To put ds back in nappies against advice?

[Averygoodhorserider]

If you say to DS (3 and 1/4) to come for a wee, he always does. And he seems able to hold on between wees. As long as you’re fairly regular with taking him to the toilet.

Without this, he doesn’t go independently and he is still pooing his pants.

I am finding it very stressful, the laundry is awful. I spoke to HV who said not to put him back in nappies but AIBU to think it’s just not working?

How long has this been happening? It took my dd about 3 weeks of pooing in her pants (it got lest frequent by the end) before she cracked it. Although she was 2 not 3.

I found cleaning it up easier than a wee though as poo is solid so I could just tip it out of the pants into the loo, put on fresh pants and put the soiled pants into a plastic bag. We sometimes didn't even need to change trousers.

Also, sainsburys etc do like 7 pants for a pound or similar so i occasionally just binned the pants if it was really bad.

Hang in there.

I have been trying since he turned 3 so about 2 months now, maybe just under. We just don’t seem to be getting anywhere and it’s stressing me out.

I binned the pants too if it was a bad one.
Had to keep remembering to bring him to the loo.
It’s a pain, had to remind DH to do the same.
DS is 3 1/2 now & still does a random wee / poo!

Hang on in there. You reminding him to go is really important - eventually he will do it by himself. It's not a quick process.

He’s never had a poo on the loo 😭 it’s always pants. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to just stay calm and clean up, but he doesn’t seem bothered at all and I know he’d also wet himself if not told to go (he still does have frequent wet accidents but we at least have had some success there.)

I would keep going. If he's not regularly wetting, he has made progress. It's been a while since I did toilet training but have you had the talk about the 'big boy pants' and not wanting to be 'like a baby' wearing nappies anymore? Both of my older ones were quite keen on this between 2.5 and 3 years old.

Your child will be sensing your stress and so you need to take a deep breath.

Boys do sometimes take longer than girls, but not always.

I've been a nanny for over 20 years. Without knowing your child, it's hard to say but I generally think that starting again can be even more stressful for both of you.

Have you tried a sticker chart for poos?
Does he seem to have a daily rhythm of when he poos?
Do you encourage him to poo when you tell him to go for a wee?

He doesn’t seem bothered at all. I’ve tried special pants and about not being a baby but I also am conscious of not wanting to shame him. He’s been with his dad this morning and he isn’t as good at taking him as me and so we’ve had two wet accidents and two poo. I’d say that’s typical, sometimes less if he’s with me but always at least once wee and one poo accident. Which I kind of expected but I don’t know, I thought it would be more on the way to the loo type accidents than treating underpants like a nappy accidents?

I honestly don’t think he is sensing my stress. I’m super calm with him and am actually wondering if maybe I need to convey a bit of disapproval but probably not. It’s the sheer amount of washing stressing me a bit!

If he is constantly wetting himself then I would put him in pull ups and wait a month or so and try again. With my eldest I did this and when we did it again he cracked it all in a day.

middle child however was absolutely fine with wees but poohed in pants for weeks. Drove me mad. He said he didn’t like poohing in potty. Got him various pooh related books (goodbye mr pooh) and after a few weeks it sorted itself out. Was a rough time though!!!

Oh I completely agree, I didn't mean it to sound like shaming him, I am sorry for that. It's more about being excited to graduate to underwear (errrr well you know what I mean). That was always the sort of age where mine were very keen to be a big boy or big girl.

Obviously it's your call but I'd persevere a while. Are you together with his dad - can you get him more on board with this and making sure he takes him frequently? It's really important. And I agree with PP's who are saying give him rewards.

Do you know his signals for when he needs to go? Maybe set an alarm & take him regularly rather than rely on remembering? I think it would be hard to go backwards now especially if he does go on the toilet.

Download poo goes to pooland app and give it a try. It's free and very silly but it worked for ds not pooing on potty and I've recommended it twice and it worked for both of them too.

9 times out of 10, poo issues with potty training are related to constipation and withholding. Massively up his liquid and fibre intake even if his poos are soft. Sometimes it’s not that they are actively constipated, just that they think it will hurt as it has in the past. Then they hold on until they can’t stop themselves. If they have been doing this for a long time, they then loose the ‘urge’.

Do you take him to the potty and get him to sit on it for 5-10 minutes after every meal and sleep? Is he in an optimal pooing position with feet supported (look at the ‘squatty potty’ and emulate the position). Have you tried blowing a fan or bubbles?

Is there anywhere in particular that he poos?

Ex nursery worker, most kids are aware of the bathroom signals. Accidents are because they can’t judge the time from I need to go to I can’t hold it. What is your gut telling you? Can you observe any signals that he has a full bladder or needs a poo? Is he going off into a corner but just doesn’t want to sit on the toilet?

it’s one thing needing reminding and award charts but if it’s not clicked yet. No amount of training is going make his brain and body click. Yes you could carry on for weeks and months then when he finally gets it you can say see we stuck it out. Or you can take a break and try in a month and see if developmental he’s ready to go. It’s one of those things you will never know if your way got you there any faster.

Have you tried bribery? For my DD it was one chocolate button for a wee on the potty two for a poo. She was very motivated by this and cracked it within a few days.

Also I know it's against advice but I think it helps if you do convey some disapproval at "accidents", especially if there was no attempt to actually get to the potty. Obviously don't get cross but something like "oh dear, you had an accident. That's a pity, now we have to clean you up instead of [fun activity you were doing]. I hope next time you'll go to the potty."

Also try to make cleaning him up as boring and unstimulating as possible. No singing, no playing games, just getting changed quickly and efficiently.

Use pull ups but still keep taking him to the toilet then if he has accidents it's contained 🤷‍♀️.
There is always going to be accidents whether you carry on training now or waiting longer.

Thanks. I am with dad sorry - realised I phrased it a bit ambiguously! Just meant dad took him out for a bit.

He IS making progress, I just keep reading that if they’re ready potty training takes a few days! While we’re still very unreliable several weeks on!

@Akire thanks. He will always happily sit on the toilet and almost always forces some wee out! But it always comes from me or another adult, never from him IYSWIM?

Can you keep the potty within arms reach watch him like a hawk for signs he needs a poo eg going quiet, hiding, assuming a squat position and if there’s a typical timing? Then whip trousers off, or even do naked as per oh crap, and throw the potty under him. You can’t think of anything else for a couple of days but usually they get the message soon enough. Also agree with what@CoalCraft says- you don’t want to be saying anything that conveys accidents are ok or that they don’t matter, and you definitely want to make them more inconvenient than using the potty would have been.

Some children take longer no matter how long you delay it. Toilet training is like everything else, you always hear about those who crack it in a few days and less about those who struggle with it.
It depends on the child, but sometimes delaying it with a child not quite getting it, just means you hit the temper tantrum stage and its even harder.
Some children do need reminding anyway. Its like some children need reminded to eat. It used to be part of toilet training to just take them to potty at regular times anyway. Not all children need this, but some do.

Bribery! What's his weakness? Chocolate buttons? Toy cars? Books?

We did 10c for a wee, a quarter for a poo - trip to Borders (bookshop) each Saturday for story time and could choose a book (added advantage was that she had excellent maths skills by 3). We weren't accident free but it was motivation in coin form aka sheer bribery, if it works go for it

It sounds as though he just isn't ready. My LO was just over four when we had success, was just too busy being a child to want to toilet train.
Soiling pants is counter productive as the brain will get used to that being the norm. There seems to be a competitive 'my child toilet trained earlier than yours' that's so unhelpful. They all develop at their own pace, different aspects developing faster than others for each child.
I would move back to nappies or pull ups for another few months, when the warmer weather makes it easier to have less clothes on.
Good luck!

DS drove me mad still pooing in his pants after he was reliably weeing on the loo. I also went against all the advice in the end as I was sure it was ‘just’ laziness as he knew the cues but wouldn’t bother to stop what he was playing with. So I bought a pack of really special pants that he picked himself but made it clear I wasn’t washing them if he pooed in them, they were going straight in the bin. Think I chucked 3 pairs then he finally started using the loo and never looked back. It’s definitely not an approved approach though!

Don’t put him back in nappies and return to a very strict potty training stage, upping the levels when he has mastered each step – bare bottomed at home, with loose trousers only at home, out for quick trips with only loose trousers, and only adding underwear when he has mastered all of that.