To be upset nobody invited us to mum’s surprise party

[Ncparentss]

It was my mum’s 51st birthday on Monday. We gave her presents from ourselves and our little boy, really nice personal gifts that we put a lot of thought into. They’d just returned from a holiday so said they weren’t doing anything big for it.

On Tuesday, I FaceTimed her at 10pm and she picked up and looked a bit drunk, so I asked her if she had been drinking. He said she’d just got home from the pub as my step dad had arranged a surprise party for her with my sister and her fiancé (who I am very close to). She said it was amazing and ‘everyone was there’ and food had been prepared and everyone bought gifts etc. My little sister and brother (17 & 12) were also there.

Nobody had mentioned a thing to me or invited us.

My son is autistic and I’m guessing they didn’t invite us because of this (?). Last year for my mum’s 50th my step dad arranged a big surprise meal for her, again with my sister and her fiancé there. They told us they weren’t inviting us because DS would probably not be able to sit still for very long and ‘wasn’t the best environment for him’. I again was hurt by this a bit, but knew DS wouldn’t sit through a meal (it’s a struggle just us) so I understood. And at least they told me about it before it happened.

But I hadn’t even told about this, everyone was involved and invited and made a lot of effort with buffet prepared etc, and there were kids there. I would have liked to have popped in even just for an hour with DS to celebrate with them.

I haven’t said anything to them because I know they will snap at me, but I do feel upset and am
most hurt by my sister who I thought was also one of my closest friends.

Also, so I don’t drip feed, my DS is nearly 4, non-verbal, autistic with developmental delay. But he is incredibly smart and very happy and sociable. He would have been fine for an hour or so and if he wasn’t, we would have left. If he ‘wasn’t coping’ we would of course remove him from the situation and go home.

AIBU?

I would of been furious . Disability discrimination is not ok especially from family members.

That’s so hurtful. You YANBU. Maybe you need to speak to your mum and tell her what you have said here.

There was another thread about autism over the weekend that I spent ages replying to, then the thread was pulled. Previously banned poster.
It's so annoying, as the mother of an autistic child, when people ask for advice then don't return.

I wonder when you would have found out had you not phoned that night?😡

That’s just not on, sorry. You have every right to be pissed off.
Are they always that dysfunctional? Cause that’s a pretty major fuck up on their part.
They need to wake up, your son IS part of their family too.
It’s not something it would ever occur to me, leaving a grandchild out because of whatever.

I'm so sorry you were treated like that! Not fair to second guess whether you would have coped with your son...you should have been asked! Your son needs to be given the chance to be with his family even if its briefly, and they need to know how hurt you are.

I wouldn’t care about being snapped at. You have to bring this up and if I were you, I would go bananas. You weren’t even given a thought. Sounds pretty toxic to me and I’d rather ditch the bloody lot of them and leave them out of my life going forward. How many times are you willing to let them treat you and your family like this and be a doormat?

Personally i think its unreasonable for ANY 4 year old to be in the pub with a load of pissed people on a Tuesday night so not inviting a very young child isnt unreasonable.
However you and DH are adults, they could have invited you both and given you the option to go or not.
Has it neen a malicious exclusion or has your step-dad been a bit of a div and thought you'd not come so didn't ask? If its the latter, its still not right but can (hopefully) be sorted with a conversation.
Are your mum and sister aware that you weren't invited? Or did they think/assumed you were and declined?

Also who has a surprise party for a) a 51st and b) on a Tuesday?!? Very odd behaviour!

Shocking behaviour from your whole family.

YANBU. That's very hurtful. You need to have a sit down chat with them about this.

I’m so sorry they treated you like that. I would be heartbroken. I think you’re going to need to sit down with your step dad and sister and tell them exactly how it made you feel, and how you can’t understand how they could exclude you in that way. They could have discussed it with you. And make sure your mum knows that you knew nothing about it and would have wanted to be there.

Don’t let this go because they will continue to do it and you’ll just resent them anyway. It’s so so mean of them and can’t believe they just expect you to suck it up!

6 yrs ago, I took my husband's ex to a day procedure at hospital. (Her third partner had died and I felt sorry for her. My now late husband would have done it, but he'd had a stroke 5 yrs previously and and had had to give up his driving licence.)

Collected her from hospital, took her for lunch en route to her home. She told me that she was going on an 18th birthday trip with her daughter and granddaughter.

DH and I thought that it was a lovely 3 gen women only weekend.

When we saw the pics on FB, there was DH's ex, their daughter, their granddaughter, their son, the son's partner and the daughter's best friend.

That’s so shitty of them!

Yanbu. That is so hurtful! Sorry OP

Sounds like your stepdad, and maybe others, have low tolerance for your child’s behavior. What you might try is taking your child to visit, and when his behavior becomes a bit much, say “looks like DS has reached his limits for today” and take him home. Maybe your family will learn that DC will not be there throughout the entire event and will include you more often. Do you have a trusted caregiver? You could probably use some grown up time yourself.

Agree it's awful, still the right thing to invite you and let you decide what's best for your son. My son is also autistic but we've never been left out and would be very upset if we had! Can't understand it and I'm sorry. Xxx

YANBU. Very insensitive. You could have gone yourself for an hour or two and left your son with your fiancé. Not nice

Bloody awful behaviour. I have an autistic son too, and friends and family have always included him. It's not their place to state whether your son will cope, that's your decision. I would be really hurt and upset by this behaviour.

You have every right to be upset. I can’t imagine my mum or my sis doing this to me. My mum would definitely have questioned it and so would my sister. Even if they felt I could not attend they would have definitely told me about it. If I was you I would voice my sadness and disappointment at being left out. Big hugs to you.

Absolutely no way are you being unreasonable!!! I don’t even know where to start! Firstly they all sound awful, secondly, your last paragraph sounds like you are trying to defend and ‘explain’ your little ones additional needs which you should never ever do for anyone. They have been really unfair and I would be so so upset if this was me in this situation. So much as to probably end up having a huge fall out. You deserve better than to be treated like that by your own family- I’d take a step back- and if they say anything be honest.. tell them you are hurt. Bless you!

To those saying “a party at a pub is no place for a 4 year old..” - what kind of people organise a family party that doesn’t meet the needs of all family??? If I held a party for my mum that meant one of her children and grandchildren couldn’t go, it’s not a family party, is it?
Whose needs was this party supposed to be meeting? As this is the second time he’s done this, I’m looking at you, stepfather… Once MAY have been carelessness, at a push. Twice? No.
The fact OP gets shouted down when she is talking about her needs is speaking volumes. I’d be reconsidering my options with these AHs. Their treatment of you has been normalised, OP. Having paid my own dues as the family black sheep/scapegoat, I understand it’s desperately painful.
Sending lots of love. Be kind to yourself X

How awful! What sort of family care that Their grandson/nephew is autistic, enough to exclude him from a family party?! My nephew is 4, non verbal and autistic and I couldn't give a monkeys what his behaviour is like, we love him regardless and as long as he is having fun, that's all that matters.

OP I'm sure your little bambino would have been the life and soul of the party, they missed out too!

Horrible behaviour. I hope you’re ok. I personally would tell them exactly what I think of them and they’d have to move mountains to resume any sort of friendship, including your mum. Families don’t treat each other like that. So sorry for your experience x

That is absolutely terrible, you're not unreasonable at all. Even if your partner took care of your son so that you could go? Bizarre not to include you at all!