Life feels like I am going to drown with dc. What would you do?

[Socksfortea]

I only have one dc, will be 2 in October. I am a single parent, ex sees dc weekly for the full day. Dc quite clingy with me and ex is not very confident parenting but he does help and will let me crack on with jobs in the house etc while he entertains dc. I think he’s terrible for only doing one day a week but it’s a conversation we’ve had many times, he won’t change.

At the moment I work Monday to Wednesday and use holiday Thursday and Friday. Had a lot left over from mat leave and wanted to cut nursery cost and spend as much time with dc so they didn’t have to be in nursery much. I’m finding it so hard! Had to pick dc up a couple of times with a temperature so then I’m not doing well at work. I have to do 15 things before even dropping dc at nursery and starting work. I feel like I’m on a treadmill that I can’t get off even though I feel close to falling.

When I’m at home with dc it is HARD. Nothing I do is right? Dc is pretty chilled and does nap and isn’t difficult but what can you do with a child this small? We do go out but as they’re not walking i find it physically horrendous to pack up the car, lift pushchairs, carry them in and out of the car and into high chairs. My back hurts from the resistance with nappy changes. I know I sound pathetic, I’m not very physically strong so it’s my fault, but I just feel 80% of the day is getting through with some minor enjoyment. I am not sure if dc is happy. They cry at the slightest thing. I do try my best. I know I could go back to work 5 days a week but nursery cost would be truly awful and I didn’t want to have dc there more than 3 days a week while so young. I don’t have practical family support.

I didn’t imagine it like this? I don’t know who I am anymore. My friend said to book myself into a spa but the sad thing is that even on 55k I don’t have a penny left over for myself. It’s not an option to do such things. I look really awful too. I feel I’ve aged 5 years in the last two.

I just have to carry on don’t I. I am struggling.

I sympathise completely OP, I found that age to be completely relentless. Whilst at 2 she could generously be described as difficult and has embraced the terrible twos, I still find it easier because she gets enjoyment out of doing things, we can start to have little chats and she understands a lot more. So whilst the temper tantrums are intense for us, on the whole it is easier, so please try not to worry as you don’t know what kind of 2 year old you’ll have. Apparently some bypass the terrible twos altogether!
I echo PP advice to get out everyday one way or another! Fresh air really does help

OP, would I be right in thinking you & the dad have split since your child was born? If so, that is a massive adjustment in mindset from what I would imagine you were expecting from parenting and that is really tough.

I think you should forget about trying to get the dad more involved, approach this as you plus your child are a twosome and do what is right for the two of you. Any extra help you get is a bonus but focus on what you have rather than what could have been. He will be the person who misses out.

Find your silliness and get on the floor with your child and play physically, make up silly games, play peekaboo endlessly, talk, talk, talk some more - the world is fascinating to little ones. Laugh and make your child laugh. If tears or tantrums are on the horizon distraction is your friend - I used to gasp and point to the sky - LOOK - there's a purple dinosaur. Worked every time :)

Winter is not great because weather but spring is on the way and your child will soon be walking. If you have a zoo nearby consider membership - animals, obvs, but also playgrounds, safe areas to run around, other kids.

Consider a childminder instead of or as well as a nursery - childminders are a more homely environment and if you're lucky you ill find someone who can help with wrap around care when your child starts school.

Hold in there, it will get easier, and if you can go with the flow there's lots of fun to be had x

I think I would gradually wean off hopeless dad and start making strategies to function without him. He sound more like a burden than help! Maybe work 4 days a week. If the nursery is good, chances are your little one will enjoy the routine, attention and interaction with other little people.

Have you spoke to the health visitor about DC not walking at 2?

Don't waste your holiday on baby time you're not enjoying, nurseries are full of people that are really really good at playing with babies without going mad.
I find it hard to believe that 55k doesn't allow you full time nursery cover: surely most families are on less than that?
If your ex won't do more childcare will he pay for an extra nursery day? It's no good being precious about your child being in there full time of its running you into the ground. Would you family fund a day?
I was married with my kid but I may as well have been a single parent, I just went to bed when they did pretty much. It's true that things get easier but you just focus on getting through for now and finding something to make you smile every day.

@Socksfortea you have my sympathy it sounds really hard. Really DC is still very small only about 15 months. At this age I remember feeling very overwhelmed as I tried to return to work, keep on top of the house, be with the little one. I did have my DH but he was suffering with depression at the time.
As previous posters have said, try and get out each day even if it is only a walk around the streets for 15 minutes with the pushchair or to a mum and baby group. The fresh air and adult company are very good for you. Lower your standards in terms of housework it needs to be safe for toddler not show home/instagram perfect. I found cooking a big batch of spag bol or a casserole very useful. Portion it up and pop in the freezer to make a quick meal, try and get in the habit of doing some washing each day or two rather than saving it up until the weekend.
Finally could you be suffering with post natal depression, it can sneak up on you.

@gemma19846 not two for another few months

@Twizzletoe thanks. What age did you find it got easier? I can’t see an end in sight at all.

plesse please ignore the ‘wait until hes 2’ comments.
People like to make things sound worse than they are, especially if they are more experienced in some kind of strange smugness.
I cannot explain to you how much easier I found my 2 year old once he could walk. The relentless lifting, pushchair, high chair, carrying him everywhere, shopping, car seats I really hated all of that.
Trust me. My son is 2 and 2 months and it is SO MUCH BETTER. Yeah alright he wanders off a bit sometimes but the little soul listens to me and we walk together and my back is back to pre-pregnancy back. IT DOES GET BETTER xxxx big hugs

My son is a million times more fun to be around at 2 compared to 8 months. I thank my lucky starts he learnt to walk at 9.5 months. It only got better from there and at 2 he’s lovely to be around x

Also remember the nursery funding changes this year so you’ll get 15 free hours, maybe you can increase nursery time if you want to x

My first walked at about 14 months but didn’t sleep reliably til 20 months. He was certainly more settled once he was mobile as he didn’t seem so frustrated.

Go back to work full time. You say you want to be with your child more ‘because he is so young’ but the fact is you are bored out of your skull and hating it. And that’s ok. You will probably enjoy a later stage of his childhood. Not all mums like the toddler stage. And it sounds like he needs weaning off you a bit if he is clingy.
Sympathy OP. It’s hard by yourself. But better that than in bad company.

Dear OP it gets easier, I promise. My DC was a beautifully behaved two year old so don’t listen to other people. I was able to start reading books with her, watch movies ect now she is 4 years old and we have a great time.

i also understand how hard it is to not feel or look yourself, as your DC gets older they will be less reliant on you and will get parts of yourself back ♥️

I also found it much easier from 2 - I think it depends on your and child’s personality tbh. Some 2yos ARE hard work, but not all, and personally I found myself to be much more comfortable with the toddler stage than late infant. They can take care of some of their own needs, are physically more independent, will start to play independently in short bursts. It was 2 steps forward, 1back for me until 3/4ish in that you think things have improved but then they get difficult again (but not as difficult as it was before), and that can be frustrating, but overall it does get a bit easier every month from now.

parenting has its challenges at every age, but by 3 the bone deep exhaustion was well and truly in the past.

I find it so hard with my own year old - so willful and nappy changes are also regularly a battle and he's not yet walking but is so so heavy that carrying about is so hard ! I keep telling myself it'll be easier when he's walking. I moved in with my parents even though I am also to paying to run a flat as it's too hard to do it all alone!

Great advice

Ha my ex has tried this 'it would be better for baby to have both his parents on the outing' ha yeah, it would have been better to have had help with the night feeds and all his cooking and laundry too pal.

This, basically. Don't listen to the doom mongering. I wish people wouldn't say these things especially to parents who are already struggling! I mean, what does it achieve?

every child is different.
my extremely clingy, vomitty, non sleeping, sensitive to everything and everyone baby became INFINITELY easier at 2, in every way imaginable and became an utter joy to be around. I really hope things will get easier for you.

It's hideous, isn't it? I could've written your post out almost word for word.
It does get a bit easier once they start walking, I found the pre-walking stage immensely boring. My DD is now 23 months and we don't take the pram out very much at all as she rarely will go into it, she just wants to walk and be independent! I found the lugging of prams, babies and carseats very physically taxing and stressful.

It is hard, but it gets easier. By two, despite the terrible two's, I still found it easier as they can self entertain more, and although of course you still have to keep an eye on them, they're less likely to fall down the stairs or eat a nail or something. Most of them seem to enjoy "helping" with jobs around this time, too. So getting housework done is time consuming but possible.

Sounds like you are verging on being a bit depressed too. Are you on any medication? It really does help, particularly in the short to medium term, if you don't have the resources to spend hours a week in therapy or doing yoga or having hot baths or whatever.

Try and remember the state of the house really doesn't matter, so long as it is safe. I feel the frustration too, but there's no point stressing about it, if there's no more time to sort it. It will just make you miserable, and in a year you will start having more time to do it again. Ditto about your image - you will have more time to focus on your appearance in what is really not that long, in the great scheme of things. Your body is amazing - it made a person!

Are there any Children's Centres near you? They are really brilliant for support, and carer / toddler groups. If not, I'd really recommend any toddler group. Your baby is a great age to enjoy it, and really it's funny and charming to watch them interact with new toys / other people and children. They normally only cost a couple of quid, and the Children's Centre ones are free x

I think 2 is easier than 1. They start to understand and sometimes follow instruction, and they start telling you what they want.

Also, it sounds like you are quite resentful about your ex. He does sound like a bit of a selfish twat tbf, but he won't change, and it sounds like wasted energy being annoyed with him or trying to persuade him to do more. Hard as it is, I think you might be happier if you managed to let go a bit.

Routine more routine and don’t sweat the small stuff.
And actually the less “ stuff” the better. Clothes, toys, changing gear the lot. Less to worry about.
Also agree with the ex comments. Why is he round at yours? Could you drop your child to his? Limit him to one morning so it’s less of an adjustment for your DC.

@LaurieStrode which situation?

@123bumblebee yes I find it stressful too. Especially in winter I just hate going out. I find it exhausting. I used to take pride in my appearance and enjoy choosing a new outfit etc but that part of me has fully gone.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum what do you do with your ex/how often? I am struggling to navigate that side of things really. I made a huge error in judgement with him sadly.