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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married when i have no friends

80 replies

Weddingwondering · 19/01/2024 20:52

DP and I have been together 8 years and have 2 DC under 3. We've spoken about getting married for the past couple of years and decided we would like to do it.

I'm not fussed about having a big do, I'd just like us to be married and also to have the same surname as our children. DP has pointed out that our wedding would probably be a bit depressing as we don't have anyone to invite. DP has his parents who live very far away. I have my mum and I have two mum friends who I meet up with for play dates but we don't really know much about each other. We don't have anybody else.

DP is autistic and has social anxiety and so really struggles with socializing and therefore has no friends. We are quite isolated.

I am trying hard to make friends and I'm getting there but struggle with my confidence.

At the moment life is quite hard with two small children, no friends, not much money, etc.

Would it be really sad to just go to the registry office just us, our DC and two random witnesses?

Would it be better to wait a few years when we hopefully have friends we can invite? I'm not sure what to do. DP isn't bothered by it but I'm worried I'll regret not waiting until it can be more of a special day.

OP posts:
TempName247 · 19/01/2024 21:03

Marriage and a wedding are two separate things for me so get married at the registry office if you want to be married, you can have a party at a later date!

jolies1 · 19/01/2024 21:04

If finances allow, how about getting married abroad - book a family holiday somewhere for you, DP & kids and have a ceremony when you’re out there? If you’re close to parents you could invite them if you wish (perhaps mum could babysit so you and DP get a night to yourself?) you’d have some lovely memories to look back on and nice photos and won’t feel you’ve missed out on a wedding, if anyone asks where you got married it sounds like a lovely intimate wedding to celebrate your family instead of wishing you had more people to invite & feeling sad. Cost wise it can double up as your holiday for that year.

You could do the same somewhere nice in UK also of course - ceremony, dinner in a lovely hotel etc as a family.

MyYearThisYear · 19/01/2024 21:04

You could still make it really special just you two & the DC. Maybe elope somewhere and make an event of it. My sister & BIL had theirs in Glencoe and the photos are stunning. Me & DH got married in Florida Keys, just us 2, officiant and 2 witnesses who were strolling along tge beach and I'd do the same all over again. It will be whatever you both want to make it 😉

Bluebelz · 19/01/2024 21:06

Yeah I’d just get married abroad with immediate family or somewhere nice in the uk. Forget the big bash. It’s about the marriage anyway.

Original poster
Weddingwondering · 19/01/2024 21:08

jolies1 · 19/01/2024 21:04

If finances allow, how about getting married abroad - book a family holiday somewhere for you, DP & kids and have a ceremony when you’re out there? If you’re close to parents you could invite them if you wish (perhaps mum could babysit so you and DP get a night to yourself?) you’d have some lovely memories to look back on and nice photos and won’t feel you’ve missed out on a wedding, if anyone asks where you got married it sounds like a lovely intimate wedding to celebrate your family instead of wishing you had more people to invite & feeling sad. Cost wise it can double up as your holiday for that year.

You could do the same somewhere nice in UK also of course - ceremony, dinner in a lovely hotel etc as a family.

This is a really lovely idea thank you

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2024 21:09

Get married right now with your children and mum there. Waiting in hopes to find other friends is really quite silly. Friendship can always be found in the future.

Betsyhilton · 19/01/2024 21:12

A lot of people look at their wedding photos years later and are no longer in touch with half the people in them. Get married in a nice happy ceremony with your children. Don't wait. As other posters have said, you can focus on making friends afterwards. They don't need to have been at your wedding.

Avacardo2023 · 19/01/2024 21:12

There's nothing wrong with just going to the register office and getting married without any fuss. I would do it now rather than wait and put pressure on yourself to increase your social circle.

I didn't want a wedding at all so got married on a beach in Mauritius. This was 30 years ago and we are still friends with our witnesses who were random guests at the hotel. If I married again I still wouldn't have a wedding.

Nannyogg134 · 19/01/2024 21:15

A wedding can be anything you want it to be, and anything that works for you. I had so much anxiety over the thought of a big party, worries that I'd invite work colleagues who wouldn't come, I'd have to drum up interest in a hen do....In the end we booked a Lake District registry office (simply because it looked pretty online), and a nice meal at a restaurant nearby. In attendance we had some close family and our little boy, got married at 10am and then all went for lunch together at the restaurant. It was absolutely wonderful, no anxiety and it worked perfectly for us.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 19/01/2024 21:16

Me and DH flew to Vegas and had a fab wedding just the 2 of us then had a very small party afterwards just for a few family members in a pub we liked.

A wedding doesn't have to be a big flamboyant thing with bows on chairs and seating plans and hundred £ a head meals. Do what suits you and your family.

MarIeyG · 19/01/2024 21:18

Invite us Mumsnetters we will come and celebrate with you 💃💐

WinterSnowFox · 19/01/2024 21:18

Really like the sound of going abroad. Not really sure it’s worth waiting till you make more friends you obviously haven’t made many by now so you would be waiting a long time, what about friends from before you had children?

Gymmum82 · 19/01/2024 21:19

We got married abroad. There was 8 people at the ceremony including me and DH. It was perfect

Mairzydotes · 19/01/2024 21:23

No, it's romantic, not sad.

Newchapterbeckons · 19/01/2024 21:26

Your children will be so excited! Focus on that. Get married somewhere memorable and magical. It doesnt need to cost a fortune. What you save on hosting virtual strangers you can spend on dc and your Mum. My friend got married on a cruise.

BeringBlue · 19/01/2024 21:27

We got married with just two friends as witnesses. Even though we had loads of family locally, we just wanted to get married with no fuss because it was the second time for both of us (and I wanted to have the same surname as our DS once my children from my first marriage were adults).

Popcorn23 · 19/01/2024 21:32

This is the perfect opportunity for you to have a small, fun wedding of your dreams! You will have more money to spend on it with fewer guests and can tailor it completely to your wishes and that of your DP without considering anyone else.

If I could have my wedding again, I'd have it in a cosy bookshop, with a tea party theme, and we'd have sat and played board games after the ceremony.

mamatoTails · 19/01/2024 21:38

We got married last year after almost 20 years together, and after having our children. We went away, just the two of us, a small registry office ceremony and a had a few days holiday at the same time. It was really lovely.
The children stayed with my parents, everyone was happy for us.
We really didn't want to spend too much money, and this way was the perfect way for us.
Honestly don't worry about having a certain wedding to please other people, it's about the two of you, not anyone else -
If it's just the two of you, or you include your children and parents I'm sure it would be lovely.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/01/2024 21:42

I think it’s lovely. I had a big do with hundreds of people, but think of the stress and all the money you would save. I would get new outfits for you all, go to the registry office and then go for a slap up meal. I would get a photographer though. Could you just invite your mum and your DP’s parents?

pontipinemum · 19/01/2024 21:43

I think I'd go for a very small intimate wedding. Invite just your parents and your children.

You said you don't want a big fuss so it doesn't have to be.

Buy a beautiful outfit then have maybe a small humanist ceremony somewhere pretty followed by dinner in a really good restaurant.

Firealarms · 19/01/2024 21:45

I found this thread really bizarre. You obviously don’t prioritise friendships on a daily basis, but you feel sad about not having lots of people at your wedding? If you’re comfortable with your current level of socialisation, why bother changing that for the sake of appearances at your wedding? Friendship takes effort and time to cultivate, there’s no guarantee you’d have a larger guest list in a few years. Just get married now and F what anyone thinks.

i was walking home the other day and randomly saw a bride and groom on my high street taking it turn to take photos of each other on their phones. Seemingly they did not have a picturesque wedding venue or a professional photographer or dozens of people surrounding them, but they looked so happy and thrilled. Your wedding doesn’t have to be someone else’s idea of normal

ActDottie · 19/01/2024 21:48

We eloped had no one at our wedding apart from two witnesses who worked at the venue. It was best thing we ever did, cost about £3k in total for absolutely everything which included a 3 day stay at the venue. I’d say just do it get married without having the party.

Inyourwildestdreams · 19/01/2024 21:49

@Weddingwondering just get married if you want to be 😊 DP and I are getting married in a couple of months. Us, the kids & 6 immediate family guests. Registry office then nice local restaurant for a meal. We organised the whole thing in one day 😂

I’m not at all fussed about having a “big day” or other people being there to be honest. A colleague and I actually discussed it today - she was married 15 years ago in a really big wedding and of all the friends in her wedding pics, she’s still in touch with 2 of them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rocknrollstar · 19/01/2024 21:52

There were 8 of us in the registry office when we got married. It definitely wasn’t depressing. A wedding is for the bride and groom. Go with your children and do it.

Abeona · 19/01/2024 21:52

Not everyone is an extrovert. I hate having my photo taken and would hate the pressure of getting dressed up and having everyone staring at me. I'm also getting older and have been to so many 'perfect' weddings which were actually quite hellish (lots of standing around waiting for food or something to happen, people getting drunk, huge expenses). So many of the couples who spent a fortune on the wedding broke up just a few years down the line, too.

I think it's far more meaningful to have a small, heartfelt ceremony which is all about the two of you and the marriage and not all about showing off and dressing up. So I'd say definitely get married. If your local register office is nice, organise it there so that you and your DP don't get overwhelmed by being in a strange place. Wear something nice but comfortable. Take selfies. Have some flowers. Take the children for lunch afterwards, or to the park or whatever they'd prefer. Do what suits you. Have a lovely day to remember. This is a legal contract you're creating and it will give you both rights and security: it's important, so do it. You certainly won't be the only ones treating themselves to a quiet, discreet wedding.

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