Child’s birthday money/savings

[Victoriaspongecake1]

Hi,
please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not.

my DC turned 1 at the beginning of last year. We had a birthday party with family & friends and the majority of them gave money for us to put into her account. Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname. I asked him for months and months once she was born to open up a savings account for her. This was never done so I made an appointment with the bank & got 1 opened for them.

since I’ve opened the savings account for DC I have never taken any money from it, I see it as their money to spend on what they see fit when they are older. I have a standing order that transfers money from my account to their account every month. He has never put any money in there.

for what it’s worth I only work 2 days a week, my wage goes mostly on nursery fees, phone bill & im left with about £100 at the end of the month. He pays all the bills for the house & our lifestyle. We’re lucky that he earns very well and I have the opportunity to only work 2 days a week.

every now and then I will mention to him about the £250 from DC birthday, he always says he’ll do it when he gets round to it however today he’s now said that ‘DC will never go without so therefore doesn’t need the £250, he pays for everything for her so she won’t miss the money’

my argument is that money was given to her by family and friends so it should go to her.
Ive said to him he can have access to her savings account, he can open his own savings account but he’s not interested.

my mum is very funny with money so he has now made a few comments that I’m being funny and making him feel guilty for taking the money.

i never had any savings as a child so I’m only doing what I think is best for my DC. Am I wrong for that? Open to being told I am unreasonable

I totally agree with pps. We have a savings account for ds (1) and any money that we get for him goes into that as well as the child benefit every 4 weeks. Sometimes if he needs something and there's enough there we will use his account to buy things for him but it's always topped up again and money from it is only ever spent on him directly eg. car seat or clothes.

I think it's super unethical that your dp has just taken all of your dds birthday presents and kept it for himself to be spent on ???. I'd sit down with your dp and say you need to agree some boundaries around finances. I'd agree that everything given to dd is to be put in an account and held for her to use as she gets older for whatever she wants. I'd ask specifically what your dp has spent the £250 on or if he's just keeping it for himself.

I'd set up a joint account for all bills and both of you pay into that according to the %difference in your earnings. I'd also handle all money for dd from now on so dp doesn't get it first.

Truthfully his cageyness around this would worry me and I think I'd be doing some digging into his statements etc. If he's as well off as he sounds then why wouldn't he happily put £250 in an account for dd and be paying into it regularly... that doesn't add up to me and suggests there's mismanagement of money happening. I'm not sure why it's all left to you. He's also sounding a bit gaslighty with him saying you're being strange with money like your mum when what you're asking is just common sense and securing your child's future... I'd make sure you have your own savings building up op just incase for future.

I mean child benefit rather than maintenance sorry. He is DC’s dad but he earns over the threshold so if I was to claim it he would have to pay it back in his self assessment. What’s the point in claiming something that he would have to pay? He may as well just give me free rein on the credit card than doing that?

DH’s parents are accountants, they taught him and his sibling how to deal with money. His sibling is shit with money. You can teach as much as you want, personality sometimes still wins out. DH’s sibling went into debt for their wedding. They received £6,000 from relatives at their wedding (they told us this), still had debt. Then when the marriage lasted a year, they needed money from his parents to pay for the divorce. As I said, my parent’s sibling displayed similar behaviour, although it was designer clothes.

It’s not a punishment. They are currently a toddler but as I said, we plan to teach saving and we expect them to make mistakes. We certainly have. They just won’t make those mistakes with any significant sums of money. There’s a finite pot of money and so that money isn’t going to come back if they make a mistake with it. Why is it a punishment to put steps in place to stop them wasting big chunks of money? Especially when there’s irresponsible genes on both sides?

If we end up broke, then I’d be even more pissed off if they piss the money away. If we end up dead, then life insurance will kick in, clear the mortgage and leave some after that. Obviously we would have no control over what they do with a very large sum of money then but we’ll be dead so won’t care and there is no backup if they blow it all. We are saving now, we plan to continue saving. Again, as I said in my first post, we top up that savings account each month and have done since they were born. It’s just not in their name. It is spent on things for them, money comes out but it is growing slightly each year.

Having tried to have a serious conversation with him about this is like banging my head against a brick wall.

he said he hasn’t spent it, it’s always available to her if she wants it. He says he realises it should have gone to her but he never got round to it which I believe to be bull.

i just wanted the money in her account, apparently it was the way I went about it but I don’t know how else I could approach the subject.

the joke of it all is he is a very good earner, he’s very good with money - he saves hard, rarely spends any money on himself etc so this situation really threw me. I hate the fact that I will now have to be on top of the cash from her bday/xmas cards. It was only when I realise the cash had gone from on top of the microwave that I mentioned where did it go

Aww bless him, he’s obviously in such dire straights he’s had to use his child’s birthday money to pay his bills. 🙄

No, it's their birthday money and should go into an account for them. As they get older it's for them to spend or save as they see fit.

It's not for parents to spend, even on things for the child.

Copied from the Gov.uk website;
You’ll get National Insurance credits automatically if you claim Child Benefit and your child is under 12.

These credits count towards your State Pension, so you do not have gaps in your National Insurance record if either:
you’re not working
you do not earn enough to pay National Insurance contributions

You can make a claim and opt out of getting payments if you do not want to pay the charge. You can still get the other advantages provided by Child Benefit, like National Insurance credits

The bit in bold is possibly more important for you. Also, child benefit would be a bit of money for you that's out of his direct control. That's always a worthwhile thing to consider.

Can you actually see all his accounts and how much he spends? You can see he’s controlling with money right?

He stole £250 from a baby? He sounds like a catch.

I can't believe how weird he's being about this when he earns what he earns. It's like he begrudges paying a larger proportion of the bills due to child/you working PT due to child, and saw this as some kind of refund.

Please claim child benefit but asked not to be paid it. That way your national insurance contribution is covered and your child will get their ni number without any fuss when they are 16

Absolutely unfair to not put it into their account or bought something so specific with it. People don’t give money for it to sit in a parents account

Thank you, I will do. I didn’t realise I could do this. That’s very helpful

Thank you, that’s very helpful. I didn’t know about this. I thought he would have to pay it back in his tax. I’ll get onto this now

"firstly, Me & DP aren’t married so my DC has my DP’s surname
this makes absolutely no sense. If you are not married the child should have the mother’s name."

Thats nonsense.

Now you know on go forward basis you collect any money gifted to your child and put them in the account otherwise she won’t ever see them.

The surname explanation makes no sense, you could have given your name. Still be your DP child

@Victoriaspongecake1 I think you are doing a really clever thing to save the gift money, but get it into a kids isa to take the tax advantage. That will pay Uni fees/a house deposit/whatever they need as a young adult and it will build up to thousands.

I think you need to change your mindset from "working more to contribute more to the daily finances" though. You are already saving him nursery fees by not working on those days, think if it that way. You need to get that child benefit sorted to get your national insurance contribution. The nursery fees should be coming from the joint account (which should be in both names) so it's clear what the household finances are.

As an unmarried partner you need to get back to work and ensure you are contributing to a pension or you are going to be totally screwed at retirement age. You said you are paying money by standing order into savings for your child but you should be paying this into a pension for yourself or an isa for yourself. Plan for the future.

As a part time worker I'd be getting married asap. I was in a long term relationship with a high earner and when we split up I wasn't entitled to any of his pension. Don't be me.

Thank you so much. I have applied for the child tax credits to help with my pension but not receive any payment. Work did pass in conversation if I wanted to pick up any extra days at work and I will go back to them next week and see what we could agree to.

I want to be around for my DC but also want her to see a working mother and not having to rely on a man. Everything is all well and good when you’re getting on but if we do split then things can get nasty and like you said I wouldn’t be entitled to anything. I would leave myself high and dry and I do not want that to happen.

It’s funny how something so silly and ridiculous can make you second guess and question things.

Thats nonsense.

It isn't nonsense. If you aren't married,traditionally the child has the mother's name.

Otherwise scullery maids would be giving their children the name of the lord of the manor and causing a scandal.

OP I'm really pleased to read, that unlike so many women on here, you're actually taking notice of the good advice being given to you, and have managed, albeit with him sulking like a child, to get your own DC's money into their account where it should be.

I'm afraid I also agree with one or two other posters, that unless you're married your child should have your surname. I know when it's all exciting and the father wants the kudos of being the big man, having impregnated you, that some women feel obliged to give the child their father's surname, but in my opinion, if the father wants their child to have their name, then they should marry the mother, to give her and their child, the financial security that being married offers. Otherwise, when the children start nursery or school, the name of the mother not matching up with the name of the child can cause all sorts of confusion. I actually know a young woman with 2 kids who ended up changing her name by Deed Poll to that of her partner, so that at school her children were easily recognised as being hers. Much better for children to have the same surname as their mother, married or otherwise in my opinion.

Glad he has transferred it over.

he said he hasn’t spent it, it’s always available to her if she wants it

She shouldn't (when she's old enough) have to ask for her own money, and over the years it would be easy for it to get lost in everything else.

@SleepingBeautySnores we didn't get married until our kids were several years into school and even then I kept my name, so we've always had different surnames - I've never encountered any problems at school, the doctors or anywhere else and they are adults now.

I'm afraid there's a clear pattern here. He wants his daughter's access to money to be dependent on him - "she can ask for it when she's older if she needs it", just as he seems to like you having to go to him for money.

God knows what's going on here - maybe he likes to be the big man who gets to have people coming to him in need and get to dole it out.

Money is a form of power, and it isn't your power if you have to constantly ask someone to grant it to you. It's theirs.

It's great you've sorted out Child Benefit.

I would arrange a trip to a registry office to get married whether you have a ceremony and party or not, you've had a child and bought a house this is just another legal process to go through it doesn't have to cost much.

I'd be looking into a Junior SIPP opposed to a savings account, 18 year olds getting access to £X amount is always a gamble. When I was on my gap year one of my friends would use the savings her parents had given her to pay for her night out and treat everyone and wasted the lot. A SIPP means that when your child retires at 60 they'll still have you providing for them even if you are no longer around.

As for the £250 I would put in an extra £25 from my account for the next 10 months but use his credit card to pay for whatever I would have originally used that £25 for.

Have a little read up on financial abuse, he may not be at that level yet but it doesn't sound like he is far from it and could easily head down that avenue