To urge you to show kindness (TW suicide)

[Gottobeme]

My boss saved my life yesterday, and he doesn't even know it.

I have been a walking red flag for my mental health for weeks, triggered by a minor event, which, however, came after a series of major ones. I have told so many people in my life I'm struggling and everyone made the right noises, but no one showed any sort of care or consideration. Until yesterday.

I missed a day of work last week and my big boss finally caught up with me. He is exceptionally skilled in asking the right questions, and while I did not talk about what caused all this, he was concerned enough to go and get me any help he could straight after our meeting, found me to see people to talk to straight away. And while it may have been part of his job, he also did a lot of things he did not need to do (like give me his private number to contact him any time).

With that, he saved my life. I wasn't going to make it through the weekend, but the fact that there was one human out there who not only listened properly, but also sprung into action, made all the difference in the world.

If you see someone struggling, don't dismiss it. You likely don't know the full extent. Do what you can to help. He did; I am in his debt for this, and I can now face the coming weeks until I get better.

I know I am not unreasonable. This is merely a plea.

If this is true, I'm really glad someone was there for you, and were able to guide you. Additionally, it's great services were accessible for you, and so quickly.

However, someone of us have been that person, many times, yet our loved ones still ended their lives. It's disingenuous to think otherwise.

I'm sorry you've been through this. But just because it doesn't work all the time that doesn't mean you should give up doing your utmost to help. Because it does make a difference, probably more often than you think.

I have an openly suicidal colleague. One day he may follow through. In the meantime, he gets our support.
That doesn't cheapen the help I got, even if it won't be fully visible because I won't admit that this is how close I've come. It won't work all the time, but you never know just how big an impact you can have.

Your boss was in a position to help you which is great. Not everybody is always in a position to help others, and that’s okay. You don’t know what’s going on in the lives of the other people who ‘made the right noises’ but you feel didn’t show enough care/ consideration. You can’t expect everyone to drop everything to help you; how much help are you offering them? Yes, people should be kind, but kindness doesn’t have to extend to action if people aren’t in that position to help. It’s important to be kind to yourself too and sometimes that means recognising you can’t do anything for somebody else.

No goadiness. Just a view from an angle not often seen.

What have I done? I am offering help to everyone around me, always have done. I am there for my colleague who struggles, have offered help and followed up with others in my life who I knew were struggling. I have been on the phone to people for hours, have sought them out, have made it very clear I am there.

No one needs to drop everything. My big boss didn't. But he took half an hour to make a few calls, talk to a few people and suddenly things were in motion and I had a safety net I didn't know even existed.

I didn't expect everyone to help. But out of 15 or so people who knew? Statistically speaking, most would have been fine in their lives, just didn't care enough. Kindness goes a long way.

I'm so glad your boss was able to give you the support you needed, OP, he sounds like a great human being. I'm really glad you are feeling in a better place and I hope things continue to move forward in the right direction.

I think people posting on this thread should bear in mind that the OP was feeling actively suicidal yesterday and perhaps restrain from anything that could be interpreted as criticism.

It sounds like you are going above and beyond, maybe that helps your mental health to offer help and be on the phone for hours etc. The way I look after my own mental health is to look out for myself first. I don’t spend hours listening to other people on the phone, that would drain me and whilst it might help someone else it would ultimately ruin my own mental health. I put myself first. It’s not that I don’t care, but I struggle with my own issues and so I don’t have the energy to be seeking out help for someone else, making calls, talking to people etc. It’s great your boss did that for you but you can’t expect everybody to be in that position.

I think what you are suggesting people should give is far more than kindness, you’re asking people to put their time and energy into others and sort other peoples lives out. It takes all of my time and energy to look after myself, I really am not in a position to do the same for colleagues, that doesn’t mean I’m not treating them with kindness though! I’m kind to people, doesn’t mean I have to put them ahead of myself.

I'm glad your boss was there to help x

OP - you seem to be getting a lot of stick here from people who are reading into your post more than I can see in it. I read your post as saying that doing what you can to help someone goes a long way - further than they might see. I don't think OP is asking anyone to put their own mental health on the line to help someone else, just to be mindful that people who appear to be coping might not be, and that small actions can make big differences.

OP - Im really glad you are doing OK. You are valuable and I'm glad you're still here.

I hope you have found the right people to help you

@Throckmorton Thank you, you put it more succinctly than I could have.

Having been in a similar position and a work colleague going out of his way to help me, I am really glad to read this. It meant everything to me and sounds like it did to you.
I hope things continue to improve for you x

Hi OP, I can completely understand how you feel. I had a similar situation 3 years ago, I was in a call with HR asking for employee assistance sessions to continue, I’d already called my GP and asked for help and was told tough there’s a wait list. I hadn’t opened up to any of my family, and on the outside I seemed fine, but I was anything but.

That HR person realised I needed serious help more than I did, and got me help just like your boss. I don’t even know their name, but that changed my life. I’m so glad they could see what I, and others around me could not.

Take care O, im so pleased your boss is getting you the support you need xxx

That's great that your boss helped you, and he sounds amazing.

For me personally I am stretched so thin and clinging onto my own sanity by my fingernails. Work is something I do to pay my bills and I don't have anything left to give to colleagues who are depressed. Everyone seems down and depressed at the moment. Yes of course I will be kind to everyone I work with but I certainly don't have any energy to listen to their problems or try to find them services that are very visibly advertised for anyone who needs them.

I'm glad you're ok and getting help OP, and it's a good reminder.

For those who are whinging about having to help other people - you don't have to dive right in, you can signpost or get someone else to help if you don't have capacity. The point is that not walking on by can make all the difference.

I think one of the things people overlook is how helpful it can be to keep doing the normal human relationship/nice stuff, whilst knowing someone's having a shit time.

People seem to want to solve other's problems, then when there's no easy solution they retreat. But actually what can be really helpful is just someone knowing what difficulties you're dealing with (so you don't feel so alone or like you're having to keep up an act), whilst carrying on with normal meet ups, perhaps a little more often than usual.

Op I am glad someone was there. I get what you are saying.

But I also get the point of view of the people that are, disgruntled by your post.

Most people will try and help if they notice something is off. However, most people arenr trained for it. People fear they may say the wrong thing. People may have alot going in their own lives where they feel they can't take anymore on.

I ended my relationship with my dp when he was suicidal. I had helped for years. I an grieving my mum as well. I didn't have it in me to give him anything after his last attempt. I have my kids (older), my job, my Dad, my own grief and my own home to look after. There's literally only so kuchen of myslef I can give. I can't continue to give him the kindness he needs without damaging myself. He wont tackle his depression. Wont take meds, wont engage in therapy. He only wants to sit and talk to me for hours. Everyday i sat and stared at my ohone qonderinf wether i wokld get a message from him or a call from the police or his family saying he was dead. I need to be kind to myself too.

I also have a friend and colleague who is in the same place you are. Again, won't engage with help or therapy. I can't describe how draining it it. It's awful for her. But not easy for those she wants support from.

Some people have done all they can and their loved ones have still committed suicide. So the suggestion is that it just takes a bit of kindness is incorrect. And could be taken as 'you weren't kind enough' or 'you did it wrong. If you did it right you could have saved them'

Be kind is also a bit of a contentious issue on here because its often aimed at women and places responsibility.

As I said, I am glad someone was there and they made a difference. I am glad that person was there and ita helped. I am simply explaining why I think some people can be disgruntled by the post.

I'm glad he was able to help, op. What did he do to help, out of interest? I think a lot of people (myself included) will offer sympathy but don't know what else we can do.

Work and a cocklodger H made me extremely depressed.
People used to ask me how I was. For a while, I used to tell them. But they kind of zoned out.
Eventually I worked out what they really wanted me to say when they asked: "Fine, thanks."

So I'm a bit of a cynic - but so glad to hear your story, so very glad for you

I think most people are happy to lend an ear and offer kind words (I am) but there's only so far this can go when people have alot going on in their lives, like work, family and their own struggles.

Its great that your boss did what he did, but it doesn't mean that those other people don't care as much. I am stretched very thin most of the time, so I have to prioritise unfortunately.

I'm so glad you had help OP. I'm not sure what PPs are muttering about tbh.

I've made attempts before, in the past (I couldn't even get that right!). I'm under MH services. The following is to make you laugh and also to highlight what you said about being kind and aware of other people...

So, I live alone. I have physical as well as mental difficulties. My shower is over the bath, and many a time, I've tumbled out of it. Last night, I had a shower, did a comedy 'falling on ice' manoeuvre, legs went up, arse went down, grabbed the shower curtain on the way down, the rail fell and knocked my head. I lay in the bath on my back, naked, legs akimbo, rail on my head, a zebra butt on my face (my shower curtain design - whole zebras, not zebra butts!) and actually wondered if that was how I'd die. I would be found weeks later because someone might think, oh, not heard from Hat in a while, the police would knock down the door and I would be found in all my indignity.

It really made me think. I have a lot of friends who live alone and we should be more caring and be aware. After all, they are Friends! We should be kind and check in. Costs nothing but means the world.

Anyway, I must go and have another arnica tablet. My bruises are spectacular!

Keep safe OP. You are loved and you are very important to many people.

To the posters wanting to be disgruntled by the OP's post.. can't you FOR ONCE, just think OF someone else, before thinking of YOURSELF ?

Unless you were suicidal yesterday.

This isn't about you and your struggles. It's a boy her.

She's clearly in a vulnerable place and decided to post. How about just keeping that in mind.

It's about HER. Sorry for the typo.

Grow up everyone.

Well put! .

I would always, I hope, help someone I thought was struggling. It's a very complicated area though, and sometimes kindness is not near enough, or the type of help really needed.

I'm glad you received the help you needed and wish you well, OP. I understand why you posted.

I don't mean don't write about your own struggles with similar issues by the way.

I'm talking to the posters taking offence and being triggered by the OP's post.

It's not about you and how you don't have bandwidth and have your own problems or how you can be there and be kind and still they do it.

It's not about you,

OP, I agree with you. We need to do better. We just need to.

And the replies to your post prove it to me, once again.