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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child’s birthday money/savings

93 replies

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 16:53

Hi,
please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.

my DC turned 1 at the beginning of last year. We had a birthday party with family & friends and the majority of them gave money for us to put into her account. Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname. I asked him for months and months once she was born to open up a savings account for her. This was never done so I made an appointment with the bank & got 1 opened for them.

since I’ve opened the savings account for DC I have never taken any money from it, I see it as their money to spend on what they see fit when they are older. I have a standing order that transfers money from my account to their account every month. He has never put any money in there.

for what it’s worth I only work 2 days a week, my wage goes mostly on nursery fees, phone bill & im left with about £100 at the end of the month. He pays all the bills for the house & our lifestyle. We’re lucky that he earns very well and I have the opportunity to only work 2 days a week.

every now and then I will mention to him about the £250 from DC birthday, he always says he’ll do it when he gets round to it however today he’s now said that ‘DC will never go without so therefore doesn’t need the £250, he pays for everything for her so she won’t miss the money’

my argument is that money was given to her by family and friends so it should go to her.
Ive said to him he can have access to her savings account, he can open his own savings account but he’s not interested.

my mum is very funny with money so he has now made a few comments that I’m being funny and making him feel guilty for taking the money.

i never had any savings as a child so I’m only doing what I think is best for my DC. Am I wrong for that? Open to being told I am unreasonable

OP posts:
Justbecause19 · 15/01/2024 04:20

Op in future can you get family members to transfer money directly into DC account for birthday/Christmas? This is what we do, much easier than sorting cash and DC will be able to see who has contributed in future.

Nonewclothes2024 · 15/01/2024 04:24

You are absolutely right. People have given money to your child and it should be in their account.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 15/01/2024 08:23

Justbecause19 · 15/01/2024 04:20

Op in future can you get family members to transfer money directly into DC account for birthday/Christmas? This is what we do, much easier than sorting cash and DC will be able to see who has contributed in future.

going forward this is what I will be doing. It will be so much easier and there isn’t a risk of the money resting in someone else’s account.

im grateful and thankful for all of the responses as it’s given me a head wobble to see things from a different view that I wouldn’t have originally. I’ve also applied for the tax credits but not to be paid for them.

as it stands he is still sulking, Slept on the sofa last night & took himself off to work this morning before we woke up (normally I’ll drive him to the station) oh well. I know I’ve done the right thing for my child & that’s all that matters

OP posts:
skippy67 · 15/01/2024 08:29

Still sulking?? Are you sure you want to marry this Prince?!

SecondHandFurniture · 15/01/2024 08:33

Ah, someone has hit the nail on the head. He wanted her to have to ask for it because he likes being the big man with the wallet. Bet he loves that the "deal" with having children was that you either work PT or not at all.

Wheresthefibre · 15/01/2024 08:36

He has all this money but doesn’t want to give the child their own £250?

Charlie2121 · 15/01/2024 08:44

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 17:06

firstly, Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname
this makes absolutely no sense. If you are not married the child should have the mother’s name.

secondly, he has stolen money from your child. That was her money, not family money. He needs to out it in the bank account. Do not give him access. He has proven he cannot be trusted. And change it to a junior isa. He will try to take it i will bet my last rolo on that.

why are you so very part time with a man you arent married to who steals from his own daughter? Is he paying into a private pension for you, or topping up your very part time one? Are you still claiming child benefit for your state pension contributions?

why, if you are working so very part time, are you paying all the nursery fees? Why are you left with less than £25 a week if he earns so well?

Edited

I know around 10 couples who are not married and every single child they have has the fathers surname.

They are all older first time parents in extremely stable relationships, many 15/20 years so no concerns about splitting up.

I suspect the trend of using the mother's name is more prevalent in younger less stable relationships where they think there is a realistic chance the father won’t hang around.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 15/01/2024 08:59

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:24

It’s a credit card that gets cleared at the end of the month. If I was to withdraw money from it, there would be a charge.

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

Over a month or two you could use the credit card to pay £250 of things you'd normally pay yourself and then transfer £250 from your account to DC account.

RitaConnors · 15/01/2024 10:08

I suspect the trend of using the mother's name is more prevalent in younger less stable relationships where they think there is a realistic chance the father won’t hang around.

I think it's the opposite. I think those women are just the ones who give the baby their partners name as a way of securing him.

An independent woman thinks differently.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 15/01/2024 10:29

weve been together a long time, DC was always going to have DP’s surname. We’re engaged to be married however fell pregnant first and put the wedding on hold. I know many parents who aren’t married yet the children have the father’s name.

OP posts:
RitaConnors · 15/01/2024 11:03

Sorry, the name thing has become a bot of a derail of your thread. Flowers

I think what's happened to you with this money issue has been a bit of a wake up call and it's a opportunity for you to keep a closer eye on your partner's attitude to money and how he speaks to you/treats you.

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2024 11:05

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:24

It’s a credit card that gets cleared at the end of the month. If I was to withdraw money from it, there would be a charge.

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

Stealing from your child isn't a nice trait.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 15/01/2024 11:44

RitaConnors · 15/01/2024 11:03

Sorry, the name thing has become a bot of a derail of your thread. Flowers

I think what's happened to you with this money issue has been a bit of a wake up call and it's a opportunity for you to keep a closer eye on your partner's attitude to money and how he speaks to you/treats you.

100%

going forward I’ll going to make changes such as transferring the nursery fees from my account to the joint account. Contributing to the joint account & whenever friends or family would like to gift money to my DC then I’ll pass along their bank details rather than accept cash.

its all well and good when things are rosey and you don’t think about what could happen to you if things do go belly up so I need to protect myself and my DC especially as we aren’t married yet.

Sometimes you need a different perspective on things from an outside POV to open your eyes and make you realise you are doing the right thing however you need to wise up at the same time

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2024 14:49

I wonder how he'd feel if you announced at her next birthday celebration in front of friends and family "please don't give dd cash, her dad takes it for himself ".

Would he be OK with that?

Or would he be totally ashamed?

Mel2023 · 15/01/2024 15:55

We have a savings account for our son. All his birthday money, Christmas money etc goes in it and there is no exception. Your partner absolutely needs to pay it into your DC account. It’s DC money not your DH. If it was me I’d pay it out the joint account and let him have his hissy fit over that.

Gosh, our DS got £50 cash for Christmas which I hadn’t yet paid into his account. I never have any cash in the house and DH went to my MIL with DS for a few days and accidentally took my purse with my cash and cards in the changing bag. I had to get some shopping in and literally had no money except the £50 of DS Xmas money. I of course had to use it and felt soooo guilty until I got my purse back with my ££ in it which I then used to reimburse DS. I don’t know how your DH isn’t feeling bad about it all tbh.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 15/01/2024 17:05

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2024 14:49

I wonder how he'd feel if you announced at her next birthday celebration in front of friends and family "please don't give dd cash, her dad takes it for himself ".

Would he be OK with that?

Or would he be totally ashamed?

He would be mortified, maybe not because of what he’s done but more I’ve made a scene about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 15/01/2024 17:08

Mel2023 · 15/01/2024 15:55

We have a savings account for our son. All his birthday money, Christmas money etc goes in it and there is no exception. Your partner absolutely needs to pay it into your DC account. It’s DC money not your DH. If it was me I’d pay it out the joint account and let him have his hissy fit over that.

Gosh, our DS got £50 cash for Christmas which I hadn’t yet paid into his account. I never have any cash in the house and DH went to my MIL with DS for a few days and accidentally took my purse with my cash and cards in the changing bag. I had to get some shopping in and literally had no money except the £50 of DS Xmas money. I of course had to use it and felt soooo guilty until I got my purse back with my ££ in it which I then used to reimburse DS. I don’t know how your DH isn’t feeling bad about it all tbh.

This would be me! I see it as their money and not mine. I’ve not been great with money in the past but I don’t want my daughter to be like that. I want to teach her about money and making good decisions. I never had that hence the bad financial decisions. but I’m so strict with her money, I’d never touch it as I see it as ‘not mine’ and not something I can dip into every now and then.

OP posts:
Charlie2121 · 17/01/2024 21:15

RitaConnors · 15/01/2024 10:08

I suspect the trend of using the mother's name is more prevalent in younger less stable relationships where they think there is a realistic chance the father won’t hang around.

I think it's the opposite. I think those women are just the ones who give the baby their partners name as a way of securing him.

An independent woman thinks differently.

Well in most of the cases I know of it is the woman who is the higher earner, significantly so in many cases, so your theory certainly isn’t true in my experience.

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