To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

I could have written this very post OP. I was desperate during their school years but didn’t interfere as I had been raised in a “hands-off” parenting family so I did my best to stand back and let them find their own way. They are both at university studying maths now and despite that being my subject, I can honestly say they got there themselves by a circuitous route. They are lovely, bright, funny and well-adjusted and thankfully not “mini-me’s”. Enjoy them, they will surprise you by their individuality.

Do you want kids or robots?

I cannot believe that you are using someone else’s kids as a yardstick for your own! Be very, very grateful that you have happy healthy children. A lot of people don’t. Shame on you and pull yourself together. Your kids will be just fine, unless you get in their way with your unwarranted expectations.

Before they were born my 2 were going to be little geniuses.
IRL DS1 worked super hard but had a learning disability that was diagnosed late. He’s now a super kind, gentle, lovely man who has got far with dogged determination. I couldn’t be prouder of him but never was he ever going to win prizes. I’d have gone mad comparing him to my peers’ kids several of whom were Oxbridge bound.
DS2 seemed to have all the gifts handed to him, excellent at sport, performing arts. Confident. Cheeky charming. Popular. Capable of 9s and A* across the deck, but not interested in putting in that amount of effort on academics unlike the younger me. I did find that a bit difficult, but his passion by the time he was 14/15 was not academia but performing arts which he took himself all over the city to take part in so he had the drive.
He’s living his own dreams, not mine in his final year at a conservatoire. I’m super proud of him too.
Don’t trouble yourself with comparisons. Celebrate your lovely DC for who they are. I’m sure they are very special.

Of course YABU! Is this even a genuine post? 🤷‍♀️

I feel sorry for your children , having this idea of not striving to do their best .Let them be, what if they are being their best ? Such pressure , maybe look at your own life and what made you feel this way ?

I was like your kids. Really clever but never gave a shit in school and actually got kicked out of 6th form in the end for attendance. Now at 32 I’m studying for my PhD and doing a lot better than a lot of my school friends who got amazing grades. I guess I wasn’t ready then, but am now? My mum made it quite clear (without realising) that she thought she’d failed somehow and I was never good enough. I still haven’t really forgiven her and I love her seeing how well I’m doing now.

Do they feel sad when they compare you to other parents, Op?

Are they increasingly sad and frustrated that you can't accept them for who they are?

Do they wish you were like Tom and Sarah's Mum?

My Mum was always talking about other girls and comparing me. Telling me I should be more outgoing, more fun, slimmer, this or that. She was doing her best but by god it was incredibly upsetting and has caused long term damage to my self esteem.

Be grateful you have two happy and healthy children. They will find their own way.

My mother worked full time in a demanding job then came home and obsessively cleaned. Guess what? I became an artist with an aversion to housework. If you nag your DCs and compare them to others in a negative way I'm not surprised if they don't emulate you. Try encouraging them constructively and let them do it their way. The apparently perfect ones rarely turn out that way.

Sounds like you have fun and the kids are happy.
What does good look like for you and your kids. Is it oxbridge? It’s sounds like whatever they do it will never be enough … enjoy your life. This is a special time don’t look for fault.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Honestly, please just stop doing it.

I bet you loads of money all these kids will end up being roughly the same in achievements, regardless of the route they took to get there.

Honestly, i was the bright kid who was motivated to go the extra mile and always 'excelled' . It was because i didn't feel like I was good enough, and grades/prizes gave me validation. I would say if your kids feel comfortable to be themselves, and they already know what matters to them and live their lives in a way where they are spending the majority of their time on the things that really matter to them, then you haven't 'failed' - you are raising people with everything they need to live happy (aka successful) lives.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cs4SYOTr-Yo/?igsh=NTFlOXN4N3FyaHlq

Your Children are allowed to be their own person. Yes, as a parent we want the best for them but ultimately as long as you support them and build their confidence then it’s up to them if they want to do extra curricular and work hard studying. It means absolutely nothing anyway. How well they will succeed in life is not determined solely by school and certainly not by bloody awards. They’ll mature and find their own way, whatever that is. As long as they are happy and it sounds like they’ll have good options due to having good gcse passes. That’s all that matters.
And you don’t live with your friends. No child is as you depict 24/7. I bet they have their own less than desirable and qualities or occasions where their behaviour is not great. You’ll never be told about this.

Please don't do this to yourself. It really is just a matter of waiting until the children are ready. My friend had a son who was very dismissive of school work and most other things that she just didn't know what to do. One day out of the blue - maybe 15 or 16 he seemed to wake up and took his school work more seriously and did very well for himself eventually.
Even if they 'wake up' later rather than earlier with the example you've shown them which is working they will come to the conclusion that if you want things the best way is get the best job which could mean putting it in the effort at school/ college. Your doing a great job . Give yourself a break x

Some kids are not academically minded. It doesn't mean they won't do well in life.

Find their passions. They'll do amazingly if they are interested in it.

As long as they're happy and functioning members of society, I wouldn't worry so much. And definitely don't compare, they'll sense you're disappointed they aren't your friends kids and it will do irreparable damage to your relationship.

^^
Perhaps you are sending a message to your kids that they are not good enough for you.
^^
Then they must think that there’s no point in ’going the extra mile’ because you do not give them credit for work well done
I know what is like to have a mother who always wanted to know why I hadn’t got better marks, or why so-and-so got more than me, even though I was well within the top half. Not feeling good about has stayed with me, until I met my current partner who built my confidence and I achieved an honours degree with the Open University. Even then my mother had to criticise :
”They say it’s [the OU] not as good as others”

Please don’t fall into the trap of comparing your children with others - there will be interests that they are better suited to

@Coco1379 this is also true. I did fantastically well through school and it became expected and then focus was on where I didn't do so well. It made me wonder what the point was.

I still ended up with decent qualifications and I have a good job, but to be honest I value my home life more, which is obviously a good thing, but may be because I never felt like I was quite good enough to excel long term.

I wonder if they compare your parenting like your compare your kids?

Speaking plainly you are making one of the gravest mistakes a parent can make. Worked as a teacher for over 25 years and what you are doing is is the basis of the commonest sources of misery from from young people.

Parents often come to me wringing their hands with questions such as yours, and ask me to 'make them want to work harder..' etc. etc. I'm powerless to do this. Anyone is.

Your children are not there to gratify you. They are not extensions of your own life. They are not there to validate your identity. They are not there to reinforce your own values. They are individuals with their own lives.

Right now you have a chance to back off before you do any permanent damage to your relationship. You have a choice about how that relationship is going to be in your later life. It's your choice and the outcome depends on how you adjust your attitude right now. Back off.

Your kids sound like me when I was their age. Bright, found school easy, but did the bare minimum. It was only when it came to A Level time and I got to choose some subjects and really develop an interest that I began to work hard and excel. Sounds like your kids haven’t found their passions yet. Don’t judge them, they’re still becoming themselves.

I think you've sort have let your friends set the rules and expectations of child behaviour and excellence. And. You're misguided.

I ran a weekly after school homework club for my kids and their friends from age 6-14, teaching competitive times-tables and maths, accompanied by junk food. Too right they all enjoyed it. Especially when they did better than others in class at times-tables and maths. I expect your friends' children, with school teacher grandparents, who looked after them after school, had a similar advantage. But btw it took a lot of time and energy on my part. Just saying, if you help them be in the top performing 50% of kids their class, that's where they want to stay. (And btw all Sept-Dec born children have a natural age development advantage.)

But then on the other hand, my youngest has a mensa IQ of 156. She's predicted to get mostly 7-8's in GCSE's. You could argue I'm a lousy parent for not expecting grade 9's in every subject. And yet those grades are good enough for everything she next wants to do in A levels, which will determine her university.

With your children, work out what they need to achieve for the next step. Not how they compete against the "perceived perfect" children.

How they dress? Don't even get into that one. I'd slightly worry about children who are always impeccably turned out to adult standard. Because that's generally not a peer-to-peer requirement or expectation among their friends.

Politeness - Your children know how to be polite. Congratulations. You've achieved success. Pat yourself on the back.

Extracurriculars - Seriously, debating, politics, creative writing for teenagers? I'm an Oxford Uni English MA, but my kids extra c's were/are pond dipping, girl guides, cadets, DofE, volunteering, environmentalism, litter picking and shovelling bird, pig and goat poo weekly at a bird sanctuary. (The last two, her idea, and I had all the fun of accompanying her and joining in.)

Just don't be confined and repressed by your friends' choices. We mostly all pick activities, battles and encouragement with our kids for the things that fit comfortably with our lives. Every family is different. Every family and parent has different strengths and weaknesses.

Your kids are bright, healthy, doing well enough at school. You don't mention what their likes, dislikes, interests, things that make them feel happy and confident in themselves are.

But stop comparing. Just work out how to best support your kids to the next step, until they work out what they want to do in life.

I think that's your answer. Excessive screen time has a huge affect on motivation and achievement because it's addictive. Just as other addictions are damaging to adults motivation to work and manage life effectively, screen addictions - phone, gaming, social media - become the focus instead of school work, clubs, social interactions.
But it sounds like your kids are doing fine.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and the trouble is, the more you push and nag them, the more it teaches them not to take responsibility for their own lives, decisions and practice self discipline.
And it will make them less likely to do what you want them to anyway.
Give them autonomy, respect their own decisions and personalities.Gentle and appropriate guidance or discussion may be helpful sometimes, but ultimately they need to choose their own path, and the main thing is that they are happy, and able to feel confident that their decisions are allowed and considered, even if that doesn't look like what your own 'ideal' is.

My dad wanted me to be an academic classical music loving devout roman Catholic.I complied (somewhat begrudgingly) for many years, but it all backfired when i had the confidence to stop.The results were me becoming a rebellious teen/adult with an often difficult and fractured relationship with him.Because he didn't respect or value who I wanted to be, as it wasn't in line with his ideals.
The straw that broke the camels back was when one day he told me he was ashamed to have someone like me as a daughter.
No apology fixed that.I remembered it forever after, and the relationship sort of ticked over in a rather superficial way, with repeated conflicts, until he passed away.

I’d urge caution. My mother is insanely driven and both she and my father pushed me very hard. As a result (or maybe that’s just my personality anyway) I’m absolutely allergic to competitiveness. To the point where I fell sorry for ultra competitive people because I see it as a sign of insecurity. I do well at things that I’m interested in because I enjoy them, but struggle to put in effort with things I don’t enjoy. I actually did well academically, but more so once I was able to choose my own path. My parents’ pushiness had the exact opposite effect and I’ve stepped well away from the things they tried to force me into.

Give your children the time and space to be themselves and find their own way. Within reason - if they were on course for, say, dire A level results, that’s a different story - but it doesn’t sound like it’s the case here. Pushing them to be ambitious for ambition’s sake could well have the opposite effect!