Another Bridezilla one....

[Reallyareyoukiddingme]

I'm pretty sure IANBU but I needed advice on how to handle this situation!

I've been friends with a woman for around 10 years - let's call her Michaela. She and I worked together but bonded fairly quickly and we have stayed close despite me moving jobs. She was my bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago and we see each other probably every six months or so (I have to organise these).

Her relationship started around the same time as mine but for various reasons she was never expecting her OH to propose to her. He subsequently has and she is obviously very excited about this, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. But her wedding plans are utterly out of control.

Her OH is from a religious background so she's having a big religious wedding up north, plus the religious ceremony (non legally binding). She's also having a legal wedding party in her home town - AND is planning a (non legal, non religious, just fun) destination wedding in a fairly expensive country in Europe. All of this is....fine.... though I am slightly stressed as to how I'll afford this both money wise and holiday allowance wise, but I'm very happy to attend all parts of it.

The problem came when she started discussing a hen do - again abroad, in a different European capital city. I was caught slightly on the hop when she first mentioned it and went along with the very vague initial planning stages, but I realised fairly quickly it was going to be a) my idea of hell (very late nights clubbing etc) and b) totally unaffordable in the context of all the other money I'm spending. So I messaged her to say how I was really sorry, but realised money was more of an issue than expected, and while I was delighted to be attending all parts of the wedding itself I just couldn't make the hen do work. I would have called her to chat through this but she hates phone calls and refuses to answer them, so a message was my only option.

She has since totally ignored me. I left it a week or so then messaged again, asking how wedding plans were going etc, and if I could help with anything. She has ignored that too.
BUT weirdly has added me to the bridesmaid WhatsApp group. There's lots of chat on there about plans to meet up and chat about the hen do, talk about the various wedding logistics etc - but no one is addressing me directly and she's still ignoring me.

WIBU to message her and say I was voluntarily stepping down from my BM duties? I really don't want to even go to the wedding at this point, and I'm so disappointed by her behaviour - I just can't imagine how she's justifying it to herself. But I am loathe to throw away so many years of friendship over something pretty petty in the grand scheme of things.

Don't be a mug. You aren't losing anything with this little princess so back out entirely and save all that money.

And as someone with adhd (dx'd), I get the phone thing but I would pick up and discuss this as it's important. She's clearly off on a hyperfocus, batshit power trip. Definitely step away from the madness. Let the other 8 (!) people deal with her.

Please stay on the WhatsApp group as long as you can and give us a running commentary of the bridal events. In fact, turn it into a book! They all sound batshit. 3 weddings and 9 bridesmaids??
You're well rid. I'd be embarrassed posing in that line up.

I’d also send a private message asking her for a chat, and if that was ignored I’d leave the bridesmaid group.

I think she’s done you a favour tbh. Now you can exit the WA group and save yourself lots of money.

I can just about understand a separate civil and religious ceremony, but she actually cannot get married a third time abroad. It’s farcical.

Sounds like she has lost her mind.

Thanks for all the feedback. I feel annoyed this is taking up so much headspace to be honest, I have two DC and a pretty full on job (and I'm moving house this year, again not helping with money situation) so I kept thinking if I ignored it, it might resolve itself. But I think I will have to contact her again and see what she says. I honestly can't imagine how she's justifying this to herself!

I would send her an email fully explaining (as you have in your post) why it would be difficult to attend the hen do in addition to the three wedding celebrations. I'd also point out that this hasn't been done to upset her, but is just the reality of the situation. Explain that you thought you'd have heard back from her by now, hence the email. I'd also say at this stage that you will willingly stand down from being a bridesmaid if that's what she wants. All very reasonably worded.

If she hasn't responded to you within 2 weeks. Leave the WhatsApp group.

This way, you can look yourself in the mirror and say you've tried. I suspect she will ignore the email and let you leave the WhatsApp group but regret it very much in the long term when she looks back on it. That'll be her problem.

She not a friend. I would bin her off.

I think you've dodged a bullet, I would have pulled out at the idea of multiple weddings I had to fund. The others in the bridesmaid squad will be jealous of your courage!

This sounds like a dreadful case of main character syndrome.
I understand have a civil service and the religious one, but most people I know who have done that have the civil one as a very small event with just close relatives there.

All this ‘look at me’ carry on with three weddings and a massive hen do sounds so self centred.
I’d back out. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

I would try calling her (if she doesn't pick up so be it) and leave a voicemail rather than texting

Get rid of this silly girl from your life.
Her poor husband to be

Another vote for stepping away from this but please lurk in the WhatsApp and feed back on the batshittery

I’m surprised by the amount of grace some previous posters are giving this bride. Her wedding expectations are frankly insane - three weddings, various far away destinations and with so much expense to boot?! And then you dare to admit you can’t afford the fourth event and have been ignored since November?!
There’s often a lot of talk about brides going a bit bonkers and turning into bridezillas due to the months of planning madness. These princess brides are showing you who they really are.
I’d want nothing more to do with her, and I’d have lost it by now and sent a stern message. Putting it kindly.

Hi bridezilla. As you haven’t responded in 2 months I am assuming you are upset with my lack of funds and not being able to attend your fourth celebration. After checking finances and speaking to my husband I have made the decision to step down from bridesmaid duties.
i would still love to attend (choose which wedding is easier) and I look forward to being a part of your happy day(s) as a guest.

OMG if you drop out now, the photo of her with 5 bridesmaids to the left and only 4 to the right will look absolutely shite on Instagram. How could you do this to her, OP? Sheesh.

Three weddings and nine other bridesmaids plus hen abroad - this is Bridezilla x 1000. You don’t stand a chance of getting a reasonable response AND you make all the running in the friendship. I’d say time to give up on this so-called friendship.

Friends should add something positive to your life. There’s nothing special about being one of 10 bridesmaids - probably the only 10 women she knows.

To have ignored you since the end of November makes your worth clear - you have none to her as an actual person, just as someone she can use (and abuse).

I’d send one last message saying you are happy to be bridesmaid (if you still are) but you need confirmation of what will be involved by x date, and after that you will assume she no longer needs you as part of her wedding.

Then focus on your other friends or look to make new ones. I’ve lost what I thought were good friends, usually due to circumstances, and it is sad but life moves on. For the first time ever (decades long friendship) I had a round robin letter this year from one old friend (after Christmas which seemed insulting in itself) and it made me realise she has never once put herself out for me and the times long ago when I did go to visit, she often paid me little attention. I decided to simply give up as she is not worth it.

I would just completely leave it and stay on the WhatsApp group - ball is in her court

Sooner or later things will reach the stage of getting booked and needing deposits. It will be interesting to see if everyone ends up actually going on everything once the costs are out there...

Also it will require specific replies on who is going. You can send reply 'as mentioned in November I can't do hen do but can do XYZ'
There might be 9 other bridesmaids who are dying to drop out of 1 or more bits!

You need to stay on to keep us updated

Send her a link to this thread.

@AnneValentine the thought has occurred to me!
OK, I've sent a message - along the lines of we need to talk about this, you're obviously angry, I can speak on the phone tomorrow or one night this week.
Will update, I know how annoying an unresolved thread can be!

Prepare to be ignored!

Sorry, IMHO, that is verging on groveling

It doesn’t matter that you perceive it as grovelling. In no respect would it actually be grovelling.

1. OP’s friend would perceive it as kind and reasonable.

2. OP herself would not be grovelling. This would be a mechanism to keep the doors of communication open so that the true facts can be established (since, as I understand it, OP wants to save the relationship if her friend turns out not to be too horrible). OP is under no illusions that her friend appears to have behaved badly. She is also quite clear about what she is and is not willing to do for her friend. However, if she jumps to conclusions and alienates her friend in the process she loses the opportunity to understand all the facts.

Many relationships have been damaged because people lack the confidence to be a little humble and cut the other person some slack, valuing their pride more.

I think that was a good response. The fact that she’s added you to the bridesmaid group shows that she knows that she’s being ridiculous. It sounds like she’s trying to avoid facing her poor behaviour. It’s clear from your message that you’re prepared to extend her a lot of grace, which is kind of you.

You would not be unreasonable at all to decide to step down, ignoring you since November, because you were rightly honest about being unable to afford a hen do is shocking. I have a friend who had multiple events for cultural reasons, a few of us couldn’t make all of them and she was so understanding.

I would send a message and back out and then remove myself from the WhatsApp group.

A little life lesson for her that she can't treat people like shit when she doesn't get her own way.