Another Bridezilla one....

[Reallyareyoukiddingme]

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

I also think wait until she replies (or doesn't) and make your decision then.

She knows she's behaved badly and that she's in the wrong, it's a question of whether she is big enough to acknowledge it, even to herself.
However, you don't know what's going on at the moment, it could be a bad time at work, money problems or in law pressure to do with the (three) weddings and she can't (or is too immature to) cope.

Could also be afraid of RL confrontation or a telling-off and is rather childishly putting it off for that reason.

Time will tell.

If she does agree to talk, I'd give her a chance to explain and it's also a chance to say it was hurtful and why, whilst sticking to your guns about the 3 ceremonies and ignoring your 40th birthday.

You may still be able to resolve this in a way that is satisfactory to you.

Feel for you, OP. Her latest cancellation just adds insult to injury, and there is no way that excuse is sincere. I’d consider this friendship over at this point. Curious to see whether she bothers to reply to you.
I stopped speaking to a good friend a few months back. Totally different circumstances but we went from talking almost everyday to nothing. It’s horrible to lose a close friend, but it does get easier as time goes on.

She's a nightmare! Ball is in her court I suppose. If she ghosts you I suppose you will save some money not going to 3 weddings...

Any chance she's seen this thread and got cold feet over the confrontation?

Might be what op was hoping for.

Any update @Reallyareyoukiddingme?

Yep - final update.
I eventually spoke to her on the phone. As expected she blamed ‘the way <her> brain works’ and said she’d found my coldness re saying I couldn’t make the hen do ‘a knife through my heart’. (I honestly don’t think I was cold - factual but very apologetic - and I did offer to take her out in the UK instead).
Re my birthday: ‘Of course I had a card and present for you! I was just too upset to send it’. (Still no sign of that.)
Re me not being able to afford the hen do: ‘I put myself into debt to come to yours!’ I said I’d never have expected or wanted her to do that. Mine was also relatively incredibly cheap. I suspect that might have been for dramatic effect.

Helpfully, I have finally had a date for some non-life threatening but very important surgery which is the week before one of her weddings - I won’t be able to lift anything heavier than a kettle so travelling to attend something like that would be totally impossible. I explained this to her, said that I wished her well with the hen do and all the weddings but that I wouldn’t be able to attend. She was very upset by this and said she couldn’t imagine getting married without me ‘by her side’. I refrained from pointing out she’d done very well without me for the last few months. And it ended relatively amicably, I wished her well and said perhaps we will see each other later in the year (somehow I doubt that).

My one disappointment is that I will never know how she spun this entire saga to the other bridesmaids….

Thank you all for the advice and support, it’s been appreciated.

Oh gosh thanks for the update.
You are a canny lass aren't you? You've got her absolutely pegged.

As a friend of mine once said, "Never judge a person by what they say, but by what they do."

She's full of the floral chat but is fundamentally self-absorbed and selfish and it has cost her a friend.

Her twattery knows no bounds, does it?
A ‘knife through her heart’!? What a drama llama.
Present and card is a total myth.
Self-absorbed arsehole. You’re well rid, OP, and hats off to you for conducting yourself gracefully and with dignity.

Wow, she really is a piece of work! So despite you explaining why you couldn't afford the hen night, she's still trying to guilt you and make it all about her. As for the 'of course I got you a card and present' – pfft! Her behaviour has been childish in the extreme. It's a shame the friendship is pretty much ruined but that's definitely on her, not you, OP. You've been nothing but gracious.

I’m sorry, that must be really hard for you @Reallyareyoukiddingme

its not you, you know this? She’s an awful person and you’re seeing her now for who she is.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am sad about it, and part of me does feel guilty that this will overshadow her wedding preparations - I do think she’s genuinely upset about it.
But I also think she was very surprised that it wasn’t something a quick apology would fix.
Maybe this will lead to an epiphany and she will be less selfish in future…

OP I've just read the thread and all your posts for the first time.

I'm in awe of you. You were clear with boundaries, but kind, honest & respectful to your 'friend' throughout.

I'm sorry for what's happened - but I think you are well shot of her. The money spent on all the weddings will be far more useful to you with house move etc.

I know if it were me, I'd end up still compromising over at least part of the wedding attendance, but you've been firm & clear - while also not vilifying her here. I like the of your jib!