To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

We have children like this at dd's school. They seem to be all smiles but I suspect they have a very controlling and strict home life and are punished severely for stepping out of line.

I used to interview for medical school entrance and if someone had Grade 8 Cello it put me right off ( particularly when added to Gold D of E and a few county 'sporting achievements') They were often the ones who just did what they were told the whole way through and struggled when they had to be more independent.

Let your kids be - they sound fine

I don’t understand why you feel they need to be ambitious so much? They sound happy and that’s more important. Kids change as they grow up too. I only said to mine to try your best as didn’t want to put pressure on them. We want them to enjoy their childhood and if you have laid back kids then that’s fine. Adapt your expectations and you’ll realise you’re doing a great job, don’t put pressure in yourself OP.

One of mine has a life long illness which currently has them unable to attend school or even leave the house most days. This young person is breathtakingly intelligent and talented but is also torn apart by something completely outside of their control.

the other is just coming out of a painful growth condition. They've been robbed of years of developing in sports and socially. Hopefully they'll be able to shine soon as they're intelligent and just a genuinely lovely person.

I'd do anything to have mine live as yours do. You are most definitely unreasonable.

OP, you have no idea what happens behind closed doors. No offense to your friends but kids that grow up doing everything perfectly have a tendency to struggle with reality - often feeling entitled to a fairly tale status quo life. If I were you, I’d be proud of those kids of yours for having personality and confidence.

It really does not do to compare children.

I have one driven and one "bare minimum", but once he left school, he has gone from strength to strength, and gets a good salary and eye-watering bonuses for the extra mile work. Added to which, he has a great network of friends who are plumbers, builders, carpenters etc. (I think you will appreciate how valuable that can be)
Working with young people, I find that there is a lot of "doing" and not much "being" these days - children who are out of the home 5-7 days a week with activities, plus before and after school. Encourage them - and pull them up on missed homework etc - but some are just not that academically minded.
They may well pick up "speed" when they leave school and do something that is not on the academic curriculum.
The conversation to have with any child over 13 is that the harder they work NOW, the more interesting the jobs open to them for the rest of their life.
BUT, while it may not be what you want to hear, my school report cards always said "could do better", but I could NOT despite spending all my time trying to keep up to expectations, and to this day I often feel a bit of a failure.

The question is if their performance and willingness improves- when will your comparison stop ? Will it ?

What you are seeing from the other family is probably more adult intervention than you think.

If you really really want your children to go to debate club you force them. Unless it is something that they want to do. But it sounds like you are not a very forceful parent and you are hoping that your children find motivation themselves (not a bad thing btw).

Truth is, unless they are interested in it, have an incentive from home or their friendship circle, they will not be motivated … but you are lucky that they are doing well.

Praise them for what they are doing. Regardless of if the school are giving them prizes or not. Also you never know, these parents may have contacts or something with all of these clubs that you may be unaware of.

I say this as a mum of a girl who is very very capable but she would pick watching TV over going to a swimming club. But whenever I have paid for an activity, I tell her she must do a term and we will cancel if she hates it. And we stick to that. Most of the time she enjoys it if there are friends or if she is enjoying the learning experience.

My DD has been doing gymnastics for over 5 years, because she begged me. Guess what she has weekends where she doesn’t want to go - and yes, I make her go unless she is sick and she comes home with a massive smile on her face each time.

She also had the opportunity to join debate club. I told her to join but I didn’t see the need to force her - and she didn’t join. I was upset about it - I never showed her. But I’m glad she has a few extra curriculum activities including instruments that she does. She’s high achieving - maybe doesn’t get the recognition from school - but I also want her to be kid, hang out with friends and play. We are lounging on the sofa watching trash teen TV as I type.

Childhood is the only time they will get this kind of freedom.

A friend said to me recently how she envied me. How my dd was always so quiet and well behaved, never gets in trouble at school, always beautifully turned out etc. She has no idea that my daughter has asd, has aggressive meltdowns, won’t go to bed or do homework without being asked forty times. Has sensory issues with clothing that makes getting her uniform on a nightmare. I have battles morning and night. Life is hell. Moral of the story- if it looks perfect it probably isn’t. You don’t know what people’s lives are really like. Sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for. Step back and let them be who they are.

I know exactly what you mean same with my daughter she turned out to be autistic got diagnosed as an adult at 20 so she put a lot of her energy into trying to fit herself in a world that was difficult for her and I didn’t realise how much I pressured to fit in it too. Not saying yours are autistic but maybe their brains just don’t work that way

i know exactly what you mean and how you feel
youre not unreasonable

Kids will always be different.

Ask yours what they want to fo at nxt stage either it's snorer school or gcses 9r a job. Ho thru what they need yo fo, encourage them, tell them u can't do it for them.

Life is about choices the better u do and harder u work the more choices they have. Get it 8nto yr mantra.

Don't work hard then you'll fo the job u can get whether u like it or not etc.

Trust me it works

This. You have the kids you have. They sound great. Stop trying to change them. You will irreparably damage their self esteem (trust me). God i think i hate you

Sad!? I think you have bigger problems. Your kids will pick up on your feeling they are not good enough, in any respect, and resent you for it and it could also be damaging them. Ignore others, rejoice in all they do, not do. Catch them doing something right.

In the end, any motivation has to come from the child. You can help them with goals to work towards; for example if one would like to work in computing, explore the courses and marks needed for that. That's a definable goal.

However, hothousing children doesn't always lead to successful, happy young adults. Three that I know personally: even though at the top 1% of her class, one cannot work and still lives at home at 25, anxious and abusive to her parents; another has a science PhD but can't look after himself and is socially isolated; the last, always compared to others kids, became a quadriplegic at 14 at an extra-curricular activity.

Be happy with your children and show that you are. That's what they will remember.

@aseekingseeker

N
MY dc watch lashings of tv, game and so on.
I don't have and never have strict rules.
One refuses to join clubs. She's on course for straight 9s.

@Jenry don't nag!!..

Many ways to skin a cat...

@DrBalenciaga what a sobering post.

I totally agree motivation has to come from the child and nagging etc doesn't work...

I could have written this exact post, WhenWereYouUnderMe 😞.

OP, I honestly thought your post was going to be about you having children with a condition that stopped them living like their peers. I really think you should embrace your children for who they are. They will find their own niche in life, and will make the world a better place in their own unique ways.

@ThePure I don't think joining clubs is about excelling?.. Surley it's about trying lots of things to see what one is interested in?

And the more interests we have the more we may enjoy life and meet lots of people from all walks of life?

A family on our street have perfect Peter teens like this. The mother even said “how lovely to be woken in the morning by the sound of your teen practising their second instrument”. This is so far from my reality I had literally nothing to say.

Mine are lovely and work well at school but appear to have opted for advanced partying rather than multiple musical instruments.

No wonder your kids don’t want to go the extra mile, I sense they know nothing they do is good enough for you. It all sounds like a load of BS to me and first world problems. Maybe the problem is you and your parenting?

I'm sure I'd feel the same as you. You have my sympathy.

But I was the friend's child a few decades ago. Always polite and good, beautifully turned out, top of the year in more subjects than not.

I was actually just desperate to please, and masking a severe mental illness that would ruin my adult life.

Are your children happy and well balanced? If so, work on the work ethic. If not, work on the happiness.

Haven’t read all the responses here, so very conscious I’m perhaps going wrong….

I’m less interested in children achieving stellar academic results; they are really not the be all and end all. I’m much more keen on instilling a hard work ethic, confidence and resilience.

Let them be children. Your children doing sports instead of all that extra work studying is absolutely the right thing to be promoting for their mental health. They will be healthy young adults with a great perspective on work life balance. That is si.much more important than a crappy end of year prize and a lack of vitamin D for being inside so much.
I think your children have the right attitude. Like you say, they are bright...they have definitely got 'it'.

Just accept your kids for who they are. My sister was a high achiever at school, literally one of those you describe. She got a great job but as an adult she has terrible mental health and is medicated for depression. She has also made some bad decisions in life.

Another sister went completely off the rails at school, left without qualifications and got into trouble with the Police and drugs. She now has a first class degree, a great relationship and lovely children, she's happy and shes fab to hang out with.

I was a middle of the road kid like yours. Always happy, loved my life and my friends. i now have a middle of the road job and kids and still love my life. To me, THAT is success.

We had great parents, they always accepted us all for who we were and supported us. Who knows why we're all so different but I think some of it is out of your control.

I absolutely agree with this, 100%.

I think these are the most important attributes we can give our children and they cannot be measured in academic grades, sporting achievements or salaries. The confidence to know how to make themselves happy and the hard work and resilience to create that happiness that is all anyone really needs.

AND it's hard to do that as parents! If you do manage it, give yourself a pat on the back (and then PM me with all your advice please!!!)