To pull my 2 year old out of nursery?

[Melsmels]

Hi MN
My son is 2.4 years old and has only ever been with me or Dad. I’m a SAHM with little family support but have attended soft plays and toddler groups consistently since DS was 8 months. He has always been happy at these groups, runs off without me and plays. Very recently he’s been wanting to involve me in his play there by taking my by the hand. As he was becoming more and more sociable, and advice I was given that it’s good for them - I decided to put him into nursery, 2 mornings a week (8:30-11:30) to meet other children and get ready for school when he’s 4.
He absolutely loved the settling in session with me being there, played independently and didn’t want to leave. However, last Friday was his first session alone and he ran in happily then I got called around 10 saying he’d been crying a lot and I got him early.
Next session was today with the agreement we’d only do an hour to settle him slowly - they told me he cried the whole time and wanted to stick with one member of staff, didn’t play or anything. He was in tears picking him. I then took him to a toddler group and he was fine - he ran off happily and I sat alone the whole time.

I am considering taking him out of nursery on the basis he’s just not ready. Is this a thing? Any advice would be appreciated!

I agree. Its not until about 3/3,5 they really benefit - unless they can not get enough attention at home. Before then it is childcare.

Mine took a few months of short settling in sessions with lots of tears before she started to enjoy it.

I did wonder if another morning would help. He is doing Tuesdays and Fridays.

He's quite young. If you don't need the childcare, take him out and try again in 6 months. If you do, I'd try doing 3 mornings and make them consecutive rather than spread across the week. But it will likely take 2 weeks at least. Crying is normal but doesn't mean he won't get used to it and get to like it. Although having said that I believe most children would rather be home with mum before about 3. (No judgement as I had to send mine from age 1). Has he been left with other adults before? Leaving him with familiar adults is a good idea if you can, grandma or family friends, just for short periods, you could do that to prepare him if you're going to take him out and try again.

I disagree with an above poster that nursery doesn’t benefit 2 year olds. It hugely benefited my 2 year old. He’s now doing great things at 3 like phonics and pencil grip.

I have also heard that minimal sessions on separate days means longer to settle in.

Take him out for a bit if you feel it’s the right thing to do, but also have a think about how long the wait list will be if you want to send him back again at some point, as I believe most nursery wait lists are around a year.

My DD just started a nursery (she is almost 3) 2 mornings a week and she loves it. Has he just turned 2? What's his comprehension like?

With my daughter we talked a lot about what's going to happen and I'm not kidding you she was happy almost immediately, I left after 20 minutes day 1, day 2 I had to ask her for a kiss goodbye because she was running to go back in.

I know people will say it's normal and it is in our society, to leave our children upset I mean, but for me, if he doesn't have to go I certainly wouldn't be making him and i 1000% wouldn't want him crying for a long time. I wouldn't even want him going to a nursery where they would allow that without calling me immediately.

If it were me I might try a couple more sessions with me there, do some more talking with him, but if he isn't happy with you leaving I'd take him out and try again when he is a little older.

One of the reasons I started sending my DD to nursery is because she reached an age where she really wanted to play with other children, if your son at that stage?

He does show an interest in playing with other children so I thought he’d really enjoy nursery. I stupidly didn’t do my research on separation anxiety till now. Makes sense he would have been looking for me / being in a new place may have been overwhelming. Gut tells me he’s too young and not ready but then I think now I’ve got the ball rolling I should see it out. I don’t need the childcare , it was purely
There is a play group near, similar hours though so I don’t see any difference it would make?

@RedRobyn2021

He’s slightly speech delayed and I don’t believe he fully understands what’s going on. The first drop off they hurried him inside and I just disappeared. Cried shortly after I was told.
He obviously remembered today and went in kicking and screaming.
I just walked off and I feel so much guilt.

Kids need time to settle at nursery, and the less frequently they go the more time it will take. I know it’s upsetting but what you’re describing, with him only having been there 3 times total and only 2 sessions on his own is very normal. It seems really pointless to have started him if you’re not willing to at least give the settling a proper go. He might not be any better if he starts at 3 either. DS has a nursery friend who was AWFUL at settling. He already had 2 friends in the class who had been at his previous setting (but it closed so needed to move), a sibling starting reception on the same site and he was awful, screaming the place down, mum had to come back early for 2 weeks even attending every day. But then something clicked and he loves it now. Some kids skip in without a second thought whatever their age. Some kids need time to settle. I wouldn’t quit without at least giving it a proper try. And I personally think nursery is great for 2YOs- it’s the age where the benefits really start in terms of socialisation and behaviour.

@alltootired
Am swaying toward this option. It really horrible to see him like this. Do you think it makes a difference being slightly older and having a more of an understanding?
As I’ve said on previous reply I don’t believe he has an understanding right now of what’s going on. I have talked about it but I don’t get much back.

'But OP you do not need childcare. So do not put your child through this.'

Well said. Your 2 year old absolutely doesn't need to be in nursery. Carry on with the groups as you have been

He isn't too young. Just because your child couldn't cope doesn't mean OP's son won't if given time.

If he is speech delayed nursery might be good for him then.

I'd take him out tbh. I think 2 and a bit is too young.

I was a SAHM til both mine went to school. In the term before they started at the schools nursery, I put them in a local church playgroup for 2 mornings a week 9.30 til 11.30am to get them used to being away from me...they never had been until then.

They were both over 3 by then and had no issues at all. They settled in well and no tears.

On the other hand I noticed a child of a SAHM I knew who never went to nursery until three struggle to cope with it as she had never been away from her mother. It isn't a guarantee that being three makes it easier.

It's up to you of course, but I think you can likely expect the same if you wait too. My son had the same reaction to starting nursery at 3, it took two weeks for the tears to stop. My three weeks he was running in ahead of us and barely stopping to say goodbye.

I'd persist. Nursery was brilliant for my 2 at this age, they learnt so much socially and did lots of activities I couldn't possibly have done at home.

Sofabum

this. It’s the activities I can’t do at home. I’ve been anxious he was ‘missing out’ so the fact he’s just sobbed and occasionally distracted by key worker sucks, because I wanted him to enjoy it. It has only been two sessions so I know it’s really soon. Dad suggests to not be hasty , see how it goes, I’m willing to see how it goes and hope the nagging feeling it’s too soon goes.

If you need him to go to nursery for your work or your mental health, then keep trying. If not, don't. They really don't NEED to go to nursery.

2.5 to 3.5 is the age when children start to be comfortable being away from their parents for a bit. Its about them understanding that you will come back.

He has a speech delay OP says. Nursery might be a way to help that.

I’d keep him in a bit longer OP. Set a reasonable amount of time in your head and if he still hates it then take him out.
Kids also need to learn to be a little resilient and it’s difficult to do this if they never experience a situation where they need to be resilient.

I HAD to put mine in at 11 months (and no to the PP who said this is ‘abhorrent’ 🙄) it took him a while to settle but once he did, there was no turning back. He is a very happy and confident 6 year old now so it certainly didn’t harm him

I worked in a preschool and the progress children made with speech or social skills once they settled was really impressive but there was often a wobbly start and only two sessions a week does make it harder.
I can see why you are torn because I keep changing my mind and deleting what I'm writing! I don't think there really is a wrong answer - stick at it and he will settle eventually, or leave it for now and try again when he gets funded sessions so could attend more regularly. I wouldn't judge either choice!

You don’t need to stick it out though do you. Obviously if you have to go to work then all bets are off. However as you don’t have to my advice would be to wait until he’s closer to 3 and try again. Stick with the playgroups etc.

I’d get advice from and SLT about how helpful nursery would be for a speech delay at this stage.