelmed . To be permanently excluded from family events is shitty behaviour and I'd have a discussion with your mum and the step dad- ultimately it's him that's excluded you the last 2 years.

Hi,i just wanted to reply as i am a grandparent who is similar age to ur mum and i have a grandson who is similar to ur son. I wouldnt dream of ever excludin him and i also support my daughter and her husband by makin them go for date nites as they also need to remember they r not just a parent/ carer they r also a couple. Im sorry u dont get the same support fro urs.xx

I would tell them both how hurt you were not to be included in the invitation to your own mothers party. Stepfather could have invited you and in not doing so he took away your choice whether to attend or not.
You know your son better than anyone and feel that any decision regarding ds attendance to any gathering is up to you and not them.
You could have arranged a baby sitter, dh could have stayed home with your son and you went on your own. Or the three of you could have gone for an hour or as long as dc was comfortable. Like it or not he’s here to stay and you won’t allow him to be hidden away or excluded.
If they snap at you stay calm and repeat what you’ve said. You are advocating for your son.
They snap because they don’t like to be challenged.

What an awful thing to happen!! I understand you being upset and feeling left out. There was no need for any of that behaviour from any of your family members. Even being invited for you to decline is better than being deliberately left out!! Makes it worse that it seems to be because of your son. Like you say, you could have easily just gone for an hour and then left. I have a child on the spectrum and know how difficult it can be. But also allowing them to experience things, such as a meal out or a party, even for just a short while, helps them to grow their social skills. I would have to say something, to all of them, especially your sister and your Mum. When your son gets older, he will pick up on being left out and also on how you're feeling. That isn't going to help his self esteem! Family should be inclusive!! He is part of the family!
If they snap at you, let them. They are only snapping because they know what they are doing is wrong and you are pulling them up on it. Guilty conscious and then try and make out that you're the one with the problem.
I really hope that you have friends around you for support too. x

That's shocking

OP said she hadn't been told about the party nor invited. What reason could ever be acceptable for this treatment?

Oh op I'm so sorry, how hurtful. Maybe when it's less raw speak to your sister.

I think that is horrible to exclude you. I assume your younger sister and brother are stepsister/brother who live with your mum and stepdad so naturally they would be there? I wonder if it is because it was an evening thing and you have a young child and not necessarily because he is autistic if he is normally happy and sociable. If it was because he was autistic that is awful. We have an autistic 5 year old DGD and no way would we not include my younger daughter and her family although we know in our case our DGD would hate an occasion like that. We either make adjustments or my DD or her husband would come on their own with our older DGD. They excluded your whole family without even seeing if you thought your son could cope with it. That is so hurtful.

I would pull back from them. They should have told you so you could pop in or let you know anyway.
I can’t believe people can be so cruel

Wonder if your Mum got drunk as really did want you with your family to be there. It is very hurtful behaviour. Is clear you love your son. Wonder if worth offering programmes they could watch re I player Chris Peckham on autism. Or books literature so they can all understand your son more. Your son has strengths which could help them develop. 1 quality none of them have shown is empathy. A quality people on Asd spectrum also may show. Suggest you speak individually to each on neutral terriority. Life is hard enough and you deserve support and understanding from your family

So what are you going to do OP?

Oh wow, what a shower of absolute shite? Are they always this shitty?