To urge you to show kindness (TW suicide)

[Gottobeme]

My boss saved my life yesterday, and he doesn't even know it.

I have been a walking red flag for my mental health for weeks, triggered by a minor event, which, however, came after a series of major ones. I have told so many people in my life I'm struggling and everyone made the right noises, but no one showed any sort of care or consideration. Until yesterday.

I missed a day of work last week and my big boss finally caught up with me. He is exceptionally skilled in asking the right questions, and while I did not talk about what caused all this, he was concerned enough to go and get me any help he could straight after our meeting, found me to see people to talk to straight away. And while it may have been part of his job, he also did a lot of things he did not need to do (like give me his private number to contact him any time).

With that, he saved my life. I wasn't going to make it through the weekend, but the fact that there was one human out there who not only listened properly, but also sprung into action, made all the difference in the world.

If you see someone struggling, don't dismiss it. You likely don't know the full extent. Do what you can to help. He did; I am in his debt for this, and I can now face the coming weeks until I get better.

I know I am not unreasonable. This is merely a plea.

I agree that a brief pause and then glossing over it is not being kind, but I disagree saying if you need anything let me know isn’t being kind. It’s offering help, maybe in that moment you weren’t in a position to take ownership of the hop and needed someone to take charge, but that doesn’t mean that person was wrong. Maybe they didn’t know how to help and so needed you to take the lead, not everybody is going to be able to know what you need and offer it in the moment. I think saying ‘if you need anything, let me know’ is showing kindness, maybe it’s not the kindness you needed in that moment but it’s certainly not dismissive. I have said that to people before and I 100% meant it, I was happy to help but equally I’m not a mind-reader and not necessarilly able to work out how to help someone without them telling me what they need. Obviously if they don’t know what they need that’s helpful, but on the other hand to some people being asked what’s going on might not be helpful. I hate talking and would find someone trying to make me talk far more stressful/ u helpful than someone offering help if I need it. I think you are looking at what felt kind to you based on what you needed and applying it to everyone and therefore thinking the people who offered help that wasn’t right for you in that moment weren’t showing kindness, rather than recognising they were acting kindly but it just wasn’t the sort of help you needed right then. Offering to give help if someone needs something is absolutely being kind, can you really not see that?

We will have to disagree on that.

Saying "if you need anything, let me know" without even checking why someone is upset can feel like the equivalent of walking past an injured person on the ground saying if they want help, they'll ask. The simple way to find out what someone needs is to ask.

That's different to asking and being told they don't want to talk about it (like you say, you'd hate to talk). Then the offer to be there if they reach out may be seen differently. Small, subtle, but important distinction.

Going back to my original point of just lending a little bit of time.

I think the 'if you need anything let me know' line can work if the other person is not in major distress. But when my mother died during the pandemic after months of escalating needs and massive problems getting services I was on my knees for months. Just trying not to collapse in between the caring needed for was exhausting. After she died, I had nothing left. In that circumstance, the 'if you need' comments did feel dismissive and unhelpful - like people could not make an effort on your behalf or really did not want to help. They may have been genuine, but it is hard to differentiate between the people who are paying lip service and the ones who really care. I literally did not have the internal resources left to think about how people could help me. And I was someone who wanted to live, but was just depleted. So I totally get what the OP is saying - there are better questions or phrases to use with people who are truly struggling.

I wonder if this would be a good place to discuss simple things that people can do/say that are helpful? I totally get what you mean OP, and AllTheChocs, about "if you need anything, let me know". it probably is meant well, but something about it comes off wrong. I think it's the "if" - "if" implies you may not need anything, which can sound a bit tone deaf when you've literally just told them that you are not ok and thus clearly in need of something.

I would think something like "is there anything I can do to help?" might be better. Or "I'm really sorry to hear that - what's up?" if you know you don't have the resources to help

@Atethehalloweenchocs - I hope you're doing ok now. It must have been awful to go through all that.

Yes, @Throckmorton , I think you're on the right path with that.

What's going on
What's wrong
Is there anything you'd like to talk about

Is there anything I can do to help
What would help you right now

The most important one I was asked, Are you safe?

OP I'm so so glad you got the help you needed your boss sounds like a thoroughly decent person.

@Gottobeme I am so glad someone saw you are struggling and has done what they can to help. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for a long time and had some people do the same to me, and will be forever grateful. Take care and fingers crossed better times are around the corner for us both.

I don’t really understand how you can say, ‘The simple way to find out what someone needs is to ask.’ and then say if you say, ‘If you need anything, let me know.’ is no good. Surely that’s just a way to ask how you can help by asking the person to let them know what they can do? You say people should lend time, but that goes back to my original point that not everybody has time to give freely, whether due to their own emotional capacity or other stuff going on in their lives. If you’re offering to help if the person lets you know how then that suggests the person is willing to give time, they just need some guidance regarding how to give it.

I also don’t think it’s the equivalent of walking past an injured person and thinking if they’ll need help they’ll ask, surely it’s the equivalent of seeing an injured person and saying, ‘If you need help, let me know.’ which gives the injured person the opportunity to say, ‘Can you do XYZ.’ Id say that’s more helpful than just asking somebody, ‘What’s wrong?’ To me asking, ‘what’s wrong’ is being nosy and actually would make me feel invalidated as for me I have a mental illness, there’s not necessarilly anything ‘wrong’ when I’m upset or anything I can articulate. I don’t want to have to explain that actually, nothing is going on with my life, I’m just fucked up and struggling because of past traumas I don’t want to talk about. Saying ‘let me know if you need anything’ is less intrusive, it’s being practical and more likely to actually lead to them doing something helpful, even if that does need to be directed.

Thanks @Throckmorton , that is really kind of you. It was just the 4 year anniversary of her death so I have had a lot of time to process and once you get through the firsts - first Christmas, first birthday it gets better. I will say though that I have friendships that have never recovered from the aftermath - some people were unexpectedly great and I am forever grateful to them. And some people who I considered myself close to showed a breathtaking lack of empathy, interest or simply went AWOL until time had passed. Not unusual from what I read, but shitty behaviour. That is the similarity that resonated for me in what the OP was saying.

Re what @MolkosTeenageAngst is saying of course no one should be expected to over extend themselves. BUT - there is a big difference between people who lack capacity because of their own needs, and the people who just dont want to put themselves out for anyone else. Or who cant tolerate the discomfort of being around others who are struggling or dealing with very difficult situations. In that case you just have to accept it is not comfortable, remind yourself it is not about you but your friend, and get on with it.

@Gottobeme gave great suggestions. If the person has support and in safe, I might also say 'can I call you tomorrow(or whenever you can) to see if there is anything you need?'. Or make practical suggestions - I am going to the supermarket, can I bring you anything? I have some time tomorrow, can I come over and do some chores for you, or sit with you, or bring you lunch/dinner/etc.

@Gottobeme very true op, you just dont always know and being kind can make all the difference

One practical way you can help is if you step forward to help someone is to get more support yourself. My mum told me about this years ago, it's the idea of ripples going out from the surface. So, if your friend needs support as they are bereaved or in a mental health crisis, you can help them, but also then talk to another friend not in the circle (so the ones at the centre move outwards for support, never inwards). I find offloading if a situation is difficult to someone not involved (therapist, friend, relative) helps if you are finding it stressful.

That's a really good idea!

thats wonderful that he was able to do that for you and that it actually made a difference.

I'm glad you have a great boss and he helped you op.

This.
I wanted to write something similar but couldn’t think of a way to express my disgust at their small mindedness. No doubt they wouldn’t piss on someone who was on fire if it would cause the slightest inconvenience to THEM and THEIR lives.
OP your boss sounds like a real good egg. I hope you are getting support now to get your MH back on track.