Life feels like I am going to drown with dc. What would you do?

[Socksfortea]

I only have one dc, will be 2 in October. I am a single parent, ex sees dc weekly for the full day. Dc quite clingy with me and ex is not very confident parenting but he does help and will let me crack on with jobs in the house etc while he entertains dc. I think he’s terrible for only doing one day a week but it’s a conversation we’ve had many times, he won’t change.

At the moment I work Monday to Wednesday and use holiday Thursday and Friday. Had a lot left over from mat leave and wanted to cut nursery cost and spend as much time with dc so they didn’t have to be in nursery much. I’m finding it so hard! Had to pick dc up a couple of times with a temperature so then I’m not doing well at work. I have to do 15 things before even dropping dc at nursery and starting work. I feel like I’m on a treadmill that I can’t get off even though I feel close to falling.

When I’m at home with dc it is HARD. Nothing I do is right? Dc is pretty chilled and does nap and isn’t difficult but what can you do with a child this small? We do go out but as they’re not walking i find it physically horrendous to pack up the car, lift pushchairs, carry them in and out of the car and into high chairs. My back hurts from the resistance with nappy changes. I know I sound pathetic, I’m not very physically strong so it’s my fault, but I just feel 80% of the day is getting through with some minor enjoyment. I am not sure if dc is happy. They cry at the slightest thing. I do try my best. I know I could go back to work 5 days a week but nursery cost would be truly awful and I didn’t want to have dc there more than 3 days a week while so young. I don’t have practical family support.

I didn’t imagine it like this? I don’t know who I am anymore. My friend said to book myself into a spa but the sad thing is that even on 55k I don’t have a penny left over for myself. It’s not an option to do such things. I look really awful too. I feel I’ve aged 5 years in the last two.

I just have to carry on don’t I. I am struggling.

From what I read he isn’t even doing that. He’s just helping the OP out one day a week.

OP your ex needs to take your chid some where which isn’t your home so you can have a break and maybe even do a couple of things so you’re ahead for the week.

I think the situation is such that you might benefit from going to stay with a friend or relative for a week… a change of scene and air can do wonders.

Please do talk to others.

I really hope some more vipers will be along in a minute with more hands on tips and tricks!

Just to say that I have consistently found parenting easier with every month and year that goes by!

You poor thing, it sounds super hard. Focus on getting baby down into bed at a consistent time so that you have an hour to yourself every evening. Lean on things like the organised mum method to automate as much of the crap. Drop your standards across the board. Keep going.

@YellowJules thanks. He is quite a difficult person but yes I think he does respond well to praise or feeling like he’s doing something significant. He gets a lot of praise and admiration at work so obviously anything domestic doesn’t do it for him. I have considered playing the long game and trying to get him to take pity on me but then my pride often gets the better of me. I don’t know. I don’t like him to think I am struggling as I feel ashamed and want to save face. Silly I know. I could probably get him to do something specific with dc without me but often he will get sentimental and say he wants us all to go and dc wants me there too. And the annoying thing is dc does want me there and probably has a nicer time when we are all together so I’ve just put up with it all. He doesn’t even ask about dc in the week! I feel so alone.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I can't make things easier for you, other than to say your situation is not unique. Many parents feel this way, especially when the children are very young. I know we did and there were two of us chipping in most days, except when work took me away from home. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You sound like you are doing the right things, despite a less than perfect relationship with dad. So be kind to yourself, it does get easier.

@Iwishiwasasilentnight he probably would do this if I pressed for it but it would be stressful for me as I would have to prepare it all, explain to him what dc needs etc. One time he left dc in a poo nappy thinking it was fine. The man is highly educated and so I was repulsed he didn’t even think to Google that to check. He will do what I ask where dc is concerned but I would literally have to write it out for a plan for the day. It’s exhausting and frustrating so I don’t bother in the end.

You don't sound pathetic. It is very hard, and even harder on your own. It will get better as he grows. Set a low bar. If he is fed and reasonably clean and happy, that's enough.

"Terrible twos" isn't a thing for all toddlers. Mine were fine, so don't assume it'll be even more difficult. It may not be

Ruthless decluttering helps me to feel calm and in control

And open the windows in the morning, for a blast of cool air. It's quite invigorating

Dc do cry and tantrum a lot at this age. Doesn't mean he is not happy. I was an SAHM and mine were still unhappy!

The father, once he gets used to the routine you’ve laid out, you won’t constantly need to keep doing out and you will have bought yourself some valuable time for the future, invest in that “training” now to reap the rewards later.

@Socksfortea where does your ds dad live, does he live on his own?
If it were me, I would write a 'keeping ds alive' type list, I did it on handover to grandparents etc when they initially started looking after my dc when they were young, so that they knew the rough routine of where DC were at, include basics about nappy/nap times/foods they will eat, after awhile I didn't really need to anymore as they were in tune with them at that point. Give a change bag with roughly what is needed nappywise/change of clothes and then say you have to be somewhere else for an hour and go. Keep doing this and increase the time until such point your ex and ds are used to each other without you there and then suggest ex takes ds to where he lives or out for the day because you have other things to do....he is an ex and you need to work out if he is hanging around for your ds or you.

Sending sympathy. This is, I think, the hardest stage before they are 2. They can't communicate much yet but have so much energy. It is exhausting and relentless. However it will get easier.

In the meantime, on 55k you could afford an au pair if you have a spare room. They only do light childcare duties but you would have a daily helper there, another adult in the house and a babysitter so that you can get help on your work days if l.o. is I'll and once a week you could have a long bath with candles, a glass of wine and a good book! Forget a spa! You can have a weekly treat for you for a lot less.

Pushchairs don't have to be heavy. Check out umbrella fold strollers now that your little one is able to sit up. They are liftable with one hand, and fine for short trips out. Stick a blanket on the seat in cold weather.

I also found it helped loads to break the day up by having a timetable at home. You don't have to stick to it, but it's there to take away some of the lifesuckingly depressing drudge out of deciding what to do next on a rainy day. (And don't forget that your little one can have 2 baths a day if they enjoy playing in water!)

Eg 6.30 - 7.00 telly time and drink
7.00 Morning bath
7.45 breakfast
8.15 Duplo
8.45 Making towers and bashing them
9.00 Nap time
10.00 Drink and then balloons
10.30 Walk outside. Take bread for birds
11.15 Books
Etc, etc. it sounds exhausting written down, but as I say, you don't have to stick to it, if something better comes along

Best of luck.

I found the lack of sleep definitely made ages 1-3 particularly challenging I remember suddenly knocking out on the floor with her walking about and waking up in shock!
It does get easier although parenting is just tough so you always have to find time for yourself and maybe read a self help book or go for a walk/run or coffee just to clear the negative thoughts. It takes me an hour of trying to persuade DD to go to school in the mornings often with tantrums so I can empathise with the morning struggle before your real work has even started. DD is a nightmare to put to bed at night and I can never finish the kitchen chores. But I have had to let go and accept the mess. Watching minimalism videos on youtube has massively helped with this.
Every few months seems to bring a new challenge but now aged 4 we have coffee together and do a magazine, play card games and she often tells me things that motivate me like saying I’m her big sister and I’m the best mummy etc so hang in there as the best is yet to come!

It's definitely hard OP, it's not that you're doing it wrong. Is it possible to set up a changing station at the right height so you can kneel down or have a stand at waist height and not strain back. Could you leave a set of things in car that you don't need to carry as much. Could you declutter in a major way to make life easier at home, just keep the skeleton amount of 'kit'. Life is easier with less stuff. Go easy on yourself it gets easier.

What about his family? Are they not interested?

Not all children are the same though. Both of mine had the “terrible ones” rather than “terrible twos” (and they are otherwise very different children, different academically etc ). So it might well get better, not worse, when they hit two. For me, anything was better than around 18 months when they want to be walking all the time, but fall over or get into some sort of mischief as soon as you turn around for a second or (heaven forbid) straighten your back for a second.

I doubt he's sentimental.

More like you parent and he acts like a friend so it's easier for him if you go too.

Another one here who found 2+ much easier than 1-2. You can do so much more together.

Yy to getting more sleep for you. Once a week I used to eat early, then deliberately go to sleep when my little one went down at 7.30pm. It was life-changing! It set me up so well for the rest of the week. I started when my l o.was about this age too.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash because that’s what he wants and you can’t force someone to be a decent parent. I’ve tried.

shes said he won't in her previous posts. She's commented directly to you.

He WONT & she can't make him!

it has nothing to do with letting him off the hook & everything to do with not being able to make an adult do something they don't want to.

would you just put the bone down?!?!

Well, part of the problem is that even though you'r not together, you're still having to be a mother to your ex too - he can't do the simplest things without your input? what a twat. is he at least paying maintenance?

In your situation, these are the things I'd do:

Go back to work 4 days a week instead of three. Yes, there's an increase in nursery fees but you are more likely to get on top of work and feel happy with it.

Cut yourself some slack - the depth of winter is absolutely the hardest time with very young children. I always found having a very clear plan helped. So if I had the DC on a Friday, I'd have pre-planned an activity. Nothing terribly hardcore - rhyme time at the library or swimming or softly - but it gave me a focus for my day.

Make your ex take him out, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Use that time NOT to do chores, but to sit on the couch reading a book or watching tv. Alternatively, go out when ex is with your DC and meet a friend, join a yoga class, do some window shopping. The rest of the time while your ex is with the baby, sure, if you find it helpful, do the chores you need to do.

Do you have any friends with children you can hang out with sometimes. I always found it easier with other people around. A friend and I would often meet for breakfast or do a late afternoon/early evening hang out, feed the kids together etc.

You have a lot on your plate. I hope you don’t mind me saying, have you talked to anyone about post natal depression? I understand you are overwhelmed etc and understandably feel the way you do, but a lot of what you are saying was how I felt with PND.
you really do need to get out as much as possible. I know it’s hard but staying in at this age is even harder really.

I think your answer has to be to persevere with your DC's father . I do understand how it may seem that it's just easier to do things yourself - but you have many years of being a parent so - write him a list of instructions and leave him to it . He'll only learn by experience .

What financial support does he provide ? Is this realistically enough for you ? Could he support another day's nursery or a couple of hours baby sitting ? Do you have a friend who would be able to babysit for a couple of hours for you ?

I probably wouldn't waste your money on a spa day . A few hours by yourself er home, a nice bath, feet up would probably have the same effect . Or perhaps getting out to meet a friend for coffee . Agree with the poster who says lowering your standards housework wise and eat simple foods.

A thought for your days at home with DC - are there any parent and toddler groups you could join ? An activity for your DC and someone for you to chat to?

I know all DC are different, but FWIW up to around 2 and a half was hardest for us .

@Socksfortea I’d say you’re doing well considering your circumstances. Fair play to you for being organised regarding saving up holidays and using them to spend more time with DC.

The people suggesting you push the father for more childcare .. I’m not sure I would do this. Sometimes it’s not just because we can’t let go or are worriers and so on. Some people usually men just do not see the dangers. The nappy thing is a case in point - obviously it’s not dangerous but if your DC developed nappy rash - who gets to nurse him through that?

Your ex maybe okay as DC grows older and becomes more interesting. Seen that happen a few times. Basks in reflected glory of how good they are at something/will take them places related to their interest.

If you can swallow your pride and play the long game, it may well pay dividends later.

Everythjng @SisterMichaelsHabit said regarding practical stuff was good advice. I’ll repeat: go out once a day to give your day structure.

I cringe at what I looked like when mine were tiny, because I was sooooo exhausted. But it won’t always be like this. Dont listen to the terrible twos nonsense. That’s what it is - nonsense. They’re more fun as they can do more.

The one thing no-one warns you about is that parenting very young children is 99% grinding tedium. We all love our children but there is very little actual joy in singing The Little Green Frog for the 7,899 time while wondering if they will EVER stop whining about nothing! Boring is boring and they can't help it so we soldier in but my god they are so much more fun when they get older and you will get your looks back.

OP, I do recommend play cafes once your little one is old enough to play independently a bit. I take my 21month old regularly and he loves the independence and I can have a cup of tea (and cake) while I keep an eye on him. He comes and checks back in or pulls me over to play with him but it's still out and about and you get a little bit of breathing space.