To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

"I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes"

I could have written this ten years ago. I have to say my experience since has shown me:
A)Bare minimum is actually quite a smart skill to have as it achieves but doesn't push you to the limit
B)All my kids have developed into independent successful adults with good careers despite their school performance or under performance.- when they find something they are passionate about then they naturally strive harder.
C) Everyone does things at different speeds and in different ways and success and achievement aren't all about school goals.

My kids (teens) are intelligent but fairly lazy too
They largely refuse any extra curricular stuff and even if pushed to try something they will do a few terms and then quit
They would say they work hard but they never do anything more than what is set
I do compare to my own childhood where I did guides, D of E, played an instrument, sang in choirs, was in plays and sports teams as well as had part time jobs and my kids refuse all of these opportunities when offered.
What can you do? I can't force them at gunpoint.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't really care enough to push them more. I am not sure what the point of all that excelling is really

I went to Oxbridge, I have a PhD and I work in a good well paid job but honestly sometimes I think I would have been just as happy or more so with a bit less. My job is very stressful. I earn well and that affords a middle class lifestyle although nothing fancy but so do other people who didn't 'excel' quite as much as me. I would probably like to trade down for an easier life but I am trapped for now as the main wage earner

In the end I just want my kids to be happy
How would forcing them to be more academic or to engage in hobbies they don't enjoy add to that goal?
There's a happy medium I would say and I see young adults in my line of work who are forced to succeed or whose self esteem is tied up with meeting huge parental expectations and many of them are desperately unhappy despite being objectively very successful
I would rather mine are a bit lazy but happy.

I used to feel a little like this. I think I’ve always had a competitive nature and always try to do well on whatever I do. My eldest is very laid back and it used to frustrate me that he didn’t work harder to improve. I’ve learnt to celebrate his successes. There’s other things that he’s brilliant at and im
super proud of him. Youngest is a bit more driven and I’ve just accepted that they are both completely different characters.

comparison is the thief of joy - love that saying

I used to have the same problem. I used to say ‘I am not looking to make a silk purse out of a sows ear but..’ I now realise that it put pressure on my daughter , which she just rebelled against. Take your foot of the break , if they want to they will start accelerating when they are ready.

I’ve got 3 kids and all are academically bright (especially middle child) but only two of them (youngest two, different father) go the extra mile. Eldest is bright but lazy and lacks ambition. Middle and youngest work so hard, middle child got top grades in all GCSE and A level, DD is GCSE’s this year and is getting up at 5am to revise before school and after. I have honestly done nothing to encourage this. I work hard, they see me doing that, especially during covid and so does their dad (we are separated). They are perfect teenagers behaviour wise and everyone asks me how I’ve managed it. I genuinely don’t think I’ve done anything apart from live in a calm home, after growing up with waring parents I knew I didn’t want that for my child. Ex and I have a positive relationship. They’ve never been rude to me or slammed any doors. It’s just luck of the draw I’m sure. Oh and they’ve definitely watched too much TV all 3 and no phone time limits etc

Your kids sound reassuringly normal. Let them find their own way. You'll end up with a better relationship with them as adults if you can accept them as they are, warts and all.

Instilling a work ethic- I guess you just make really sure that you are rewarding and praising the effort and not the success.

I found academic work really easy but was not gifted at sports. My dad once told me he was prouder of me for slogging round a cross country course in close to last place than for all the times I came top of the class and that really stuck for me. He was there cheering me on and gave me a big hug at the end so it wasn't just words either.

My nana used to say 'do your best, angels can't do better' and I still say that to myself sometimes when I am tempted to give up at something I am finding hard.

I always felt that as long as I tried it did not matter if I succeeded and this is the message I try to pass along to my kids.

I do offer my kids opportunities proactively and I support and encourage any they do display an interest in. I also do remind them a little bit about the realities that life is a bit easier if you have qualifications and can earn money and that one does have to have something to write on personal statements because I don't want them to find that out too late but in the end there comes a time where it's their own choice. I inform them and then it's up to them what they choose to do. My oldest is 16 and she is definitely making her own choices and I am happy if she seeks guidance from me but I do not dictate.

I think it’s great that they don’t seem bothered about picking up prizes. Reward systems at school are so damaging and it sounds like they are smart enough to realise that doesn’t matter. Do you honestly want them comparing themselves with peers and making their lives into a competition with others?

Are they kind? Empathetic? Are they happy? enjoying their lives? These things are more important than being ‘the best’ at some school subject. They’re doing well at school but they’re not fussed about a prize. Good on them. And why do they need to look smart all the time? Who for?

I really think they have the right idea, they sound quite well rounded individuals unlike yourself who maybe needs some perspective and to consider what really matters in life. Plus to have a think about the negative effect your attitude may have on your children. They’ll know fine well if you don’t think they’re good enough and it’ll either have an effect on their self esteem or on their relationship with you.

Well it’s no wonder they are doing the bare minimum. You are completely overbearing 😫

I can sort of understand. I tried very hard and excelled. My son is scraping by. Literally. He’s not at all lacking in intelligence. He just doesn’t want to apply it.

His behaviour is also largely just an atom away from unacceptable. He sails close to the wind.

However. He’s happy. His mental health is strong. He has really good friends. His personality is amazing. He has bags of empathy. He buys food for the homeless guy outside McDonald’s when he goes in. He will succeed in life with his distinctly average grades, because he’s a great person.

Please don’t make your kids feel anything other than the brilliant amazing creatures they are. They sound great and your friends’ kids sound dull tbh. It takes more than qualifications to go far in life. I’m sad you’re disappointed in your kids. I don’t understand why my son doesn’t try. It’s alien to me. But he rarely disappoints me. He’s brilliant.

Your kids are doing well, they’re polite, well-adjusted. What more do you want? My DD is 14, had ADHD, is failing in almost every subject even with meds and extra tutoring. Even though life is constant stress, I know there are other parents and children struggling a lot more than us. I’m grateful she has friends, I’m grateful that she has now finally after years started to look after her personal hygiene, I’m grateful that she hasn’t self harmed in two years. You should value your children for the people they are, not who you want them to be. Stop comparing with others and be proud of the children you have.

*has ADHD

You need to be happy and grateful for the children you have. Otherwise, something may come along and you may then wise that you had never complained.

When I had my first DC with additional needs. I used to compare him with other people's children- and instead of enjoying the child I had, I was busy comparing him to other people's children who I frankly did not care about. I then snapped out of it and began to enjoy him and minimised the comparing. Now he is in his teens, and things have not been easy, but he has accomplished so much that I did not think it was possible.

After secondary school/college, no one really cares after that. Some children go to university, some go to apprenticeships, some end up with mental health needs and are out of work or still struggling with their own demons. Who wants to waste life worrying about other people's lives. Just enjoy the life you have now.

I've not read the whole thread, but I had the child you want yours to be. And I now have an anxious perfectionist adult daughter.

Her dad and I were far from perfectionists, so she didn't pick it up from us, and we were oblivious to any tendencies when she was at school. She was just a very hard worker who was very academic and who wanted to do her best. We were very proud of her.

We also had a daughter who was like the kids you have. She is a mentally healthy and happy adult. Given that your kids are doing very well at an academic school, I'd be glad of their balanced approach to life.

Oh-forgot to add. I got pregnant with first DC as a teen in secondary. A few teachers and a few pupils were quite judgemental and looked down on me- particularly my mum. I'm sure that they thought I wouldn't amount to anything. I have a very good job and have two degrees. I'm sure my mum was embarrassed about having a pregnant teenage daughter (although she would never admit it). But she still supported me and did not give a F what other parents thought of me. She's very religious and certainly did not waste a time caring what other parents though. Her main priority was supporting me.

Be grateful that they are healthy and happy. Your expectations are too high.

Are your friends’ children happy and enjoying their childhood? You seem to have such messed up priorities. I am another parent with a mentally ill, neurodiverse teenager and yours isn’t a first world problem, it is the farthest thing from an actual problem that I can imagine. You are so so lucky to have bright, happy children who are not putting pressure on themselves and who have friends. Please get some perspective.

I've taught hundreds of kids over the years. Yes, there are kids I look at and think:"Why aren't mine like that?" But then, I have to take my own and dh's parenting and circumstances into account. And chill the fuck out. As long as mine can one day live the lives they want, and support themselves, then I'm done.

I'm sure I disappointed my parents in many, many ways as a child. Interestingly, they were never that bothered by my academic success- but to me, it defined me. They just wanted me to be less weird.

Then of course, there are the many, many kids who make me wish my kids realised just how bloody privileged and lucky they are.

Chill out! My son never put himself out either in school work or in sport. He later admitted that he knew exactly what GCSEs he needed to take A levels, what grades he needed to get to Uni and what degree he needed for the job he wanted. So he did what he had to do. He has the job he wanted, seems very happy and is certainly well paid. As for sport, he is very fit, iron man standard, but when it comes to football/ rugby it’s all about the fun. He couldn’t care less if his team win or lose! He has won very few accolades and my friends kids did better, but he is happy and successful. What more do you want for your kids? In spite of your protestations, I think you want to bask in their reflected glory. Look how clever my kids are etc etc.

As one poster said, those other kids could be miserable, under pressure to be top at everything. As you yourself said, OP, when they are told to go to a club, they go. It doesn’t sound like they have a choice to me, and are possibly being made to do things whether they want to do them or not. The outside calmness could be a front. I have known families like this, and the kids were NOT happy. Your kids sound happy and far more normal in their behaviour to me, and though you would like them to be more academically focused, you are not putting pressure on them or trying to force them to do anything against their wishes. You should be proud of that, and of your kids!

I've always limited screen time and it's certainly only been given after homework has been completed to my satisfaction. I'm a Foster Carer and I care for a DC with complex learning disabilities but he always wants to give his very best effort and works really hard at everything he does, his college work, his competitive sports, and hobbies. I've always made the time to praise his good work ethic and remind him I'm so proud of him for going the extra mile. I think expectations make a huge difference and FS knows DH and I fully expect him to do his absolute best. FS doesn't have a high IQ but he is achieving well above his predictions. Also we have made him understand it doesn't matter if he takes a little longer to achieve an exam than it takes other DC it is the perseverance to get there in the end that matters. I told him I had to do my driving test 3 times before I passed but it didn't matter because I didn't give up and I was proud of myself when I finally passed it. He had to resit his GCSE Maths twice but last summer he passed. I'm sure me telling him about my driving helped him keep going and not give up. We all went out for a meal to celebrate. Now he is on his dream Sports course at college which he couldn't do without the Maths GCSE.

You are worrying far too much. Thats what you are doing wrong. You have healthy, well behaved children it seems enjoy the moment. Encourage as you obviously are doing.
You have no idea but for all you know the other parents may be equally envious of what you have.

OP - I struggled with this for a while so I totally understand where you’re coming from.

but it’s also massively damaging to your kids- they need to feel they are enough.

also - nice, compliant kids who excel at school often have a rougher ride in the real world. It’s the ones who aren’t worried about being perfect or receiving praise that can go further as they’re more likely to take risks. Sounds like they have a healthy disrespect for authority too - saying they’ll do it their way instead of obediently doing everything you say.

your kids seem to have hit a sweet spot of high achieving while still enjoying lazing around and being a teenager. Sounds like they know how to relax - which is a really important skill that is underestimated when it comes to real life. They’ll be less likely to suffer burnout, be more resilient and will enjoy their success ( which it sounds like they’re on course for!)

Oh my goodness. Give your amazing kids a break. They sound wonderful. I feel like you have unrealistic expectations of them.

I have one of those "perfect" families. 3 kids, all academic and enjoy achieving and learning. Eldest is an exceptional musician. The only thing I have pushed them on is PQA (performing arts academy). I insisted that they started as early as possible. From that they have gained confidence and enthusiasm in all aspects of their work and play, they don't want careers in show business. They are choosy about their tv viewing, but I have never controlled screen time. I suppose they don't push back too much because it doesn't get much of a reaction.

That said, they are outwardly "perfect" only. Behind closed doors we deal with squabbles and tantrums, apathy etc. They are competitive with each other and classmates and like being recognised for their efforts. I honestly don't think this is down to our parenting. They just are who they are, we haven't moulded them or been tiger parents.