Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child’s birthday money/savings

93 replies

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 16:53

Hi,
please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.

my DC turned 1 at the beginning of last year. We had a birthday party with family & friends and the majority of them gave money for us to put into her account. Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname. I asked him for months and months once she was born to open up a savings account for her. This was never done so I made an appointment with the bank & got 1 opened for them.

since I’ve opened the savings account for DC I have never taken any money from it, I see it as their money to spend on what they see fit when they are older. I have a standing order that transfers money from my account to their account every month. He has never put any money in there.

for what it’s worth I only work 2 days a week, my wage goes mostly on nursery fees, phone bill & im left with about £100 at the end of the month. He pays all the bills for the house & our lifestyle. We’re lucky that he earns very well and I have the opportunity to only work 2 days a week.

every now and then I will mention to him about the £250 from DC birthday, he always says he’ll do it when he gets round to it however today he’s now said that ‘DC will never go without so therefore doesn’t need the £250, he pays for everything for her so she won’t miss the money’

my argument is that money was given to her by family and friends so it should go to her.
Ive said to him he can have access to her savings account, he can open his own savings account but he’s not interested.

my mum is very funny with money so he has now made a few comments that I’m being funny and making him feel guilty for taking the money.

i never had any savings as a child so I’m only doing what I think is best for my DC. Am I wrong for that? Open to being told I am unreasonable

OP posts:
Liababy · 14/01/2024 17:54

Unless he's paid for some obvious things since the birthday like new toys, loads of clothes etc etc, then he's being a knobhead for sulking.

SuperBored · 14/01/2024 17:55

@Victoriaspongecake1 he doesn't pay for everything, but I will bet that is what he will say in an argument

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2024 17:56

Ah too late, well let him sulk. He'll get over it.

If he comes down in a mood say "are you seriously sulking because DD had their birthday money back?"

SuperBored · 14/01/2024 17:58

@SleepingStandingUp or say 'sulking over money that was not given to you is not a nice trait' 😂

BarelyCoping123 · 14/01/2024 17:59

He sounds absolutely awful, OP. He's taken (stolen) your child's birthday money, given to her by family! That is a horrible trait!

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 18:02

Thank you, you’ve all given me some food for thought.

as I said I never had savings as child so wanted to make sure if I put money into their account, when they get to an age where they want to do driving lessons, buy a car, go travelling then the funds are there to do so. If any money comes to them I always make a point of either transferring the amount from my account to theirs & keep the cash or put the cash in the bank.

my mum is very funny with money which I never realised until I got older & things such as asking her to help me move & her asking for petrol money wasn’t normal. I would have for me to be like that towards my child so when he made a comment about me behaving like my mum made me question whether I was being unreasonable.

he is very generous as he earns very well so pays for everything from household bills, car, holidays etc which is why this issue has completely thrown me off. I choose to work as I’d like to keep my hand in at work & because that’s my choice I pay for the nursery fees. Because of his wage I am not entitled to any child maintenance or the childcare hours which in reality would help me massively. I could work more hours & it wouldn’t take all my wages.

we are engaged and hope to get married but saving for.a bigger house. Once we have that then we will get married.

OP posts:
SuperBored · 14/01/2024 18:14

@Victoriaspongecake1 you need to reframe what you think
"he is very generous as he earns very well so pays for everything from household bills, car, holidays etc which is why this issue has completely thrown me off. I choose to work as I’d like to keep my hand in at work & because that’s my choice I pay for the nursery fees. "
This doesn't sound like a partnership, it sounds like you think he is doing you a favour letting you choose to work or look after your (joint) child. For your own sake get the nursery fees taken from the joint account and pay money into it, it's a mental shift that you are contributing to the overall expenses and not just to childcare.

Whinge · 14/01/2024 18:16

we are engaged and hope to get married but saving for.a bigger house. Once we have that then we will get married.

I hate to be so negative but I doubt you're ever going to marry this guy. There will always be another excuse. Getting married is significantly cheaper than a new house, so why wait?

You say he's generous but you're paying for nursery fees and he's sulking over transferring £250.

Like I said in my first post there are so many red flags here. Sad

WhereIsMyLight · 14/01/2024 18:35

We purposefully don’t have a savings account for DC. We made this decision as we don’t want them to have a significant sum of money when they turn 18. We will teach them about money but you don’t know if that will stick until they get the money and use it wisely or blow it. We’ve seen the same advice be taught to siblings with very different results.

We have an account that their Christmas and birthday money goes into and we put an amount in there each month too. But we spend it. Quite regularly. We pay for memberships for family attractions, clothes, toys, days out. I received £30 cash for DC for Christmas. I spent more than £30 on days out and other bits since Christmas so I haven’t put it in my account, I’ve used it for day to day expenses (I actually used it for lunch in soft play, so still child related). I do not consider that I have stolen from my DC and I’d be pretty insulted if DH insinuated that.

We also think that relatives and friends who have given that money would like to see some enjoyment from it. I will message grandparents and say “we used birthday money for a membership to this place they love, here’s some photos from it”. They’re not getting enjoyment from it sitting in account for 18 years to maybe go on driving lessons or maybe just go on whatever an 18 year old thinks is worth the money.

If your DH pays for everything child related anyway, he may well be anticipating paying for driving lessons anyway (we are), so what else would DC spend that money on. I’m personally happy for our DC to have a smaller sum that they can use for travelling or a holiday with friends or even just being 18.

TeaKitten · 14/01/2024 18:41

WhereIsMyLight · 14/01/2024 18:35

We purposefully don’t have a savings account for DC. We made this decision as we don’t want them to have a significant sum of money when they turn 18. We will teach them about money but you don’t know if that will stick until they get the money and use it wisely or blow it. We’ve seen the same advice be taught to siblings with very different results.

We have an account that their Christmas and birthday money goes into and we put an amount in there each month too. But we spend it. Quite regularly. We pay for memberships for family attractions, clothes, toys, days out. I received £30 cash for DC for Christmas. I spent more than £30 on days out and other bits since Christmas so I haven’t put it in my account, I’ve used it for day to day expenses (I actually used it for lunch in soft play, so still child related). I do not consider that I have stolen from my DC and I’d be pretty insulted if DH insinuated that.

We also think that relatives and friends who have given that money would like to see some enjoyment from it. I will message grandparents and say “we used birthday money for a membership to this place they love, here’s some photos from it”. They’re not getting enjoyment from it sitting in account for 18 years to maybe go on driving lessons or maybe just go on whatever an 18 year old thinks is worth the money.

If your DH pays for everything child related anyway, he may well be anticipating paying for driving lessons anyway (we are), so what else would DC spend that money on. I’m personally happy for our DC to have a smaller sum that they can use for travelling or a holiday with friends or even just being 18.

Are you going to pay for driving lessons or uni at the time?

Froze35 · 14/01/2024 18:43

@WhereIsMyLight “I received £30 cash for DC for Christmas”

You didn’t receive the cash, your DC received it for Christmas. How old are your DC? Why would you not want them to have a sum of money when they turn 18?

SuperBored · 14/01/2024 18:45

@WhereIsMyLight my DC know they have an account and it is their money and they choose how much of their birthday/Xmas money goes in there (although the advice given is generally at least half unless they have something particular in mind that they want). DC get excited to see how much they have saved and it means they consider what they want to buy and already as tweens/teens are asking themselves the important questions about spending over saving. I had a relative that was just given everything and they had no clue about saving/budgeting when they got to 18 as they couldn't see anything that they had saved/worked for.

Sayingitstraight · 14/01/2024 18:45

WhereIsMyLight · 14/01/2024 18:35

We purposefully don’t have a savings account for DC. We made this decision as we don’t want them to have a significant sum of money when they turn 18. We will teach them about money but you don’t know if that will stick until they get the money and use it wisely or blow it. We’ve seen the same advice be taught to siblings with very different results.

We have an account that their Christmas and birthday money goes into and we put an amount in there each month too. But we spend it. Quite regularly. We pay for memberships for family attractions, clothes, toys, days out. I received £30 cash for DC for Christmas. I spent more than £30 on days out and other bits since Christmas so I haven’t put it in my account, I’ve used it for day to day expenses (I actually used it for lunch in soft play, so still child related). I do not consider that I have stolen from my DC and I’d be pretty insulted if DH insinuated that.

We also think that relatives and friends who have given that money would like to see some enjoyment from it. I will message grandparents and say “we used birthday money for a membership to this place they love, here’s some photos from it”. They’re not getting enjoyment from it sitting in account for 18 years to maybe go on driving lessons or maybe just go on whatever an 18 year old thinks is worth the money.

If your DH pays for everything child related anyway, he may well be anticipating paying for driving lessons anyway (we are), so what else would DC spend that money on. I’m personally happy for our DC to have a smaller sum that they can use for travelling or a holiday with friends or even just being 18.

Purposely not opened an account for them is silly. We save a good amount, they will have a big chunk of money but we will not let them spend it on rubbish. You must be loaded not want to forward plan for their futures.

mouseychick · 14/01/2024 18:46

I choose to work as I’d like to keep my hand in at work & because that’s my choice I pay for the nursery fees. hang on no. He also has chosen to work.

This is abusive op

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 14/01/2024 18:50

You say house first then marriage... have you thought about what would happen of either of you died tomorrow and how that would tie up any finances? Or have you got clear wills?

Zombiemum1946 · 14/01/2024 18:59

He took the child's money. Take the money out of the account you share and put it in the child's account. Nothing is certain in life and that includes the ability to earn a decent living. Anything from job loss to poor health can throw a huge spanner in the works. I doubt the gift givers would be to pleased to hear what happened to the money.

WhereIsMyLight · 14/01/2024 19:06

To address the questions:

Our DC is a toddler. As they get older, they can have more of a day in what they spend their Christmas and birthday money on. I said we plan on teaching financial literacy as they get older and about saving for things they want.

We have chosen not to open a savings account as I explained in my original post because you can teach financial literacy but it doesn’t always translate to actual financial literacy. We have seen this in both sides of our families. One is my parent and their sibling. One is DH and his sibling. Both siblings are financially irresponsible and would (and have) piss away a sum of money. I’m off the opinion that some money on experiences is fine, it’s why people save for holidays, but I don’t see the value in pissing away that money on endless pointless shit, drinking and shopping. At 18 that money is theirs and I can’t stop them pissing that away, even if it’s been really bloody hard to put that money away for them at the time.

Again, as I said in my original post, we plan on paying for driving lessons. I’m not sure if we will purchase a car or pay for the insurance on ours, that’ll be something we work out when it happens and will depend on insurance rates, how expensive cars are, whether they can get a decent run around. Yes, we plan to pay for university (if they choose to go), we might not be able to cover tuition fees but they won’t save enough to cover that anyway. One of the main reasons we will likely only have one DC is so that we can help them with driving lessons, university, a house deposit.

No, we are not loaded. But we have seen sums of money given at 18 go to shit and have chosen a different route.

Londonrach1 · 14/01/2024 19:08

Don't steal from your child. Their money is for their future.

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 19:16

he has begrudgingly transferred the money over to DC account however is now sulking upstairs as I’ve made him feel weird about it.
you have much bigger issues, op.

Original poster
Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 19:26

No we have clear wills. I was adamant about that as I loss a parent at a very young age & have experienced what can happen to a family when a parent dies unexpectedly and very young.

I don’t think we will see eye to eye on this matter, the most important thing is the money is rightfully in her account.

I will look at going back to work more days & moving the nursery fees to the joint account. Working more days means I’ll have more money & financially contribute to the household.

OP posts:
MamaMode · 14/01/2024 19:29

Victoriaspongecake1 · 14/01/2024 17:24

It’s a credit card that gets cleared at the end of the month. If I was to withdraw money from it, there would be a charge.

i did mention about taking the money from the joint account but he said I was being funny about money & it’s not a nice trait to have

Buy £250 of vouchers (Toy store /child clothing store) from the credit card then 🤷🏽‍♀️

PonyPatter44 · 14/01/2024 19:31

Why do you keep talking about child maintenance? Is your DP not DDs father? Or do you mean child benefit? I would STRONGLY advise you to claim it, as it ensures your National Insurance entitlement. Your DP will be taxed on it but its important for you.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/01/2024 19:37

OP you need to explain compound interest (and tax efficient savings for DC) to him! That money should all go from DC's account into a Junior ISA no one can touch until DC is 18, because the earlier the money goes in, the more compound interest it earns!
When DC is 18, that £250 will be worth more than £250.

I would approach this with your DP by not making it about who did what with the £250, but making it about whether it's been put in the best place for it to benefit your DC. That's the best way to get through to him that this money should be invested for future success and that you are with him not against him.

If he's a high earner and doesn't have any investments (especially tax efficient ones like pensions and ISAs) he's doing all of you a disservice as that money isn't working best for you all.

You could do with getting him to speak to an IFA about what money he's got and how it's being invested both for him and DC so he understands where you're coming from!

TeaKitten · 14/01/2024 19:38

WhereIsMyLight · 14/01/2024 19:06

To address the questions:

Our DC is a toddler. As they get older, they can have more of a day in what they spend their Christmas and birthday money on. I said we plan on teaching financial literacy as they get older and about saving for things they want.

We have chosen not to open a savings account as I explained in my original post because you can teach financial literacy but it doesn’t always translate to actual financial literacy. We have seen this in both sides of our families. One is my parent and their sibling. One is DH and his sibling. Both siblings are financially irresponsible and would (and have) piss away a sum of money. I’m off the opinion that some money on experiences is fine, it’s why people save for holidays, but I don’t see the value in pissing away that money on endless pointless shit, drinking and shopping. At 18 that money is theirs and I can’t stop them pissing that away, even if it’s been really bloody hard to put that money away for them at the time.

Again, as I said in my original post, we plan on paying for driving lessons. I’m not sure if we will purchase a car or pay for the insurance on ours, that’ll be something we work out when it happens and will depend on insurance rates, how expensive cars are, whether they can get a decent run around. Yes, we plan to pay for university (if they choose to go), we might not be able to cover tuition fees but they won’t save enough to cover that anyway. One of the main reasons we will likely only have one DC is so that we can help them with driving lessons, university, a house deposit.

No, we are not loaded. But we have seen sums of money given at 18 go to shit and have chosen a different route.

If you plan on teaching them how to deal with money then they should be fine with savings, just because you no people who’ve been stupid at 18 doesn’t mean everyone will be. I think it’s a pretty shitty way to do things really, punishing them for mistakes you are teaching them not to make anyway. Risky as well because you might save nothing with the intension to pay for things, and then you could end up broke, ill or dead and theyl just have nothing because you chose that for them. Each to their own though.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/01/2024 19:40

Oh if you're concerned about them getting it at 18, maybe look at a Junior SIPP instead of a Junior ISA, it's also tax-efficient and they can't get it until they're close to retirement so it has ages to grow. Really I think you both need proper financial advice that you can both action together as a united couple in a way that best benefits your child.