To pull my 2 year old out of nursery?

[Melsmels]

Hi MN
My son is 2.4 years old and has only ever been with me or Dad. I’m a SAHM with little family support but have attended soft plays and toddler groups consistently since DS was 8 months. He has always been happy at these groups, runs off without me and plays. Very recently he’s been wanting to involve me in his play there by taking my by the hand. As he was becoming more and more sociable, and advice I was given that it’s good for them - I decided to put him into nursery, 2 mornings a week (8:30-11:30) to meet other children and get ready for school when he’s 4.
He absolutely loved the settling in session with me being there, played independently and didn’t want to leave. However, last Friday was his first session alone and he ran in happily then I got called around 10 saying he’d been crying a lot and I got him early.
Next session was today with the agreement we’d only do an hour to settle him slowly - they told me he cried the whole time and wanted to stick with one member of staff, didn’t play or anything. He was in tears picking him. I then took him to a toddler group and he was fine - he ran off happily and I sat alone the whole time.

I am considering taking him out of nursery on the basis he’s just not ready. Is this a thing? Any advice would be appreciated!

Honestly I think you need to give it more time. It is good for him but he’s at an age where he will understand separation more. It’s hard to see your child upset but stopping now won’t help. You’re part way through the process, just follow through. You know he can do it.

I think it's entirely up to you and you must do the right thing for your child, but it's also just really normal. Lots of children who struggle to settle initially end up absolutely loving nursery. If it were me, i'd give it longer.

As an aside, children who only go for a couple of sessions a week often struggle the most with settling in. You may want to wait until the funded hours kick in at 3 and then commit to more sessions per week.

I agree with this. I'm a nursery nurse.

Give it until March at least. Two sessions is nowhere near enough time for him to settle properly.

As above, 2 sessions is nothing. Separation anxiety is normal when settling into new childcare, it will take a few weeks & the nursery will be aware of this.

Hi - my son is younger than yours but we have had similar issues with nursery, in that he will play happily in soft play/friends houses but at nursery really seems to struggle around other children or being without us. I had to go and get him a few times because he was upset. It was heartbreaking and I almost wanted to quit my job because of it.

Not sure if I can offer any specific advice but he did get used to it over time, I think as he got a bit older and got used to the fact we were coming back! He now goes in with no fuss at all and is content all day. He does like to keep himself to himself while there still though. Not sure if your nursery has offered to help, but my son's key worker has helped him by having him play closely with one child at a time to help him get a bit more comfortable around groups of children.

It is super difficult but I do think children get used to a new setting. If you are finding it too hard, there is no harm looking at other alternatives like childminders?

Far too soon to take him back out, he will settle it's normal for them to be upset while they are getting used to it.

It took my son (10 months at starting nursery) 2 weeks of 3 mornings per week to start to really settle. Now at 13 months he's so excited when we pull in and he realises where he is. Arms go out to the staff and he squeals with excitement to see them! At the start he cried at every pick up and drop off and at points during the day as well. I agree you need to give it more time and trust your gut. If the staff seem caring and supportive and you feel that the nursery has a good 'vibe' then I'd preserve. This is really his first time practicing being away from you and being independent, it's bound to feel strange and a little daunting initially but you need to let the staff have time to help him settle in and learn that he's safe. I imagine that you might have a similar issue if you wait until school. I was brought to lots of parent toddler groups etc as a child and I ripped my mums coat pockets off when she tried to leave me to school for the first time. The first time will always be new and a little scary until he realises he is safe and cared for.

I'd try to make sure you've a plan for yourself while he's in, it's intense being a sahm and you deserve a little time.

If you don't need the place for work then take him out.

Is there a playgroup near you, Op?
Do they still exist? Playgroups sometimes run for a couple of hours, not a full 3
Maybe your ds could access a group like that, trying Nursery again when he's 3?
Other than that, just persevere, he will settle soon at Nursery. The difference at soft play and friends houses etc are that he knows you are there so as mum you are his security, he can always find you. He probably got a shock at Nursery when he went looking for you after an hour only to discover you were gone. He's only very young, he will learn that you are always coming back.

IME children are ready to naturally be away from their mum between 2.5 and 3.5 years old. I would take him out and try it again when he is a bit older.

My daughter started nursery at a similar age. She didn't settle well at first, crying all day and clinging to her favourite teddy. Eventually she started to like going to nursery and now happily skips into her Y2 classroom, aged 7. Can't believe how the time has flown!

Stick with it, it does take time at that age if they aren't used to being away from parents but it will get better and it's not doing them any long term harm by being upset about being left for a few hours at 2 years old

kids at that age don't really benefit from nursery and most go because parents have no option because they have to work. I would take him out and try after 3 again if you don't need the place.

My daughter was glued to her key worker to start off with, nursery didn’t have an issue with this, she settled down and she used to love going. She took her soft toy with her to start off with which helped too.

YANBU. If he doesn’t like it and doesn’t need to go I’d leave it a little longer. None of my kids went to nursery or pre school. They settled perfectly well into reception and are all now rounded, sociable adults .

Honestly he's too young, if you can take him out then do so. My son went in at 8 months old, until 1.5 years. Settling in was rough - he cried at drop off for 4 months!!

I recently took him out and we spend days together (I'm a SAHM). He is still incredibly small and I find it abhorrent to think he could be in daycare Monday to Friday 8-5 He needs his mother still, not strangers aka nursery workers looking after him.

Wow that's very controversial ☝🏻 . But this has been my experience after spending months in nursery and now spending days with my son myself.

Time goes so fast and he does something new/funny everyday. This is really once-in-a-lifetime experience isn't it? My son will never be this small and I'm glad I'm spending my days with him whilst he's young.

I second this. Mine cried too to start with, then only cried on pick up and drop off for a while. He loves it now and runs in every morning giggling. He benefited loads from being at nursery, he was wary of other kids but now loves playing with others. Also learning lots of new things.

It is only natural that they're upset when you first leave them. It was hard to go through this as a parent but I now can totally see how much he's benefiting from being there, so no regrets.

Maybe we just have an exceptionally good nursery (although I doubt this is unusual) but both my children have benefited hugely from nursery at that age.

I think the issue is 2 days at nursery and 5 at home. It's unsettling for him, rather than nursery itself being unsettling?

Are you paying for it? I don't think I would pay for it if it's not needed and it's making everyone sad. But, if it's funded why not try. Since he has been alone with you it's great that he is sticking with one member of staff. His attachment to you is strong and he will make another attachment with them then begin to feel confident in that setting as he does at toddler groups with you. It is great that he has a strong attachment with you and you wouldn't want it to be another way, his reaction is normal and healthy.

I work with this age group and its normal to be upset at the start, its heartbreaking for the parents but a lot of it isn't really upset, its just overwhelmed at the new place. We had 3 new kids last week, 1 cried the first 4 mornings then settled, another was only in for 3 mornings and he cried for 2 days, then settled on Wednesday but cried again this morning. Its really normal but usually short term. When I say they 'cried' it was on and off, especially when they are not engaged in something. They might cry during free play time, stop to do some art, cry for a minute then enjoy songs or stories, chat during snack time then have a little cry again and be happy again going to playground. Its very rare that a child would cry all morning.

Its up to you, if you are not enjoying your free time out of guilt then maybe you should take him back out. But if it were me I'd leave him for a few more weeks until he gets used to it, I think its good for them. Also when he starts full time you will have already gone through the settling in stage.

I agree with you, if you wait till age 3 things are usually much easier as children understand the concept of you leaving / coming back by explanation. For younger dc they learn this though experience which for some is traumatic

My daughter started nursery at a similar age. She was very shy generally and it took her a long time to settle in. She did 2 sessions of 9 til 3 every week.
It was quite hard to drop her off and see her upset. I'd regularly stay a bit to settle her first but quickly realised it wasn't making things better. Sometimes leaving swiftly without a long goodbuy was better. It went on for a looooong time! But her nursery was lovely (and also small) and the staff really tried hard to make her feel comfortable and in the end she loved it there.
....but I also didnt have much choice as I had to go to work not long after she started and a childminder did wraparound childcare on my long days at work after the first 3 months.

It took my 14 month old DC at the time around 6 weeks to settle (crying upon arrival and pick up). Loves going now, and when I say, 'let's go see the babies', runs to the door to get ready. I would stick it out.

But OP you do not need childcare. So do not put your child through this.