Another Bridezilla one....

[Reallyareyoukiddingme]

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

Leave it for a few days. Then reply..I am also very hurt and disappointed. I thought we were close friends. I think in the circumstances it is right to step down from bridesmaids duties.
Just leave it there. She’s shown you who she is…believe her and move on.
And I would not be attending any of her weddings..

Butterandtoast has it -

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody

Then block!

Yes to what butterandtoast said but I'd also add a mention of my 40th birthday and would be too curious to read her reply to block right away. I'd probably also say that unless you receive a sincere apology from her that the friendship is over (unless you don't want to give her one last chance).

I wouldn’t reply to it at all.

If she really is sorry she will make more of an effort than a naff WhatsApp. If not you’ve lost nothing and saved a lot of money.

Honestly? It's time to bin her off. I wonder if, looking back over your ten years of friendship, you could identify other ridiculousness on her part. Ridiculousness that you've let slide because 'that's just her ways'.

Naturally that involves not being a bridesmaid, and not having to be out a load of money for her weddings (!) that you could put to much better uses.

At most, I'd message her with
'You made your feelings clear when you let my 40th go past. Brother my arse!'

Or just ignore her. Sauce for the goose, and all that. I simply couldn't see her as a friend any more.

She's acted like a spoilt child, and it doesn't seem she's an amazing friend at the best of times. She sounds extremely self-obsessed with the three weddings plus hen do, and you've always been the one to arrange meet-ups?

Personally, I think I'd just back out of the whole thing and be done with her, but if you want her in your life, I'd still point out that you have things happening, too, and ignoring someone for months isn't the way to treat friends (regardless of her self-diagnosis). She needs to wake up and realise that she's not actually the centre of the universe.

OP, is she 40 as well? I assumed early 20s, so prone to childishness and no sense of perspective. If she’s 40 as well, wow. Mr Bridezilla must be considering his life choices.

Thanks for updating, OP! She's left you hanging for 2 months. You're well within your rights to leave it a few days while you think about what you want to do.

She's disappointed? Of course. Hurt? That's just unfair. She's 'hurt' that you can't afford to do a 4th activity? Selfish.

@Saschka that made me laugh!! She's a couple of years younger than me. But not many!

Thank you so much all of you for the support and considered words. I am definitely not replying in a hurry.

UPDATE: I have messaged her.

But you didn’t just bury your head in the sand - you ignored me for over six weeks because I can’t afford your hen do and that included not even getting in touch on my 40th birthday. You’ve only got in touch now because I left the bridesmaid group. I suggested meeting up twice but again, you just ignored me. Given all that’s happened, I can’t be a bridesmaid. We’ve been friends for a long time and this is not a great way to have this conversation, so if you would like to meet up then I'd be happy to do that.

Very well done. Assertive and dignified.

Go you!

Very well put! She can't really argue with that as it's all there in black and white. As the kids say, you've got the receipts.

While I hope she does get back to you and apologises properly and tries to make it up to you, I have a feeling she won't even reply and will be spinning stories behind your back.

Do you have many mutual friends?

Excellent! Well done on sticking up for yourself and sending such a clear message calling out her BS.

Nine bridesmaids?

Yes, step down.

Send her a rext followed by a letter, give it a week from the day you post it, and announce it on the WhatsApp chat.

Thanks for the update, OP. I think you got the tone just right on your message.

Doh, too late...

A perfect response 🙂 What are you going to spend the money on that you've saved? Something lovely, I hope!

Your friend is ridiculous, nobody needs 3 weddings AND a hen do! It all sounds super stressful to me, so I'd be telling her that I no longer want to be her bridesmaid as its too much, plus the fact she's ignoring you is plain rude!

I love a good wedding, but for one day! I don't have the patience for this kind of excessive crap 😅

She is a horrible person OP, certainly not a friend! She ignored you for 2 months all because you said u couldn't afford her hen do and because it's not your cup of tea, that's SO shit.

I'm not attending my sister in laws hen so, the UK one or the abroad one because I'm pregnant, but it's absolutely fine and my SIL completely understands! I'd honestly bin this woman off tbh.

BTW, I'd bet that her ADD is not the reason she doesn't do phone calls, more likely that's she's a coward instead!

Did she not contact you for either your birthday or Christmas and New Year? And yet considers you a friend close enough to be a bridesmaid? How weird. I suspect the friendship has run its course. Think of the Money you've saved.

Has she responded OP?

Good message …..I bet she won’t reply though
I personally wouldn’t be sad to see the end of this friendship if I were you
If she does contact you say you can go to only one wedding, 3 weddings is ridiculous, would you have to give 3 presents aswell?

Well done OP.