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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People ending their lives?

264 replies

girlfriend44 · 15/01/2024 21:16

Are more and more people giving up on life? Heard another suicide today and its going to be debated in Parliament tomorrow?

Is it because mental health services are poor, have they always been poor?
Is life just getting harder for people?
Or has it always been hard?

I can remember when suicide was rare now you hear it so much sadly.

OP posts:
SparklyOwls · 15/01/2024 23:39

My cousin committed suicide last year. No warning, one morning just walked out on partner and kids and jumped off bridge. Utterly shocking.

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/01/2024 23:43

Riverlee · 15/01/2024 21:27

Can mumsnet put a trigger warning on this - some people may find it upsetting.

Is the thread title "People ending their lives" not trigger warning enough?

Pigeonqueen · 15/01/2024 23:45

I think life has become pretty meaningless to a lot of people. Lack of belief in an after life, a higher purpose. I’m not religious btw but just pondering. People think you just die and that’s that. There’s a lot of living in the moment now and not giving a shit beyond that, a belief that when you go you just go and that’s that. If life becomes meaningless then so does death. None of it really matters.

XenoBitch · 15/01/2024 23:50

Treeper22 · 15/01/2024 23:20

Absolutely! And there is still, you can see it on this thread, a habit of blaming people. So, they had all the support and they did it anyway so their choice. Not, well perhaps what we are offering is unhelpful or counterproductive or we're not attuning to this person (the amount of mental HCPs who seem incapable of listening is awful). Or they were offered help but refused to accept it and 'put the work in' (one of my most hated therapy phrases). It's like people can't understand that there are rarely any services and what services there are are one-size fits all and move you along as quickly as possible. Some of the services I have engaged with have been laughable if it wasn't so terrifying how so lacking in basic awareness of trauma and effects of early sexual abuse they were.

I've done 20 years of 'putting in the work' and if I finally say I've had enough and people want to call me selfish then that just shows up their ignorance.

If someone has a ton of support and still takes their life... how is it not their choice?

If you are going to blame MH services in that instance, then why not blame family too? My friend killed himself.. was not under MH services... just the care of his family. Was it their fault? They were the only people looking after him.

And I know you are referencing me and my PP about people not accepting help. Believe me, they got offered loads of help.. they did not want to do it. And I have been there myself. I told crisis team that I wanted some dart shot at me to put me to sleep and fix things. Working at my issues was very hard, but the only way out of my slump was to do it.

WristCandy · 15/01/2024 23:52

I’m afraid @Treeper22 that poster may be one of the MH staff who tell desperate, suicidal people that they “have capacity” and so cannot be stopped. A practise which is an absolute disgrace of MH ‘care’. Which of course is usually said in the absence of any real healthcare or support.

Toetouchingtitties · 15/01/2024 23:54

As someone who has attempted in the past and plans to complete in the future, I can confirm that in some areas the MH provision is neglectful. I’ve come across some fantastic nurses and care coordinator’s, but they’re tied to rigid and unaccommodating procedures. Others are just dicks.

No-one should be forced to die a painful death alone, afraid to tell others, unable to say goodbye to their loved ones. More and more violent and visible suicides will occur while the government restricts access to the less painful methods.

I’m a member of a prochoice website; it’s one of the most supportive and non threatening environments I’ve had the privilege of being a member of. People can talk openly about their thoughts and feelings without fear or stigma. You can discuss methods, but it doesn’t actively encourage suicide and a large number of members, like myself, are still alive because we found the website. It’s kept me going for the past 4 years.

The comments I read about it being a temporary solution or selfish or things will get better, while well meaning just underline the lack of understanding of someone who has planned their death. I do agree that for certain mental health conditions, for example psychosis, the mental health act is a useful tool. But non impulsive suicidal people, who have come to the really hard conclusion that death is better than living, should be allowed a choice.

I do feel sorry for those affected by suicide, but it’s outweighed by my sympathy for those that have now stopped whatever pain made them end their life. Survival instinct is exceptionally hard to overcome - if you’ve never been in this situation, you won’t understand the strength and courage it takes to go through with it.

Moier · 15/01/2024 23:54

On average 115 men end their lives ever WEEK in the UK..Suicide is the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 in this country.
On everage 21 women do the same.
Men's are usually mental health problems.. Womens to get away from domestic abuse.
Andys mens club is the biggest prevention of Men's suicide.. l help raise funds.
andysmanclub.co.uk/

The following is a man l loved with all my heart.
And l haven't loved a man scince and never will again.

.

People ending their lives?
alltootired · 16/01/2024 00:02

Middle aged people of both sexes are most likely to kill themselves.
Its hard to believe things are going to get better if they have not by this stage.

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 16/01/2024 00:05

MillicentMaybe · 15/01/2024 23:11

I’ll be 74 next month. I’ll just give up now.

🙄

@MillicentMaybe

@YouJustDoYou said it was herlife limit. Why are you making it all about you?

hellsBells246 · 16/01/2024 00:09

Riverlee · 15/01/2024 21:27

Can mumsnet put a trigger warning on this - some people may find it upsetting.

The thread title is self-explanatory. People don't need to click on it.

Anonymouse2019 · 16/01/2024 00:14

Riverlee · 15/01/2024 21:27

Can mumsnet put a trigger warning on this - some people may find it upsetting.

The trigger warning is the title. Either choose to click on it or not.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/01/2024 00:14

gonetogreece · 15/01/2024 21:41

This thread needs a TW

The title is the TW for goodness’ sake - use your noggin!

NoTouch · 16/01/2024 00:15

I am in my mid 50s and have known too many people who have taken their own lives over the years - a 13 year old classmate at school, a teen friend, an ex bf, my SIL, a 16 year old apprentice I was mentoring at work, a friends dad, one of ds's football team mates dad, and in 35 years of working 4 work colleagues.

All male except for my SIL. Every one with no warning signs that I saw, some seemed to be impulsive others planned, every one left behind devasted families with no answers.

I do see it talked about more, my workplace has support lines, MH first aiders etc, but it doesn't feel any more, or sadly less common than it was 30 years ago to me.

2024GarlicCloves · 16/01/2024 00:19

I just want to say that I am NOT in favour of elective euthanasia, or whatever euphemistic name we might choose for government-approved suicide. A couple of people have mentioned it already, otherwise I'd have kept it for a different thread.

There are edge cases, and they should be carefully considered case by case. UK law is gradually becoming more flexible in such cases. I never want to see "approval" enacted here, no matter how stringent the conditions. Any law that permits killing others will be abused.

The scope for abuse by both individuals' relatives and authorities is frightening to contemplate. Also, I was suicidal for quite a long time despite receiving good MH treatment. Had a formal pathway been available to me, I'd have taken it. Therapy and antidepressants saved my life, but how much neater and cheaper it would have been to kill me!

Canada's MAID (Medically Assisted Dying 🤨) programme will once again make mental illness an eligible condition this March (It's been under review). The government's seriously considering extending the programme to drug addiction and homelessness, and there are already widespread reports of people in poverty being sent MAID information packs.

No, thank you ...

PanickingAgainNow · 16/01/2024 00:38

Justfinking · 15/01/2024 22:42

I've lost someone to this which was devastating. After many years I now have come to terms with it, and I actually think if you want to do it it should be your choice. Why should you have to be miserable each day. I appreciate the saying it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I don't think this is always accurate as some people suffer from depression and bad luck and there doesn't ever seem to be a light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel

I agree. It isn’t really fair to expect someone to live in mental agony when every second is torture.

CustardySergeant · 16/01/2024 01:05

YouJustDoYou · 15/01/2024 21:27

My life limit is 75. I will see how am doing then, then decide how I will proceed. I refuse to rot with my choices taken from me in a carehome etc,

My mother didn't need to go into a care home until she was 98. She lived alone perfectly well until then. The care home was lovely btw.
I am 70 next month. I think having a "life limit" of 75 is a bit young.

alltootired · 16/01/2024 01:23

Living independently until 98 is very rare.
Lots of people die in their seventies. It is not that young.

kisstheblarney · 16/01/2024 01:29

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 15/01/2024 22:25

I don't see it as selfishness at all. I think suicidal people are not in their right mind and can't make rational decisions. They're not able to consider their loved ones' feelings in that state.

They also truly believe the world would be a better place without term.

I get so angry with people who trot out it's selfish!

Selfish??

Do they say that to people dying from other illnesses? People who have heart attacks?

No, I didn't think so.

When people start realising mental health illness is not a choice, then maybe it will be recognised as an illness the same as cancer and diabetes and more treatment available.

The body goes a bit haywire - sympathy and hospital admission

The mind goes a bit haywire - it's ignored, no services are available and when the ultimate happens, they're called selfish.

It's awful.

kisstheblarney · 16/01/2024 01:30

IwouldntWorry · 15/01/2024 22:35

My ex died by suicide relatively recently. The guilt, pain and confusion will never leave me. My children’s lives came to a standstill, they were traumatised and their lives will never be what they would have been.

I swing between anger and sadness, between thinking he was completely selfish to my heart breaking for his pain. There is very little support for the people left behind.

Which in its self can lead to MH issues, it needs thousands more funding!

VivienneDelacroix · 16/01/2024 01:37

Suicide was very taboo until very recently. My dad didn't know that his grandfather died by suicide until 50+ years later. It was my dad's dad who found him, and yet he never once mentioned it.

Similarly, an uncle died by suicide and it was only talked about privately, never publicly or to people outside the family, it was hushed up and shameful.

thebestinterest · 16/01/2024 02:00

It’s not that the topic is talked about more; people are increasingly finding the demands of modern society difficult to cope with.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 16/01/2024 02:31

alltootired · 16/01/2024 01:23

Living independently until 98 is very rare.
Lots of people die in their seventies. It is not that young.

Lots of people also die in their 60s, 50s, 40s .....

Most people in their 70s are living full lives, some are still working. I really don't get this idea that someone of 75 is so old that life is not worth living. Many on MN seem to think that once you reach 60 it's all downhill and you might as well start packing your bags.

Incidentally, a woman I know recently celebrated her 101st birthday - she lives independently, and it's not really that unusual for people in their 90s to live alone, maybe with some help, maybe not.

TwoOfMine · 16/01/2024 02:49

There is nowhere for people to go

Nowhere

There are mental institutions / hospitals but there needs to be somewhere in-between you can go to just feel better

To just lie stare at the ceiling or walls till your brain sorts itself out

TwoOfMine · 16/01/2024 02:51

I suppose if you've got money they're are places but even then not really

Somewhere safe, but not medical or where you will be judged

Somewhere to just be

Darkplace100 · 16/01/2024 04:37

Thanks. Sadly I've reacted to medication prescribed before so I have to work on coping strategies and therapy when it gets bad.