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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Bridezilla one....

163 replies

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 19/01/2024 18:42

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 26/01/2024 14:28

@CatamaranViper she'd been going on about 'what are we going to do for your birthday, what are we going to plan etc' the last time I'd seen her before all of this kicked off. I am probably less fussed about my birthday than most but it was amusing given how much she'd talked about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallyareyoukiddingme · 26/01/2024 14:30

I am female! Again, just an unusual turn of phrase implying we're close. We're both female.

OP posts:
Acapulco12 · 26/01/2024 14:37

I definitely don’t think you need to reply straightaway. Sleep on it and take some time for a couple of days to think about you whether you want to reply. You definitely don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.

Pookerrod · 26/01/2024 14:46

If I were you I would only go to 1 of the weddings plus the hen do.

My BIL also had 3 wedding ceremonies. One religious one in one part of the country (as his wife to be is Muslim), one legal one in his home town, and a destination one overseas. We only went the the legal one. My DH was best man so he also went to the stag do.

TBH, most of the guests only went to 1 or 2, there were very few people who went to all 3.

PossumintheHouse · 26/01/2024 14:47

So she’s self-obsessed enough to want three weddings and a hen do, all of which she expected you to faithfully attend and shell out for, yet she did nothing - didn’t even reach out with a birthday text - for your milestone birthday?!?
Fuck that, in the bin! That message also reeks of self-importance. Take your time to reply, but I wouldn’t be replying with anything positive at this point. What a brat.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/01/2024 14:50

I get so tired of this pattern.

Unreasonable demand, so you politely say no.
CF punishes you by giving you the cold shoulder.
CF continues to ignore you - missing your birthday - until you leave the what's app group.
CF then, by way of apology, says that you hurt and upset her (didn't do exactly what she wanted) and she didn't know what to do? (How about replying to messages?)
CF welcomes you back into the fold and unwritten rule is that she expects to you to continue to comply with all her requests as before, now that you know what your punishment will be if you don't. No mention of missing your birthday.

I agree with
@Acapulco12 take some time to decide what you want to do and reply when you are ready. I think if you continued to say you couldn't come to the hen do, you'd be firmly back at square one.

forrestgreen · 26/01/2024 15:01

This sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Add up all it's going to cost and look at it.
Would you prefer to spend and put up with a bridezilla for the duration
Or send a text
'Dcf I've been looking at the expectations of your bridesmaids and I'm sorry I'm going to pull out of the position. I still value our friendship but I do not have the money or holidays available to be able to do you proud. If possible I'd love to come and see you get married when you're in x city but I realise that's a decision you'll have to make. Again I value your friendship but will have to pull out'

And then smile at all the money you've just saved.

Excited101 · 26/01/2024 15:12

Good grief, this sounds batshit!
I’d continue dropping out of being a bridesmaid- she sounds like a self obsessed bellend, does she contribute positively to your life at all?

MrsRachelDanvers · 26/01/2024 15:26

For me I think I’d want rid of this friend. I’d tell her that friendship is a two way street and that it’s been a pretty lonely road for you. I’d tell her that you don’t have unlimited funds to fly off to Europe and scoot around the UK and the hen do on top. That you find her attitude hurtful and showing a lack of empathy. I’d tell her hope her wedding is great but you find the whole thing quite wearing so you’re out. And then I’d not bother with her. If that’s too harsh, at least let her know you’ve been hurt and bewildered by her sending you to Coventry over money you haven’t got.

CatamaranViper · 26/01/2024 15:32

Reallyareyoukiddingme · 26/01/2024 14:28

@CatamaranViper she'd been going on about 'what are we going to do for your birthday, what are we going to plan etc' the last time I'd seen her before all of this kicked off. I am probably less fussed about my birthday than most but it was amusing given how much she'd talked about it!

I'm not overly fussed about birthdays, but I'd be deeply hurt if a close friend didn't acknowledge it. A simple text is enough! She was 'punishing' you by ignoring it. She was showing you that she doesn't care about you.

She's expecting so much from you but won't give anything back. Tells you all you need to know.

pictoosh · 26/01/2024 15:58

"Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it."

Are you really? I wouldn't be. She'd hate being my friend and I would be struck dead because I'd not agree to three weddings involving travel, annual leave and expense for anyone.
All nine (9!) bridesmaids in it for the whole three weddings AND the hen do are they? Think she's going to see a few no-shows along the process.
Her mindset and behaviour is unrealistic and selfish. I'd not be impressed with her whatsoever. Yanbu.

senua · 26/01/2024 15:59

didn't know how to deal with it so just buried my head in the sand and dealt with it terribly
Do you really want to be bridesmaid to a bride like this?
I can tell you now that it's going to be stressful and a disaster. Pull out, before the others do and you are left as last-woman-standing.

SecondHandFurniture · 26/01/2024 16:09

I think I would say that she doesn't know the meaning of hurt until a supposed friend ignores her for TWO MONTHS. And leave it there. If you engage you'll end up resenting the bajillion pounds you end up spending.

pictoosh · 26/01/2024 16:34

"at least let her know you’ve been hurt and bewildered by her sending you to Coventry over money you haven’t got"

Fucking well this. Not cool.

DimOGwbl · 26/01/2024 16:39

How much money are you now saving by not going?

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 26/01/2024 16:43

senua · 26/01/2024 15:59

didn't know how to deal with it so just buried my head in the sand and dealt with it terribly
Do you really want to be bridesmaid to a bride like this?
I can tell you now that it's going to be stressful and a disaster. Pull out, before the others do and you are left as last-woman-standing.

@senua is exactly right! This is going to be one big stress-fest - get out now! I'd bet every penny I have that you won't be the last drop out.

user1984778379202 · 26/01/2024 16:44

So she's admitted deliberately ignoring your 40th out of spite? I'd resign fully and end the friendship.

sonjadog · 26/01/2024 16:52

I can understand that she is disappointed, but hurt over someone not using money they don’t have..? That is incredibly self-absorbed of her! Does she expect you to get into debt for her hen do?? And even if she was disappointed, she should have kept it to herself, not blanked you for months. I don’t think she is a nice person, OP.

scaredofthefuture2024 · 26/01/2024 16:57

Genuinely I wouldn't forgive this. I'd leave her on read, not go to the wedding and draw a line under the friendship.

Life is too short to waste on people that are not worthy or your time or friendship.

Yes I know some will say it's petty or cruel behaviour, but frankly there isn't a need to engage in what will inevitably be an unproductive conversation about ending the friendship when you both already know where you stand. She knows what she has done and rather than genuinely apologise, has deflected. You'll
Just end up more cheesed off.

Harrietsaunt · 26/01/2024 16:57

Honestly, I would not reply. I think this friendship is done and you are best off out of it.

toomuchfaff · 26/01/2024 17:01

Spin it on its head... so historically all the bm costs were paid by the Bride. And the hen costs were organised and paid by the BM
So, as she is having 3 weddings put it to her that you assume SHE is going to be funding all the dresses, hair, make up and accessories of the 9 bridesmaids for the 3 weddings including all travel and accomodation... for 9 bridesmaids thatll get very expensive, may make her see that she is commanding quite a lot of other peoples money...

Bet you'd get some type of response then!

Butterandtoast · 26/01/2024 17:05

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody.

Then block!

JadeSeahorse · 26/01/2024 17:26

forrestgreen · 26/01/2024 15:01

This sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Add up all it's going to cost and look at it.
Would you prefer to spend and put up with a bridezilla for the duration
Or send a text
'Dcf I've been looking at the expectations of your bridesmaids and I'm sorry I'm going to pull out of the position. I still value our friendship but I do not have the money or holidays available to be able to do you proud. If possible I'd love to come and see you get married when you're in x city but I realise that's a decision you'll have to make. Again I value your friendship but will have to pull out'

And then smile at all the money you've just saved.

Love this response suggested by Forrestgreen.

Perfectly worded IMO!

mamacorn1 · 26/01/2024 17:32

Lots of people will start to back out - they always do !! She will realise then what an idiot she has been. Just bail out and take yourself off the group. She has included you as a means to show you what you are missing, when actually you have dodged a bullet here.

BMW6 · 26/01/2024 17:40

Butterandtoast · 26/01/2024 17:05

You've ignored me for 2 whole months because I couldn't afford to go on your hen do. Do you have any idea how hurt I feel by that? No real friend would do that to somebody.

Then block!

This ^^ she's a bloody arse.