5 year old school refusal. Please could you advice

[AnxiousAboutSchool]

NC for this.

Hello, DS is winter born, and is one of the oldest kids in reception. He has a lot of anxiety about going to school. He worries about going to school all evening, goes to bed worried, and wakes up worrying about it in the morning. Every morning we have to push him to go to school, and there’s lots of crying and complaining. He has big meltdowns when he’s back from school.

His class teacher says he has lots of friends in school and is quite happy when he is there. DS used to go to a small nurturing nursery before this for 2 years, and it was the same story even then. So it doesn’t seem like the behaviour has much to do with the specific school per say. It seems to be down to separation anxiety. He just wants to stay at home with Mum and Dad. (There’s nothing particularly exciting happening at home - screen time is very limited and he doesn’t play video games or anything)

Is this normal behaviour for a 5 year old? Is this just a phase that some kids go through? I am very upset seeing him like this and wonder if this will be damaging for him in some way. This is already affecting him negatively as he’s very stressed during term time even at home. Once the holidays start he’s much calmer and happier.

A bit of background - DS was a high needs baby and the baby years were super hard. He’s the sweetest little boy, but he’s very “intense” , for lack of a better word. He really gets into the simplest things like maybe a piece of paper he’s playing with. He’s also anxious in general. I have considered neuro divergence, but doesn’t seem like he has any traits except anxiety.

I am considering talking to GP/health visitor, but I don’t think I’ll get much help. Hence turning to experienced parents and teachers on mumsnet for advice.

I had this with my son and we laminated a small picture of him with is with lits of kisses and hugs on the back for him to keep in his pocket and told him we would think of him often while he was at school and if he missed us he could take the picture out of his pocket and feel closer to is. It worked to get him through this phase. However My daughter is bright and popular and enjoys school when she gets there but openly says she would rather just stay at home and be with me.

My son was/is just the same OP. It’s so hard! Especially when you see other children not feeling this way and the school always seems to act as if this is the first child to ever dislike school. I got soooo fed up of all my friends suggesting autism/adhd, we investigated that so many times over the years and it simply isn’t a label that fits our son. He’s not neurodivergent, but he is highly sensitive, particularly to noise and stress. The ‘tough love’ parents simply do not understand, so be careful who you let advise you.

Something that helped me was the book “The Highly Sensitive Child: helping children thrive when the world overwhelms them.” This won’t turn your anxious child into a confident child, nothing will (except kindness and time) but it will explain to you what is happening and some strategies that help. Eg recognising that for my child the world is louder, brighter and scarier than for most children. Dropping him off early as the second child of the day helped, so that he could get used to the noise and stimulation of being at school before the room had thirty other kids in it. We now only accept invites to birthday parties if they aren’t going to be very noisy (no discos for us!)

Our child never did thrive in the overcrowded classes of our ‘requires improvement’ state primary and eventually we felt forced to dig deep and find the money for a small nuturing private school, he’s thrived there. I wish you better luck! If you have high income, look into private school, if you have less than £50k combined salary, maybe look into private school bursaries. If you’re middle income, see if there are any smaller state schools perhaps fuether away.

Our teen is still super sensitive and will probably never love school but he is also the most loving empathetic and kind child you can meet, and excels at the arts and at computing. Avoid any adults who think ‘sporty’ means football. Seek out swimming / cricket / rock climbing / drama clubs. Avoid noisy shouting stuff.

Good luck.

The problem isn't with your child, it's through the damaging and unhealthy belief that children must confirm to a very limited and restricted way of learning. School can feel more like a form of torture to some children, more like a prison. It's not a sign of failure, most thrive when taken out of an environment that makes them sick.

Conform

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 - Thanks for the suggestion. I've tried a few things similar to this. But I'll give this one a shot

@Verbene - He's definitely highly sensitive. Thanks for the book recommendation. I've reserved the book from library now. Hoping to find some strategies

@SameOldSong - He goes to a lovely school, but unfortunately what you've said might be true for him. Maybe the environment just isn't right for him. Homeschooling is not an option for us, so unfortunately have to figure out how to work with the system :/

It's not that unusual for kids in reception to be resistant to going in. I'm not sure it's helpful to medicalise it at this point or assume that sending him to school is damaging him in some way.

Some children in Reception are indeed resistant to going in. It's not helpful to assume that things will suddenly improve on their own though. Nobody's saying jump on a diagnosis, but clearly something is not right here and it does need further unpicking. Looking at all possibilities will do no harm. And severe anxiety, left, IS damaging. The OP is doing exactly the right thing by looking into options and strategies to try and mitigate this anxiety rather than simply leaving him to it.

He's a Covid child, we've seen a big, big difference in children settling in the past two years.

Hopefully you'll get him checked soon, but he's certainly not the only one in that year who is struggling. It's been very hard for a lot of children.

Homeschooling is not an option for us, so unfortunately have to figure out how to work with the system

If mainstream isn’t suitable there are other options other than EHE, so try not to panic, but if DS needs more support than the school can provide you can request an EHCNA.

Following

Following because I could've written this

I used to carry DS to school when he didn't want to go. He'd cry the while way there. School was not optional.Then at 8 he refused to go.

Turns out he's autistic and school was absolute hell for him. I regret that I didn't take it more seriously.

My son spent a year like this. His iron levels had hit the floor, discovered from a blood test for something else. His mood and behaviour significantly changed when his iron levels came up. Might be worth getting and blood test.

Sorry I’ve no advice, just replying as I’m going through the same with my almost 7 year old son, he’s in year 2. Always had a bit of it but really ramped up after Christmas break, he keeps telling me he wants to move school but the things he says he doesn’t like doing (maths & English every day) would be the same problem elsewhere! It’s beginning to get me down.

My youngest ds was like this in reception and year 1, he’s a teen now. One thing that did help was a little soft toy in his book bag, every time he felt he missed home he went and gave it a cuddle, it lived in his book bag but came out less and less, but he knew it was always there.

Another thing that some may find controversial but really helped was the star of the week jumper. The teacher awarded it him for the week and it was a huge confidence boost. I think he did the bare minimum to get it but the teacher thought it would work. Is there anything like this in your son’s school? He was ok through primary up to year 5 then. Then school refusal returned. Secondary didn’t work for him. He is a happy, home ed child now with confidence and friends and so much less anxiety than he had at school. School isn’t for every child

I hope you find a solution, it’s totally heartbreaking when they are so upset going to school.

Yes this. I feel like this is gone past hoping this will improve by itself. This continuing level of anxiety must be so difficult for him and you. Hope you get some answers/support.

I had two school refuses from nursery onwards. Clining onto doorframes, being peeled off me. Lasted until around end of year 1 then they seem to grow out of it/perhaps become more confident. Tried various strategies with different success.
School were great, visual timetables were super helpful.
Going for a walk after school to chat

Our DS is being assessed for ASD and ADHD just now and he was like this for the first term of school. What helped was the going in the early with a special task that he helped the teacher with and things slowly improved and now he loves the routine of school. So it might get better as he settles in and I don't feel it has damaged him. I would still suggest talking to SENCO etc

this sounds like my DD1 also. She was high needs baby, is very intense, worries about everything.
she has just turned 5, started reception in Sept just gone. Her anxiety is starting to interfere with her learning and the school have raised it with the senco. I took her to the GP and she is now on the (2 year long!!!!) waiting list.

Are you wfh or going into a workplace? If you are both wfh then it might help for everyone in the household to go to their place of work or school for a while, if possible.

@AnxiousAboutSchool my child is now 9 - at 5 she was similar - she had friends at school but would ignore them if they said hello in public. She was diagnosed as autistic about a year ago - she is still a regular school refuser sadly.

She used to cry and cling to me in year 1 etc refusing to go in but was 'fine' once she got there

How is your son in group play? If you took him to the park for example and a group of children were playing would he join in? Is he better one to one?

re. autism - I would be considering sensory needs which is a core part of autism - however honestly at 5 it isn't always obvious - is there ND in the family? The best thing is to keep a really detailed diary of all of this so that if you do ever going down the diagnostic path you know what has been happening (easy to forget the detail)

btw on a practical note - the school should be offering things like separate entry, a specific adult meeting him at the gate holding his hand etc, a job to start the day - going into the library for a quiet start?

It's January so I assume he has been attending since September?

If he's fine once he's there, I'd just ask his teacher's advice and go with that. Give it a while longer.

My ds did much the ame and it stopped in March as it turned to spring. I wouldn't bother a GP yet. How old is he?

DC1 was/is still at times like this. Diagnosed with ASD at 4yo. Things which helped a bit were:

1. A visual timetable explaining where he was in the day and someone at school to help ensure he could see what was happening
2. 'Settling in' time where an activity or special interest was set up to distract him straight away - waiting for registration was not a good thing to go into as it intensified the anxiety
3. An activity box for break and lunch - the unstructured time was a problem for a while and mixing with large groups of peers was overwhelming
4. Most important was having the school onside. I vividly remember the day it was absolutely torrential rain and it took nearly 30 minutes of persuasion to get out of the car. The head came and held an umbrella over me as I was getting soaked and helped coax them in. Although things are a lot better now there are still staff who keep an eye out on the gate and, when getting DC2 in, if I mention we're having a rough day they'll come out and help put DC1 more at ease.
5. Clothing has turned out to be a factor. They were so uncomfortable in a shirt and tie all day. Once we raised this with school, they immediately said no need to wear full uniform and now we compromise with a polo shirt and no tie but they'd be fine with PE kit, too. I've also found a place that does nearly-seamless bamboo socks and that has also helped.

Whether your DC is neurodivent or not it's very hard dealing with anxiety and school refusal and your mental health matters, too. I'm fortunate to have an understanding employer and there's an employee assistance programme I've used to get some help for myself when I felt at my most low with this. Good luck, OP.

I'd second this really good advice. Hopefully the school are understanding and will put strategies in place that may help ease him in to school.

I could have written the OP about 10 years ago. Unfortunately the school did not help and actively accused me of enabling absence and pandering to his behaviour. At this point I withdrew him from school seeing that the school were not going to help.

10 years on I have a teenager with school trauma, who self harms, has attempted suicide several times and is heavily medicated.

It seems like this just wasn't a thing years ago? Why have children become so fragile?