To urge you to show kindness (TW suicide)

[Gottobeme]

My boss saved my life yesterday, and he doesn't even know it.

I have been a walking red flag for my mental health for weeks, triggered by a minor event, which, however, came after a series of major ones. I have told so many people in my life I'm struggling and everyone made the right noises, but no one showed any sort of care or consideration. Until yesterday.

I missed a day of work last week and my big boss finally caught up with me. He is exceptionally skilled in asking the right questions, and while I did not talk about what caused all this, he was concerned enough to go and get me any help he could straight after our meeting, found me to see people to talk to straight away. And while it may have been part of his job, he also did a lot of things he did not need to do (like give me his private number to contact him any time).

With that, he saved my life. I wasn't going to make it through the weekend, but the fact that there was one human out there who not only listened properly, but also sprung into action, made all the difference in the world.

If you see someone struggling, don't dismiss it. You likely don't know the full extent. Do what you can to help. He did; I am in his debt for this, and I can now face the coming weeks until I get better.

I know I am not unreasonable. This is merely a plea.

OP I'm really glad you have someone in your life who can give you the support you need. However, your post could be read to imply that somehow other people are entirely responsible for whether someone makes the decision to take their own life or not. This is a very hard message (and not correct) for people to read if they have lost someone to suicide. I have had periods in my life where I've have spent months dealing with suicidal ideation. Outwardly no one would have had a clue - I was running a family and excelling at my job. Now that i am well i can categorically say that if I had decided to follow through any of those thoughts there is not a single person in my life who could have stopped me. That's not to say we shouldn't look out for others but we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves and no one should ever feel like if they just cared more that would have stopped someone from taking their own life. It doesn't work like that.

The post can be read to imply that if you take it in an entirely self absorbed way.

What a fucking thoughtless comment - you clearly haven't ever dealt with suicidal thoughts. Yeah I'm so self absorbed i spent months thinking about hanging myself from the rafters in my garage. I'm sure everyone on this thread who has lost someone to suicide thanks you for your helpful contribution.

Your boss sounds brilliant because he was empathic, got you to open up and also took action.

I live in fear of one of my students doing something terrible, so I always say to them- whatever you need, academically or for support, come to me first and then together we'll work out what to do. I am probably not the right person to solve the problem, but we can work together to get more help.

This does depend on help being available, though, and that can be a huge limitation, although more recently I feel like my work has invested in helping students more with MH/emotional support so it works well to be the first port of call.

Hope your weekend is going ok now and that you continue to get the support you need all round.

Both of your comments are thoughtless in my opinion.

You also know nothing about me, so don't make assumptions.

I'm going to report this thread as it's not going in a helpful direction IMO.

I'm
Very glad he was there for you and hope I'm always there if someone needs me too. You take care and get well soon

I'd prefer it if this thread didn't get deleted. I think in many ways it is helpful.

It would be an utter shame if the arguments on here caused all the helpful comments to disappear.

For what it's worth, no, I didn't put blame on people.

It doesn't work like that.

Not for everyone, no. I have known a few suicidal people in my lifetime. Some couldn't be helped by anyone.

But many just needed to know they were not alone. Depression can leave you feeling utterly alone. To have just one person who shows kindness and consideration can make all the difference. One person who hasn't given up on you yet or who values you as more than just another face in the crowd.

My boss and I had a trivial conversation about shoes as part of our talk, because he noticed I liked mine a bit unusual. It was a tiny detail, but it made me realise that I was not just another faceless number.

No, it doesn't always work. But it does some of the time, and that makes it worth trying for.

Totally agree with you OP.

I work in MH and have heard this many times. Again, so glad you posted
@Gottobeme and hope that you are feeling a little more easy in yourself.

How do you know what that person has or has not experienced?

OP was suicidal YESTERDAY. Thoughtless is coming onto her thread where she talks about how supporting and offering genuine kindness to someone could be the thing that saves them (not that it always will) and reprimanding her because you've projected your own experience onto it and chosen to interpret it in a way that it clearly wasn't meant. Do you honestly think OP was saying that being kind to a suicidal person will always save them and that if you know someone who died by suicide you must not have been kind enough? You must have read a different OP to me if so.

I think you've both got a point here.

The Op is right in that if you see someone struggling then doing your best to help is the right thing to do, and I'm very glad for her that the right person was there at the right time to say the right things.

But also Reaching is right. It's not as simple as people realising someone is struggling and talking to them.
People don't necessarily show any signs to their loved ones. I think the night I planned on that, my family would have said I was unusually cheerful. I was. I didn't have to think about work the next day, or what was going to go wrong. I wasn't going to be there. For the first time for months I felt totally carefree.

And also sometimes you can say all the right things, and the person still doesn't see any way out, and sometimes there are no right things to say.

Sending hugs to both of you.

There is suicidal ideation. That's thinking about it. Just as an option, it gives a tiny feeling of choice, which can help the person take action to improve their life in some small way.

Then there is suicidal intention. IME, this is quite different.

There are also conditions where people act in ways they really don't want to because of internal voices which drive them to the edge with commands they don't want to follow, or because they are suffering from powerful delusions.

If you wish to preserve the thread, it could be moved to the MH Board, I suppose. But then you'd likely be preaching to the converted!

I'll end by saying that there is always, always hope.

@MargaretThursday AIUI when some very depressed people start on anti-depressants, it can increase their risk of suicide because they get just better enough to act on their thoughts But this risk very soon passes if the ADs are effective.

What a self-centred post, wow! 😮 "Sorry you're going to end your life but I'm busy" fuck me

I think the poster was talking about being at emotional capacity, rather than simply busy. And I believe I've already acknowledged that we can all reach that point, and there are ways to show care while not taking on any more to burden yourself.

There is a high chance my colleague has been exposed to one of his triggers for suicidal thoughts this weekend. I may not be able to take it all on myself, given the state I've been in, but I will be there for him within my limits. Check in more often, talk to him. Make him feel cared for.

What I'm struggling to believe is that every single one of the people I talked to actually was at the point of emotional capacity. And that is where awareness comes in. In hindsight, they probably would have wished to have done more if I had gone through. Many people have that internal interia, though, rather than being proactive.

Can it be changed? I hope that my post helps someone, somewhere, to check in with someone they know who struggles. Or stops when they see a person in distress. Because even doing something clumsily is better than doing nothing.

I'm glad you got a good boss who reached out to you and got you the support you need. X

That’s not what I said! Obviously if somebody said they were suicidal I would act, I have been actively suicidal in the past too and made attempts on my own life so I do understand what it’s like to be suicidal. However, I also understand not everybody is going to be able to dedicate time and support to help in that situation, especially if you haven’t actually disclosed how you’re feeling.

OP hasn’t disclosed she was suicidal to her boss and is suggesting everybody should ‘show kindness’ and go over and above to help everybody all the time because you never know which person is the suicidal one, I’m saying that’s unreasonable and personally I would be completely drained if I approached life like that. It takes a lot of time and energy to help a person going through a mental health crisis, I know because I have been in crisis many times myself, and you can’t expect everybody to go above and beyond. It’s not about being busy, it’s about the effect putting energy into someone else’s mental health crisis will have on your own mental health. It’s okay not to have the mental resources yourself to rescue somebody else, some of us are only just keeping our own heads above water.

OP hasn’t disclosed she was suicidal to her boss and is suggesting everybody should ‘show kindness’ and go over and above to help everybody all the time because you never know which person is the suicidal one,

I'm honestly starting to think you deliberately misunderstand me on this. I've been very clear what I meant. Several times.

OP - I agree with you. I think some people on this thread are replying (repeatedly) to what they think you said, not what you actually said. It seemed pretty clear to me you were just saying that being nice in even small ways can have a huge impact.

Many many years ago I lost a friend to suicide. We didn't even know he was upset, nevermind the extent of it. I wish I'd known and could have done something. None of that history means the OP is saying something she isn't about fault or blame or whatever.

I have also been the one in receipt of support and kindness, and I know just how draining providing that support can be. Again, there is a massive difference between someone who doesn't have the capacity to do much but who is nice in the interactions you do have, and someone who (whether they have the capacity or not) isn't kind. I'm pretty sure this is all the OP meant - little kindnesses go a long way.

Sorry, I’m not deliberately misunderstanding. I have reread all of your posts several times and it’s not clear to me what you mean. You are saying that your boss helped by pointing to services, you’ve said you talk to people for hours on the phone, you’ve said people should check in with others etc. You've said when you talked to some colleagues they ‘made the right noises but none showed any care or consideration’ which I assume means they showed initial kindness when you disclosed how you felt but didn’t follow it through with any action? From what I’ve read it seems clear you think people shouldn’t just be listening to a friend/ colleague in the moment but should then be putting energy in after that conversation to check in, make phone calls, find services etc.

Sorry if that’s not what you meant, I have autism and can find it difficult to interpret things if they’re not explained directly, but if so can you explain what you do mean? What do you mean by kindness and what do you think is the reasonable action to take if somebody discloses that they are feeling low, bearing in mind a lot of people will already have low emotional reserves? Is it not enough to listen in the moment if you don’t then take the time to follow that up? I have adhd and my executive function is awful, with the best will in the world if someone said they were feeling low it’s unlikely I would go home and follow it up with a phonecall, it doesn’t mean I’m being unkind but when I’m at home I’m not thinking about other peoples lives, I’m just trying to get through my own.

I volunteer with search and rescue to do exactly this.

we often get called out for suicidal people and my team have stopped many

be proud of yourself too OP. Was just as much you as it was them x

@MolkosTeenageAngst

I try to give more specifics.

On saying I'm not okay, I got two responses: the most common was saying "if you need anything, let me know". I'm struggling to express why that is dismissive - in a way, it puts everything back onto you and shows no interest, if that makes sense. The other response was a brief pause, then completely glossing over what was just said. Much rarer, but rude.

My boss started the coversation by asking "what's going on". Big difference.

Sending love you sound lovely. ❤️