To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

Fwiw I didn't put much effort in at their ages either because I found it all easy so I didn't need to. When it came to it though at Uni and I had to actually work I did and I did fine.

You're an idiot. Care about whether they're happy not about why they're not ambitious. Their capability to be happy and successful is not impacted by this.

This isn't healthy.

You need to work on your mindset and attitude as it's corrosive to your families wellbeing.

Please don't compare your children to other people's children - they are their own people and I bet your friends children aren't nearly as perfect as you think. Your kids sound like pretty good kids. If I were you, I'd be asking myself why you're so concerned with them 'achieving' and being interested in the extracurricular activities you think they should be doing.

Not sure the op is coming back she’s sitting being judgey and disappointed in her own children,wishing they were better, whilst failing herself, doubt she wants to hear anything that doesn’t make her feel she’s right and her kids are the issue,

I guess we just have to meet our children where they are at, rather than where we want them to be?

My DC are much younger and both have SEN, working WAY below age related expectations. I can't predict the future, but it's likely neither will ever even be 'average'.

I don't compare them with other children because...I don't know why; I just never have. There's no point, as they are the two I've got and that's my only frame of reference.

I'd love my DC to not struggle as much as they do, but comparing them to their peers wouldn't help the situation, would it?

I think it's sad that you have the mindset that you do.

Thank you so much for this message. The pressure I was put on as a teenager because I was perceived as high flying was insane and counter productive. I hope the OP sees this because honestly that kind of pressure can be so damaging for children.

This is why people should have therapy and deal with their trauma before having kids

Geez, poor kids!

Your kids are fine.

Presumably you didn't have children to bask in their reflected glory. Be proud of their achievements, yes, but they don't define you. Your kids are their own people and you need to support them but ultimately give them the space to be so. If you're unhappy about how your own life has turned out and what you have achieved, that's on you not them.

Very few of us live up to our parents' hopes and dreams for us. Most of us are average, with various strengths and weaknesses. And yet we place the same burden of expectation on our own children.

Do your children have some good friends ? Are they able to think about themselves, other people and the future with curiosity and kindness ? Are they healthy ?
Do your family have enough money to eat well and heat your home ?
It sounds like all of the above apply OP.
You are so very lucky. Love your children and be grateful for all you have. Stop chasing some bullshit idea of (over ) achievement equalling happiness .

perhaps let your children BE children not mini adults

He was fortunate that he got those grades in the early 2000s. If he left school with those grades today I'd be much less confident that he'd be able to look forward to a "fab salary".

He was fortunate that he got those grades in the early 2000s. If he left school with those grades today I'd be much less confident that he'd be able to look forward to a "fab salary".

That’s a fair point. I’m in that cohort & having a degree was enough. The managers above me were not required to have degrees. The generations coming after me need to have specific degrees with a good grade.

My mum shouted at us three in the car once. "Why can't you be more like them?!" Pointing to those type of children you describe. One of my brothers responded "Because we don't have their mother." Hurtful and absolutely crushed mum on her last nerve. The reason I am sharing this. Because they are different people. You enjoy your telly time with your children but complain they are not doing other things that the other children do. Which by your own admission they probably don't have time to watch T.V. You seem to envy children that are told to go do extracurricular activities (whether they want to or not) because the mother said so. Those children have a very different home life to yours. Also, noone ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. Enjoy your children and push them if you want, but you may end up pushing them out the door. The very polite family, might be an estranged family in years to come.

@aseekingseeker you keep asking why . The answer is pretty simple really. They are their own people,with their own personalities wants and needs. There is no magic formula. There is no guarantee that having the upbringing their friends have they'd turn out the same. It's also irrelevant who you were ,how you were as a child and still are as an adult. They are not an extension of you. They are also not a reflection of you.

In some posts you seem to take their "being" almost like a personal slight. Like you would with an appliance where you do everything right and look after it but still doesn't perform as you want it to. It's hard enough to get identical results in machines every single time, much less in humans.

Accept your kids for who they are, parent the kids you have and learn to take pride and be happy in who they are.

P.S. be careful with the comparisons, because some kids will definitely give up trying (especially if it's easier and it gives them enjoyment) if they start thinking no matter how hard they try it's still not good enough. Like trying hard in a test, but then being pulled up for an untucked shirt.

Wow lots to go through here. Thanks for all the messages, many constructive, helpful and kind @candyisdandybutliquorisquicker just to mention one of many - thanks.

I should add the title etc was slightly tongue-in-cheek/exaggerated as in the past when I've posted, not many people have replied! But I am honest when I say that I wish sometimes that some of the behaviours of the other kids, my kids would display. But I love them unconditionally and I know they know that.

For the record:

• My kids are happy, have lots of friends, are most definitely not people-pleasers or 'under the whip'. They are funny and we do laugh at their untidiness etc but it also annoys me at times that they could try harder.
• The prize thing I mentioned (being honest, but as I said, I'm not one who would have put that on SM or mentioned to others so it's not the bragging) as I've seen those kids with prizes put these on their CVs/personal statements and it's a competitive world out there.
• I adore my friends' children and they are definitely not robots, they are on their phones at times and does gaming but much less than others (which is a good thing) but mine are not on theirs all the time either. They are not an authoritarian family.
• Comparisons are NOT done in front of the kids. It's in my head and I'd actually not swap my kids for a million, I love them unconditionally and they know that. But I can't help feeling it would be easier and less stressful sometimes having 'those other kids'. And I do find the scruffiness testing as their school is hot on it.
• I work p/t as I have been very lucky to after uni etc now be in a role that is extremely well paid and so I don't need to work more. Plus I like to be home when the kids get home from school and I have other caring responsibilities too. I was dedicated as a c hild - but I'm not a perfectionist - and was very driven to succeed at school/uni. I did have a very good memory so lucky that I still had plenty of time to socialise/party etc. I come from a very poor working class b/g myself; my kids have never had to fight for anything.
• Behaviour - my kids have never had an individual detention etc so they're fine but can be a bit arsy at times (with us!).
• The reason I get frustrated is that I continually tell them - when they say others get higher marks because they're smarter - that it's not that but that those kids just work harder. I might have to let it go but it's frustrating, I have to admit.

Things to take home: agree, I need to just let it go, we are a happy family with kids who are themselves, sociable and with no anxiety issues.

The ADHD things is interesting; I hadn't considered that but looking into it, a lot of things fit with one of them in particular.

I definitely don't expect perfection but, in the important years at school, I wish they would do themselves the favour to work a bit harder and it will be so much less stressful in the end. Guess, I wish I knew I could bottle the 'work ethic/drive' and share it with my kids. Also need to get them to do more around the house!]

A friends daughter has just started a college course after only attending school on reduced hours which I know is slightly different to your situation.
She is now doing a part time college course in some form of IT after doing a works experience at a company where her mums friend works. Although it's hard for her, she seems to be finding her place/her people where she is comfortable.
even though I'm an ex teacher married to a HT I have to say that school is a crap place for many kids for different reasons !

Yep but it might not work out better. And easier isn't always better.

I'd have not met the love of my life (and had a life that suits me) if I'd not failed my A levels. He's a straight A/ top 1st student and he often doesn't appreciate what it's like not to succeed. He worked harder tho but is burnt out now.

I think I have more resilience and it serves me well.

@aseekingseeker by all means assign chores and jobs to them. That's just raising them to be functioning grownups. DD is 12 and she's in charge of the bedroom, putting her shirts to soak on a Friday , doing the little bins and doing the dishes every night. Plus whatever else might need doing that we need help with, but those are her regular chores.

As for the work ethic, you can teach it but it's hard when it's not intrinsic. When they don't have the drive or care or get the internal reward for a job well done. However, that doesn't mean it will always be the case. That can change in the future as they grow up , find their passion/interest,get jobs, want recognition etc.

Your children sound absolutely fine. It is not a good idea to compare and certainly not to let the children know if you do, that just breeds resentment. They are all different and there's no reason to suppose yours won't do quite well. The important thing is that they live their own lives. As they get older they will develop interests and ambitions off their own bat. I don't think you are doing anything wrong other than making comparisons!

I have only one child, now almost mid-forties, who was always considered (by school), to be of very high intelligence and gifted. There is no way he would ever have put himself out for anything that didn't interest him and used to get into trouble for skiving, though generally liked, was easy going and kind. Other kids of his age outstripped him but he did shine in some areas, in a casual way:-). The teachers used to almost tear their hair out.

He dropped out of sixth form after one year, wanting to do his own thing. I accepted that, not sure my husband did but he was a good, loving dad and came round in the end. It doesn't sound as though your children will do that so please don't worry!

We did lots of fun things as a family, encouraged learning without being pushy, and my attitude was that it would work itself out eventually. I was aware of how well his friends were doing, and some of course who did not, but never made comparisons. I had enough of that when I was a kid.

Now he is a high achiever, following his own path, is quite brilliant and well respected.

From what you say, you have nothing to worry about. Relax and enjoy life, I'm sure you are a great mum and wish you and yours every good fortune.

OP please do take on board previous comments.

If prizes matter to you then get yourself enrolled into some courses or teams and get them yourself. Your kids are not extensions of you, and do not exist to meet your incredibly high standards.

Their parent's unconditional love, embracing your children as individuals, allowing them to pursue what they enjoy, not measuring them by narrow minded measures such as GCSE results is the most precious gift you can give your children. It will also provide a steady base of self esteem and self worth for them which is of far greater benefit than any 9* grade.

Don't do this to them.

I am not a competitive type and my DH and DD are. My son is is like me and sounds like your children. My DH finds it very frustrating with my DS as he can't understand it (pretty much like you describe), why DS is happy to do enough and not to try to 'be the best'.

I don't think you need to worry too much about this. In life I have done really well despite my 'lazy' attitude. I am not lazy, I always do what I need to do, I never let people down and I have a very senior role which many people couldn't handle because of the pressure and stress. I can because of my chilled personality. So it's not a flaw for life necessarily. It can be very useful.

I absolutely despise braggy parents.

I have a 6 year old (almost 7 now) who has ASD and ADHD and really struggles academically. He is essentially, a year behind his peers.

There are some parents in the same class who will post up in group seesaw chat with their kids reading books far more advanced very fluently etc. Non stop as well.

Until you have a child who has SEN, you will not understand how utterly heartbreaking it is for us parents. We celebrate small wins - like our children being able to read a book for somebody age 4 or can finally do a basic sum and O find the constant stream of these braggy posts very disheartening.

I just turned off the notifications and learned to view my child as an individual.

As long as he is becoming better each day than he was the previous, then other children dont concern me.

I was a very academic child, very smart etc and I am now in a similar job to some people who were not as bright! They are doing as well as me!

School is not the be all and end all, and lives can change a lot well into adulthood.

Erm no. Absolutely not linked to high emotional intelligence. Quite the opposite in fact.

Read the wise posts in this thread and you'll see why.