To urge you to show kindness (TW suicide)

[Gottobeme]

My boss saved my life yesterday, and he doesn't even know it.

I have been a walking red flag for my mental health for weeks, triggered by a minor event, which, however, came after a series of major ones. I have told so many people in my life I'm struggling and everyone made the right noises, but no one showed any sort of care or consideration. Until yesterday.

I missed a day of work last week and my big boss finally caught up with me. He is exceptionally skilled in asking the right questions, and while I did not talk about what caused all this, he was concerned enough to go and get me any help he could straight after our meeting, found me to see people to talk to straight away. And while it may have been part of his job, he also did a lot of things he did not need to do (like give me his private number to contact him any time).

With that, he saved my life. I wasn't going to make it through the weekend, but the fact that there was one human out there who not only listened properly, but also sprung into action, made all the difference in the world.

If you see someone struggling, don't dismiss it. You likely don't know the full extent. Do what you can to help. He did; I am in his debt for this, and I can now face the coming weeks until I get better.

I know I am not unreasonable. This is merely a plea.

Typical MNers will literally jump on any post to be bitchy and sanctimonious. I'm glad you have such a nice boss, OP and I agree a little goes a long way. I was running an errand during my shift a few months ago in hospital and found a lady crying her eyes out in the middle of the main corridor. Everyone around her completely ignored it but I couldn't. I won't go into the help she required etc but I'm glad I stopped and helped her that day. Pp's are correct it doesn't always work, but it's always worth trying.

I'm glad you got the help you need and thst your boss was there to support you.

I think most people want to help, a lot of people just don't know how.

I know that when people are in a dark place it's often difficult for them to keep asking or to find the right person but if they do keep asking someone who is equipped to help will.

There's a short free online course on suicide prevention that I've done in the past that helps people understand how to help.

Glad your Boss was empathetic,and got you the help you needed. I wish you all the best OP .Unlike some posters on here. My god, what the hell is wrong with people!

I am glad the OP is ok and had support when she needed it.

I can’t speak for other posters but I read “If you see someone struggling, don't dismiss it. You likely don't know the full extent. Do what you can to help” as a touch judgemental and inducing guilt. None of us know the struggles of others, and as many people have said, we can appear to be ok but only holding on to our own sanity by our fingernails. So please don’t judge others for not helping as you do not know what they are dealing with themselves.

I do think that a lot of the reponses here ARE about guilt, but I don't judge people for it. I have been in situations where I haven't had the emotional capacity to help, but always found a kind way to say that while I can't do anything right now, I'd be there for them in x days/ weeks and here is what they can do in the meantime.

The poster who said that most people just want to hear "fine" in response to "how are you" has hit the nail on the head, I think. I told people I was unwell, many reacted as if I'd said "fine", some asked to reach out if I needed anything.

It wasn't the practical help my boss organised that made a difference. Most people wouldn't be able to pull the strings he did.

No, he shoved the paperwork we needed to do to the side, asked what was going on, whether I was safe, asked details about my support network, details about my plans for the weekend, details about things that bring me joy (without calling it that - like I said, he was skilled and I only realised afterwards how he steered the conversation towards positives). He shared little details of me he'd noticed and overheard from others. He listened.

The man is incredibly busy, has his own problems, many of his own worries. He took an hour out of his day - including the time in our meeting - to sit down with me and listen on a Friday afternoon. And that is what made the difference.

In my situation, I only needed one person to care.

I understand everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, and that many people have hidden struggles. And my post was to raise awareness to the latter. I know I've certainly renewed my inner vow to not walk past anyone I see in distress. I said in my post do what you can. For some, that may just be pointing people towards services. For many, it can be sitting down and lending an ear or just some time. Some can do more. Just don't ignore it.

Your boss sounds amazing and I’m so glad he helped you. I have really poor MH and have attempted to take my own life. I’m psychotic and depressed and have agoraphobia and anxiety. But I like to think that if somebody I knew appeared to be struggling, then I would help. Not least because I’m probably one of the best people to turn to because a) I get it and b) I know what resources are available. keep safe x

There’s a big difference between I have a lot going on in my life and oh he’s drowning not waving.

OP sometimes we have these simple encounters that can change your thinking just at the right time. Whether coincidence or design is irrelevant. I’m so glad you had your meeting at that time.

I missed my opportunity to see what was really happening to someone once many many years ago. I was exhausted and someone at a work event sat next to me and asked me if I was ok. I was and just said I’m tired. It should have been my cue to reciprocate but I was so tired that we had a silly brief irrelevant conversation and he left. Sadly he took his life the following day and there is barely a day goes by where I don’t think about how he was probably reaching out for someone to give him a reason not to and I failed to do so because I was caught up in my own exhaustion. It wouldn’t have taken much to find out how he was and to got someone else involved to help. I have to live with that

I’m so glad he was there to help you. I was suicidal last year and I had 2 amazing people who helped me through it

then just this week I ‘caught’ a colleague (I don’t know him very well) who was, let’s say ‘on the edge’. I recognised it immediately from the way he was speaking (frantic), acting and even breathing (which in my case was how I was - I appreciate not every one shows signs)

this man broke down and told me no one has ever done what I did (all I did was speak to him a couple of times over a couple of days and sent a couple of follow up texts to check in). I don’t know what the future holds for him but for right now his immediate suicidal thoughts have calmed down. Essentially, the kindness others showed me when I was at my lowest ensured that I would help others when faced with the same predicament .

of course not everyone has the bandwidth to do this but I expect most people would help if they can.

I must confess that in my youth, many decades ago, I may have put several people off helping.

I was so depressed that I would sit sobbing in public. Inevitably someone would come up to me and gently ask "Are you alright?"

To which I would screech "NO! I'M NOT ALRIGHT, ANYONE CAN SEE THAT!!".
And they would go away.

(I now think it was my frustration at my ADHD symptoms (inability to get started) which was the major cause of my depression. I have heard it said that depression can be anger turned inward, and I think there is something in that - I was actually angry at myself for not being able get myself going (postgrad).)

So probably that question might be one to avoid - or at least be prepared for an unexpected response, if one does begin with it.

To which I would screech "NO! I'M NOT ALRIGHT, ANYONE CAN SEE THAT!!".
And they would go away.

That bit is the one that stood out. As if, in that moment in time, either people got affronted or left out of fear. Perhaps the ability to put yourself aside for a moment, realise that maybe that wasn't the right conversation starter, but the person is clearly distressed is not as common as you'd have hoped.

It doesn't always have to be much. There is a much-discussed scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (showing my age here) where she is clearly at her wit's end and depressed, sits on her porch, head held in her hand. And a person who (cares about her but is, to her, not a friend) doesn't get much of a response as to what is going on in her head, but he proceeds to just sit beside her for a while. He is just there.

Even if you don't know what to say.

Of course, some people are worn out from doing the same thing over and over for chronically mentally ill people, but that is not what we're talking about here.

This..... whats wrong with people. Of course so.etimes people reach out and its ineffective noone is saying otherwise . The op is saying that in this instance he has actuvely saved her life ... kindness costs nothing and can mean everything!

Can I just say, you don't know how he saw the interaction. Clearly things were not OK for him, but maybe he liked being able to have a silly conversation with you, and maybe rather than failing him, you helped him by giving him that nice interaction. Maybe it was a nice thing that comforted him even though he knew he planned to end his life the next day. What I mean is, there are cases where no matter what others do, that person will end their life. You talked to him, you shared time with him, you were not rude, you did what was in your ability at that time to do. Hindsight says what if different things were done, but you can't know if doing something different would have changed anything. Please don't hold yourself accountable for what he did.

I’m really glad you didn’t go through with anything OP, and got some support. I have been there myself a few times.

Your boss sounds lovely. A former boss of mine, who I started working for when I was very young, has been so kind to me over the years and was there for me when I was in a terrible place.

I always try to be kind and pleasant to people I meet, even if they’re rude to me because you just don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. So often it’s the small things that break the camel’s back.

due to a very traumatic childhood and subsequent abusive relationships, i have tried to end things often self harm etc. anyway I am in a fairly stable place now and lucky enough to run my own shop now. lots of people in my area know my struggles and also know i have much compassion for people with struggles. i have many people who have become good friends to me but also people around here know i have always a sympathetic ear a warm shop to sit in and a coffee too. i am also lucky that someone who i used to look after their animals is now my best friend and is always there for me. if i sound down she will drop everything and rush to give me hugs and flowers.
finally, please dont always assume it is the person who is crying or down who needs help, often its the one who looks like they are trying a bit too hard saying they love you too often etc

Im genuinely glad you were seen by your boss.

I will agree with previous posters though, personally I’m stretch so thin myself I have little left to give others. I have a friend who is openly struggling yet refuses all help or even a listening ear (I get the impression most of their problems are financial, so unless all their bills can be paid a listening ear is not much help). People often say ‘be kind, you don’t know what others are going through’, this also applies to not always being able to help those who want to be noticed in their current struggles. There’s only so much ‘being kind’ can do without having an affect on your own welfare at times.

How great to hear a positive story. Kudos to him, and so glad for you that you got through such a tough time.

If you suspect the OP is a troll, the correct course of action is to report to admins. Not to accuse a user who says they were suicidal YESTERDAY of being goady.

In glad you got the help you needed.

If anyone else is feeling bad and needs someone to talk to, Samaritans are always there to listen. Ring 116 123

I didn't say OP was a troll. It's a fair deletion if that's what people think.

I read that post, where someone got another help literally the same day, which 'saved' them. That post also said for people to do all they could to help someone struggling.

It truly is amazing how someone could get help so quickly, that one person was able to immediately put all this in motion.

The problem is me, and I shouldn't have commented, because some of us have tried everything, have listened, approached all avenues of help (with nowhere near the quickness of response), and it still wasn't good enough. I took it the wrong way, in that some people don’t try hard enough/need to try harder.

I know that Buffy episode

I must say, I know many people who have had issues with their mental health, and the support we offer to each other is amazing. But sometimes people do decide to end it, even with that support. Those people are remembered and cherished, and we understand why they thought for that moment that they should do what they did, even as we mourn them.

It is, perhaps, easier to understand if you have experienced these kinds of states, albeit mildly. But, whether you have or not @Gottobeme is right about just sitting and being with someone, letting them be and accepting them as they are.

Most people are utterly self absorbed OP and it seems they're keen to tell you all about it and give you a hard time despite you feeling suicidal just yesterday - honestly if that's not self absorbed then I don't know what is.

Anyway I'm so glad your boss was able to be there for you and show he genuinely was worried about you - make sure you really take care of yourself and get all the help you can.

It's amazing how you immediately get people saying, we have other stuff going on in our lives we can't spend HOURS on the phone talking to xyz. And then proceed to whine about how busy they are / their issues.

Who said anything about having to spend HOURS on the phone. The OPs point is that a little bit of kindness goes a long way. And I think that's bang on.

Having recently been through a divorce it's really interesting to see which friends show up for you, yes some going out of their way and giving quite a lot of time, and some just doing what they can, being friendly and reaching out every now and again. And some run for the hills, terrified you are now looking to drain them and tear them away from their oh so busy lives...

like I said, he was skilled

I think that's key. He had the skill and the calm confidence to do what he did. And I'm very glad he did it.

I wish I had those skills. When my friend was suicidal, I tried, but I was clumsy and scared. And was very worried that I'd made things worse.

So it's about more than good intent, sadly. We can't expect everyone to have that sensitivity and ability to say the right thing in the right way. Your boss is great, and possibly exceptionally so.

Take care of yourself @Gottobeme and I hope you're soon in a much better place.

I've certainly had days where just a little bit of kindness, a passing comment in a shop, quick text to say hello, etc have made all the difference.

Sending a big hug, OP