5 year old school refusal. Please could you advice

[AnxiousAboutSchool]

NC for this.

Hello, DS is winter born, and is one of the oldest kids in reception. He has a lot of anxiety about going to school. He worries about going to school all evening, goes to bed worried, and wakes up worrying about it in the morning. Every morning we have to push him to go to school, and there’s lots of crying and complaining. He has big meltdowns when he’s back from school.

His class teacher says he has lots of friends in school and is quite happy when he is there. DS used to go to a small nurturing nursery before this for 2 years, and it was the same story even then. So it doesn’t seem like the behaviour has much to do with the specific school per say. It seems to be down to separation anxiety. He just wants to stay at home with Mum and Dad. (There’s nothing particularly exciting happening at home - screen time is very limited and he doesn’t play video games or anything)

Is this normal behaviour for a 5 year old? Is this just a phase that some kids go through? I am very upset seeing him like this and wonder if this will be damaging for him in some way. This is already affecting him negatively as he’s very stressed during term time even at home. Once the holidays start he’s much calmer and happier.

A bit of background - DS was a high needs baby and the baby years were super hard. He’s the sweetest little boy, but he’s very “intense” , for lack of a better word. He really gets into the simplest things like maybe a piece of paper he’s playing with. He’s also anxious in general. I have considered neuro divergence, but doesn’t seem like he has any traits except anxiety.

I am considering talking to GP/health visitor, but I don’t think I’ll get much help. Hence turning to experienced parents and teachers on mumsnet for advice.

I've got no answers OP but I'm following as my 4yo acts the same at nursery drop-off.

When we ask why he doesn't want to go he just says he'd rather stay home with us.

Sorry to hear your DS is experiencing school related anxiety. The pattern you describe does sound like he is finding school stressful, but trying really hard to comply and do all his work there. This is a very common pattern for autistic children - it's called "masking" - trying to appear neurotypical at school and then falling to pieces at home, (although of course there could be other reasons why he is finding it so hard and all posdibilities should be investigated, autism is the one have experience of and my ds). You may find this organisation helpful https://notfineinschool.co.uk/ .
I would certainly make school (class teacher and senco) aware of his feelings and mention the anxiety. Keep a diary of his meltdowns/ being upset before school. He may well continue to be OK in school but maintaining at that level of anxiety is not great for his mental health and unless some treatment for anxiety and or changes to make school less stressful at made it could progress to full refusaland burnout, leading to lengthy periods of time out of school. It's one thing trying to cajole a 5 year old in, but he will grow bigger and thus becomes impossible, and "forcing" him in will be bad for your relationship. He needs to know he is safe at home and that you believe his fears and concerns are valid. If he's able to talk about which aspects of school are the hardest that would be helpful. Would school consider getting an educational psychologist in?

Poor kid. Sounds very anxious. Definitely looking into ASD and ADHD - both are very much linked to anxiety. My son has just been diagnosed with ADHD and he was exactly the same sort of baby as you describe. Thankfully he is happy going to school but it could easily be another story; he gets anxious about so much.

Getting some assessments done for my son really helped us to understand his issues - as well as ADHD assessment, we got an Occupational Therapist assessment to look at his sensory needs, and a Speech and Language Therapy assessment to look at his social communication. Next on the list is an Educational Psychiatry assessment. Even if your son isn't neurodivetgent you may be able to unpick where his anxiety comes from. Good luck.

Please call your GP, they were great with my son experiencing really bad anxiety and frustration. We were referred to CAHMS and they phoned within a few weeks and referred him to a local charity that runs a weekly group for children with anxiety. We also spoke to school and they arranged for a weekly session with a Learning Mentor in school. Both have been really helpful.

Did he go to nursery? How did he find that?

DD 5 is a bit like this except nursery burnt her out, never got as far as school, she's home educated now and we're unpicking the damage from 2 years of nursery. Diagnosed autistic last year, probably PDA provider which is why she hides it really well but is super anxious, I think likely ADHD.

Her separation anxiety hasn't gone away, google said is should go by 3 🙃

Ah just reread @AnxiousAboutSchool and can see what you said about nursery

*PDA profile

Thanks everyone. Your responses have been very helpful. I've had some family and friends say I'm overthinking this and I just need to be more strict with him about going to school. I'll follow up with GP and the other references you provided.

He makes friends easily at nursery and school (he will completely ignore his friends if we run into them at shops or when waiting in line for school drop off though, even they are talking to him directly), so I didn't think of autism as a possibility. But obviously I don't know much about autism and ND so definitely worth talking to experts.

It's not that unusual for kids in reception to be resistant to going in. I'm not sure it's helpful to medicalise it at this point or assume that sending him to school is damaging him in some way.

Its hard to know at this age whether its something he will grow out of. 5 is still little and in the Uk we do send children to full time school much younger than in rest of europe. He may just be a sensitive kid.

But it could be early sign of neurodiversity.

@waterrat hmmm.. true.. Sometimes I think that a 5 year old wanting to stay with his Mum is a very normal reaction. However, I worry about the level of stress this is causing him at such a young age, and how this would impact him.

Wish I could homeschool him till he's 7, but with both parents working full time it's not an option for us.

Why are you entertaining this nonsense?
Honestly tell him to stop being silly and move on.

Hmm, at 5 it does depend if you are pandering to him. If you are not and just say its fine, everyone has to go to school and he still does this everyday I'd think sen or bullying. But you say every setting.

A friend drops his son off 30 mins early every day, and the teacher gives him tasks to do to get the classroom set up (at teachers request). It calms him down with a short 1-1 setting, and builds his self esteem. Can you potentially look into a similar arrangement?

You work full time? Does he know you’re not at home during the day? Sometimes little ones get it into their heads that parents are at home having fun without them, and often say they just want to stay home with parents. They don’t always know that neither of their parents are at home either.

OP, he needs an educational psychologist to assess him, they will put a plan of pastoral support together for school which will address his anxiety. It sounds like he finds the environment overwhelming ( could be his temperament or neurodivergence) and needs specific pastoral support and teaching strategies to reduce and manage this for him. Small group work, quiet time scheduled into the day, low stimulation. A good school/ experienced teacher will put these in place without an assessment so firstly talk to the SENCO about the anxiety and get a plan in place x

Could he be highly sensitive? It's a genuine difference in the way some people are wired, it presents with some characteristics which make you think neuro-divergent and isn't well understood.

hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/

As well as the GP, speak to the SENCO. What support is the school providing? Making friends easily doesn’t rule out the possibility of ASD or other ND condition.

@Boomboom22 - Definitely not pandering to him. This has been going on for 2.5 years - since nursery. I've always insisted he goes to nursery/school

@Jinglesomeoftheway - I'll check with the teacher if this is an option

@FacingTheWall l - Yes, both parents work full time

@Genevie82 - I'll request a meeting with the teacher. When he was in nursery, he used to tell me that the nursery was noisy, even though it was a very calm structured setting with a very good teacher ratio. Even at home he seems a bit sensitive to noise so maybe that's one reason.

@kiwiandcherries - Thanks for sharing this. Yes, he's quite sensitive. Checks most of the boxes in that list.

@KeepGoingThomas - I wasn't sure if I should bring this up with Senco. Definitely going to discuss this with the teacher and Senco now.

Oh, seriously, fuck off. Clearly you have zero experience of dropping a highly distressed child at school Every. Single. Day.

Definitely discuss it with the school. They should be providing support. Follow up verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence should you require it e.g. if you need to request an EHCNA. Ignore anyone who says you just have to be tougher/DS just needs to get on with it.

Can I ask what the signs of burnout were please?

I would say some of the things you have said about your son sound exactly what you would expect from a neurodivergent child. Struggling with this kind of environment is very common in kids on the autistic spectrum, for example. Teachers will always say that these children are 'fine' and happy in school. The truth is, he could be masking all day. When you collect him, it is possible he has meltdowns because he has been holding it together all day.
No one on here can diagnose your son, but do not ignore this behaviour. He is clearly struggling and needs support. Join the 'not fine in school' Facebook group and you will find thousands of other stories which are very similar to yours. Ignore all the people who tell you that you aren't being strict enough. Your son is happy and calm in the holidays. This is a problem with the environment.

@Kittylala What an unbelievably uneducated and naive response!
I pray your child never experiences school based anxiety.