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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child’s birthday money/savings

93 replies

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 16:53

Hi,
please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.

my DC turned 1 at the beginning of last year. We had a birthday party with family & friends and the majority of them gave money for us to put into her account. Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname. I asked him for months and months once she was born to open up a savings account for her. This was never done so I made an appointment with the bank & got 1 opened for them.

since I’ve opened the savings account for DC I have never taken any money from it, I see it as their money to spend on what they see fit when they are older. I have a standing order that transfers money from my account to their account every month. He has never put any money in there.

for what it’s worth I only work 2 days a week, my wage goes mostly on nursery fees, phone bill & im left with about £100 at the end of the month. He pays all the bills for the house & our lifestyle. We’re lucky that he earns very well and I have the opportunity to only work 2 days a week.

every now and then I will mention to him about the £250 from DC birthday, he always says he’ll do it when he gets round to it however today he’s now said that ‘DC will never go without so therefore doesn’t need the £250, he pays for everything for her so she won’t miss the money’

my argument is that money was given to her by family and friends so it should go to her.
Ive said to him he can have access to her savings account, he can open his own savings account but he’s not interested.

my mum is very funny with money so he has now made a few comments that I’m being funny and making him feel guilty for taking the money.

i never had any savings as a child so I’m only doing what I think is best for my DC. Am I wrong for that? Open to being told I am unreasonable

OP posts:
mouseychick · 14/01/2024 16:54

If you're transferring money to her account have you transferred £250 yet? If so I'd say that has replaced it (as he's basically stolen it). He can then pay you back or you should leave him.

GreyhpundGirl · 14/01/2024 17:03

Change the account to a Junior Isa- parents can't access (withdraw) the money. He's already stolen from your child so you need to protect the rest of it. What a loser, stealing from a child. What has he done with the money?

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 17:06

firstly, Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname
this makes absolutely no sense. If you are not married the child should have the mother’s name.

secondly, he has stolen money from your child. That was her money, not family money. He needs to out it in the bank account. Do not give him access. He has proven he cannot be trusted. And change it to a junior isa. He will try to take it i will bet my last rolo on that.

why are you so very part time with a man you arent married to who steals from his own daughter? Is he paying into a private pension for you, or topping up your very part time one? Are you still claiming child benefit for your state pension contributions?

why, if you are working so very part time, are you paying all the nursery fees? Why are you left with less than £25 a week if he earns so well?

SuperBored · 14/01/2024 17:14

I have to agree with pp, I would be wanting to contribute to a joint pot of bills where the nursery/rent/mortgage/council tax/utilities/car expenses and food come out of, else if you split it would be very easy for your OH to claim you have never contributed and therefore have no claim on house/car etc unless you understand and are happy with this set up?
Also why are you shoving money in your DD account if you have so little money anyway?

Liababy · 14/01/2024 17:18

He should put the money in, but alternatively with him paying for nearly everything I bet you DC has had £250 spent on them over and over since their birthday. But yeah he should have put it in, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. He will be funding all kids for DC as time goes on. Swings and roundabouts.

Sirzy · 14/01/2024 17:19

I don’t think birthday money necessarily needs to be saved but could you use it to buy something like a family pass to the local zoo or similar instead?

birthday money can also be used for things like clothes if needed in my view. Especially when so young.

saving is all well and good but not at the expense of now.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:19

That’s a good idea, I will look into doing this thank you.

i work part time as i wanted to keep my hand in at work. We are fortunate enough to earn over the threshold so i am not entitled to any child maintenance or free child care hours. It’s my decision to work & im happy to pay for DC nursery fees. I have a card attached to his account so i also have money from him to spend on everything I need /want etc so im not without money. It just helps topping up what I have at the end of the month.

OP posts:
ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 17:21

do you rent or own? Are you on the mortgage and deeds?

StrawberryWater · 14/01/2024 17:21

Mumsnet seems to be full of thieving parents at the moment.

Any money given to your child is your child’s money. It’s not money your wanker partner can use to treat himself. Do not let him have access to her bank account. Put it somewhere neither of you can access.

Why on Earth are so many people putting up with this. So grim. If my DH stole off our son I don’t think I’d be able to look at him again without feeling vomity.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:22

I always thought by putting any money received for them to go into an account. I never had a savings account as a child so thought I was doing the right thing.

I see what you mean with putting the money towards things they may need such as clothes or trips out etc

OP posts:
Liababy · 14/01/2024 17:22

I have a card attached to his account so i also have money from him to spend on everything I need /want etc so im not without money.

so withdraw the £250?

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:23

We own & yes I am on the mortgage.

our deal was when having child I would work either part time or not at all. I choose to work. Once we are finished having children & they are in school I will go back to work full time.

OP posts:
ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 17:23

Liababy · 14/01/2024 17:22

I have a card attached to his account so i also have money from him to spend on everything I need /want etc so im not without money.

so withdraw the £250?

Yes this!

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:24

It’s a credit card that gets cleared at the end of the month. If I was to withdraw money from it, there would be a charge.

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

OP posts:
Whinge · 14/01/2024 17:28

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

Oh dear. There are so many red flags. Sad Op surely you can see that his reluctance to let you withdraw money from your joint account doesn't exactly match up with *i also have money from him to spend on everything I need /want etc so im not without money. *

SleepingBeautySnores · 14/01/2024 17:29

Never mind you being funny about money and it not being a nice trait to have, OP. He's STOLEN money from your daughter, which could be classed as a criminal offence!! You're not being funny about money, you clearly have morals which he doesn't. Take the money from the joint account, and put it in your DD's account. Absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part!

SuperBored · 14/01/2024 17:30

If you have a joint account, why are you waiting for him (or his approval) to transfer the money when you can do it yourself?

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/01/2024 17:34

Him keeping the money because (correct me if I'm wrong here) he 'spends his own money on stuff for his child so the child has already had it' is outrageous - family and friends gave the money to the CHILD, not to the father to 'pay him back for hus spending on HIS child'!

He's STOLEN his child's birthday money!

mouseychick · 14/01/2024 17:35

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:24

It’s a credit card that gets cleared at the end of the month. If I was to withdraw money from it, there would be a charge.

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

He stole his own child's money

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 17:35

So you actually dont have access to family money or the bank account?

TeaKitten · 14/01/2024 17:37

How much in personal savings do you have op? Is he paying into your pension? Are you getting married?

honeylulu · 14/01/2024 17:42

Stealing his child's birthday gift money is "not a nice trait to have!"

If he won't transfer it its him who is "being funny with money". Actually scratch that, it's not funny at all. I'm not laughing.

Just transfer it from the joint account and if he tries to tell you about your non-nice traits you can ask him what the givers of the gift money would think of his "traits" if you told them he'd refused to let her have it in her account. (I'm assuming the money was paid into the joint account rather than him pocketing it in cash or into his sole account which would seem worse, and more difficult to deal with.)

Go back to work full time. Firstly you're not married and secondly this sort if arrangement only works if both partners respect each others roles and are fair and transparent with money.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:51

No I have access to the joint bank account, I also have a credit card linked to his account so i can use that for whatever.

he pays for everything, we are fortunate to me to drop to 2 days a week and it not impact our finances but you are right. I need to up my working days in order to contribute more as our system doesn’t seem to be working.

im glad I am not being unreasonable for expecting the money to go into DC account.

he has begrudgingly transferred the money over to DC account however is now sulking upstairs as I’ve made him feel weird about it. My belief is the money was given to DC for their bday, not to go into their dad’s account

OP posts:
Sayingitstraight · 14/01/2024 17:53

He's a twat!

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2024 17:54

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:19

That’s a good idea, I will look into doing this thank you.

i work part time as i wanted to keep my hand in at work. We are fortunate enough to earn over the threshold so i am not entitled to any child maintenance or free child care hours. It’s my decision to work & im happy to pay for DC nursery fees. I have a card attached to his account so i also have money from him to spend on everything I need /want etc so im not without money. It just helps topping up what I have at the end of the month.

So withdraw £250 and put it on her account.