Life feels like I am going to drown with dc. What would you do?

[Socksfortea]

I only have one dc, will be 2 in October. I am a single parent, ex sees dc weekly for the full day. Dc quite clingy with me and ex is not very confident parenting but he does help and will let me crack on with jobs in the house etc while he entertains dc. I think he’s terrible for only doing one day a week but it’s a conversation we’ve had many times, he won’t change.

At the moment I work Monday to Wednesday and use holiday Thursday and Friday. Had a lot left over from mat leave and wanted to cut nursery cost and spend as much time with dc so they didn’t have to be in nursery much. I’m finding it so hard! Had to pick dc up a couple of times with a temperature so then I’m not doing well at work. I have to do 15 things before even dropping dc at nursery and starting work. I feel like I’m on a treadmill that I can’t get off even though I feel close to falling.

When I’m at home with dc it is HARD. Nothing I do is right? Dc is pretty chilled and does nap and isn’t difficult but what can you do with a child this small? We do go out but as they’re not walking i find it physically horrendous to pack up the car, lift pushchairs, carry them in and out of the car and into high chairs. My back hurts from the resistance with nappy changes. I know I sound pathetic, I’m not very physically strong so it’s my fault, but I just feel 80% of the day is getting through with some minor enjoyment. I am not sure if dc is happy. They cry at the slightest thing. I do try my best. I know I could go back to work 5 days a week but nursery cost would be truly awful and I didn’t want to have dc there more than 3 days a week while so young. I don’t have practical family support.

I didn’t imagine it like this? I don’t know who I am anymore. My friend said to book myself into a spa but the sad thing is that even on 55k I don’t have a penny left over for myself. It’s not an option to do such things. I look really awful too. I feel I’ve aged 5 years in the last two.

I just have to carry on don’t I. I am struggling.

Op It’s so hard. I struggle so much with keeping my house tidy with the kids about. X

Can these friends of yours have him for a couple of extra hours one day so you can have a break? Or take an extra day annual leave on one of his nursery days and do a home spa day.

He'll be walking and talking soon, you might find that makes things easier, and the weather will improve. It sure is a slog when you don't have anyone to hand off to.

OP it is really hard, I feel much the same although I'm not a single parent so I have more support. I look the worst I've looked in my life as I have no time for myself day to day and if I get a few hours free I just vegetate as im so tired. I have no advice but you are not alone xx

A lot of what you said sounds very typical of life with small children. It IS hard, but especially as you're on your own with no family to help. I don't really have any advice but to tell you it gradually gets easier, without you even noticing. Self doubt is really normal but it sounds like you're doing a good job of balancing everything.

Why is the dad only doing childcare once a week?

It is just that hard at the moment. As you are a single parent, everything is down to you and you do not get a break. Be gentle with yourself and keep you expectations realistic. For example, you do not have to be out and about all the time, your child is benefiting from having you around.
Good luck.

Would your friend help out at all? One day may not make a massive difference but it will give you time to reset.

Could you afford half a day of nursery on one of your days off?

It’s really hard, especially on your own but give yourself some credit. It gets easier, I promise.

OP it’s super hard anyway with young DCs but on your own is even harder. You’re definitely not alone. You’re bound to feel stressed but you are doing it! You are working hard, keeping your DC in a positive relationship with their father, DC is chilled and naps so it sounds to me like you’re a great Mum OP you’re doing a great job!
A few ideas:
Could you be suffering with depression/anxiety? Worth a trip to GP perhaps.
I’m thinking it would be good for you to meet other Mums.
Are there any church groups near you that offer warm space, play groups etc? You don’t need to worship as many churches are all about community and have lots of support to offer families. Often free too.
Is there a library near you? Could you go to rhyme time?

Sending hugs to you OP. Parenting is hard but you are doing it! Pat yourself on the back x

I was left alone with a 2 year old and a 6 week old. I've posted before about this, but here's some of what I did that might be applicable (some might not):

1. Make everything as easy as possible. Let yourself have ready meals more than usual.
2. Balance the above with trying to eat well. I know it's bottom of your to-do list right now but more fruit and veg will give you the vitamins and energy to get out of the rut.
3. You don't have time to do anything for yourself or connect with who you are as a person independent of a mother/employee right now. You need to prioritise this sometimes. I just did little things. Taking DD out when I knew she was about to nap so she napped in her car seat, and then while she was asleep going to the drive-thru and getting a coffee then sitting in my car on my laptop writing, or reading a book. Taking DD to a shopping centre or the library when I knew she was about to nap so she napped in her pushchair and I could do my own thing with some space for me. An hour here and there is doable if you time it right and while there are other things that seem more important, you need to squeeze some you-time in somewhere.
4. Try to get out every day. Just leave your front door with your pushchair and walk around. Deep and profound walks we have had include: Looking at a spider's web on next door's hedge. Looking at frosty grass and touching it. Splashing in puddles with their hands before they can walk and with feet once walking (a puddle suit is best for this, I put them in shorts under puddle suit to minimise laundry). Parking the pushchair where they can safely see a busy road and letting them watch the cars, you can point out lorries and tractors. Looking at leaves on the floor. Last night DS wouldn't sleep so I put him in his coat, took him outside and we looked up at the stars. It doesn't have to be anything Instagrammable, and it's for you as much as the child. Just being outside will help you feel better. For bigger days out once a week, we go to feed the nearest ducks, or go to soft play. I find it helps with a sense of purpose to be going out a lot.
5. If your pushchair is too heavy for the car then get a cheap lightweight umbrella buggy (they're fine at this age).
6. If you're struggling with lifting the child in and out of the car seat, we picked up a swivel one for £100 from Smyths 2 months ago. It gets easier when they're old enough to face forward though. Don't ever carry the child in the car seat at this age, it's exhausting and unproductive.
7. If you are having trouble with housework, let your standards go a bit and catch up when you can. No one died from having a big pile of laundry!
8. Go to bed when they do at night (or as close to it as you can). They won't ever let you sleep in, and sleep deprivation is a monster at this age, still! I used to spend an hour tidying up, drink a hot drink in the silence then go to bed with them.

It is relentless but it gets easier!

@MuggleMe its just not possible. My friends work and/or have kids themselves. My closest friends are not immediately local either. I don’t feel able to ask that or that it would be right or fair.

I have wondered if it would be better when he’s talking and walking but everyone says ‘just wait until they’re 2’ and I feel like there’s no end in sight at all

@Mamatoawonderfulboy i do that too I just stop and sit in the mess as I otherwise have zero time. I look so old these days. I was shocked when I caught myself in the mirror the other day, I just look awful.

@Ryeman i keep hearing the worst is yet to come with terrible twos and it’s making me so low

It is hard - especially doing it on your own.

You ask what you could do with him - I think it might help to remember that all the things you are doing every day are play to him: putting clothes in the machine, scrubbing potatoes, mopping the floor, making the bed, washing up etc. etc. Let him join in - things will get done more slowly and not as efficiently but it will be good time spent together.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash because that’s what he wants and you can’t force someone to be a decent parent. I’ve tried.

Winter is the hardest. Trapped indoors, crap everywhere, moods and tempers kicking off. Spring will bring a whole fresh outlook.

I once had to run to the shop to buy a curly wurly to bribe DS to let me dress him before nursery - I had to get to work and there was no time for 'gentle parenting'.

DS slept in with us too, for years. Fuck it, what happens in the house stays in the house.

@SisterMichaelsHabit wow, thank you very very much. That sounds crazy you had a two year old and 6 week old, did he just opt out completely? I truly don’t want another relationship after DC’s dad’s behaviour. I am nice to him to keep the peace but he is a truly despicable man with no moral compass sadly.

How do you suggest she makes him do more?

He doesn't want to do more, you can't generally make adults do things!

@WagWoofWalkMeeoow She can always ask again, he's a parent too, so why should he be let off the hook?

Physically wise can you try and get him more independent?
At 2, try toilet training or have a step him can climb up to changing area.
Encourage him climbing in and out of the car seat himself, and then you just strap in
Get a toddler highchair, we use stokke Tripp trapp and have used without the baby set from about 18 months, so 3 year old just climbs up and down himself. Other brands will do similar
Pram, most they can climb in and out themselves at 2, just help with hand and balance if needed
Toddler toilet step at side of bath so he climbs in and out himself with you holding his hands.
Basically anything that you keep lifting him for try and alternative

My heart goes out to you, it really does. When you said your ex has DC one day a week I imagined you getting a day to yourself but instead you're getting on with jobs in the background! I would say GO OUT. Get a tiny bit of distance and freedom. Treat yourself to something small and inexpensive. Just try and carve out a nice moment for you.

You don't mention what ex is contributing financially? He should cover the extra 2 days of nursery financially if he won't look after your DC. Easier said than done I know. And you'll get your free nursery hours when they turn 3 or possibly sooner given they are reforming the policy. My DS is 5 now so I'm past all of this but I hated being stuck at home with a baby. It does pass though and walking, talking kids are much better company. Hang in there.

Oh, so so sorry @Socksfortea! I have just felt so so sad at your plight. I would like to scoop you up into a squishy hug.

I am sending positives thoughts your way with all my might.

The only thing we can rely on is the passing of time, I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll be looking at a grown man with a beard soon, and you know what, at that time, you just might miss your cute little soft baby…

Try to make some memories for the future you can look back on together, make up some songs, some silly dances, some special routines, funny nicknames, children can have such a wonderful sense of humour! Might getting a pet lift your spirits? They can be terrific company!

The despicable man, is it possible to some how praise and bribe him into more babysitting? Many men will do a lot for some praise and being bigged up as the big man worthy of supreme respect…. Do you think you could fake it to get some more you time?

I wonder if there are other Mumsnetters who don’t live very far that would be willing to join you for a chat while the children play?

There’s lots to still do In the winter with a toddler - you don’t have to be stuck at home alone with him /her .

go swimming , bike ride on the back of your bike , soft play , playgroups , playgrounds . Kids are easy to entertain they don’t need lots spending on them at this age . Just get the buggy and go.

But you don’t sound a very confident mum so I’d try and go to more playgroups etc where you can pick up off other mums how they manage

This is good advice.

How did this situation arise?

On the terrible twos thing - honestly I have always enjoyed 2 more than earlier ages. Once they are walking and talking and you can have more of a conversation life is easier. Don’t dread it. You might enjoy that stage more than you’re in at the moment.

Please keep posting here as often as you need for as long as you need.

I think you might be a little bit depressed?

It might be worth speaking to your GP who may be able to sign post you to local support groups. I am told there are some social inclusion services that are run now post covid. Free exercise classes, coffee mornings, that sort of thing…